Defined by who I am becoming, not by my past

[Allira]

Hello,

Having only just joined this group, I am still finding my way online.

My preference has always been face-to-face interactions because they help me feel more connected to others. But here goes 🙂

Growing up as a teenager in the 80s, without social media’s pressures, shaped this preference. The constant comparisons and judgments that happen online today can really intensify mental health challenges.

Even so, my childhood was dysfunctional, marked by family violence and ongoing abuse from my parents, which had lingering effects on how I relate to others as an adult.

26 years ago, I broke my silence of abuse and finally spoke out about my experiences, beginning a healing process that has felt like being on a roller coaster, full of highs and lows. This is because growing up, I became hypervigilant to signs of danger to protect myself from abuse, making it hard to relax or trust my judgment.

As an adult, I still scan for rejection or criticism and am still learning not to overthink and overanalyse texts or people's words and actions, even pauses or changes in tone from others, which leaves me emotionally drained and disconnected from my own feelings and needs.

I have come to terms with the fact that recovery is not something that happens overnight or makes me forget the past. Healing is not a straight line.

For example, for me, it hasn’t been Struggle- Start therapy- Feel better and put it in the past.

Personally, it goes like this for me..

Struggle - go to therapy - learn a little more about myself - feel better - get triggered by something - feel low - forget what I learnt - struggle - therapy - sit with emotions - learn a little more - feel better- encounter a difficulty - struggle - avoid emotions - practice what I have learnt- feel good- until something triggers me once more.

Now, I see this as an ongoing learning cycle. There will be both good times and tough times, but I accept this is my lifelong path toward healing and, most importantly, personal growth.

Whenever I face something daunting, I've learned to let my emotions surface rather than bottle them up. I reach out to someone trustworthy, engage in therapy, or do something I enjoy. Later, I reflect and treat every experience as an opportunity for learning and growth.

Rather than criticising myself when I stumble, I strive to be gentler and more compassionate with myself, and I’m grateful for the person I am becoming; someone who extends that kindness and gentleness to those around me.

I remind myself that it’s okay not to feel okay sometimes; the key is not to stay stuck there. I make sure I have tools and support ready for those challenging days.

Joining this forum is a daunting but new experience and I am eager to connect with others facing similar challenges so we can support one another.

We are all worth the effort and worthy.

We don’t have to be defined by what we have been through but

What we are shaping ourselves to be.

Survivors!

[white knight]

Hi

A very productive post indeed. And your "cycle" of mental health repair is spot on as so many get stuck somewhere in that cycle.

My road is similar but now im 70yo and ive found it beneficial to step back from putting in practice new learning techniques so I can live partially normal eg with friends for lunch that if I mention mental health it departs from the atmosphere of laughter. So essentially I've grown tired of trying too hard, accepted myself for the huge progress ive made and happy to guide others with my lived experience.  As my last therapist said "I dont think you need me anymore. That's regardless of bipolar, dysthymia,  anxiety and high functioning autism.

Its more interesting for me that accepting myself for my flaws was my greatest hurdle leaped. 

Anyway to read posts that are inspirational is refreshing. Welcome again. Feel free to contribute anytime.

TonyWK 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you, Allira

What a truly inspiring post from someone who has seen such incredibly challenging times throughout their life, someone who has raised themself and continues to raise themself through such challenges and someone who longs to make a difference to others. You're an amazing and beautiful person.

You touch on something I regard as being one of my greatest revelations in life, 'I'm not cycling 'round and 'round, I'm cycling upwards'. The darkest parts of the cycle are definitely the hardest parts to manage, that's for sure. 'There's going to be a much needed revelation at the end of this cycle' is not always a convincing mantra at times but then it eventually comes, the revelation and the reward (for all the hard work).

You also touch on a number of other revelations that I can relate to. To name a few

• The need to question, on the quest for greater self understanding. It took me decades to finally work out that many of the questions I asked while in a state of depression went hand in hand with certain areas of philosophy. With Buddhist philosophy being just one offshoot down a philosophical rabbit hole, such philosophy covers 'Why am I here? What is the point of living? Why do I suffer? What is my purpose?' etc. They are all valid questions asked whilst in a deep state of depression, yet people can be led to believe they are depressing questions, as opposed to ones that can come with great mind altering and life changing revelations. Of course, sometimes the questions we so desperately need answers to aren't always so deep 
• The need to wonder, as opposed to jumping to the wrong conclusions, such as with 'I wonder why I'm feeling such sadness or anger' as opposed to 'I'm broken and will never be happy'. As you touch on, all emotions can be telling, therefor it pays to listen to them (as opposed to suppressing or ignoring them). You also mention the difference it makes when we find people who'll wonder with us, as opposed to us being left to wonder alone. Wonderful or wonder filled people can definitely be 'fast trackers' on parts of our path in life. A sense of wonder is the key to opening the mind
• The need to better understand the gift of sensitivity and the sometimes overwhelming challenges that can come with that. Being able to sense tone, intention, emotion and so much more has both it's bright side and dark side (2 sides of the same coin). Coming to our senses and mastering them can be such a slow and grueling process at times. On the way to self mastery, a sense of intuition would have to be one of the greatest gifts of all

Not sure whether you can relate but I've found one of my all time greatest revelations to be 'I'm not who I think I am'. It's like just when you think you've got it all worked out while perhaps being led to the belief that you're this type of person, some revelation springs up that leads to the realisation 'That's not me! Where the heck did that belief come from?'. And, again, wonder and questioning come into play, 'If that's not me, who am I really?'. Self discovery or self understanding is a life long process, as are the challenges that lead us there. 

Perhaps we're here to collect keys. Whether it's the key to opening the mind, the key to unlocking compassion, the key to unlocking greater levels of self understanding, the key to a sense of adventure, the one that unlocks intuition etc, each cycle offers a chance to gain another key. 🙂

[Allira]

Thank you for your reply. 

Well done for accepting yourself for who you are and the progress you have made is awesome. Personally, I wouldn't call it 'flaws', I would call it being 'uniquely you'. 

Yes, for me, recognising the cycle has made a tremendous difference in my life. Interestingly, you say 'trying too hard', for me I call it, 'people pleasing' so I can be liked, or putting on a mask so I can be accepted.. that has been exhausting for me to keep up. Now I am recognising more and more when I do it, and say to myself-

no, just be you, and the people who are meant to connect with you, they will, and the others, well, they are not meant to. I have accepted I will not be everyone's cup of tea and that is ok.

Well done for your greatest hurdle leaped. Sounds like you have a lot of lived experience to share with others, to help guide and support.

[Allira]

Hello, the rising,

I really love your reply, spot on!

And the analogy- cycling upwards. Yes, so true. 

The Buddhist philosophy, I have touched on a number of years ago, while living overseas. Self-discovery and understanding are a lifelong process.

I love the words by Neal Donald Walsch; 

"We have the power to shape our reality through our own thoughts, words and deeds". 

On a personal level, I feel when I face challenging situations with my partner, I ask myself; What do I need to learn about myself through my relationship?

It is not about learning anything from my partner, per se, I feel it is about learning about myself through my relationship with my partner. 

In some of the situations, I think, if I wasn't in this relationship, then how could I question and learn about some of my behaviors when in a relationship. Through this relationship, as challenging as it is, I have learnt patience, I have learnt to breathe and walk away in the moments and come back when I am calm, instead of say something I may later regret.  

More importantly, I am still learning to trust and know that not everyone is going to hurt me, I stopped broad brushing, like I used to.

Trust is a big learning lesson for me, because if my parents violated my boundaries and trust as a child, why would anyone else be trustworthy?

This is the hardest lesson to learn for me, and perhaps a 'key' worth searching for!