Really Struggling

Malen · ‎03-04-2023

I have a good job, been there 14 years. On unpaid leave since mid-January due to my own mental illness and because I was caring for my sister. My sister recently attempted suicide, I found her, it messed me up, more than I was before.

I have heaps of medical and mental health issues, 27 different medications a day. Chronic pain. Bladder Cancer. Bipolar 2 with psychotic features, Anxiety and Depression. Then some.

Currently recovering from a brief psychotic episode, managed to have that with none of my family realising or doing a thing about it.

Currently struggling with anxiety and depression. My anxiety is off the charts but I have medications to help control that.

My depression is really bad at the moment, self care is basically non-existant. I shower when I have to, used to be when I had appointments but Im down to if they are going to need any clothes off or its been more than what deoderant and cologne can cover up.

Eating is a bit, I dunno. I wake up at like 1 or 2 in the morning and will have some cereal. Im buying lite n' Easy meals for lunch and tea, like their main meals and force myself to have lunch but its usually postponed. Tea, I have to eat for my medication so again Im putting it off but making myself do it. Crap food, no problem, ill eat that all day if left to it.

Medications is a bit of a deal. I dont want to take them, 1/2 the time I think they are poison, the rest of the time its just a battle to take them.

I had spinal procedure recently so daily life is a bit 'relaxed' I try to do what I can but its not much as most things cause pain.

Getting around 5 hours sleep is doing well. This has been the case or a while, not the procedure, though pain has been an issue for a long time. Waking up seeing a vision of my sister when I found her from her attempt. They are regular and happen during the day.

mmMekitty · ‎03-04-2023

Hi Malen & welcome to the forum.

From what you say, life sure does look to be a daily struggle for you.

I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your sister's attempted suicide & that you found her & had to care for her. That must have been very difficult. I'm not surprised you have had recurring visions of her, appearing as she did on that day.

You know, sometimes we hav to do things we don't want to do. Such as eating well to maintain the health of our bodies, or taking medication for what they are prescribed for, even when there are thoughts & feelings about them which make us not want to take them, & showering too, even though you might think, why bother, will make you feel better after.

Seems to me the thoughts & feelings are trying to stop you being the best person you can be, even for yourself. I don't know if that makes sense to you. It's just how I think my own thoughts & feelings have been when I haven't cared for myself.

It takes a decision from you, & then a lot of determination.For me, it also took the help of a psychiatrist, even to get me talking.

That was many years ago. I felt no optimism, no hope, just desperate. I made a decision to see a GP & lots of working through my thoughts & feelings, I am here now, on BB talking to you, Malen.

I won't kid you; it won't be easy. It has been many small steps, so gradually, at times I'm not sure any change has taken place, then I look up & see where I am & know I have changed a lot for the better.

I am heartened to see you have a good job, for 14 year, & you felt you could be there to help your sister. That's a good, big deal to me, a very compassionate thing to do.

Hugzies for you & your sister, & other family around you too.

mmMekitty

Malen · ‎04-04-2023

So the words hospitalisation has been thrown around a bit, directly and indirectly via different avenues.

I have just had a psychotic episode, the only remaining issue for me on that front is that I think my meds are poision. Im not sure what that fits under the psychotic banner. Im still taking my meds primarily because I want the grim reaper to hurry up so if they are poision then Im aiding in that.

Im pretty depressed. Im not showering, Im not even getting changed, even for bed, Im not getting much sleep, a little more at the moment cause of pain meds, eating is an issue, its happening but its a challenge. As I said medication is an issue, Im compliant which is why my GP didnt send me to hospital today. There is alot of self-care stuff Im not doing and I dont have the desire? Will? something to do.

Im not overly keen on hospital, I mean most people wouldnt be but my Mum has just got home from hospital, my sister is in hospital, Ive just had spinal procedure and my Dad has been left to run the house and deal with everyone. So I want to help him. Im worried if I do go into hospital my sisters recovery would be impacted.

She is in for an attempt, I found her and it messed me up (further) so she will feell guilty. The procedure hasnt recovered as quickly as expected, like it was supposed to be 48 hrs and it turns out it might be closer for 6 weeks, this pushed me over the edge.

My mental health nurse wouldnt say one way or the other but gave recommendations where to go. Beyond blue referred me to triage. My GP said some triggers to hospital.

white knight · ‎05-04-2023

Hi Malen, welcome

You have a lot on your plate ATM. That complexity of life sure does help "push you over" and many here have been there. We are people that survived life and all it through at us. We sit here typing knowing what you are experiencing and although not professionals we are a link in the chain of help and we are 24/7/365, just post and wait for a little while.

If only we could display how life can be a contrast from where you aare now to where you'll be once your family life has settled and you get the help you deserve.

At 12yo I suffered a trauma to do with my brother. He too his life at 26yo, I was 23. It wasnt until I was 53yo that I got a great psych that identified with my trauma and diagnosed my sadness as dysthymia. I also have bipolar. A proper diagnosis saved me as the meds were the magic I needed.

So there is an answer out there for you, whatever that might be. You did extremely well when you found your sister- well done and you can relieve her of her guilt when it comes. It's good to help your family but sometimes we have to help ourselves so we can help them, so all of us here spend time focussing on our own needs.

No doubt your depression is serious and at a low. Remember- it can only go up!.

Keep posting if you desire.

TonyWK

Malen · ‎07-04-2023

Im really depressed today, Im not sure why or whats trigered it to become so much worse today than its been lately. I literally woke up feeling like shit.

Im not doing any selfcare etc as it is, closest thing to selfcare that Im doing at the moment is writing on here. But I really do want to get absolutly hammered. Im an ex-alcoholic and have done well not to drink since 1/11/21 however long ago that was but given the chance today I would drive to the bottle shop and buy a bottle of just about anything and sit and polish of the whole thing. Im not going to, but I really want to. Besides which I cant cause Im too damn drowsy from the pain killers.

Emotionally/Mentally I feel like I have stood in the middle of 4 panes of glass that exploded inward. I am just torn up, cut up and have shards of glass all through me. Im so shredded but I have so many shards that actually trying to save me is basically impossible. By the time you get all the glass out Ive bled out. But you cant patch me up with all the glass in the way.

I feel completely beyond repair, like a car smashed between 2 semitrucks. I feel like each time I reach out to get someone to repair me its so hard. Like just getting a psychiatrist is taking weeks. I cant seem to get a good psychologist, getting into support services I have to wait weeks. My mental health nurse doesnt actually support or listen.

I know I need a psychiatrist and a good psychologist, I dont think they can fix me, thats not what Im after anymore, Im beyond that. But maybe they can I dunno turn me into something that resembles me, something that even if I was missing an arm and a few fingers was something like the person I was/should be

Please Im honest in saying that I am safe, I have no feelings of harming myself or others. The harms been done, actually killing myself would only serve to harm my family.

Malen · ‎07-04-2023

I live in rural/remote SA. Im trying to find a Psychiatrist. I can get to Adelaide but IF you can get onto their books its a 6-12month wait. So, I went online found a company, have done a couple of section 291 sessions since december last year, each time they have been hard to work with but I have limited options. Im now looking for ongoing psychiatric support, Im recovering from a psychotic episode, depression is off the charts, anxiety through the roof. Im caring for my sister who is on her second suicide attempt (currently in hospital) and a world of other issues. Im in desperate need of a psychiatrist.

I sent through a referral for my Dad and for me at the same time, 2 different emails. Dads was processed and declined (for good reason it was BS, not his fault or doctors) so I expected mine to come soon after. Nothing so I contacted them. After much back and forth I finally got an appointment date and then the confirmation email saying for the psychiatrist I had previously seen, he only does once off appointments and wasnt who the referral was for. So I was like WTF and turns out they had reprocessed my old referral.

I went a little bunta and got the referral sending them the referral via email again and asked they told me when received. They told me of a different psychiatrist as the one I had seleted only did once offs as well. So they gave me details of a psychiatrist doing ongoing support so I asked a) had they received the referral and b) did they now need me to have the persons name changed. RADIO FREAKING SILENCE for a day and a half. Now its easter break and I have no idea whats going on, do I need to spend even more money (as I had an appointment last night and could have sorted)

Im also waiting for the Psychiatrist to find out what kind of psychologist I need to see.

Another program Im going through for a councillor has a massive waiting list and no idea when that will happen.

Yet another company that works with the rural and remote areas I contacted in Mid March said they would be in touch end of April. Things got worse (psychotic episode) so I reached out to them and Im seeing them mid April now. So at least thats something.

Im kinda losing it just trying to get help, let alone pay for it. It shouldnt be this hard for people to get psychiatric help

Johnny_ · ‎07-04-2023

Hi Malen,

It certainly sounds like your going through a ruff trot at the moment, hang in there as you are doing great! it’s awesome you reached out to beyond blue too…it’s nice to know we are not alone when going through tuff times. I read peoples stories for inspiration at times myself and it helps a lot.

I agree with what you said too, it should be super easy to get help for mental health, I don’t get it either.

Since your remote, I wonder if your dr can give you a referral for a psychologist? that way it’s covered under Medicare which helps with the cost. And these days, some most psychologists do video meetings. I’m not sure if that your thing but I find it good…and it opens up your options.

I find psychologist are better than a psychiatrist as they only use talk theropy.

Do you use other self care practices? I find journaling works well, meditation, exercise, stretching, no screen time for an hr, mindfulness(sitting outside is great), deep breathing…my current thing which is weird but great as it relives tension, cold showers etc there’s heaps out there.

stay strong, you’ve got this!

sbella02 · ‎08-04-2023

Malen,

I hear you. Thank you for posting on here, I warmly welcome you to our Beyond Blue community. Thank you for your vulnerability in your post.

I resonate with bits and pieces of your post. If you're not already a writer, with imagery like "I feel like I have stood in the middle of 4 panes of glass that exploded inward", you definitely should be. That wording was powerful. I've felt this feeling before, and you've described it with such eloquence.

Writing and journalling are great ways of releasing and expressing inner emotions and thoughts, as you have done here with your post. Doing it regularly can actually be quite therapeutic. We have a few writers and poets on the forums, and I'd encourage you to take a look at some of the work of our members:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/ptsd-and-trauma/poems-by-mmmekitty-tw/m-p/12863

From experience, cravings for something that's not good for us can generally be satisfied with healthier substitutes. You could try snacking on some fruit or having a glass of milk, and see if this does anything to reduce your cravings. It's not necessarily a long-term solution, but it can be effective short-term.

Please feel free to keep chatting with us if you wish, we're here to support you.

All the best, SB

Malen · ‎08-04-2023

Think Ill go to hospital tomorrow

Im in a lot of pain. I have a nerve lesion from recent spinal procedure. I have pain meds and specialist has doubled my nerve pain meds but its not really doing much today.

I have Bipolar 2 w/ Psychotic features as well as anxiety and OCD. I had a brief moment last night where the screaming in my head was back. Its like thousands upon thousands of damned souls screaming sometimes briefly or up to 4 months have been the longest. So Im worried that thats an indication of that starting again. I have other psychotic symptoms and have psychotic breaks so worried Im on the road to another one, currently recovering from one.

The pain has sent my depression into overdrive, I feel like a fat useless slug. My sister is in hospital after a second suicide attempt (I found her it messed me up) I can speak to her on the phone but I cant visit her, I cant give her a hug. Mum just got home from hospital and has gone back to previous ways, wont leave her room, sleeping heaps, but her care is all up to Dad as is seeing my sister. Now he has to do my chores and help look after me. I do what I can for myself but he still has to help on some stuff. Hes got to do all the house work as well as look after outside and the animals, we are on 3 acres.

I feel like I have become a greater burden since trying to get rid of the pain. I feel like my Dad looks at my weight and blames that for many of my ills, including mental health. I feel like Dad thinks its been a couple weeks so I should be over it and back doing my normal tasks. I feel like I bring no value to the household, that I am useless. Dad doesnt understand why I call help lines etc, he doesnt appreciate that I am in crisis and I cant get help.Im trying to get a psychiatrist via an online service, only way I can get one, this services admin is woefull and it has taken over 2 weeks to get no where other than potentially needing a new referral and I cant get a new psychologist until I get the psychiatrist as I dont know what psychologist type to use.

I have other recources that I am waiting on, a couple weeks away. But I feel uttterly hopless, powerless, directionleess, abandoned and like shit and I see no way out

quirkywords · ‎09-04-2023

Malen

Sorry to hear you are in so much pain.

Iam thinking of you and hope your pain lessens.