Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

I wandered down to my post box where Lo and behold a bluebird had dropped off a letter for Ems

A black sheep had put pen to paper

I too felt like the black sheep of my family and frequently in the company of others

Until I found the answer myself    I find most answers to my own questions myself these days

Black sheep are far more interesting in all aspects

I journeyed back to the UK about 9 years ago to reacquaint myself with relatives and meet some for the very first time

Whilst there I regularly spent time with my uncle who was in his early 90's and loved to talk about long ago

I was thrilled by this as I love conversation of interest and someone who asks me questions

Someone who actually listens attentively with sparkling eyes and wants to learn more and more about me

A wonderful time that I will treasure forever

On the huge farm wonderful memories of childhood freedom flooded back I felt very much myself as opposed to feeling dissociation or derealisation and more

I visited several antique shops and the local visitor shop in the village with locally made items on the counter to catch the eye of all who entered

There staring at me was a small hand knitted black sheep with a blue 1st prize ribbon around its neck waiting for me

This now has pride of place on one of my bookcases bringing many a smile to my face

In a very long-winded way, I am expressing my opinion that black sheep are far more interesting and I personally have never wanted to be one of a flock of sheep

You feel others might be misreading you or might you be interpreting another's way of expression as so?

This I too have experienced time and time again peaking my curiosity

I then find myself attempting to place myself in the other person's shoes to possibly see it from their perspective

This often helps me release the pattern of thinking that it must be me who has the issue when actually I have no way of knowing what anyone else is thinking at any given time

Best for me to let go of even trying to work that out and feel at ease

They can keep their own issues 

As for looking for the inner child       I am the child I was and always will be

Rowntree fruit gums?  fruit pastels, Barretts sherbet tube with a piece of liquorice at Saturday morning pictures

Amicably monitoring disruptions    clever

enigmatic minds sensing

2

6

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

You have some really beautiful memories that you can hold close to your heart when you need to feel grounded.   I really do envy you.

As for me, well, that's difficult to say.   My memories include so much verbal and physical abuse from my past.

Of course, I have regrets about things I did or didn't do and that plays a large part of the problem.   They say that time is a great healer, but some things never go away.   I try to be as optimistic as I can but combined with everything else, I find that I am fighting the demons every single day of my life.   Instead of enjoying what time I have left, I am still finding that I have to defend myself against my own mind.   It rakes up the past and throws it at me as though it is ensuring that I pay for all of my past sins.   

For me, human interaction, is like visiting the dentist every day of your life.   You are suffering but you don't want to go because you know what is going to take place when you sit in the chair.   This is why I prefer my own company.   Not because I dislike people, quite the opposite in fact.   But I know what some people are capable of and I hate being the object of anyone's wrath and that is what happens.   They probe and poke for any weaknesses and when they find them, it feels as though they have to tell the world about how imperfect I am.

I consider myself to be an unearthly child.   Someone who was not built for this strange world where more emphasis is placed on what a person looks like rather than what they have inside of them.   If you are good to look at then people seem to be more interested in you for whatever reason they get to be seen knowing you.

They blame you for the way you look as though you had some say in it.   It's absurd.   Anyway, I have waffled on enough.   

A Maze Defined 1359

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

and many differences

I read your reply arrived at the bottom to find:

 A Maze Defined 1359

I was reminded of:

Amazing Grace

I consider myself to be spiritual without the religion.

I find the words and meaning of Amazing Grace can be adapted to both.

I also feel and sense that there is much in between these words. This is where I find myself.

This helps me release myself from the loop of the endless mind chatter.  This I believe is what you refer to as:

"I am fighting the demons".

There is hope when we change the the words that we use in relation to what we are experiencing.

What would happen if you removed the words   demons  past sins  weaknesses?  They might well describe how you really feel at the same time they send a message back to your mind that they are real.  You know yourself that they are not.

Does that help or do you feel insulted?  Perhaps you have tried in your eyes over and over.

I have been where you are stuck in the patterns of language in my mind that is so very draining and defeating.

I still have to tell myself when I notice that the pattern is back.

Has helped me so much.  I am not insinuating that the pattern goes away completely. It does decrease though gradually.  Takes work but then you are a thinker also and I know that you  can do the work.

As for the artificial crowd who are absorbed with appearances they are growing as technology multiplies and occupies every waking moment of individuals who are under it's spell.

They need to learn about real life for themselves as harsh as that sounds as they are different generations mostly.

I love gazing out of my window and noticing all of nature surrounding me and am able to feel how remarkable an experience it is to soak in all of it's wonder.  This is what life is when you take it back to beginnings before human beings.

Even mechanism shivers  

26

[Emotions26]

Hello again amd

Twice in one day!

I read my response and thought hmm might come across as airy fairy....perhaps...

So......

Reality of endless mind chatter is that it will wear us down and leave some scarring

I am not denying reality at all

It can feel debilitating at times

However there is some relief by strategy of changing the programme scenario

Another way of changing the wording and so on

Finding some relief from this cycle does actually eventually help somewhat I have found anyway.

We just need a break from ourselves sometimes.

You come across as being self aware and that is where you will find some help

Using your own mind to help yourself changes the words and the programme momentarily which breaks the cycle for a while.

This is beneficial even though it might not sound that way.

Hopefully that makes better sense.

I am a realist.

Ems

Endless minds sizzle

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Nothing wrong with airy fairy in my mind.   In fact, I've always fancied myself in the role of Oberon, who we all know was King of the Airy Fairies.   According to a fairly reliable source, life and reality contain the very essence of the universe.   We experience life against the backdrop of reality.   We may want to deny reality sometimes but ultimately; reality is the sum of all fears.   Life may not always be what we want or expect but it is the tapestry of the human condition which is a fine blend of knowledge and experience.   Sometimes I wish I had no knowledge of the world at all.   To date, it has been very disappointing but then perhaps I have set my sights too high.   They do say that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.   One might question the overarching idea of beauty and truth.

The absurdities of living are found in the fact that within a century of life, we all live and die with the same question hovering over our heads- why?   What was the point of all of this human activity?   Does it mean anything at all and is it supposed to mean anything.   Life is an algebraic inconsistent.   An equation that can never be resolved.   While we waste time measuring everything against a universal standard of truth, we continue to spend our days mired in doubt and self-delusion.   We are either searching for something that does not exist or we fool ourselves into believing anything we find comfort in.   Appearances can be deceiving but there is no true form of universal beauty.   

Appearances Mean Deception 1953

[amd1953]

Twice it shall be and more!

Saluti Ems,

I was once young and stupid.   Now I pride myself on being old and stupid.   I don't think anyone would be able to recognise the difference between the two.   Perhaps it is just one continuous thread of stupidity that animates me.   Who knows?   Who cares?   I am so used to being me that it is impossible to become any worse than the wretched creature I already am.   It is just as well that I have a resilient mind because this form of self-torture indicates a low self-confidence in almost everything I do.   I would have hoped that by now I was impervious to any kind of emotional pain, but it haunts me like a ghost.   I only wish that I had known what was coming my way, but I still would have had to fight my way through it.   I have new spectacles, a new car and a new tooth.   I thought that the dentist would have to extract it, but he saved it.   I wish that I was that easy to save.   The new spectacles are essential to just about everything I undertake.   Now I may read to my heart's content.   As for the new car, well, it takes me wherever I want to go but as I seldom go anywhere it sits in the driveway ready to be driven and driving me just that little bit madder knowing that I will hardly use it.   What form of madness is this, I wonder?   If I have everything I want, what more is there to need?   I am happier alone.   This is a universal truth that I should have recognised and embraced when I was still in the womb.   However, the horrors that were headed my way were over the horizon.   Is it possible to take a break from yourself?   A nice idea by the way.

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti

Have you ever been to the theatre and immersed yourself in the performances?

I have been to a few.  Almost an out of body experience.

I also went to Verona in Italy and saw the props for Verdi ...Oh my goodness what a rush I felt and the structure was incredible

That was some time ago  and  now I tell myself I must leave my home and experience life again

I do venture out in the garden and leave my home for medical appointments that is those that I do not cancel...

I am determined to allow life to be why I am here and not any past experiences 

This is a work in progress

I wish the same for you as it is our minds that hold us back

You have managed buying a new car and new spectacles

bravo

Perhaps we can be on a mission together

Ems

no idea of ........

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Probably not as many live performances as I would have wished.   But then I have led a very sheltered life in so many respects.   I tried to make up for it by extensive reading.   I recently read that life is what we experience ourselves and that reality is the backdrop against which we live it.   I thought that was a very clever way to phrase it.   Something that Pessoa might come out with in his writings.   Very profound observations.

Even though I am alone, I am still tethered to this world by a single shining thread of something relatively meaningful.   I am always amazed when I wake up in the mornings and find myself still here.   As long as the heart holds up and I can register a pulse, I'll be OK.   I am always telling myself that everything will be OK.   I cannot imagine not being here.   I think it will be a shock when I miss the final rollcall.   The fragility of the human condition is contained within the eulogy of "amidst life there is death".   Sad but true.   We learn all of our lessons in a single lifetime and then have no chance to benefit from it.   I'm not sure that I could last more than once.

It would have been impossible for me to be the success I dreamt of being.   I lack the strength to achieve anything worthwhile.   Feel the wind beneath your wings and push against the earth.   I think it is important not to allow anyone to diminish our own sense of self.   I have been a rebel all my life and now I am paying the ultimate price.

A mindless dilemma   1953+3591 = 5544

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd

Waking up in the morning and feeling amazed that you are still here can also be a great awareness of how we actually fit in this life cycle.

Many people wake up jump out of bed, drown themselves in caffeine and switch on noise to wake themselves up.

Missing out on much.

I am very partial to my one cup of espresso though.  That is a treat never to be taken away from me I do hope.

I believe that we are really all here on our own as we come into the world on our own even if we are identical twins or such. 

We depart this world on our own even if in a large group disaster.

We have our thoughts that  are unique to ourselves again we are on our own.

Even people who spend mindless hours on social media or chat of some sort are still on their own.

Why do we feel lonely at times?  Perhaps we are meant to.. a nudge to remind ourselves of what we actually have which is always far more than many ..

I am a person who delves deep into myself consistently and having dissociated from reality on and off for the majority of my life I have discovered much and yet there are so so many unanswered questions yet to come. Of course that is moi

Yes I feel lonely sometimes but I love my own company my own space my own garden my own nooks and crannies to explore my very own nature and wildlife is awe inspiring

Feeling lonely and being alone are very different

It is human to feel lonely and a reminder to search into our minds and as "why" then many answers will reveal themselves if you are open to the question and noticing

You are very hard on yourself amd

I too have been down this track and it is self destroying at times

It still happens occasionally now I am human I am allowed to feel all of my emotions not just the ones that society deems to be appropriate

Keep on expressing

Ciao

etched moments satisfy

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Just lately, I have been trying to indoctrinate myself with the idea of doing as little as possible.   Before this stunning idea hit me, I felt as though I had to busy myself every single day with the view to getting as much out of it as humanly possible.   I quickly realised that this is how I used to live prior to my retirement in 2018.   In my mind there was no such thing as relaxing or taking life easy.   Every minute had to be accounted for and recorded in the ledger for future accounting procedures.   Now, I just do as much or as little as I choose to do.   I keep telling myself that everything will be OK and that there will be no more sacrifices to endure because I am flying solo now.   As much as I like and respect people, even the ones I have never met, I cannot live with anyone without feeling trapped in a bird cage environment.   I think we can empathise with others without the need to cling to them like human gladwrap.   I have never had a firm idea of what people want or expect from me.   It is something that I have never bothered to ask.   I just put myself on autopilot and believed everything would work out for the best.   I now know that nothing works out so I have given up expecting anything from anyone.   It seems safer that way.   If you have no expectations, you reduce the chances of being disappointed by exactly three thirds.   I am so tired of thinking about my past life that I wish I had an on/off switch on my brain.   

I have also been attempting to minimalise my life by decluttering.   Anything that is not essential life is allowed to be thrown out.   

amd1953