My partner has CPTSD

Lily2_s

I need some advice. I am new to this forum. I am confused what I am supposed to do. My partner has PTSD and last Christmas he wanted to have a break as he was struggling mentally. I wasn’t aware he was struggling and I took it personally. Since then he has been out 3x or 4 x a week overnight or up until midnight. He won’t communicate with me where his location in the beginning. I put up boundaries and he wouldn’t be able to follow through. I filled the gap in my mind I thought he has an affair. He started to lie and so many excuses and at the end I found out he would fell asleep at his mates place due to intoxication. He has been hiding his issues and not completely honest with me. He broke my trust. I wanted to have a family and I am 44 now but if his behaviour is like this I don’t think I can stay. It is against my values to drink excessively. He tried to reduce in the past but last Christmas since his treatment for Ptsd was paused because they have to focus his back issue and also his mental health has deteriorated . I find it hard to understand because my needs aren’t meet. I feel so lonely in a relationship and I would like to start a family before it is too late. I would like to continue supporting him but at the same time I am in a point that my mental health has been affected and I’m not happy in a relationship as he doesn’t communicate for me to understand. I think in the beginning he thought I was being judgemental because he would spend 6-8 hours at the pub. It is very challenging to deal with. Despite, his flaws he is a wonderful person and I do love him but I feel like it is not good for me in a long term . I had seen some red flags in the beginning but I challenged my gut feeling because he had come a long way. Sometimes I think I should move on because in a short period living on the same roof for less than 6 months all stress.

Thank you and I need your valuable thoughts.

Psychdiaries2

Hi there,

A warm welcome to the forums and thanks for your post. It's not easy to open up so I commend you in doing so!

It sounds like you really care for your partner and are trying your best to make things work. That is a testament to your kind character. However, I can also see how this situation has been emotionally taxing on you too and I can only imagine how worrying it must be.

It can be extremely hard when the person we are trying to help doesn't seem to be helping themselves. Being honest with one another is an integral part of a healthy relationship, and since you mentioned he hasn't been honest lately, I agree that there are some red flags there.

Have you tried to sit with him and talk about how you are feeling? I know it will be difficult to do, but I do believe you should look at your own values, what you want out of life (like you mentioned starting a family) and decide if this relationship is worth it. Then, try and have an open convo with him, especially since you said you're not happy in the relationship and struggling with your mental health, it's important to talk things through and see if you will continue the relationship or not.

It's important that you take care of yourself today. Whether it be going for a walk, reading a book, talking to a trusted friend, it doesn't matter if it's small, as long as you also do something for your mental health today.

I'm sure you will get a few other perspectives on here to help you in understanding what the next step is. I hope things go well and that you remember to look after yourself too.

Sending love,

PsychDiaries

Lily2_s

Hi PsyhDiaries,

Yes I have spoken with him my dreams, goals and desires but it seemed he was not ready to talk about it. He said if it does not happened to have a family it does not matter. Now, it seemed he is ready and we are going to try the connected couple group program for 2 days. I will see how things go but I need to make a decision first week of July. I'm not quite sure if this is going to work in a long term. Thank you very much for your reply.

I have been looking after myself, talking to my friends, hiking, going to the gym and walking at the moment while recovering my left knee since the full marathon.

Spice-of-Life

Hi Lily,

i don’t know if this helps but i have CPTSD too.
it’s not an excuse for bad behaviour. That’s a choice to not respect your boundaries or be responsible for his own wellbeing.

when I’m not doing well I tell people I need a break I’m not ok then use my strategies from my psychologist. I also just say what I need so I can function: ie: Todays not a great day so I need to not cook tonight or I’m having me time from 7 -9pm but can hang out after that before bed. Or I may ask if we can reschedule an event but I follow through and do it when I’m doing better.

it is achievable to get help, to take responsibility and treat yourself and others with respect. I hope you choose what is right for you as he is the one responsible for him. I don’t think he wants to make those changes so if you are ok with how it is- stay. Talk with your gp about baby options- maybe do it on your own with a donor.

Lily2_s

Hi Spice-of-life,

Thank you for your great advice.I had a lot of expectations from him but it seemed when we moved in together he was not coping with the responsibilities. He would be out hours at the pub, prioritized his mates than me. I always say to him no excuse for bad behaviour. I obviously offended him that I took things personally as I did not know he was struggling and due to break down of communication I was feeling the gap. He was struggling mentally and hide the drinking because he knows I would not be happy. I noticed now he would come home a bit early, eating healthy and do more cooking. I will see because we are waiting for a confirmation for the group training. I am worried that if I continue he is going to be like this and I will shoulder most of the responsibilities at home. I realized as well when I get triggered from his excessive drinking I would say I don't want to work things out which is not helping with his condition.