Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello amD

I thought that I might respond to your first reply to me. Your style of writing amuses me. As you know my favourite style of humour is dry.

Interesting to read that you would most likely have gone willingly with the aliens though. Have you read any science fiction? It is not a genre that appeals to me although I have enjoyed some children's films along that line. I do love humour, fantasy in a science fiction style. My favourite author being Terry Pratchett. I have just bought myself some of his earlier books even though I have read them several times, as they are almost impossible to find in second hand book shops.

Escaping this world appeals to me at times; though not in a space ship. I would prefer to develop the power to fly or travel through multiple universes.

Salvation is a whole new subject.

So very sorry to hear about your experience with studying. Sounds very intense and I feel that you handled the outcome well. As you intimated your quest for knowledge and truth will have to continue without scholastic achievement. Can I ask you what you feel the scholastic achievement will provide you with other than the obvious, a certificate? Will you be a better person? Can you not choose your own path of study and gain more from enjoying what you wish to learn rather than a set curriculum? Or was this a long term wish to finish this degree? When I am disappointed with myself or recognise that I am falling into the trap of feeling that I have failed, I now turn my  thinking around by presenting myself with varying questions and scenarios. A very interesting exercise as what comes into my mind at times really does surprise me. I don't have all the answers and can still have self doubts as I am still human.

I confess I had to look up Rick Blaine. I can see where the cynicism fits in. Easy to succumb to.

I am more a person who will stand up for the freedom of the right for every single being to be heard. I also will stand very tall and defend anyone who is being bullied or belittled.

Perhaps I am beginning to take your writing too literally. Very hard to tell at times with virtual writing.

Baked cheesecake is all yours. A home made chocolate eclair occasionally yes please. A piece of freshly made chocolate cake still wins me over. Overall I do not have a sweet tooth though.

A selection of cheeses nuts and fruit to nibble at entices me more.

As for producing nonsense. I would describe my own writing as such. Mine I have been known to call complete dribble; yes waffling; boring and lacking depth.

So I think that I am trying to say we can all be self critics. Well some of us. Some think that their work should be published after the first draft.

Suspended animation. I do know dissociating. I also know fatigue.

Star Wars classic. I enjoyed Yoda in Star Wars series.

I love Yoda

 “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” — Yoda

Well hopefully this response has not put you to sleep. Then again that might be a good thing as you mentioned you are sleep deprived.

I feel quite weary and drained still.

Time to feed my cat

Take care

Em26

[amd1953]

Good Morning Em,

I am most assuredly someone who should never have seen the light of day.   I have a closer affinity with the natural world than with my own

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

I am concerned for you.

Would you like me to read some more of your writing which truly does intrigue me.

I feel as though I have upset you with one or both of my last posts and I want to apologise to you if that is the case.

You have become a friend in a virtual way.

I can relate to feeling closer to the natural world than the world of people and everyday life.

Perhaps that is why I loved being overseas an alternative to travelling to another planet.

Please look after you.

Can you let me know or Beyond Blue if you do not want to write to me that you are safe please? Beyond Blue will then let me know.

I know that you understand anxiety.

Em

I am so very sorry for upsetting you.

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

I posted those two short sentences by accident this morning and I had intended to write a lot more.   I never seem to be at a loss for something to say.   However, it threw me off and even though I tried to get back in the groove, I just had to switch the computer off and return to my bed to finish sleeping.   I always look forward to reading your replies and I sincerely hope that you will continue to do so for as long as you choose to gift your valuable time.   What I was trying to say this morning was that I have now set my life up to be as self-contained as I can possibly make it.   I only venture out in public when I really have to and even that is a struggle.   Thus, I keep the drawbridge to my humble castle permanently closed.   It might sound a little weird to a lot of people, but it works for me.   It is probably better that I do not elaborate on that situation too much.   I dare say other people have led worse lives than I have but I have only experienced my own and that was bad enough.   The scars run deeper than anyone could possibly imagine.   Nevertheless, I remain optimistic that if I leave people alone then they will reciprocate the favour.   Of course, there is an exception to this rule which you are already aware of.   I prefer the deep-thinking aspects of life and it is extremely hard to find anyone who does not just want to converse about the weather.   But then I do not have to worry about that now because nobody talks to me around here, so it is a blessing in disguise.   I simply stay out of their way.   I am a lost cause because I never had one.   I have wasted so much time trying to be something I am not, and it is only now that I realise what a futile exercise it has been for someone like me.   Well, I think that I have rattled on for far too long.   I hope you are well and happy.

Sayonara

AMD

[amd1953]

Good Morning Em

Well, here we are again.   Or at least, here I am.   I have slept for a couple of hours and now I find myself gravitating to the computer yet again.   Perhaps I am a sucker for punishment, or it could be that cry from the desert.   It could also be a desire to be heard anonymously without the usual and obligatory judgement and condemnation.   Perhaps it is the sense that I am now on the downhill run to the end of the race, and I am asking what I have to lose by being brutally honest with myself and those who might have time to listen.   But not many people do want to listen.   They only choose to hear what they want to hear.   There is a distinct lack of empathy and I lament its absence.   If we are gradually moving towards a new world then I hope it is an improvement on the old one.   I have heard it said that life is an experiment and that none of us really know what we are doing or why we are doing it.   Even though I seem to be so disgusted with my own life, it is my own fault and my own failure to read the cues that has led me to this point.   I never asked enough questions on the way through the maze.   I accepted everything I was fed without argument.   I have done nothing to advance the cause but then, is there really a cause to adhere to or is all just a bad dream.   Does it really matter whether we are successes or failures?   I don't think there is any overarching grand plan for humanity.   I don't see that there can possibly be a universal meaning to life because of the very nature of mankind.   While some of us are lucky enough to navigate this world with a clear sky and a fair wind, others are battered and tossed around by fierce winds and swamped by seas and oceans which seem to tower over us like mountains.   My vision is now blurred, and I am touch-typing by instinct.   I think it is time to leave the keyboard and curl up on the carpet and resume my slumberous intent.

Bye for now

AMd

[randomxx]

Hi there amd.

l was just reading a few of your posts there and the title, it all reminds me of myself earlier.

l was a way too deeper thinker,a painter and writer too for a long time too for a long time,mainly poetry ans songs .Not that you'd know it here or any more bc l discovered l was a much happier person just letting it go , allowing myself to talk about that weather and the every day small talk that  people do.l keep the heavy stuff short and sweet these days bc all that shyt only makes me heavy again and l learnt to enjoy and appreciate those simplicities. Maybe they were all smarter than me bc they'd skim stuff and then move on, bc they were happier and lighter than me too  and l liked that once l realized it.

l also grew up in a very heavy very  large family, but even as a kid l noticed the ones that weren't too heavy and too bogged down , were also happier people than the side that was.

Even dad and mum , dad was this complicated very very  heavy very very intelligent person although he had a great sense of humour too he was most often just weighed down with all his crap and lead a very very complicated life. Mum on the other hand was a very aware but simple person .

ldk, even painting you go through a lot of yrs finding your balance when you were as heavy as l was , and l saw it and knew it l didn;t do that, l'd go mad. And what for , art , for Christ sake. At the end of the day it's only art. Ken Done was much happier painting his child like playful stuff and not taking himself too seriously than l was.  So was my mum and others in my family and so were the people that light heartedly talked about the weather and small stuff.

So turned a corner and opened those doors about 10yrs back ,l wanted to be happy not all heavy and glum ad serious - now l talk about the weather too,love the weather hahaha, it's fascinating.

Good luck.

rxx

[Emotions26]

Good morning AMd

Well what can I say

Relief is foremost in my thoughts.

I have come to realise some time ago now that you prefer the fortress complete with drawbridge. I am madly trying to remember if I asked you once if you had built a moat.

A new project? Fish? Fishing a new past-time to allow you some relief from your busy mind?

I remember that you have very  tall hedges which bring you much reassurance and privacy. You love them. I hope that you water them and prune them.

Now curled up on the carpet. Not ideal for avoiding stiffness of joints.

I think that I must not take you so literally.

I find if I read your responses several times and I mean more than a few times I can sense new meanings in between the words each time.

It becomes an exercise in what will this maze of words reveal this time around? What secret codes are in between the pauses of thinking. Fascinating.

Now I am going to very gently tell you to be nicer to yourself. We have been writing to each other for several months now and have had some interesting conversations virtually.

Can you try to stop writing, if that is what you are doing when the self doubt takes over and move to one of your other interests? I know that you mentioned that you have several and keep yourself very busy which is wonderful. This will you give you the opportunity to outwit some of these pesky negative thoughts that are coming through from the past.

If your words are a cry from the wilderness; the inner you is working hard to escape the self criticism  from the past.

Allow that cry to be heard to push your words into your replies here.

That beautiful dry humour that is yours will be your gallant horse carrying you through.

The strong force that you have spoken about forging  through the brimstone. Use it and write with that energy.

I know that you have stated more than once that you had have enough advice given to last a lifetime.

This suggestion is out of kindness.

I have feelings and thoughts that surface from the past. Everyone does. Some are plagued more than others I do understand.

Mine set off a chain of concern, fear, dread, worry and caring when  I read a message left that I interpret as possibly a cry for help. Hence my response asking you to let me know that you are safe.

I am extremely sensitive and so very, very deep, Amd.

I know other people say move away from the depth.

My depth will not allow me to do that it is the bigger part of me with my super sensitivity.

I am one who feels strong empathy. I am told that I must not lose these traits.

Sometimes I want to have a break from them  because they are so heavy and weigh me down so much. I hurt.

Then the seconds that feel like hours and hours pass. I am one again.

I cannot stop being who I am as can you.

We can learn to accept that we are enough regardless of all of the people over the years who have told us far too many times that we are not.

We have to keep on reminding ourselves though. We must never give up on ourselves.

Those people in life who appear to have it all together are often faking it; hiding, masking their own difficulties. Pushing through; possibly falling in  a heap when on their own. We will never know. We do not need to know. We also must not measure our own worth against the outer appearance, vibes, voicing of others.

As for plan for mankind.  That one made me smile. Another Terry Pratchett enlightening moment.

No plans and even if there are who takes notice of them. Most people have their own agendas as you alluded to laugh. Who is listening? You and I? Perhaps random xx who also wrote to you.

You have attracted another writer to your world.

See.

Now you mentioned nature. Now we are onto the real world. The environment around us. Life growing from the elements all around us as we are weighed down by our nasty past thoughts and feelings. We are missing what is happening now.

I have waffled on.

I hope that I have not driven you to curl up on  the carpet again. Do you have any pets? Have I asked you that already?

Off to the garden to watch nature and soak it in.

Cheerio then

Em 26+

PS Look up the actual meaning of Sayonara

[Emotions26]

Hello randomxx

Another writer and artistic person.

I know that you feel more at peace following a different pathway these days.

Congratulations on having the gift though when your work gave you some release.

I am still struggling to write. It is a dream.

You fit in quite well actually.  I picked up that you already are playing around with your name as AMd and myself do.

Hello and nice to meet you regardless.

The weather as in the real weather is definitely fascinating.

Em26

[randomxx]

Hi there em .

Nature is indeed the gift , as so are cuddles , affection , intimacy, blue skies, humour,wild weather,all free, from mother nature. Free and beautiful - our calmer's and grounders, that's what she's telling us in the craziness the worlds become.Funny isn't it and ridiculous too, but all those studies, scientists, even shrinks, are finally realizing it. They've even finally concluded that wood in an office calms their workers and sets a peaceful productive mode- well l never right - fancy that. Bit slow of the mark our modern world aren't they hey.

But yaknow, it's hard to explain. l wasn't saying l've turned my back on who l am, just that well, ldk. Who l am was not as important as l let it be, or something like that. But being happy and at peace,well wth am l even here if l don't open the doors to that too , right, what would be the point. Many a painter writer scientist take your pick,the high iq's, have lived in their own self imposed misery only to be all talked about when they're gone - well a lot of good that is right.

Funny ,l don't even like myself when l let that bs get on top of me,let alone my life. And l don't even like being involved with people like me bc they just bring my emotions down being so heavy and that's why l realized l had to change something ,open the doors , or what's the point, be miserable.

Funny , this morning talking to the mate cross the road, he's all exited and happy about his garden this year, l'm thinking good for you mate, bloody good for you, that's what it's about, right.

l hoped to be who l am , but not block the rest of the world. ln art it's amazing how people you know feel sort of a bit silly and are always apologising for not knowing anything about art or understanding art. l always say nooooooo, that's ok. Do you like this one , they'd say orrr, hmmmm, l think this or think that or yeah it's very cool or nope, sorry. l'd say that's all you need to know my friend.

Scuse rant.

rxx

[Emotions26]

Good morning Amd

I hope that you  are feeling better and somewhat more rested as I know sleep evades you mostly.

Thought I would wave hello if that is possible virtually. There probably is an emoticon. They are not really my cup of tea though.

As you might have already ascertained I do not follow the crowds.

I am not big on text messaging either which is where they originated I believe or live chat. Oops wrote live cat by mistake. Hmm just imagining a live cat in my computer and phone responding on my behalf.

Short, sharp and intolerant I imagine. I can't imagine the cat using emoticons either.

Well I am waffling, rambling, wandering or whatever.

Write when you can.

Take care

Em