Personality Disorder Pathological

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.

This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.

You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.

I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.

I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.

She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.

I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.

I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.

Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.

Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.

[Guest8901]

Dear LiH, thanks for the update.

Firstly, I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless again. Having someone care for you when its not something you're used to, can be hard to take. I readily admit that, and understand because I have felt that way too at times.

But you're incorrect about having nothing to give. Honestly LiH you have already given a lot right here. You have given of yourself to me certainly, both here and on my own thread. I dont think you realise just how much that means to me. You have such a lot to give, but it seems you do not have the confidence or self esteem to realise the good that you're doing.

Its not even just the people who respond here on your thread. There are a great number of people who read the forums but never actually post. We dont know how many others you have helped, and given hope to, by discussing this rarely talked about personality disorder. It has taken great courage by you.

In that article you directed me to about NPD, I quote the following: "Some can struggle with severe internal suffering including harsh self-­criticism, self-­doubt, fear, shame, insecurity, and rage". I guess this is where you fit into the NPD model. I do not know about the rage side of it, but I believe you exhibit all the other tendencies listed there.

What I'm getting at here is that you are being way too harsh on yourself, you are allowing the symptoms of your disorder dictate to you.

Dont be sorry, fight back and question these negative (and very wrong) thoughts you have about yourself. Please do not isolate yourself LiH. Stay and talk to us. Please? Sending you a heartfelt encouraging hug.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I am that bad person all the wariness and distance people had in this site is well warranted - I shouldn't have started it here I am sorry.

[Guest8901]

No LiH, you did the right thing by starting this thread. As I explained above, many people read these forums but dont actually post. In fact that is, I believe, actually a majority in the scheme of things - ie readers as opposed to contributors.

People are not rejecting you by not coming here and talking to you. Many people probably do not come on here because they are unable to offer any specific advice. Simple as that.

I do not believe its because they are wary of you. All you have ever displayed here is a deep inner personal suffering, but also a great warmth. You are certainly NOT the bad person you keep trying to convince everyone here that you are. You are clearly a good person, but one who is unable to accept that fact.

Please dont quit now, not when things are starting to look up for you. Things will get better LiH, I promise you.

Mandy

[Birdy77]

Hi LiH,

I don't believe there was wariness from people here.

It takes time sometimes for people to find threads, & as Mandy said, there are heaps of people who just read these forums and not post ... people on the forums can get over-committed with threads and we all have our mental health issues to battle as well.

My own feelings of inadequacy stopped me from replying to you at first. I didn't feel i had anything to offer you. It was nothing about you. That was the head space i was in at the time.

Please relax LiH.

We are here to support you.

It will be ok.

We care about you.

🌻birdy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Unlike many of you who are so civil and caring, I am disturbed at the developmental level and I don't think you could relate to that.

[Birdy77]

It's ok LiH.

See how you feel later on.

Or tomorrow.

Go gently with yourself.

Pats and hugs for your doggy.

🌻birdy

[Guest8901]

LiH, you may be surprised just what we could relate to. Why dont you try us? We only want to help. Nobody likes to see a fellow human being suffering as you obviously are.

But as Birdy says, if you'd rather wait and see how you feel tomorrow, then thats okay too. I do not want you to feel obliged to maintain dialogue if you do not wish to.

I do care Loner, we care. We want to be able to offer you some comfort and support, if we can. If you cannot accept it from us now, then please take good care of yourself and please get back to us when you can. I would be very sad, and a dismal failure, if you were to just drop out of my life now.

Hug to you and a gentle pat to your canine friend.

Mandy

[Ggrand]

Hi everyone..just tagging..

Grandy

[Guest8901]

Thanks for coming on board Karen (Ggrand). It may help to convince our friend here, Loner in Hiding, that she isn't some sort of monster, and nor do we see her as one.

LiH, its okay, we see you for the lovely person you are, not as the person you think you are or what you perceive others to think you are. You are a warm, kind, intelligent person. Definitely worthy of care, consideration, empathy and support.

Mandy

Mandy

[Croix]

Dear Loner in Hiding~

I hope you don't mind me popping in, I read your last post and that got me to wondering, so I've read your thread. Frankly I can find absolutely nothing in your words to warrant saying you should not have started here, or that people are wary or keep a distance. I'm afraid it is one of those cases where one's perception of oneself is way off - I know the feeling.

I'm not a doctor and see your impressive set of references which label you. I'm not sure quite how significant they are. Illnesses can be a broad spectrum, and the 'fit' is not always exact. Feeling dismay at what a particular label implies can be very misplaced.

Reading your words you interact here, appreciate both the kindness of others and the problems they face and show concern and care in return. Your personality is such that you engender feelings of concern in others.

So as far as I can see you are rightly here - to gain comfort and if possible help, and you fit in well.

As someone with the labels PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I very often find my view of myself and others is distorted. Its an insidious process that can fool me completely at the time, seeing indifference, suspicion or hostility where there is none, and failure and shortcomings in myself that do not really exist.

It can be very hard to sort it out at times. I"m more fortunate than you in having a partner who provides me with the perspective I need.

I'm sorry about your little dog. Like you we get our pets from the pound, which recuses an animal and provides us with the love and antics that transform a house into a home. Perhaps you might rescue another in time.

Please listen to Mandy, Karen and Birdy, they are not driven off, quite the opposite.

Croix