Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello randomxx

Nice name by the way.

Random covers so many responses. I like it.

A little about my name Em26. Em is short for emotions. 26 does not even come close to the number of emotions that I or any human being can feel.

Numerology intrigues me.

Another subject which I thought that I might throw out there. Open for discussion.

I am hoping that AMd will join us at some stage.

I am better with one to one discussions myself.

I smiled about the wood in the office scenario as a means to introduce calm.

There is evidence that it does work. H o w e v e r it does not work if there is dysfunction within the workers and management.

You can add as many crystals, scented candles, bright cushions and time out to relax as you like. If you have to return to over controlling micro managing environments there is only one obvious solution to that.

I didn't mean to infer that you had turned your back on yourself. I do express myself differently to most and even in the big real world this is an issue for me at times. I am constantly rephrasing; justifying my words.

Somehow I don't think that you took offence though. I think that you are clarifying where you are at now which is good.

I like the way that you described your wish as hoping to be who you are without blocking the rest of the world out.

No mean feat.

Art now I would be one of those people stating that I cannot paint; I cannot draw and so on. Yet on the odd occasion that I have randomly (interesting) tried I have managed to do something that is not disastrous.

Same with writing. I want to write. I tell myself that I don't know where to start yet I have been writing down my thoughts on paper for the majority of my life.

Humans we are far more complicated than animals, birds, insects and more.

Well that was a bit of a going off on a tangent.

I do not feel that you ranted at all I will  reply as I leave this piece of waffle apologising for rambling on.

Em

[amd1953]

Good Evening Em,

Answering your questions first before I go flying off at a tangent.   

No, I haven't built a moat yet but I would love to.   I don't think the local council would be happy if I did something like that.   If I did have one they would most certainly make me fill it in.   

I tried fishing a few times but I didn't take to it very well and I would prefer to leave the fish in their natural habitat.   Not only do I dislike putting worms on hooks, I also hate handling the fish when I catch them.   Not that I have caught that many, you understand.

Yes, I do have a very strong connection with my hedges.   I leave them alone and they do just fine.   I never water them, but I did prune them back once a few years ago.   I hate pruning things.

I have tried being nice to myself, but it is a waste of time.   Strangely enough, the negative thoughts invade my mind more when I am not writing than when I am.   It doesn't take much to sow the seeds of evil.   Those people who are not sensitive have little or no time for those who feel the pain and suffering of the world.   Compassion and empathy seem to be scorned by many in this life and are regarded as a form of weakness.   It isn't just a matter of designing your thoughts to bring about happiness.   Happiness is only a small part of what is needed to avoid falling into the traps set by others.   Some people love being offended and adopting the victim stance.   It allows them to turn their weakness into a strength.   I have tried to stop writing but it only makes things worse.   Being able to pour your heart out on to a pure white page is supposed to aid in the strengthening of the spirit.   So I am told.   If it is true then I would like to become bullet-proof and let everyone's barbed comments and spiteful acts bounce off me like hail on a tin roof.   I am soft and I am sensitive.   Having those traits is both a curse and a blessing and at times can make everything worse because you are always fighting against yourself to try to understand what is going on.   Asking people to change the way they think is paramount to heresy.   They look at you as though they could kill you and, given the chance, perhaps they would without too much regard. 

No more voices crying from the desert.   It is a complete waste of time.   I have to write them down where they belong.   I hope nobody will ever read what I have written for myself.   Someone said to me once that they wished they could turn off their brain in an effort to stop the flow of negative thought.   I know that is impossible.   You are right, we cannot stop being who we are and it is always a waste of time trying to be someone different because others dislike who we are.   We have as much right to be ourselves as they do.   You never hear them promising to change for others.   You are also right when you say that people change faces to suit their mood.   They are like chameleons.   If you can't be yourself then who are you?   What right does anyone else have to demand that you change for them?   I have put up with so much of that in my time.   Is it because they are unhappy with themselves?   I used to have a cat a couple of decades ago and he was the only one prepared to stick by me no matter what.   That is something a lot of people find extremely difficult to do because they like the option of changing their minds if it suits them.   It's what they want that matters most.   

Well, I think I have probably said enough for now.   Some people reading this would probably say more than enough.   Let them think what they want.

Stay well and free from harm Em

Goodnight but not Goodbye 🙂

AMD out!

[amd1953]

Postscript

A whole four hours sleep for me overnight which is something to be thankful for.   I moved my bed out into the lounge.   I do that from time to time when I feel like a change of environment.   It is always a bit of a gamble though.   Perhaps I should purchase a second bed so that I don't have to bother moving them around.   Who knows eh?   Perhaps my bed will be on the roof next.   Maybe it will be at the bottom of the garden where the fairies live and play.   I haven't communed with them for ages.   They are all delicate little creatures but they will bite you if they get the chance.   Life is a labyrinth of emotional and experiential twists and turns.   Never knowing when the next disaster or catastrophe is going to hit you right between the eyes.   I am thinking of moving to outer Mongolia in search of whatever I am searching for in my sad/happy life.   More happy than sad fortunately.   What joys and surprises will today bring?   I never plan my days too far ahead in case there is a short circuit I can't handle.   Perhaps I will just go back to snoozeland and complete my transformation into something better than what I am at the moment.   But then, why should I seek perfection when nobody else bothers?   I think I have said that before.   Until we meet again.

Anno Domini 1953

[mmMekitty]

Hello AMD, Em & rss

I enjoy your conversation. (I imagine I am the little cat in the computer, peering out at what you are writing, like a cat in the hedges would be peering out at the world, for something to catch)  

Terry Pratchett had imps in the devices, things like cameras or pocket personal assistant/reminder Sam Vimes had been been given.

I read the last page & a half, & already memory is making a muddy mess of what I read. A little stands out, such as this, you, AMD, wrote:

"Perhaps I will just go back to snoozeland and complete my transformation into something better than what I am at the moment.   But then, why should I seek perfection when nobody else bothers? "

The question, rhetorical, I'm sure, butI I think it is important.

My response was: 'perfection' is such a high bar to set for anyone to achieve, & secondly, I thought, what does it matter what someone else would think of your goals or transformation, or anything you want for yourself?

& something from Em's post, about writing:

What writing is - it is a form of self-expression, either as a release or processing of our own ideas, thoughts & feelings, or to communicate these thoughts, feelings & Ideas to others.

writing can take many forms. Prose, poetry fiction or factual accounts, essays, letters, journaling, scribbles & unedited stream of consciousness, & more...

Writers are people who write, whether using pen & paper, PC, tablet or phone, or using fountain pen or paintbrush producing caligraphy, or a spray can on a wall, or using braille, a typewriter, or dictating to a scribe or voice/note taker. You could even be a writer who scratches with a knife into wood or clay tablet.

You have been a writer for many years.

You could desire & strive to hone your writing, to produce writing which is as clear to expressing what you want to convey to a reader (including yourself) as is possible.

In that, you would be like any artist - always learning, always with a sense that you haven't & never can achieve perfection.

I have often thought how Van Gough painted 24+ versions of his Sunflowers painting. I imagine he always thought he could do some aspect of it better.

Hello to rxx, too. It sure is valuable to get your focus off the depths & into the beauty & wonder of the world. If you feel inclined to paint, how would you capture some of what you appreciate in nature?

Hugzies to everyone

mmMekitty 

[amd1953]

Hello mmMekitty,

Thank you for your comments.   As Em has observed, it is probably a wise thing not to take me too literally.   I think we could expect perfection in art more than people.   Although I know for a fact that some people behave as if they are perfect.   There are beautiful women and handsome men but sometimes appearances can be deceiving.   When I mention perfection, I am trying to make light of it rather than claim to aspire to be perfect.   Most of the people we see on television and in the movies are perfectly good looking and it is probably good for ratings and profits not to have someone ordinary and uninteresting reading the news or starring in a romantic movie.   Just my opinion.   Something natural, such as a rose or an inspirational vista would probably deserve to be called perfect more than anything else.   I suppose it is a subject that is really open to debate.   It's nice to have another voice in the discussion.

Kind regards

amd

[randomxx]

Hi there em mm amd and all.

And thanks for that to em very nice of you and nah, of course no offence, and you do just fine l reckon.

And yeah figured that about your name,mine wasn't meant to be anything, just random ha ha.

Hi  there mm and thank you too. l've actually touched Van go's sunflower, no words. No one is suppose to they have ropes around them and everything publicly, there's laser alarms you can't see and all sorts of crap aimed straight at them too but l was in there while they were still setting up and snuck a feel.

Thanks for asking , painted nature in many ways many times. l do have a real thing about very very high cliffs though - weird bc l'm scared of heights, go figure. A very high cliff is just so fascinating though and scary as hell. Even more so that goats can actually somehow walk along the side of vertical cliff 1/2 way down with a 100mtr drop and not fall off, 2 bizarre natures in one hey.

Hope your well amd,have a nice night all.

rxx

[Emotions26]

A fine afternoon to you

AMD out!  ( That one threw this extra sensitive soul into a spin. What did out with the explanation mean? Does my head in along with everyone else’s I have this need to question everything.  So much for not taking words too literally! I might need to find a tutor. Sigh

The moat. In a different world I would say oh yes do it excitedly. Imagining having a moat encircling your castle with it’s very own drawbridge. You would  probably need to set the task of watch for those fairies ( not the biting ones) at the bottom of the garden. Terry Pratchett can give  you some cues. 
Fishing. No I don’t like it either for exactly the same reasons and many more that you gave. I don’t get the difference between the sea breeze moving the water and oh the fish is biting! More frustrating than relaxing. I will pull up a comfortable chair and settle into reading a book. Every. NOw and then I like to soak I the sea smells; be mesmerised by the movement of the water; in particular the tide. 
I did laugh about the connection with your hedges and leaving them alone. Not giving them a drink is really not fair. Even plants get thirsty. I am prone to overwatering especially where I have interplanted different species which require varying quantities of water as well as how often.

Lovely to read that you had a cat with whom you had a strong bond with some time ago.

I have a strong bond with mine. He has a strong bond with me on his terms and when he wants. He is quite a character.

Not quite goodnight yet and not goodbye.

I need to reply to your other posts. I can only do one at a time when using my phone.

Emo

[Emotions26]

Yes we meet again 

Oh drat hit the bold thing.

So Anno Domini. 
I did not work that one out.

Very clever and well done.

I thought it might have been am D (D being the initial of your Christian name)

I think that 1953 follows through easily.

Now my name is boring. I can’t change my username though as will lose my place.

Moving beds from room to room. Strenuous pastime. Yes new bed for living room and why not another for roof terrace and bottom of the garden. A chaise longue or settee converting to a bed? 
Outer Mongolia might turn out to be as fruitful as was it Mars?

what about your own island?

About your taking a break from writing that was meant to emphasise resting your mind temporarily that the fast moving thoughts flowing can induce.

No I would never suggest that Amd1953 cease writing.

It is your style of writing that has attracts your audience. You are now reaching others.

As for perfection there is no such thing in my world. How can there be when nature grows; recycles; new shoots; spreads. Birds and wind spread seeds. Bees pollinate. Works nourish the soil. 
Expcting too much from ourselves and being self critical sis another matter. This is my heavy load.

Unexpected short circuits in our days now those words I like.

Ciao for now

Em or Me

keep on writing

[Emotions26]

Hello Rxx

I was going to call you Random.I don’t see it as just Random. Many ideas spring to my mind.

I can’t believe that you actually touched Van Goph’s sunflower. 
You might have been arrested.

Why did you want to touch it asks the non artist? A famous piece? 
A fascination for cliffs now that is interesting. 
You mentioned not liking heights I Woul only put the two together if climbing up or standing at the top wanting to look over. 
Possibly magnificence in nature’s formation? What were other land formation were they joined to? History- geology- archaeology.

What a conversation.

The artist’s eye for different angles; shapes ; colours ; reflections. The list can be endless really.

Yes I waffle.

Tell us more about your affiliation with nature.

I think that all four of us here are at peace with nature.

Would you all agree?

Bye for now

Em

Em and emotions boring.

[Emotions26]

Hello mmme

Lovely for you to visit here.

You have now met Amd and Random.

The cat in the computer. Yes certainly playing around with my responses by phone.

That was quite inspiring your responses to my thoughts on not knowing where to start writing. It does make sense and truthfully I do know this deep inside. It is that infernal programming of the brain from life experiences.

Do you write yourself? Or did you previously?

I wrote about my thoughts on the word perfection to Amd in a recent post.

I thought of etchings in caves.

Storytelling from pictures; images and hieroglyphics.

You have a knowledge of art also.

Please share with us all at some time.

Hope that you are well and resting enough

Ciao for now

Em