I don't know what to do

[Krausey92]

Hi..

My Name Is Chris. I'm 23 and am having lots of problems with my life. I regularly feel like I'm not good enough and that it doesn't matter what I try to do,  I will fail or give up. I can't seem to keep my mind occupied on anything long enough to finish it. 

I have type 1 diabetes and since I was 18 I've been pretty neglectful of fully managing it. I'm trying harder now but it feels like I can't get on top of it. 

I also have 2 young children who live with my ex partner.  I don't get to see them at all,  and a part of me feels like they could have a better father as I can't do anything for them or even tell them I love them. 

I have felt like I don't deserve to continue living quite often as well. I know I shouldn't feel that way but it always comes to mind. 

I've attempted doing study in a few courses but I got so behind that I just give up and throw it away. I can't find work and I don't apply for anymore because I am sick of been turned down and it hurts knowing I never have a chance. My friend thinks I should see a doctor but I feel too embarrassed to go see anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't even bring myself to go to work for the dole today,  I just stayed in bed like every other day 😞

I hate feeling like I'm not enough for everyone,  including myself 😞 I don't have much in the way of friends and most of my family is distant to me. I've made so many bad decisions over the years and its just getting worse with no sign of it getting any better. I think I've always been this way,  just too afraid to do anything about it.

Mmmm I'm over crying in the shower because I don't feel good in any way about myself. 

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[white knight]

Hi K, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

As for the saying "life is what you make it" but in your case you havent even got the basics of drive to even think that way. You indeed should see a doctor because with the right treatment you would turn all of this around. "right treatment" could includes meds, therapy, psychological sessions and the like but after a while you will begin to turn around and realise that this direction is better than the other way, the way you are heading which...well you know it doesnt include happiness or success.

Your life as it changes for the better will enlighten two little ones lives as they grow because, you might not think it with your current negativity but they need you and their genetical love for you is real and they want it and will want it more and more as time goes by. No other man will replace you...you are your dad and they will want YOU !!.

Being down depressed, negative etc doesnt mean you can just leave all responsibilities aside. Do that and Centrelink will take from you your only livelihood and the street will be the result. Come on man- shake that attitude and 1/ go to your doctor 2/ fullfill your Centrelink obligations and 3/ think of other people in particular your children.

You can do it. There is likely not only attitude but depression or some other reason for this sorrowful existence. As an example I have dysthymia a low constant mood and depression. It wouldnt surprise me if you had that - you will never know without a diagnosis. My meds are simple and low quantity but boy- what a difference it has made on my outlook on life.

Take care.  Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Chris, hi and thanks for posting your comment which is indeed a sad one to read, but even as though you may feel as it won't get any better, there is hope for you, and your position will improve, so please don't leave, as we can support you through this, because it has happened many times before where people feel so destitute with depression that they have almost given up, but down the track they have recovered.

Just like your 1 diabetes you say ' I'm trying harder now ' and I haven't included your remaining remarks, because you know yourself that by having this condition you must be able to control it, otherwise there could be health repercussions.

The point I am trying to make here is that depression can be dealt with in the same manner, it can be controlled, but a little effort has to be made, and this is the hard part.

Your relationship with your partner ex or not, must have been a very uncomfortable separation, where either she wants no more contact from you, or vice-versa, which then leaves your children excluded from any contact from you.

So if you can I would try and rectify even though it's going to be very difficult for you.

Unfortunately I think that you aren't enjoying my comment, but please don't give up just yet.

Most people if I can say this are always embarrassed when they first go to their doctor, that is if they get there, but doctors handle so many people who have depression, and you don't have to say much at all to him/her, as they are very astute and can gather that you or anyone else suffers from depression, so they can then begin the process for the start of your recovery.

I'm running out of characters, so will have to end shortly, but it's you that has to find the strength to make an appointment, easier said than done, I know and have been there myself, but no one can drag you there, because you have to decide to go, and boy, as much as I say this it may sound as though a hard person to deal with, but contrary to this I'm certainly not and very much a caring person.

Hope that you can understand me. Geoff.

[Narniakid]

Hi Krausey92! Well done on sharing your story here on the forums!

I am sorry to hear what a tough time you are having, but remember that your conditions do not define you. 

I cannot stress enough how important professional help is, particularly in your situation. You need a supportive network, and finding a psychologist you like and get along with well is definately one of the most effective treatments. Keep a diary - write down what happened in your day and how you felt about it. Take it along to your GP and they will be able to help you will a suitable psychologist and the right medication. Don't be embarrassed! Just look at how busy this forum is! You're definately not the only one feeling this way, and take my word: it gets better - if YOU make it happen! Every day is a new opportunity to change your life. 7 billion people experienced this day in a different way, and it's up to you how your day goes. 

I strongly suggest reading some of the resources BB has to offer on depression and anxiety - the more you know, the better you will be able to recognise your own triggers. 

Give the hotline a call too - don't be afraid of seeking advice, or merely just someone to listen! 

Negatice thoughts are just reactions to fear, and anxiety thrives on avoidance. It gets better, but it's up to you 🙂

Crystal

[tal21]

Hellooooo chris

it seems your going through a tough time right now, losing hope. But push through, you can do it. If you don't want to see a doctor, do online counselling or you can even message sites like lifeline anonymously. It's important to vent, and sharing your emotions on this forum is a good step. 

 You're feeling low now, and it seems like you're stuck- I know how you feel, but it will get better, hang on. Stay strong Chris.