I'm beginning to dislike my friends

[McarP]

I've recently left school and have started at university. Lately I've been feeling more and more distanced from my high school friends, which I know is a common occurrence. I have made some friends at uni, but none I'd consider to be good friends or people that I can discuss these sorts of things with.

The thing is, I've started to feel something like hate towards my friends - especially to my best friend. I'm growing increasingly intolerant of them, and am talking with them less and less. Every time I do have a chat with them I feel agitated and angry, almost frustrated. When I'm with my friends I'm extremely irritable.

 I've always enjoyed my own company, but I'm starting to feel increasingly lonely. Which is funny, because I'm the one pushing them away! 

 I know something as trivial as this probably belongs in a teen magazine advice column, but I figured I'd throw it out there to see if any other people have dealt with the same issue and have any advice.

Thanks,

🙂

[white knight]

Hi McarP, welcome here.

Good question. Why are we so intolerant at times.?

I'm 59yo. In the past I've had expectations of people that could be seen as unreasonable. And often my expectations have been along the lines of what I would do for them. Fact is, they usually dont have the same actions, values, time frames etc as me. So that is often a recipe for disaster.

So now, I have an attitude that friends are fluid, they come, they go, some stay for the long term, some dont. I now allow this fluid motion its freedom to move.

This leads me to your "I'm pushing them away" action. Pushing them away I think is different to drifting away. Try drifting. This is different because you are then allowing yourself space/time to take a breath before you see them again. But by pushing them away you are closing a door. Far different.

Also you feel "hate" towards some friends. This could be that you are saturating yourself with those people. Best friends often have time out, say 2-3 weeks then when they meet they have things to talk about. Everyone has bad habits, even thinking methods can be frustrating, others things like punctuality, smoking, attitudes and how they treat others. I had a perfect friend once except in every conversation he's mention Jesus and that was an indication he wanted to transform my atheist views. We no longer see each other.

Friends from school do drift. But you'll be amazed how you reunite and then the friendship is even more special. Spread your wings and meet new friends. The old ones that adore you will hang around. You are still at a stage of your life when you are changing and learning new things. This intolerance thing you are enduring ATM will subside. You just need space IMO and you might need to tell your friends that but be subtle. Tell them its not them....its you.

Tony WK

[McarP]

Thank you Tony, that's a massive help. 🙂

[Sophia_Sophia]

Hi McarP,

What you are experiencing is so normal, I've experienced that with several of my friends and I know they have as well! 

Like what Tony said, drifting from friends at times, especially when you leave school, is to be expected as you all explore different things but with those core friends you do always come back stronger than ever and appreciate the friendship incredibly. Don't be bothered too much by your feelings and allow yourself that space from them naturally.

Good luck 🙂  

[Tizlak]

Hi McarP,
I've had a similar experience to you, in my first year of uni I was getting increasingly lonely as I begin to miss the constant interaction with friends that highschool provided. I would message them asking them how they are and when they asked me how i was i would never replied, too ashamed to tell them i was lonely.

Slowly i got this perception that all my friends hated me cause they never talked to me even though looking back i realised it was me who pushed them away. Even still i believed they were not my friends anymore. This was until i would just randomly run into them and we would chat for hours and then rekindle our friendship.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of leaving highschool and thinking that university will be the same, but its really a whole different world. In saying that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I know that now 3 years out from high school i value my old friends friendships so much more dearly as i did in highschool and Uni also gives me a huge oppurtunity to make new friends with people of all ages and from various places in the world I may have never met otherwise!

I hope ive been of help, but i think your feeling are natural and perfectly valid, weve all been through it but i'm sure once youve had some time to adjust to the change of leaving school and let your life settle down a bit, it will all work out for you, All the best and good luck! 🙂
- Tizlak

[Lori]

Hi McarP,

I was in the boat last year, i myself was getting extremely agitated with my friends and family because i felt that our relationships were fading more and more each day. Unfortunately this happens all the time and is very normal.

I have currently just started uni myself and i don't have much contact with my school friends. But the way i look at it, yeah of course i miss my old friends more and more each day but when i was around them i was agitated and upset. I have decided to focus more on study as there is plenty of time to make good genuine friends that you can trust and have an excellent friendship with.  

Building a trustworthy friendship so you can share everything with takes time but it does happen and all you need is patience. 

Excellent work reaching out, focus on your study and don't let friendships get in the way of your goals. But in saying that try not to push away your loved ones and the ones that truly care for you.

- Lori 🙂

[LottieRay]

Hi there,

You may find that the reason you are growing irritated with your old friends is that you re simply growing apart. As you enter new environments your interests and world changes so it may mean that at this point in time, those people do not fit comfortably into your puzzle picture.

Whilst you may rekindle those friendships at a future points there are certain things you can do to feel less lonely.

Universities have plenty of clubs and societies so it may be worth checking one out to see what sparks your interests. This way you can find like minded individuals beyond the classroom setting.

In addition to this try taking up a hobby outside your university setting. This way you have more forums in which to interact with people and gaining friendships from these.

[Narniakid]

Hey McarP!

This is something I know is so common after we finish high school, and that is usually because, unbeknown to us at the time, most of our high school friendships are based on one common factor - we go to the same school; you're all thrown into the same classes and made to see each other 8 hours a day, 5 days a week! It's bound to happen!

So when you remove that factor, that is when you start to realise the people you REALLY click with. And you know what? There's nothing wrong that! In fact, it's almost necessary for you to grow as a person, because you need a support group that you actually like. Chances are, a couple of your friends are thinking the same thing. I was recently on the receiving end of someone in your situation, and after I sat down and thought about it, I realised, it's bound to happen, and that's just the way it is sometimes. It doesn't mean you hate them or they hate you, you just grow as individuals and loose common interests.

I'd definitely have a look into some clubs at your university, and think about trying some hobbies or sports.

Good luck!

Crystal

[PatT]

Hi McarP,

first off what you're feeling isn't trivial. My first year of university was a massive change. Pretty confronting, thousands of new people and heaps of new responsibilities and new ways of thinking. In those first few years it's highly likely that you're going to see a number of friendships fade or disappear. It can be pretty anxiety provoking but from my experience it's just a natural progression that most people go through after high school.

With the friends that you're finding irritating - were you friends in high school just out of necessity? In that I mean were you guys just hanging out because that was your social circle or do you guys have shared interests/hobbies/etc.?

For me, I realised that a number of people I thought were good friends were actually completely different from me, we lacked shared interests and I kind of felt I was at a different stage of maturity to them. University study puts different ideas into your head - you start to see the world a bit differently and the relationships you valued in previous years don't seem as wholesome as they once were.

My advice would be to still keep these friends in contact but don't stress yourself about it. Try and branch out a bit - meet new people, get involved in university life, engage yourself in something you're interested whether that be a sport or a university club. I know I felt lonely as well in those first few years. You come from an environment where you're surrounded by peers you know fairly well, all day 5 days a week. At university you're pretty much dropped out there by yourself and expected to figure out what's what.

I'm sure that in time, with a little bit of effort, you'll establish some new social circles and the loneliness will fade. Just don't beat yourself up about it too much and don't isolate! Even if they annoy you try and figure out what it is exactly that's annoying you and decide whether it really makes sense or not.

All the best,

Pat.

[SeanM92]

Hey McarP,

As a few of my Co-posters have said, friends will come and go through schooling, especially going into something as huge as college. Don't worry about it too much, maybe you could try doing more specific things with your high school mates, like something you enjoy or maybe hang out with them less and see how you feel, sometimes when we feel like we HAVE to hang out with people or need to be friends with them it takes the joy out if it which can also make us push people away.

As you said yourself, its a common occurrence and you shouldn't really panic about it, its just apart of life.

If you really wanted to you could try talking to one of your mates about it but they may not understand.

good luck and i wish you well

and good luck with college