Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

Mood swings are unpleasant to experience.

The drastic difference is hard enough and of course these feelings come without any warning.

I know that you have managed to spend your time as you so wish.  Researching and writing are a great interest to have and also serve as a distraction from busy minds that can lead to feeling mood swings as you so described.

I have found myself with all of the zillions of strategies that I come up with, there are moments where it is all too much. I become tired of hearing my own voice reassuring myself that I will get through the moments; they will pass.  Draining and as you say can leave remnants of sadness.

We did not come with a book of instructions, did we. I now try to weather out the times where it all becomes unbearable. Sometimes I ring lifeline. I have to say that I have spoken to some incredible people on there. I have actually asked a couple "where are you in real life?" They laugh. Having those conversations do not present solutions as these are people on the other end of the line ready to listen and support not provide answers.

I find when I speak to someone whom I can tell has listened carefully and respectfully with compassion, that is really what I am seeking.

I do understand not everyone can talk to another openly on the phone who they do not know.

For me it is a break in the pattern of my over- active mind, when I cannnot successfully achieve this on my own.

No I would not suggest or even want you to stop opening up on the forums, amd. That was not my meaning. Apologies if it read that way.,

The forums are here for you for just that.

Yes you are also providing valuable insight for others reading.

Numbers have always fascinated me and I loved studying mathematics 1 and 11 during my school years.

Moreso it is the fact that the whole galaxy and beyond is made up of numbers. 

Our minds and bodies also.

Nature too is numeric.

Fascinating.

You and I writing to each other. Two individuals. 1+1 = 2

Write about whatever you choose. This is your space also.

Ciao 

Ems

Easily mistaken sometimes

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am slowly but surely catching up on my night sleep.   I should record times and dates, but I don't think of it at the time.   It would be interesting to know precisely how much sleep time I actually get per day.   

When I do wake up, I feel as though I am the only person alive on the planet.   Nobody else knows what we all have to go through to be where we are at this moment in time and yet all we have to judge people on is what we see at any given point in time.   Instead of realising that we are all so different from each other, it is easier to assume that we all have the same standards and views on everything.   The last thing we think of is the next person's authenticity.   The last thing we do is grant the next person the sanctity of mind.   Sometimes, I wonder what it is I am doing.   I love my freedom and the solitude, but I then see that I am in this situation because I have been ousted from the mainstream and now, I'm up an insignificant little backwater where no one sees me except the only friend I have on the planet who knows that I am alive.   And then I look at my current lifestyle and try to convince myself that everything will be OK.   We live for ourselves more than anyone else could ever possibly understand.   When you have nothing, you become death itself.   However, the redeeming feature of this rant is that we all have something inside us that represents the will to live beyond what we find on this earth.   That little spark of humanity that raises us up above everything else that conspires to bind us to the ground we walk on.

People worry because they have no one.   They feel lonely and isolated because they have no idea how to fill the void of silence and coming face to face with their own being.   I have been surrounded by people most of my life except this current phase in which I have chosen to cut the ties with as much of the world as I possibly can.  I do this because I am tired of suffering.   I know only too well what some people are like and I am better off on my own where no one is disadvantaged.   

Cia Ems

A Mind Disentangled 1+9+5+3=18   2x9=18 3x5+3=18   9+1+8 = 18   1+0=1   Nothing is subtracted, multiplied, added or divided.   We are all 1 together.

[therising]

Hi amd1953 and Ems

I have to say you both have such a beautiful supportive and inspiring friendship. Very light and soulful. Even in the darkest of times, light and soulful can help cut through the heaviness of life, even if it's just for moments at a time. 

I believe sensitivity would feel far more like a gift if only people gave us great things to sense. I often wonder why people cannot feel what they say at times, when it comes to the kind of stuff that gets you right in the heart. When I consider a friend of mine, she takes great pride in what she refers to as her 'forthrightness'. Her logic is that she's being helpful in being so brutally honest and if other people have a problem with that then that is their fault. While I can see her point I can also acknowledge there is an art to honesty and constructive criticism. It can either be felt as painful or inspirational. Why not deliver it through inspiration? Why choose to make it painful? With the old saying 'Think before you speak', I much prefer 'Feel before you speak'. 

Regarding those who choose not to sense as deeply as us, they may say to us 'You're just too sensitive. I'm nowhere near as sensitive as you'. I smile when I consider how easily they would be able to feel what we may want to say to them at times, yet as sensitive and considerate artists we sculpt our words or paint a picture through them in some form free of harshness.    

[Halecia]

Hey, You seem really well educated, informed and truely gifted at speaking. That’s really cool how you can put how you’re feeling into words like that. I’m trying to live my life but it’s really difficult to smile and have fun. I have depression. 

[amd1953]

Hello Halecia,

Thank you so much for your kind words.   I am sorry to hear that you suffer from depression.   I wish I could do something to help everyone who needs it.   I can only speak from my own experiences, and I feel sometimes that I am just making a lot of noise.   I'm not really that well-educated.   I have my Year 12 certificate and that's about it.

I just love communicating ideas and thoughts in the hope that it might help others in some way or even inspire them to grow within.   Sometimes we just need a little help to grow as a person.   I truly hope that you find the happiness you deserve.

Best wishes

amd1953

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Thank you for your comments and yes, I agree with you that lightening the mood can work wonders to keep us moving in the right direction.   I think a lot of people are reluctant to open up with their own thoughts and problems.   They might think that it shows weakness or an inability to manage their own lives.   That's a shame because we are all human and worthy of respect and compassion from others.   Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that.   Sensitivity and empathy are not always as highly valued as the person who owns them.   There is always someone willing to offer a friendly word of encouragement on BB and that is what I like about this community.   We may not receive the advice we are looking for but just knowing that someone else can share their similar experiences adds value to the thought that we are not alone.   If we do receive good advice, then it is up to us to act upon it and make it happen.   I know that I am too sensitive and a real softy, but I would rather be who I am and not someone who has become hard and cynical.   Life is too short to be anything other than elated to be alive.   I like people to be happy and contented, and it makes me sad to hear of anyone who is doing it tough.   

Best wishes

amd1953