My daughter, my health

[Craig123]

My daughter's Asperger's broke an already shaky marriage apart 3 years ago and every time I feel better and start to heal, I'm drawn back in to a drama, the effects of which on me are low mood and social avoidance behaviour.

There is inter-generational behaviour patterns at play where mother and daughter escalate against one-another, culminating in the mother using her superior experience to win battles through the ultimate lever of calling the police. This traumatises my autistic daughter leaving her isolated and increasingly reliant upon the very person who isolated her. This maps to the behaviour pattern of abusive people of isolating their victims. Her mother is "police smart", and can get anyone arrested for things they didn't do, but not "court smart" or "hospital system smart", as their onus of proof goes past allegations, to needing to prove them.

This message might not comply with this site's policy, but this meat to the bone provides perspective. If it does, I'd be grateful for suggestions on how to deal with myriad of events. The mother and now adult child live in Country NSW, while I live in Sydney.

I want to remain engaged in my daughter's life, but the impact on my own mental health is significant. I have no line of communication with my daughter's mother (since she was found to be an unreliable witness in court for an assault charge against that never occurred, and which was subsequently dismissed), and my Asperger's daughter is a compulsive liar.

As a person who was abandoned emotionally by caregivers in my youth, I am mindful of the risk of abandonment and the damaging impact of that in adulthood, and so removing myself from this challenging situation, while personally accretive, would degrade an isolated and vulnerable young adult.

[Croix]

Dear Craig123~

This sounds a pretty horrible situation for you to be in and I'm wondering if the stress is more that you can actually cope with, at least at the moment. I also would like to ask what you would see as an ideal situation given that your ex is so abusive and your daughter unable to tell the truth. Do you think, for example, that you should have amicable visiting rights, or perhaps that you need custody of your daughter?

It takes a fair degree of self knowledge to know one's limits and act accordingly, particularly if one is motivated by a desire to help those one loves. Having had a very difficult upbringing I'd imagine you yourself are susceptible to pretty strong reactions when faced by confronting ugly family type situations.

Do you mind if I ask are you under any form of treatment? Social avoidance behavior and low moods sounds as if it is a state that needs professional care.

I guess the obvious things to say are firstly you need to be in the best mental place possible and have developed the internal strength needed for confrontations. And secondly that trying to do this alone seems very hard. Are there other people in your life to support you now?

Please come back and say more

Croix

[Craig123]

Hello Croix

Thank you for reaching out. I am in therapy and I do find it helpful. I've slipped back into depression recently, but am seeking to occupy myself with activities to break that cycle.

I was susceptible to over-reactions when confronted with stressors, but recently had therapy that assisted with nervous system regulation, somatic experiencing. I still occasionally over react, but less so. I tend to go to a higher authority to settle grievances, or avoid.

My autistic daughter just turned 18, so visitation is not an issue. She is very hard work and I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to care for her again. It would end up degrading the family unit I have with my 15yo daughter and I. We all lived together for 6 months about 2 years ago and that was very difficult. It was exacerbated by daughters having their pet dog used as a weapon of punishment, when they came to live with me, and their dog was withheld from them as a punishment by their mother. Before she left Sydney, both girls would attend the former matrimonial home and play with their dog under the crack of the front door, with mother inside but refusing to allow them in. The mother eventually allowed my 18yo to move back in with her, but my daughter is really living with her dog. Children with Asperger's have an affinity with animals. Obstructing access to the same is horrible abuse.

I am not sure what the ideal situation would be. Perhaps idependant living, but the dog is the sticking point. I've long tried to get the mother into therapy, but she has an overly developed sense of self coupled with a splash of predence. Only a person with an opportunity for growth or in need of help requires therapy, right?

She actually needs nervous system regulation herself. If and when that happens she might see the cracks that others see. Caregiver mental health is vital. This is a very resistant strain though. I do admire her ability to withstand any culpability. It was a notable performance over a prolonged period of time.

Thank you for listening and focussing my attention to solutions. Noticed and appreciated.

Kind regards

Craig