Depressed after the end of a Relationship

[Adam13298]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I'm not entirely sure if this is the right section but I think depression is the most pertinent to my story.

I'll start by saying, I'm 19 years old, I've been overweight for most of my childhood, but I was a happy child, I continued this way until year 8, I began feeling down, because of this my weight exploded even more until the end of year 10, 137kg at my peak, by this stage I knew I had depression and anxiety, I was scared to do anything even as simple as buying something from the store because I was so self conscious, and the depression I buried every day under a smile, never talked about it, no one could even tell I was sad or angry.

So I decided to lose the weight, midway through year 12 I had lost over 60kg, these issues had mostly disappeared, only feeling down on rare occasions. I started going to the gym, my self-confidence went up, then in November last year, I met a girl, we discovered we were similar in so many ways, a few short weeks later she was my first girlfriend.

We were liked by each others parents and friends, Myself, her and everyone else believed we were made for each other, my depression and anxiety no longer existed, for the first time in so many years, I was genuinely happy. But a month and a half ago, she changed overnight, little things at first but they grew, she started showing less interest in me, stopped being happy to see me, and I began feeling isolated in her company. In the month since I noticed the changes, my anxiety returned, I could feel her growing away and I knew I had to ask her about it. She gave a somewhat comforting answer.

I didn't see her until 4 days later, when she called it off, that was the 22nd of may, I was incredulous and inconsolable, she gave me the reason that she feels like she's not what I deserve and that she doesn't love me like I deserve. This was so unbelievable I literally couldn't respond, she was exactly what I wanted. But despite how much she said she loved me, she was not upset or remorseful, she simply didn't care.

I'm going to have to cut this short, there's a lot more detail, but I'm here because my mind just will not stop fixating on this, the reasons don't make sense, I'm having fits of rage that I've never felt before and they feel like they wont stop coming, and now the familiar weight of depression is dragging me down, I'm getting feelings of dread, I can't concentrate, this is one week before my university exams begin.

Thanks in advance.

[BenignSky]

So I write too much and ran out of words, haha.
*also ignore the equals sign in my last post - it's 1:41am in the morning and I'm typing without a light so give me a break xD
I'm fifteen, so my experiences with love specifically are quite small, I don't know what love is, but I swear I've felt it (currently think I'm in it at the moment) but I can definitely sympathise in the sense of someone I really cared about and had very strong feelings for leave me for my best friend, and another who dropped me, and most recently someone where the feelings were mutual but found someone else as well....so I know the consequences of love.
I'll share you my stories when I'm not falling asleep at my laptop and can actually respond with better detail, haha.
I'm sorry about your break up again. I know it's hard, especially a first love, but you'll get through this, just like everything else you have battled previously. Don't be too hard on yourself, my friend.
- Em

[Adam13298]

Hi BballJ,

I never really understood emotional pain before, as I never really had to experience it, I've been fortunate that I haven't had a passing family member or friend, the worst I've felt was when my dog died many years ago, and I think I may have been to young to really understand what that meant. But now I see why they say its worse than physical, because every second you try to figure it out, makes it hurt more, and for longer, as just like with you, my biggest symptom is overthinking as you may have been able to guess haha, and its really difficult because every little thing I see reminds me of her, I never realised how many girls had long blonde hair until now.

I'm scared that my depression will come back the way it was, I know its normal when you've lost someone, but I feel exactly like I used to, and I really don't want that. Talking about the breakup is helping me slowly move on, and from there I guess we'll see if the depression a phase of grieving or if its back in full swing.

Thanks for the support, it really is much appreciated. I keep picking up on more and more little things that should have told me something, after I told my friend and showed him our messages he said "it all seems a bit obvious now", and it kinda does, she lead me on, dragged me through the dirt, she had time to get over it, over a month, and she just dropped me a week before my exams, and that infuriates not only me, but my friends and family as well. As I said in another post there is more detail, I might make another post to give people a better picture of it.

Thank you for your time, Jay.

Adam

[Adam13298]

Hi talklp,

I'm really sorry to hear about that, I feel bad enough right now after being dropped at the end of almost 6 months, 3 years is 6 times that, I can only imagine how that must have felt, but if it's not too invasive, may I ask how it ended? Hearing other peoples experiences gives me a better picture of where I'm at, and I think helps me rationalise it a little better.

Time is definitely helping, as is talking, and I'm exactly the same, I've always been fairly introverted, and writing it down is easier than having to say it I think.

It's difficult to believe that someone that was so important to you is now gone, especially when (In my case) you know they don't care at all. I keep getting images of her laughing, that was my favourite thing about her. But I stopped trying to message her two days after it happened because it was doing no good, it was only hurting me more, I said i'd talk in a little while when I was a bit more clear thinking, so maybe in a few days, and she said ok to that. So with any luck she'll explain herself a little better.

I had a look at the 5 stages, mine were a bit jumbled haha, the anger lasted longest, but I really am still in the denial phase, it's still unbelievable to me.

And you're right, it is comforting to know that it's completely normal, eventually I will move on, hopefully I can find happiness in the future, and I hope the same to you.

Adam.

[Adam13298]

Hi Em,

Haha thanks for the virtual hug *hugs back*, I've never looked back since loosing the weight, it was my biggest insecurity, but I now have loose skin and pockets of fat laying around, it still is. And I trusted her enough to show her, the one thing that no one else on earth has ever seen, me without a shirt on. And she said it didn't bother her at all, but maybe that was a lie too.

Maybe that's another thing to take from this, trust my gut a little more, I can't help but feel that if I asked the question after a week when I was first going to, that maybe this wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would have sooner, and it would have been so much less painful. And what makes me really sad right now, is that I was planning, for over a month and a half with a few of her friends, a surprise date for our six month anniversary today. Cancelling the plans wasn't easy.

Actually that was something that one of my female friends told me, I've known her for something like 13-14 years, and her parents split around 7 years ago, she told me that her mother just woke up one day, and decided she wasn't happy with where she was in life. I feel for her father so much. It's absolutely mind boggling how something like that could happen.

It's a plus definitely, because now I won't have to hide my mental struggles, and I can begin to work through them.

Amen haha, she always said one of the things she loved about me was how good I was to her, she always used to tell me how good of a boyfriend I was, and I appreciated that, because I was putting in the effort to make her happy, but it seems towards the end the tighter I held on the more she slipped through my fingers, she was the girl that stole my breath, the feeling I got with her was euphoric, and I gave her that feeling as well, or at least I did for a while. Everything you're describing is exactly how it felt, and how she used to feel, but for her it just stopped.

I've been unhappy by myself for so long, even with good friends, she was the light in the darkness for me, but its fizzled out and i'm lost again.

[Adam13298]

Hi again Em,

I don't want to get too philosophical or cheesy, as much as I do enjoy philosophical ramblings and cheese haha, but after experiencing this, I don't think love is one specific emotion or feeling, but rather it's a culmination of things that show you love someone, its trust and honesty, unconditional support, and friendship, it's always wanting the best for someone, always wanting to be with them and accepting them for who they are, it's the little things like the random Hi's, I miss you's and I love you's, it's always being happy for someone even if you've had the worst day of your life, its a commitment to someone, an effort, and a promise. And perhaps that's why there's so many emotions when they leave, because you're not just losing a lover, but you're also losing a friend, your support, your confidant, you feel a sense of betrayal that they now know every thing about you that you never told anyone, they gave up on you, they broke their promise. That's at least how it was for me. And I think writing this I realise that she stopped doing many of those things quite a while ago, maybe she never really loved me, maybe she only thought she did.

I've never understood how people could be so horrible as to cheat on their partners, and then turn around and say they care about them, I now have somewhat of an idea of how you would have felt, and I'm sorry you had to experience it not only once, but twice. And as I said before I would like to hear your experiences, it sounds like you've had it pretty rough.

And thanks again, I am moving forward, slowly, but I'll get there with time.

Adam.

[BenignSky]

This breaks my heart, I hate what she's done to you. I'm really sorry.

View your pockets of loose skin as a reminder of everything you've battled to get to where you are today. I know that's a hard thing to come to terms with (being a girl who is somewhat overweight yet has a small frame, I get the body-image issues). I can tell you, me personally, it doesn't worry me, and I appreciate the fact that you were able to show yourself to her - that's a big deal for you, and I can't imagine the amount of strength that would have taken you.

The best thing you can do today is distract yourself. Are any of your friends free? Maybe catch up with them, or chill out to music - find something that you like doing. You don't have to go out, maybe just stay in. If you haven't already, cry. Sometimes we all just need a good cry and scream and to hit some pillows. Let everything rage. Whoever said it's weak for men to cry is an idiot.

Sometimes it just happens. You just fall out of love. Some people aren't meant to love just one person, they're too free-spirited or indecisive. Every person I've ever had feelings for, I still have feelings for. Even if they've hurt me. You have a heart too big for this world.

Well take that; know that you treat girls right, one of the very few guys out there who do nowadays. I can't imagine the pain you're going through today, but trust me, you'll get through this. Someone will love you as much as you love them.

I honestly just want to cuddle you man. You'll find your light, just keep inching your way across. You'll get there, I promise.

[BenignSky]

I like how you define love, in the practical sense, the simple way. I think a lot of people fall in love with the idea of being in love, and knowing someone has their back, rather than giving their all to the relationship and making an effort themselves. It's a horrible thing to have happen to you, and you'll find others, just like she will find someone and she will fall in love with them, just like you are with her, and she'll feel your pain and worry and doubt. Maybe not in the exact same way, but she will. It's weird how the world works.

I had written out one of my experiences this morning, but it looks like it didn't post or something I said was picked up and seen as a danger (I can't think of the right word) to post on here. I will write out the experience, when I'm free and am not swimming with headaches.

I'm used to the rough times - it's what makes me, me, right? Just like it will you.

I'm glad you're moving forward, even if it is slowly. It will all come full circle, I promise.

I didn't see your last post either, hence why I'm writing it now, haha.

- Em

[Adam13298]

This really has destroyed me, whilst the wild swings of emotion have ended, the anger fits have subsided quite a bit, although still there, the spontaneous crying stopped a while ago, and I think I can feel myself starting to come to terms with it, the incredulity is still there, its still a distraction in everything I do. So it will take me more time to get over my heartbreak, but I definitely am feeling the depression return, I had a mate come over for the night, and even though we were busy for the whole time, I just felt so down, all day.

That's one thing that I do think is good about it, a symptom of my depression was my voracious over eating, so this time even if I am down, I won't return to my old ways, I've overcome that mountain and I'm not turning around. It wasn't easy, but she actually had a similar issue, she used to be overweight, nowhere near the extent I was, but she was insecure about her body too, and she showed me, and I thought that only strengthened our relationship, but I guess not.

I've been trying to distract myself as much I could, whenever I'm at home the feeling is really bad, especially in my room at my computer, which is where I spent most of my childhood. But even with friends I'm feeling down again, just as I used to, and it really sucks.

Perhaps that's true, maybe love means different things to different people, but to me, it was, I guess, extreme connection, I just got her if that makes sense, and I couldn't imagine that closeness going away that quickly unless something really drastic happened. Even now after how she went about this, I still love her.

I generally try to treat everyone right, especially her, but I guess it didn't really matter in the end though, she said "I treated her so well and she wasn't reciprocating", I can't comprehend that, but right as I write this, I think I just realised I'm done trying, it still hurts a lot, but I just don't care anymore.

Well I really could use a cuddle right now haha, I am getting there, slowly moving on from it. But i'm just feeling down again, all the time, and I don't know what else to do other than talk.

I appreciate the kind words and hope for me, since hope is not something I'm feeling a lot of right now.

[Adam13298]

A relationship is a two way thing, it just can't work without the dedication and commitment of both parties, and unfortunately she just didn't care enough about us to put in that effort, that relationship was a relief from my mental health problems, and it felt great, but it was taken from me in an unfortunate way, cruel world I guess.

That's okay, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me, hope you get over the headaches soon.

Adam.

[BenignSky]

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, I get everything you're saying and I wish I could offer more help instead of just "I get you" but I can't even help myself. The feeling of just being so down, even with friends, and the overwhelming sense of "oh..." when you're alone, particularly at home, and the random fits of crying and anger...it's exactly me right now. You're lucky you have someone who can stay over with you though - that's good.

I can guarantee, coming from the perspective of a girl who's overweight and has body confidence issues, her showing yourself to you and being comfortable around you, would've been the hardest thing for her to do. It did make you guys stronger, it made you build an even deeper understanding of trust, junt unfortunately it wasn't enough, or that trust was taken advantage of. You're so strong for overcoming comfort eating. When I'm upset, I binge on whatever I can, even if it's fruit, then I'll starve myself for the next few days, only eating dinner because my family eats dinner together. You're strong, don't doubt that.

'Getting' someone is honestly one of the best feelings. Thought I met my soul mate a few weeks ago, everything was so cool and sweet and he is the most adorable person out. We just knew each other so well, only having just met, and we were flirting heaps. Then a week later he stopped and told me he was in love with someone else, making it official Sunday just gone. It broke my heart, I'm still friends with him, but I got a message not long ago, asking me if I had any tips on how to get rid of a hickey. Losing that connection is the worst feeling, gut wrenching and horrible. Why wasn't I enough? So many questions, and it's so painful to go through. I feel for you, I really do.

I still love him too, and the two girls before him. I fall more in love every day. I can see why you would too, with your ex. When you know someone so well, you can't help but continue your love, even after its demise. It's horrible, and it sucks, I know. It'll get easier, I promise.

Not caring is probably the best thing right now, but deep down you do still care, otherwise you wouldn't be tormenting yourself with the questions. You tell yourself you don't care, but you do. I'm the same.

Talking is better than hiding it (like what I'm doing, ha). I promise someone else will come along - remember you're still young and learning about you. You have plenty of time to fall in love, and you'll meet someone ❤️