Personality Disorder Pathological

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.

This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.

You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.

I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.

I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.

She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.

I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.

I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.

Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.

Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.

[Guest8901]

Hi Loner,

Yep, I got it that time. Thanks for the tip. I have saved the pdf and will work my way through it when I have a spare hour or two. I will attempt to make further comment on it once I've tried to digest it all. (:

My husband is diagnosed with a terminal illness, with no cure. He is being treated in order to prolong life in as comfortable a fashion as possible for as long as possible. Though at the moment he is unsure if the quality of life he now has, is worth prolonging. Though he does still have some good days, but unfortunately the bad days are now outnumbering the good. We dont really know how long he has, either with treatment or without. How long is a piece of string? But we attend specialist medical appointments once or twice a week, so its pretty full on. He is mentally quite unstable as well, and can become quite angry and violent at times. Understandable given his recent change in circumstances. From a man fully in control and in charge, to someone who is beginning to become dependant on others. As you can imagine, this is difficult for him, and he can lash out as a result. So it isnt easy.

Loner, I was just thinking - I do not know if you are male or female. I just had a read through your posts to date, and there does not seem to be any clues. Now its not a problem if you choose not to disclose this information, as it really makes no difference to the issue we discuss here. But I guess I'm interested so that I am able to steer future discussions in a more appropriate manner. Up to you.

I'm glad you're still able to get out for walks with your little 'bitza' bred dog. Its often the mixed breeds who make the best pets. I'm glad you got her from a pound, and gave her a new life. My little girl I also got from a pound when she was around 1yo. A very frightened fearful little girl who had been mistreated. She is not an absolute delight to all who have the privilege of knowing her. Charli has been vet checked and I have her checked and vaccinated each year. No issues have come up to date. She will turn 10 this year. I just hope she is typical of many smaller terrier breeds and lives healthily and happily until 15yo or thereabouts.

I'm glad you have your little dog, they make a positive difference to our lives. You sound like you're a little more positive this morning Loner? I hope thats the case. Enjoy your morning walk with your dog.

Just about out of characters, so will finish up for now.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Mandy, as ferocious your husband may become at time I do not believe he'd be able to exist without your support, especially psychological one you provide. I think he must know that deep inside.

Your existence as his significant other, without it I imagine his psyche would totally fragment.

I really hope there is a way he could come to some peace within himself however short the time remains. It is just too awful to go in agonizing self hatred.

I also wish you to be supported socially, by families and friends as well as all the means available for carers. However I wonder it may provoke your husband of jealousy - this, his insecurities you really need tools to deal with. I hope you are well supported by a counselor/psychologist and psychiatrist. So much on your plate to cope as it is.

I am a female by the way Mandy, the ambiguity you had is interesting.

It is from my hope to give you clearer pictures regarding the state I am in as well as other NPD sufferers in providing scholarly papers. My English is not sufficient to make nuanced nor accurate expressions. My own history comprised of series of failures, and after each one of them I find myself lower socioeconomically and dwindling support networks. I only ever had mental health sectors as such support mechanism since my youth to fall back on and now I do not even have that - I am in desperation.

I am sorry I feel skirting around some issues not sure what- I had another postponement from my GP who only come to a near by clinic on certain days from an Melbourne. This has been going on for more than 2weeks and now I have to wait till Friday next week. Because I live in my little world of minimum outside stimulation, I have very little on stress tolerance and I lost it totally today finding myself screaming on the phone (not unlike how your husband may get?). Typing to you is serving as distress tolerance right now.

I need referrals to Spectrum, a psychiatrist and interim psychologist urgently if not a mental health care plan thus resolved to see another GP this 2pm in the same practice. I am very doubtful if this guy would give me what I need. These GPs only travel to regional area because of obligations and terribly inexperienced with strong aversion to carry out anything outside of their routine.

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Yes animal companionship is great to a point. In my case, I invested myself only to my dog for survival (only just) shutting out from outer world, even developing love/hate dependency with my dog. She has had very alarming behavioral issues toward anything she fear and children one of them - it makes you feel like a public enemy. I have consulted specialists as well as training sessions in the past. Now only thing I could is to shield from what makes her fearful- anxieties exacerbate her heart condition.

Anyhow, I will get back after the appointment,

Thank you Mandy, for being here.

[Guest8901]

Thanks for the additional information Loner, I appreciate it. Well, you really are unique aren't you? Not only are you one of a small percentage of people with NPD who acknowledge and recognise it and but you are also in the minority when it comes to females having the disorder. And on top of all that you are also actively attempting to get appropriate treatment for it. You are definitely worthy of great respect and admiration Loner.

Good on you for being pro active in trying to get an appointment with another GP. I hope it goes better than you expect. Yes its true that a lot of young GPs need to go to regional and rural areas for a short time in order to advance. But amongst those young crop of advancing GPs, there are some who are really quite outstanding. As you know we too are in a rural area, and we are pretty lucky here with our GPs. Its unfortunate however that they rarely stay longer than a year.

I look forward to hearing more from you after your appointment. At the very least I hope you come out with a Mental Health Care Plan. I'm surprised you did not already have that in place. But better late than never.

Talk later when you know more. Its my pleasure chatting to you Loner.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

No luck, I stormed out his smelly consultation room (middle aged ethnic background, it was the same with a young Chinese girl doctor before). It was terrible. These guys I have had always so defensive and unwilling.

Ended up booking a clinical psychologist next town where I used to live. It's a community health service and the last clinical psychologist in the area I have contacted. I have to pay full fee this time around without a referral.

[Guest8901]

Hi Loner.

I'm really disappointed for you. So sorry it turned out to be a terrible experience for you and that you were unable to achieve what you went there for.

Good on you though for booking with a nearby clinical psychologist. You just have to keep trying I guess, eventually you'll get lucky and find someone who is both willing and capable of treating you. I'm sorry it means you will need to pay full cost up front. That hurts. Thankfully I'm on a Mental Health Care Plan, although I do still have a pay a top up amount.

Thank you for your kind words in your earlier post Loner. Yes you're right, I do not have any friends. When I worked up until earlier this year, I at least had work mates when I was at work. But now that I'm no longer working, I dont even have that any more. My family all live about 12 hours drive from where we live, so I am quite socially isolated. Friendships were always too hard to maintain with hubby being as he is. He has a number of good friends though. Unfortunately many are interstate, but he gets regular phonecalls from them. His local friends call around pretty regularly though, so he's pretty lucky in that regard.

Your English is extremely good Loner, so I dont know why you are concerned about your lack of english ability. Although I guess with a foreign language it is often easier in the written form, than it is in the spoken form. Do you find that to be the case? We Aussies do tend to speak very quickly as well, which can be a little difficult for even other Aussies to follow sometimes.

I also see a clinical psychologist. Only started earlier this year, but I consider myself very lucky because she is well respected and I have found her to be very good. Of course I have to go to another town as well. My local village do not have any medical facilities at all. We just have a post office, a small general store which doubles as a newsagent, a butchery, a grog shop and a hairdresser. So its only a small place. But luckily I only need to travel an hour to get to a larger centre where there are good medical services.

Okay so I am preparing dinner right now, and will address the rest of your post next time. Do you like to watch TV Loner? Any favourite programs?

Talk later.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Hi Mandy just quickly, I have managed to get a personal hedlp today towards seeing a clinical psychologists-details later.

Just wondering if you'd agree with me after reading that 'NPD Basic' - Once "NPD' becomes no longer a dirty word, you may notice more people may be suffering from this pathology.

My hunch is that some of long term depressives who had no success in turning around their lives may well have this 'trauma' deep inside, unchecked, thus no psychological improvement. Especially, the ones haven't been able to bounce back from career failure etc. the ones struggling with emptiness festering in their minds' very core.

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Finally a great news I can report back to you Mandy.

I am back from the psychologist appointment and he appeared confident enough to work on my issues. Also this being 'community health care service', he is referring me to good GP he works with.

The biggest uplift today came from my only acquaintance in the area. Not quite a friend as we don't socialise as such. She was a retired office manager of my first psychologist clinic ever down here. She offered me to weigh in on my plight and got me a GP appointment to set up a mental health care plan all in the same morning, just before my psyche appointment! She assisted me throughout both GP's and the psyche sessions as my advocate and it was so helpful. It's so good to have somebody of good standing to negotiate with hard faced receptionists who would otherwise refused my brand new health care plan that has yet to complete the approval process.

I didn't have to pay, yay!

It's like a miracle happened today for me and can't get over my luck.

So there have been two people in my life who are personally supportive that's you Mandy and this lady.

Thank you!!!

[Guest8901]

Oh wow Loner, I am so so happy for you. Things moved along very quickly, especially for a Thursday before the easter break. Well done to you. I'm actually over the moon!

Now that my excitement has subsided, I will continue on with what I was going to say before I read your wonderful and very welcome news.

Firstly so sorry I havent been on earlier. Had a very busy day with my husbands medical appointments, as well as one of my own. Plus, I needed to do a grocery shop for the weekend. Not a lot just some basics like milk, bread, fresh veges and fruit. Dear me the shops were so busy, everything seems to take so long in town today. Glad I dont have to go anywhere near town again until mid next week.

I'm so sorry Loner that I have not yet finished reading all that PDF article you gave me. But what you said this morning may well be correct. I will let you know my thoughts more after reading the full article.

Again I am so thoroughly thrilled for you Loner about your good fortune today in being able to firstly get a GP apt, followed by a MHCP, plus the clinical psychologist apt all in one day. Honestly I am jumping for joy for you. Doing a happy jig.

You deserve good fortune Loner, no question. And it seems like some is finally coming your way. I would be very happy to continue to offer you whatever support I'm capable of here Loner. But it is a major relief that you are now also to receive professional support as well. You've travelled such a lonely and disappointingly unsupported road in the past. Things are now definitely looking up for you.

Do you celebrate Easter? I do not know what nationality you are, but given you are concerned about your lack of English, you must be something other than Australian born. If you are a Christian, then I send you wishes for a very happy easter. If you follow another faith, then I wish you appropriate greetings as befitting your specific faith.

I am not going anywhere for the long weekend, so expect to be around if you wish to chat again. I dont know if you are a person who is comfortable with a hug? If you are, I'd like to give you a big celebratory hug. Kind wishes to you.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been wanting to know more about you and wondering if you can direct me to your own thread.

I'd like to be supportive of you like you have of me and it's boring to only talk about myself.

My casual interests - never sporting type unfortunately although had a passing interest watching Grand Slam tennis especially male games ( sport sexist? sorry) in the past but now any more. I always wished i was all encompassing strong/capable male because i was brought up to be such an oppressed female.

My entertainment these days are politics - it's like a spectator sport to me, I get strangely excited at elections. The budget week is the yearly highlight to me, getting thrilled to watch opposition leaders speak (not Coalitions sadly). I am cross that ABC does not televise Greens' Budget in Reply however.

Another one is watching Drag Queens- again, wished I was one. Their sisterhood is so special makes me jealous. I used to hang around with gay guys in Sydney getting girly/campy together. It's been so long, 10 years now but was helping gay activism then.

The lastly just growing/gardening ornamental plants/flowers as I am fortunate enough to have yard space in country side. I had been regularly buying seeds of plants online, as many desirable plants are unavailable in local nurseries. I also buy plants online. And belatedly started growing fruiting plants last year.

These my gardening interest was the last one I had been able to manage until this last few months, as my depression worsened.

It is eye opening to myself how the miracle today affected so positively enabling me to type these better things.

Wondering about you today if you are doing okay today because I haven't heard back from you.

I have been hoping you to have something special going just for yourself apart from your husband - wishing you to cultivate that in your life if you do not currently have one.

You really deserve that.

LiH.