Personality Disorder Pathological

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.

This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.

You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.

I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.

I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.

She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.

I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.

I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.

Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.

Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Hugs Back to you Mandy,

I am of Oriental origin although I hate my people/culture with passion- I project everything I hate about myself onto them(again, my own deduction). I even have to switch radio/TV off whenever the topic comes up.

I wasn't aware of Easter Week break thing however could imagine how busy you could get caring somebody. But I also worried you might be having your bout of darkness which I over looked being so en-glossed in my own misery.

Wishing you Happy Easter - please try treating yourself well. You are very special.

LiH.

[Birdy77]

Hello LiH and Mandy 😊

I have been reading along and enjoying your conversation. Sorry i haven't written but I've not been feeling the best this week.

Is it ok if i join in?

I know Mandy from her thread 😊

Loner you sound like a very interesting person. I'm very pleased you had great fortune today.

I liked hearing about your experience with Drag Queens; also gardening interests me, i buy lots of my plants and seeds online ... I'm excited to be growing the food that i eat.

I find the convo here very interesting and you're both great people 😊

🌻birdy

[Guest8901]

Dear Loner,

Please do not feel obliged to visit my thread. Actually I havent even posted there for a few days. I needed to escape my own thoughts for a while. But I do have some lovely people there who support me since I joined back at the end of December. Of course you would be very welcome to read and post to my thread of you would like to. If you type in the Search area "Am I Opening up a Pandora's Box", it should come up for you.

Alternatively you can look under the section of "Long Term Support" and look for the title name or else Mandy8. Although I warn you that my thread is quite long now, so lots of reading. And lots of ups and downs, some of which is not pleasant reading. If you choose not to go there, thats quite okay.

Some basics about me that I havent already divulged - I am 5 years younger than you, 48. Been married for 20 years. No children as hubby did not want any. I enjoy sport of all types, including tennis. But also reading, gardening, and yes ... politics too. I have always worked in the admin, accounting and management fields for work. Last year I had to cut back to part time, and that was in administration. Last month I was forced to quit work all together. I've suffered from PTSD symptoms from before I married, although only sought help with it this year as it seemed to become so much worse.

I was officially diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I have the classic PTSD symptoms plus some additional ones related to the 'complex' side of things. So lots of anxiety and also OCD, and also bouts of often severe depression. I essentially gave up having friends not long after I married.

I expect, like many, you would have been happy when the same sex marriage vote was successful last year? It was a wonderful day for fairness, equality and common sense. I'm not gay myself, but I have had good friends in the past who were. I have travelled to Asia a number of times and have great admiration for the 'drag queens' there and the lady boys, they are amazing and soo talented.

I'm really sorry to hear of your aversion to your heritage. I will therefore not speak of it any further, as it obviously upsets you. And I certainly have no desire to do that.

Yes its true I have my days of darkness and distress. But mostly I cope. I have people here who support me on my thread, of which the delightful Birdy77 is one. Hi Birdy its lovely to see you here. Loner you will be well supported by Birdy, there are none better.

Gotta go.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Hi Birdy a big welcome from me Hugs.

Such a pleasure to know your interest in the conversation.

Please feel free to comment on anything that have gone on this thread, and much more.

Lovely to share gardening/plant propagation interest.

Happy Easter to you as well!

LiH.

[Guest8901]

Hey Loner, they say good fortunate comes in three's. You now have a new supporter, in Birdy. And didnt I tell you that others would come on board to support you in time? It just takes a while for people to get to know you. Now that you have started to open up a little more about yourself, others will find that they are able to relate to you. Many will have a lot in common with you. I hope others will also come to visit you here.

This is a very supportive, caring and non-judgemental community Loner and you deserve support every bit as much as anybody else here. People can see that. People can see that you are in fact a beautiful person, who is suffering alone with little or no support. I really hope that, with the help of a competent clinical psychologist and the understanding, care and support of members here, you are able to turn your life around. I know its been so hard for you, but things can definitely get better. I'm feeling very encouraged for you.

I'm glad you like hugs. I do too. Even the thought of a cyber hug from someone who cares, warms the heart.

Good night to you.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

This would not have happened without you engaging with me for so long.

You have been nothing but generous coming out in support of a stranger who claims to have an alarming personality disorder and this while yourself dealing with such a darkness facing the mortifying reality of losing your loved one along with all that shaped your life.

Do you realize how courageous you are?

I have started going through your thread still up to 2nd page yet.

I have yet to discover what is the implied trauma that has been bottled inside you. I just wish you working on it with your psychologist for now.

[Guest8901]

Dear Loner,

I read your post to me last night around midnight. It gave me a huge lift in spirits, so thank you so very much. You are very generous in your praise of me, even though I dont feel its deserved.

All the hard work was done by you. I engaged with you, yes. Your initial posts were quite distressing, the way you put yourself down so much. You are not the person you made yourself out to be at all. You are actually a very warm, extremely intelligent, very interesting and truly lovely lady. All this could be seen even early on, and I'm glad I could see that in you from the start.

I'm really glad that you persevered with the Beyondblue website, learned how it operated, and have now gained some much deserved support.

In answer to your question, no I do not see myself as courageous. I see myself as being weak, indecisive, dependant. But like you, perhaps my perception of myself is a little warped.

I thank you for caring enough to find and read my thread. I would value any input or advice from you there once you have completed the ongoing saga. Yes I am now seeing a very good clinical psychologist who is helping me through a number of issues. I've been seeing her weekly since an incident last month which resulted in a short hospital stay.

But this thread is about you. When do you see your psych again?

By the way Loner, remember that you are very welcome to contribute to any other threads around the Forums that interest you. Members will appreciate your input. And there are also a number of Social Zone 'fun and games' threads which you may be interested in posting to. So when you have the time, have a browse there.

I hope to have some time today to read some more of that PDF you referred me to. I will get back to you with my thoughts on it then. I hope you have a nice day today Loner.

Mandy

[Birdy77]

Hello LiH 😊

You are absolutely right, Mandy is a very courageous and generous person. She is strong and resilient and caring. And so are you. You have kept on, despite much adversity, and you've reached out with courage.

I don't think you have an alarming disorder. I was very interested to hear that there is sort of like a flipside to the typical traits of NPD. I was in a relationship once with someone whom i think might have had NPD, but her traits were more like how Mandy has described her husband, not like your characteristics. So it's been educational reading along with your conversation.

I was interested to read of your time with the gay boys of Sydney. I have enjoyed many amazing drag shows at the Imperial Hotel at Erskineville over the years. Fun times! Good for you, being involved with social justice issues including gay rights. Australia is so behind the times, can't believe the Same Sex Marriage fiasco last year, but thank goodness it's law now. I admire you for taking a stand and helping to make life fairer for others. Thanks for everything you've done, you've helped make things better through your advocacy and hard work. I am personally grateful as it affects me and my partner directly 🤗

Oh LiH i love buying plants online! I get so excited when that box saying "Live Plants" arrives on the front doorstep! What sort of garden do you have going there? I am eagerly awaiting an order, was hoping it would arrive before the Easter weekend so i could spend my days planting, but no 😭 it wasn't to be. I have a vege patch going and am slowly developing my ornamental garden too. I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from growing & harvesting my veggies.

I laughed at your description of how excited you get at budget time! I found your description very endearing. I have a lovely friend who is the same. Buys chips and snacks and sets himself up in front of the tele on budget night like it's Grand Final night or something (my enthusiasm for both budget night and grand final night is zero).

I think it's lovely that you have your little doggy to keep you company. I understand your worry about health, my doggy had a very rare condition for which i had to constantly medicate him and monitor him. He passed away over a year ago and my heart still aches for him. They are beautiful souls, these precious animals we have the privilege to care for. They care for us just as much.

🌻birdy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Sorry Mandy and Birdy,

I started typing 'up-beat' earlier today but realized myself started putting on 'a facade'.

I have no experience of being nurtured and have got nothing to give. I derailed too early and never functional enough to sustain anything in my life. It's plain obvious I'm hopeless at this advanced age and that is the truth.

Sorry folks.

[Birdy77]

Dear LiH,

You are not hopeless.

You don't need a facade here.

If you're down-beat and not okay, that's totally okay.

Please don't feel pressured in any way.

We are here for you when you are ready.

A word or two from you is enough.

You haven't derailed. Just resting at the station.

🌻birdy