Personality Disorder Pathological

[Loner_in_Hiding]

I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.

This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.

You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.

I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.

I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.

She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.

I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.

I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.

Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.

Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Mandy, can't help welling tears in my eyes you touch me so with your generosity and kindness- Sympathize also about your OCD -such an all consuming, highly debilitating thing that is.

[Guest8901]

Aww, thanks for telling me that. It actually means a lot, especially today.

Sorry for being the cause of the tears welling in your eyes, but hopefully they are relieving or happy tears? I know I get like that. Happiness is far more likely to bring tears to my eyes, than sadness. A bit silly? Perhaps.

Yes the OCD is a nasty piece of work. For me it fluctuates in its intensity, usually along with the PTSD 'episodes'. But the compulsions and obsessions are there every day to some extent. Do you get the particularly bad intrusive and distressing thoughts with it too? I get that when it gets bad, but thankfully not all the time.

I know you feel that it isnt treating the core issue of NPD, but have you found counselling to be of any benefit to you with regards to your OCD and general anxiety? Have you had any formal therapies for them?

I will keep checking back with you Loner, but I need to go now and get some dinner happening. Since I gather you are on your own, together with your canine friend, are you a decent cook? You mentioned that you have an eating disorder as well as body dysmorphia. I hope you are able to eat something adequately nutritious as much as possible.

Another thing we have in common is that I also live in a regional or rural area. I live out of town, but not too far from a small village. Did you like city living? I note you were in Sydney, so it meant quite a big change to move to a small regional area.

Do you have any hobbies or interests to help full your days? I love sport, almost all sports really. I used to play a lot of them too, but am a bit past it now unfortunately. Do you follow cricket, footy, soccer? Commonwealth Games are coming up soon, perhaps you enjoy watching some of the sports there? I have recently started doing some sketching, which I find very engrossing. I'm not very good at it, but I do enjoy it. It allows some time to myself and takes me away from my thoughts for a time.

Okay must go, but please talk any time you feel like it. I will get back to you as and when I can. I'm sure others will also jump on board to offer their support as well.

Mandy

[Guest8901]

Hi Loner,

You've not been around all day today. Just checking in with you to see how you're doing. No pressure at all to reply, just interested to know you're okay.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Hi Mandy it seems it's only you who has in touch with me ( I hope this doesn't make you feel burdened). This I am not just talking about this virtual world but also with outer reality. That, I am grateful that I still have someone to chat. You are so infinitely caring to check in on me. I needed it, your warmth, especially today.

I am finding it extremely difficult to get the right help. I live in a regional Victoria (Latrobe Valley). As my hiding in shame tendency got worse and worse, it also become very difficult to get my way around out side this area.

I nave had a several specialist medical appointments in the last three months which made me to venture out via public transport for the first time since my relocation to the area 5 years ago - and this is so hard- being in populated area- I feel so weak and inadequate and more shame on top of anxieties associated planning catching the train on time to minute detail.

I have a chronic dermatitis and supposed to take up UV therapy 3 times a week at the location further towards West ( more populated further it gets towards Melbourne) about 4 stops away via rail and I have not been able to commence this.

Today was a day I resolved to start this, then I received another phone call from a psychologist turning down taking me and threw me into the darker place can not possibly go out catching a train today.

The psychologist mentioned above says there is only one place that could possibly offer me the help I need, Spectrum, that's the name of the organization.

This place located in dead centre of Richmond Melbourne and a satellite clinic at a fringe of Melbourne.

I have had the local community mental health triage support in touch with me in the past month or so but now they terminated my case because there is no therapist/psychologist for me in this 'catchment area' -none trained/experienced enough for the complex issues I have.

I dread that unless I travel to the capital, there would be no help around if there ever was a help - how am I going to manage that?

I am totally and absolutely on my own now to seek psych help and that fact is there is only myself who have authority to begin getting on for change. There is nobody even to know I ever existed thus I am the last and only person to look after my well-being.

It's looking bleaker by the day Mandy, I am wounded totally and slipping even further.

[Guest8901]

Dear Loner. Thanks for getting back again, I was actually relieved to hear from you again. I thought I may have frightened you off? (: I'm very happy to continue to chat with you. Sorry it took me a while to get back to you today however. I needed to go into town earlier and this afternoon we have had a series of power blackouts. Urgh. No computer, no phone .. thanks to the good old NBN. So its been a disrupted day for me.

No I dont feel burdened by the fact that its currently just you and I talking here. I have every confidence that as people read your posts and get to know you a little better, there will be others who come on board to offer their support as well. Sometimes it takes a while. You sound like a genuinely nice fellow Loner, and I'm so dreadfully sorry that life has been such a struggle for you. Life is so unfair at times.

I recall reading on some other thread that you must have posted to early on, that you are 53yo. Is that right or am I mistaken about that? Actually its unusual for someone to be completely without any family or friends. Is it that you have isolated yourself from everyone by choice? Or, given you said English is not your first language, do you just not have any family here in Australia?

Loner, do not feel obliged to answer anything that you are not comfortable in answering. I understand that living in a regional area, privacy and the need to maintain anonymity is important. It is for me too because I live in a rural area. Be reassured however that these forums are moderated to ensure anonymity and safety for all members. So within reason, I hope you feel free to speak openly.

Oh dear, I'm sorry that on the day you resolved to make an effort to resolve your dermatitis issue, that you received the bad news about another psychologist turning you down. That must be so disheartening for you.

I really have no solutions for you Loner, as sad as that makes me feel. I so wish there was something I could say or do. I know it may sound pathetic, but please bear in mind that although today has been a terrible day for you, it wont always be this bad.

I wonder would you benefit by talking to a telephone help line when you feel this bad? Have you used them before at all? You can phone Lifeline on 131114, or else the Beyondblue help line on 1300 22 4636. Sometimes it helps to talk to a real life person. Please tell me you will seek help if things get worse for you. I'm worried about you.

Mandy

[Guest8901]

Morning Loner,

I hope today does not seem quite as bleak as yesterday felt to you. I'm so sorry that you have now lost your only remaining support in the local community mental health triage. It doesnt sound right that they will no longer support you because they do not have the right therapist within your area. Surely that means you need them all the more? I would really like for you to call the Beyondblue help line on 1300 22 4636. They would be able to recommend organisations or professionals in your area who could help you. Yes I realise you have a very specialised and complex array of issues. And if it means having to go to the city in order to see Spectrum, then I hope you are able to aim to do that. Thats where I would have thought your local MH triage support would have been able to assist you. Very dissappointing that they cant.

We need to find some support and treatment for you. You should not have to do all this on your own, and it makes me angry that you are. Anyway, Beyondblue may have some ideas, would you please call them? The number is a 24 hour one. (:

I just want to point out before I go, that there is no reason for you to feel shame about your disorder. You did not choose this. You are not causing anybody (other than yourself) any grief or pain. Please stop blaming yourself.

The Latrobe Valley is a beautiful part of the world. I live in northern NSW, about an hour inland from the ocean. I hope you find something today to brighten your world just a little. Please do not give up hope Loner.

I may not have much access to the computer today, but I will check back in later in the day.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Mandy I am very grateful of your continuing support of me- Thank you but can't thank you enough.

I have been trying to gather some energy to answer your queries regarding how I came to be here at my age - no I am not offended at all that you ask just needing more energy to do. I am intending to explain.

Mean while, if you are curious about my state, my kind of NPD manifestation, please check this document called 'NPD Basic A brief overview of identifying, diagnosing and treating Narcissistic Personality Disorder'. You can access it online and it's in pdf form

It's a 20 page document very concisely expressed, just skip treatment sections if it gets too much although you may find it relevant regarding your husband.

I am full on insecure self-criticising type since very young age although at some stages in my earlier life tried 'grandiosity' or 'perfectionism' as coping mechanism but never stuck with me. My self-loathing was too great for that.

I liked your way of making light of a bad situation re: internet outage by the way- way to go girl!

[Loner_in_Hiding]

PS. I had a stint in Lismore about a year or so before I moved down here. The subtropic climate didn't agree with me unfortunately but I miss some people I met there.

[Guest8901]

Dear Loner. No need to thank me, I enjoy talking with you.

I just typed in that detail you provided, but it didnt bring up what I think you referred to. I will try again using another search engine. I am interested in reading it, as it will help me to understand you a little better. And I do want to. I expect it will also be useful in my own experiences in dealing with my husband. By the way, since mid last year he is very ill. In fact suffering from an incurable disease, so I am nursing him most of the time. Recently I had to give up part time work because I wasnt coping well with both hubbys illness and my own MH issues combined.

I'm sorry your short stint in Lismore did not work out. It sounds like you met some nice people there. We could have almost been neighbours. Is it the humidity that you did not like? I must say that the Latrobe Valley would suit my own preferences much better than Northern NSW as well. I find heat and humidity very draining. We moved up here from southern NSW a number of years back. Hubby likes hot humid weather, so he is right in his element.

What breed is your dog? I realise she has a heart condition now, so I expect that limits the amount of exercise she is able to do. Are you still able to take her for short walks occasionally?

Can I ask whether you gave any further consideration to calling the Beyondblue help line 1300 22 4636? They may be able to point you in the right direction with regards to obtaining some appropriate help and support in your local area. What about online NPD support groups, have you looked into that at all?

How do you fill in your days Loner? Are there things you like to do, places you enjoy going to?

Okay its nearly 11pm and I'd best head off to bed. Please come and post any time you feel like chatting. I'm often around and will reply when I can. Actually today the Forums were down for something like 4 hours through the middle of the day, which was a bit worrying. So between that and a number of power blackouts here over the past 2 days, its been a real pain in the butt.

Right ... good night then. Catch you next time. Remember ... you can post here any time.

Mandy

[Loner_in_Hiding]

Type in "NPD basic pdf' it will come up as 'NPD Basic National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality...', and written by Elsa Ronningstam, Ph.D. McLean Hospital. Harvard Medical School.

Oh no, how unwell is you husband? I hope he is in better place mentally. He is blessed to have you.

My dog's breed has been unknown, but usually place her under 'Maltese Cross' category for convenience. I got her from a dog pound in Windsor NSW. She has an albino streak with a part blue eye making her to have very low tolerance to heat even mild heat. She as Mitral Valve Disease as well as long standing severe anxieties and fear agression- has been on a curtail of meds for all these plus glucosamin. She gets around ok fine so far as long as it's cool however her lesting breathing rate has been increasing (breathing rate important indication) and i'd be lucky if she lives for another year - Have you got your dog checked for heart murmur? It is good to be sure of absence of it, small breed dogs are prone for this congenital disease.

I got to go coz I have to walk her- it's always been exhausting to look after her - we have had unhealthy dependence to each other.

Will talk soon.