I don't know what's going on with me

[Seekparadise]

I just moved into my own place after the end of a 2 year relationship and a short stint living with a (now former) friend of mine. Everything was great for a while- I'd weeded out the bad friends from good, seeing my family regularly, working, writing & made plans to move Interstate for postgrad. I also had ideas for a small online business to make some money as its tight atm. But the past few weeks haven't been so great. I started thinking about a guy I used to be involved him, someone I was really in love with. Over the past 2 1/2 years since dating he has returned a lot to my mind to the point I go out of my way to 'run into him.' The problem is, it used to be fun liking him again and trying to contact him etc, like it was a game. But recently i realised how much he messed me around, and how he didn't actually love me the way I loved him. I feel so sad and pathetic and my heart hurts but I can barely seem to cry. I feel like I'm in pain but at the same time I wonder if I am at all because I'm not crying.. 

 the point is, there's always something consuming my thoughts & I seem to escape into fantasies when I should be focused on my real life. When people bring up things I know I should be doing like looking for a job, applying for unis, unpacking, I avoid it & get angry

I would be less obsessive if I had something to take up my life. The problem is, I have no motivation.  It's like I'm sitting, stagnant, consumed by the past and unable to let go or move on but I'm not even motivated to take charge and change my life. I stay up all night and sleep in until noon, barely do anything with my days, and when I do do something, it's listening to music and fantasising. I can spend time writing, but only about how I feel, which just feels like another way to obsess. At night I drink and smoke, way way more than I ever used to, and at night all I do is eat dinner and watch TV shows all night. I don't know what I feel. I just feel stuck. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to unless it's the opportunity to run into or impress the guy or seeing a friend and I feel like an idiot for It. It feels like every few weeks I'm on the phone to my mum having a breakdown going from angry to crying to snapping to nothing. sometimes being in public feels horrible and I hate when people are near me and I feel paranoid at night.  I don't feel good about myself and sometimes I get so irritable and bored and wish my life was completely different. Help?

[LottieRay]

The fact that you've acknowledged that your stuck is a good first and here are some things you could further do.

Being hung up over an ex is never fun especially when you notice you cared more. The key thing is to acknowledge that relationship is in the past and by seeking to 'run into him' you are only bringing up aspects of the past that are obviously causing you pain. Acknowledge, that you had feelings for him and that it is okay to have feelings but try to redirect yourself in another direction. This may involve slowly limiting your interactions with him and reminding yourself that whilst he was once an important figure in your life, you did possess a life before him, and there is no reason as to why you can't possess one now without him.

As it is hard for you to take on board takes that when questioned make you angry and agitated when bright up by others, perhaps seek to make a list of all the things you seek to do. That way you have some written indication of what you want.

You say you like writing- continue this. Also consider writing down goals to achieve the things you want and thing of it as a recipe and each goal as a new step. Maybe even consider attending writer's workshops or festivals so you can meet other like minded people.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best in your journey.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Seekparadise,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.  I'm sorry that things are really tough for you right now and that you are feeling so stuck.

Even though what's going on sounds like it's pretty tough to handle, the good thing is you've recognised that you're stuck and you've reached out to us which is often the hardest thing to do.

You said that you wished your life was completely different.  How?  What does it look like for you?  Where do you live?  Do you work? How do you spend your time?  Who do you hang out with?

The fact that you want things to be different means that they can be, which means that you won't be stuck forever.

If your dreams are to open that online business, then maybe you can set some goals around that.  So maybe money is too tight to start the business, but you could work out a vision for it, apply for a few grants, or do a free online business course - anything that you find lights you up.  

Having people push us into where we should be (work and study) will just make us rebel; so instead let yourself fantasise about where you want to be and more so, how you can make that happen.

🙂

[Narniakid]

Hi Seekparadise!

Firstly, well done on getting through all that you have so far! That is a remarkable thing in itself!

Let me remind you that this former boyfriend of yours, whom you're thinking about again, brought you pain and heartache at one point. You've started thinking about him again as a subconscious coping mechanism, but if you don't find a new thing to daydream about, it could take a turn for the worse. You don't deserve someone that makes you upset even when he's not in your life anymore! Remind yourself of what a prick he was, and remember that you're a hot pot of rice that don't need no side dish! You're too amazing yourself to need another person to define you!

I suggest making a mood board (have a look on Pinterest for some inspiration) of photos, quotes and what you're aiming towards; hang it next to your desk to keep yourself focused and motivated. 

Definatley have a go at keeping a diary, because writing is such a good outlet for anxiety and depression, and perhaps try a new hobby or join a local club - keep yourself busy, but make sure you have enough "me-time".

Good luck and remember that you most definately have the power to change your life!

Crystal 

[smoothdog]

Hey seekparadise, welcome to BB 🙂

Firstly, good job for sharing your thoughts. It's not an easy thing to do and shows that you are ready and willing to face your problems head on! I hope these replies help you to do so.

I know how you feel. I've also gone through periods of my life where I felt stagnant. I would look at others and see how they are progressing in life, whilst I remained in the exact same spot. It's not a nice feeling. As a result, I too would be very irritable and look to the past of better times. Whilst this offered temporary relief, it prevented me from looking to the future and making the necessary steps to take control of my life. It became a vicious cycle which was extremely difficult to break.

But I did break out of it and you can too. My answer was purpose. It reminds me of this famous quote: "Life is like riding a bicycle; in order to keep balance, you must keep moving forward". By having purpose/aims/goals, your life automatically becomes more future-orientated. I would recommend spending some time thinking about what you want out of your life. Discuss these thoughts with your family and friends. Keep track of these thoughts and discussions in a diary. Finally feel alone in this endeavour - family, friends, your local GP, us here at BB are here to support you!

Let us know how you go and if you ever feel like a chat with someone who has been in a similar situation, I'm all ears 🙂