Personality Disorder Pathological

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.

This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.

You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.

I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.

I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.

She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.

I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.

I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.

Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.

Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.

[Guest8901]

Good morning LiH. Just quickly calling in to say hi, and to check that you're okay. I was worried about you last night, and still am.

By the way, I finished reading that article on NPD. Its very interesting and I gained a lot of insight through reading it.

To repeat your question to my the other day: "Just wondering if you'd agree with me after reading that 'NPD Basic' - Once "NPD' becomes no longer a dirty word, you may notice more people may be suffering from this pathology. My hunch is that some of long term depressives who had no success in turning around their lives may well have this 'trauma' deep inside, unchecked, thus no psychological improvement. Especially, the ones haven't been able to bounce back from career failure etc. the ones struggling with emptiness festering in their minds' very core."

Yes I would agree with you that when NPD is better understood and no longer considered a 'dirty word' there will most likely be many more people willing to seek help and thus many more diagnosed with the disorder. It terribly sad that because of the general public's perception of the disorder, that many people are likely to hide it and not seek treatment.

The article you referred me to, says: "Increased societal awareness about the nature and complexity of NPD is a work in progress that hopefully will help to reduce misunderstandings, condemnation, and prejudice, and make treatment more available and effective".

And this is why I commend you so wholeheartedly for your thread here. You are educating the public about something which is universally misunderstood and wrongly reviled. It's with the help of people like yourself that this can be turned around. Mental Health in general is now understood and accepted in the wider community because of long term and sustained education at the grass roots level. NPD will become that also.

I would like for you to keep talking to us here Loner. I enjoy talking to you. And a lot can be gained, not just yourself, but many others reading.

Sending you a caring hug.

Mandy

[Birdy77]

Hello LiH 😊

How are you feeling today?

We're here for you when you would like to chat.

Sorry if i overwhelmed you with my long post rabbiting on about gardening and drag shows. Just got excited 😄. I was really enjoying listening to you and Mandy, so i hope i didn't bombard you with my chatter and ruin it.

Hope you are feeling better today than you felt yesterday.

Hope to see you back here soon.

🌻birdy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Hi to Mondy, Birdy, everybody who has since came over here.

I have been typing something to shed light on the reason why I reacted the way I did.

It's on the bleak landscape of my mind and is not pretty, could even be harmful and disrespectful, but getting long.

I have to consult my new psychologist first for his opinion whether to post it or not, because it could provoke anger and repulsion to you well meaning people, I fear that's most likely.

On the other hand, it may elicit more understanding of the pathology of people like me like Mandy has been saying and maybe some feeling of relatedness but this is a very small if.

I am sorry all for being so rude.

LiH.

[Guest8901]

Thanks for your explanation LiH. Incidentally I never considered you were being rude at all. I was merely concerned for you.

I am interested to hear what you have to say. But I can understand your caution. Run it by your new psych to see what he thinks. Please also bear in mind that these forums are moderated and any wording or content deemed to be hurtful or disrespectful to others is removed or modified.

So I do not think you can go too far wrong.

For now, I am happy just to have heard back from you and to know you remain safe.

When do you see the psych again?

Big relieved hug to you.

Mandy

[Birdy77]

Great to hear from you LiH 😊

Please don't worry.

We are here to support you, we have our own deep flaws and issues, and are not here to judge you in any way, simply to offer an encouraging support if we possibly can.

I think you explained a bit when you said you weren't used to being nurtured. That's completely understandable. Anything different to what we're used to can be frightening and can make us recoil.

Whenever you're ready, we'll be here, even if just someone to chat to about light things if you'd like. Life can be lonely. Chatting can shift your mood sometimes and can help.

Like Mandy, I'm pleased to hear from you.

Pats to the doggy 🐶

🌻birdy

[Croix]

Dear LiH`

I'm glad you are here again, when I read your previous post I was unsure if you intended to come back. Again I can't see any rudeness, believe Birdy if not me.

I know you are turning over in your mind whether you should type something in here or not, This place is protected, and I'd think - looking back on your posts - you are not a person to forget the frailties of others, so I'd expect it would be fine.

If there is something you would like to say and hesitate to put down here please don't forget our own 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) where you can be more forthright. A human voice is a different thing to all this text and can be a comfort, particularly if you need that comfort straight away.

If I remember right I think you said your little dog did not like children, do you think that might be something from life before ending up at the pound? A friend of my partner gets her dogs from the pound, and the last two have had an abiding dislike of men:(

Croix

[Guest8901]

Good morning LiH. I'm just dropping in to let you know I'm thinking of you. No pressure on you to reply however. I really want you to know I care, and I look forward to further discussions with you when you're ready.

I was pleased to see that you posted to another thread yesterday as well. A very good post too. Well done to you.

Talk again soon, I hope.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Mandy, I was checking other forums to check on how much it is acceptable to disclose.

What I have been typing, is an emotional dumping full of anger.

I have been fighting my urge to post which I want to avoid while you are very down - because you'd definitely read it if I post.

[Guest8901]

Dear LiH,

Please always remember that this thread is all about YOU. Yes its true we need to consider others who are reading our thread, but ultimately it's about whats best for you. There is nothing wrong with an emotional dumping. Sometimes it helps enormously to be able to do so, especially to an audience who is receptive, understanding any sympathetic.

As you may have just discovered with your last post, if there is anything which may cause a problem, the post will not automatically come through until it is approved by moderators. Many posts, from all of us, get help up occasionally for scrutiny to ensure all members safety.

Its true I am down at the moment, and its also true that I will read your posts as they come through. I very much appreciate that you consider my welfare. But I reiterate that this thread is all about you, and whats best for you. If that means disclosing your feelings, which may be full of emotional anger, then so be it.

I'm sorry that it appears to be your consideration for me which is preventing you from making the most of the Forums. I will be okay, whatever you decide to post, I assure you.

You are very kind and considerate. Thank you. But its time you looked after #1 ... YOU.

Mandy

[Birdy77]

Hi LiH

I just thought I'd pop in and see how you are. As Mandy's got her challenging situation at the moment I just thought I'd see if you are alright.

No pressure to give a big reply, but wanted you to know you are cared for as well. I'm glad Croix has been in to sprinkle his calm and wise words to you as well.

Do you grow your own garlic? I planted 250 garlics last year, I think 9 different varieties, some performed better than others. I'm planting some with short shelf life (use them up first) and some that last up to 12 months (use them last), so that i have a full year's supply of fresh garlic and enough to replant the following autumn.

I hope you are ok and that you give your doggy a pat from me, I miss my little furry friend every single day.

Take care LiH 😊

🌻birdy