Grades in School

[Megmariiee]

Hello everyone,

 For the past year or so, I have been obsessing over my grades. I am viewed as a perfectionist, meaning that if I do something and it doesn't get an A or it's not perfect - I freak out (and not in a good way). Tears well up in my eyes, my breathing starts to get rapid and all I can focus on is the B that I got and how dumb I feel. If it's not an A, I'm not happy and if it is an A, I don't feel happy either - all I feel is relief.

 Is this normal? I haven't gotten less than an A in a month or so but I'm scared I'm going to make a fool of myself and panic in front of everyone at school... And just because I got a B...

 Thanks everyone, 

megmariiee

[BenD]

Hi Megmariiee,

Its good to aim high, but sometimes the standards that we set ourselves can be too strict and impossible to actually achieve. Not meeting them can affect our self esteem and general well-being.

And in the end lass it grades don't matter too much, what matters is what kind of person you are. Grades will get your foot in the door to opportunities, but from there its who you are that counts.

Besides, it sounds like you are a very high achiever as it is, maybe it would be good for you to reflect on how well you've been doing instead? I bet you have plenty of stuff to be proud of?

Ben

[NOOP]

Hi Megimariiee

Getting grades back is a stress time for most students across all levels.  It often generates anxiety because of the perceived confirmation of negative judgments by others and feelings of self-doubt.

You do not mention your year level at school.   You mention the rest of the class and if you are trying to build up confidence and convince yourself that other people aren't judging you negatively unless you get an A grade it is easy to see how a B grade could shatter that confidence and bring you immediately back to freaking out and making dents in your perfectionist image.

Pressure from a teacher can be difficult enough, though it may not be personalized.

Pressure from friends and family feels more negative and appears like a deserved judgment of you as a person. If you feel this kind of pressure you need to talk it through with someone as it can distance you from the people you are most comfortable with and whose support you need most.

Think about talking to someone outside of situation and also to those you feel are setting the unhelpful expectation of an A.  You could also challenge your own expectations with a view to resetting them.

Look after yourself: make time for exercise, eat well and making sure you are getting enough sleep.

Pete

[PatT]

Hi Megmariiee,

it sounds as though you've got some pretty high standards for yourself. Must be pretty tiring. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well with my studies and it's taken me a while to learn that grades really aren't everything. In school it's kind of like we're fed this mentality that we must achieve to the highest standard to get into the best university, into the best course and get the best GPA and subsequently the best job.

This is very much not the case. Myself for example. I did little to no work up until year 12, but I pushed myself pretty hard in that year and got an ATAR in the mid 90s. I was so thrilled - got into my university course, did that for 6 months and realised I didn't like it. Changed degrees into something that would've required an ATAR of 83. Didn't like that either now I'm doing something that I would've needed an ATAR of 80 to get into.

Grades really don't matter in the scheme of things. I have friends who didn't do that well in high school and have ended up studying law at some of the best universities in NSW. Never assume that how well you do in school will dictate how your life plays out and try not to make everything about study. Not even full time academics thrive solely on their areas of study.

Spend some time doing things you actually enjoy in the knowledge that it will transfer over to your grades well. Find a hobby or spend some more time with friends, otherwise you're priming yourself to be stressed out for a while. And I can guarantee that nobody in the school will care if you get a B instead of an A.

All the best, Pat.

[Tizlak]

Hi Megmariiee,
Being motivated to study and being able to put your head down and study is a good thing, but bearing the weight of failure for any other outcome can be a bit dangerous.

Its really good to set the bar high and always aim for it but try not to be disheartened if you ever fall short. I know when i was completing yr 12 every time I got anything less than perfect I wouldn't tell anyone or show my parents, and just have nightmares of how stupid i was to make a mistake like that. It wasn't healthy and i remember at Christmas dinner a family member told me how well i did in yr 12 and I broke down into tears telling everyone how I failed them and wan't good enough to hold the family name.

Reality was that no one else cared that much about my grades as I did, at it seems like its a similar situation with you. I know now that i am at University when i do get back a bad result i get a bit annoyed as you do, but then i just get motivated to make sure i understand it for next time. I know it was really hard for me to see when i was told this first but when you make a mistake don't get disheartened, just take it on the chin and learn from it and move on, because dwelling on it will just bring you down and won't help you with further learning either.

Also it sounds like your stressed and one of the best pieces of advice i ever received was no matter how much study you have always make time to keep active and make sure your sleep well cause it will just ease the nerves and give you a worthwhile stress release from your studies!

Hope i've been of some help, but keep aiming high and keep achieving well, but try not to let the pressure of grades hold you down, because in the end grades aren't the be all or end all so a few mistakes here and there won't make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things 🙂

So keep up the good work but make sure you keep some time to yourself too 🙂
-Tizlak

[Lori]

Hi Megmariiee,

Brilliant work! its amazing to hear that you are working hard to achieve your very best. But you need to remember that it is okay if sometimes its not perfect, don't feel bad or dumb because you have tried your very best and that's all that matters. At least you are doing the work. 

I know for me that my grades weren't always the best at school and i always aimed for A's but never got there but now that i am at uni i have realized it doesn't always matter about getting the best grade its about passing and if you have done your best then its okay if its not up to others expectations. 

You are doing a great job, please don't beat yourself up to much if you don't get an A, B's are still a great result and you should be proud. 

Keep pushing forward, and good luck with all your study 🙂

- Lori

[Narniakid]

Hi Megmariiee!

It is lovely to hear that you strive so high however there is a difference between aiming high and unrealistic goals - the fact is, we're human, and we're not good at EVERYTHING; we excel at some things, while we may not be as good as others, and that's okay! Once you accept the "flaws" as well as embracing the things you're good at, you will feel so much more content with your life.

The thing is, grades really don't mean everything. I completely failed my HSC, and now I'm studying at the most prestigious radio school in the country. More often than not, passion and enthusiasm and persistence will get you further than just a piece of paper with good school grades on it.

You are such an impressive student by the mere fact you're such a hard worker in all your subjects, just don't beat yourself up for not getting 100/100, okay!

Keep up that motivation!

Crystal

[SeanM92]

Hey there Megmariiee

Welcome to the forums, 
I've come across a few perfectionists in my time, very interesting people i have to add. One thing they often have in common is that they feel they need to prove something by getting everything to the top possible grade. While its good to have goals and your should be very proud of yourself for maintaining a solid A grade, it takes a very intelligent and smart person to manage that. You need to remember that in the end, we are all people, we are all good at some things and we are all bad at some things, its good to do the best you can but the problem is sometimes we push ourselves too far and end up burning out or giving up on things we previously enjoyed. The world wont end if we mess up a question on a test or someone gets a slightly better score on anything, Its important to know why your forcing yourself to do so much and if the reason is for You or to make someone else happy. Sometimes we can do things to please others without knowing it and it can turn out worse then if you hadn't tried at all. 

Maybe you should try stepping back a little and looking at the amazing feat you have done in keeping such a great grade and be proud of yourself, treat yourself for doing good once and a while and itll help with the stress.

Take care of yourself and i hope i've helped 
Your always welcome back if you need it 

[morgs29]

Hi Megmariiee,

I'm sorry to hear you feel so upset about your grades when they are less than you expect. I can really relate to this feeling as I am also an incredibly high achiever, and put very high expectations on myself.

If you can remember one thing, let it be this . . . you are not defined by your grades at school! I have treated myself so badly in my head for getting a 'pass' at uni, after consistently getting distinctions. Something that we can't control is life, and life is going to happen. This may mean there are some times where you give less attention to your assignments because other really intense things are happening. That's completely okay.

Nothing is 'normal' or 'abnormal.' I think what's most important here is that you feel good about who you are inside and make sure that don't think of yourself as any less of a person if you don't get an A. I know how good those A's feel when you get a mark back, but try to remember that anything less does not make YOU any less of a person.

If you ever feel yourself panicking at school when you see a mark, make sure you take some deep breaths and even walk outside if you need to. Remind yourself that it's not as bad as it feels in the moment and that it doesn't reflect who you are as a person. What might also help is asking the teacher for feedback, so you can learn for the next time.

Education is about learning, not just about marks and chasing perfection. Remember, perfection doesn't exist because we could always do better!

Well done for reaching out and take care,

Morgan

[smoothdog]

Hey Megmariiee 🙂

Firstly, kudos for posting. It's not easy to come forward about these kind of things, so just the fact that you are reaching out for help speaks volumes about your courage!

In answer to your question about whether the anxiety you feel about your grades is normal, I would say no. But neither is scoring constant A's (of which I am very jealous)! Chasing perfection is not a bad thing, but in the chase it is easy to lose sight of other aspects of what keeps us happy and healthy. In this regard, those who have posted above have given some excellent suggestions. It seems like there is a lot more to your story and would like to ask a couple questions so if you're ever up for a chat, feel free to send me a message 🙂