I feel guilty of being who I am.

[gmc]

When I decided I'd write this, I knew that every answer would have something that would break me down. I don't intent to read this post again before actually posting it, so sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm not an English native.

To begin, I've already tried to see 4 different specialists because of feeling very sad and very angry. I've been seeing the first two ones a year each of them, in between having many depressive periods, then the third one I've seen for 9 months and she also sent me to a psychiatrist (which was rubbish) for medication. I left from all of them because I felt that it wasn't working for me. I asked to see a psychiatrist that is also counseling, so this is where my story begins for this post.

I hate asking for advice. It makes me feel so useless and powerless and I am doing my best not to ask for it, but I guess I am not succeeding.

He says that in all of his year as a very experimented specialist, he' s never seen anyone like me, that he doesn't know what therapy would be useful for me and that he has to focus on our relationship and let me say whatever I want so that he'd follow me. He also says that he feels like he's in a yard with a wild horse that has been very traumatized and every time he makes a bad move, he runs in the other corner, miles away. Or that he goes on a slippery path and when he feels like he reached something to hold on, he slips away.

I told him about some of my experiences a child, how I've been feeling

abused as a child and as a teenager, he keeps telling me like everyone else before him that it's me who doesn't move on from where I am, that I'm guilty from feeling how I feel. (continued in the first comment below)

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

Just checking on your progress.  Did you manage to get a psychiatrist to treat your condition? 

Struggler

[gmc]

Hello, Struggler, and thank you for asking.

I've made an appointment to see a psychiatrist on Monday, but yet it's a very confusing situation and he's also very expensive... Hopefully I'll manage to solve this whole thing tomorrow. I'll get back with a message. Trying to explain the whole situation would be too much right now... But thank you very much again for asking.

[gmc]

It's appointed: psychiatrist on Monday, psychologist on Tuesday.

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

I am so pleased you have the appointments all set to go.  Hopefully they'll come up with a health plan to help you get well.   Well done.  

Struggler

[gmc]

Thank you, Struggler.

All the joy I had and today I receive a call that I have to wait until next Friday to meet the psychiatrist... It's sad... but I guess I am beginning to develop a sort of self programming mode, an efficient one, to keep my anxiety under control. Like I know when it comes even a bit of it and do as I learned from Federer, who pictured himself winning matches. I do it when I want to fall asleep - I picture myself falling asleep. 

I feel alone again. I know it's coming... There's a lot going on again... It's like those appointments are years away... I used to feel in the past 5 years since I moved from therapist to therapist that my week starts the day I go to therapy and the rest of the days are dead while waiting for that one. I am sorry I am writing this again, I said I would close the subject - but with the last therapist the day I went to see him, that day I was gone, useless, I could just stay and wait for that hour pass, just that I had to do something to run from anxiety and panic attacks.

I should stop here.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Firstly GREAT that you were able to arrange appointments - super well done to you for that.  That can take a lot of effort, as I'm sure you'd know and you should be very proud of yourself for doing that.

I'm sorry, now my turn for a little rant - I simply do not get these professionals - especially in their particular line of business.  They are dealing with people's mental health issues - in my view, this is of high critical importance and you would think they'd know that for a lot of people, it would take a massive effort just to make that appointment.

Then how much of a kick in the guts is it to that person when they get a phone call to say, "Sorry, your appointment has been moved from Monday to Friday - we hope you can make the Friday appointment".  (Or something like that).  For me, this kind of thing happens far too often.

So gmc, I'm really sorry to hear that your appointment has been pushed back to the end of the week.

One last and another important thing here gmc - this site is designed for many things and one of them IS for a person to come and vent/to unload and to get things off their chest.  So I'm just addressing your last 4 words that you wrote:  "I should stop here".  Gmc, do that ONLY if you've exhausted all that you wanted to write.

If you've got more stuff that you'd like to share, to unload or to simply just type down - you should already know here how much we care and support and we never ever judge - what you write is important to you - and it's important to us.

I just wanted to make sure how know how important YOU are to all of us.

Kind regards

Neil

[gmc]

Thanks for stopping by again, Neil. I can feel in what you wrote some of the healthy anger I am not able to feel right now, and that's the major feeling I get from your post. I am only able to type down all of the mess I feel, all of a sudden a 1000 subjects in one thread because it's like I can't stop at only one. I am really sorry it has been pushed back to the end of the week. I am sorry too I am ill in a place and a sistem where I don't seem to be taken serious. I'll write a book about it.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Writing is such a wonderful thing.   It's like actually reading a book - where when you read, you have your mind putting into it the characters and places that are being talked about.

When you write, you take yourself to those kinds of places - ok, they may not be so good, because it's going to be a story of yourself, but it IS important, because you've lived it - you've been through it and i really believe that everyone should write a book about themselves.  Where it ends up, is totally up to them, but I would back you 100% to write your own story.

Dear gmc;  you feel like you've got so many stories that are within you - let's break it down - and just aim for ONE.  Why not try to produce one here - oh holy, just listen to me - suggesting you do this.  This is your post and this is totally up to you.

But on the other hand, why not start your own document/book and start to list down dot points for how you are;   how you were;  things that are occupying your mind.

Stay with us gmc;   we're not going anywhere and post as often as you feel ok to do so.

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

I have been documenting my life ever since I was a teenager, but not that often as in the past 4 years. Since I started working with the first therapist, I've been writing all over, I have hundreds of pages on every bit of feeling I got. It looks like the past two weeks I can't even do this. It is usually very blurry, writing doesn't take all the mess, maybe just a bit of it, even if it's deep and surgical enough, or maybe I should try even harder. I wanted to write a play on those experiences, I even went to a workshop on that, but the one of the trainer was inexperienced and non professional enough to hurt me as I was cut into pieces in front of a group of people.

I was thinking of maybe writing a book with my last therapist (...), as I documented the ENTIRE meetings, bit by bit, but after I finished it with him, I could not write anymore. I was physically paralyzed after I ended up with him, and I can't write anymore. Not for myself. Painful enough before, painful more now.

[Neil_1]

Dear gmc

Well, I say “well done” to you – for doing so much of the writing side of things.  And thank you for sharing this post as well.  Again, I’ve got to ask (not to you) but WHY, just why do  (or why are there people out there) people want to hurt others emotionally?   I simply do not get it.

You think back – we were all babies at one time – all innocent and needed help to survive and then as the years go by, some of these people turn out to be, um, I was going to use a word, but I’m not allowed to use nasty words on here, but I hope you know what I mean.

Why do they turn out like that?   What goes on in their mind that they have to resort to wanting to upset someone emotionally.  I guess one word for them:  bullies.

With your writing – never lose what you’ve done.  That’s a part of you.  Just simply put it away somewhere safe, because it sounds that right now is not a good time for you to be involved with this.  But in the future, who knows.

Kind regards

Neil