Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[randomxx]

Hi there em.

l kinda feel like l'm intruding in you and em's private world and l can well appreciate those too so l'd hate to do that.

Many things about the high cliff em, but l love trying to get ea cliff higher, and then higher, as high as l can poss make it appear on a canvas. l think l've managed to do one of about 1k in height. For some reason l'm just fasciated at just how amazingly dramatic and scary a cliff that high is but l could never stand anywhere near the top in RL, or probably even at the bottom either. l'd not only get serious vertigo but probably throw up too. l must be crazy painting them right but l'm also just fascinated with this eerie 4 or 5 dimensional look they have.

l always try to feel any of my heroes paintings.With the sunflower l knew the director. Pretty sure he turned away on purpose, he knows l like to feel them. l've felt a Picasso, a Whitely and a Matisse too,l know Vincent wouldn't mind and doubt the others either. l like to lay my hand flat on the piece if l can and draw it in. lt's incredible to touch a piece one of these guys actually painted in their studio.

Haaaa, and you don't need perfection, how boring right. Picasso said once, if you paint a pretty line, destroy it. l feel the same about perfection.

Although l think nature is just an incredible perfection tbh, the harmony the abstract the purpose, reasons for this the job of that, just mind boggling.

Take care  people.

ps, your name is nice em , and it on sight shows that your not made of stone like some.

rxx.

[amd1953]

Hello Em,

I can promise you that my hedge is in good shape and gets enough rain to keep it happy.   I can't remember the last time I watered anything around here.   I just leave it alone and it grows very well.   Right again with the amd.  They are the initials of my christian, middle and surnames.   1953 is the year of my birth anno domini.   The year of my lord.   Not that I am in any way religious.   I thrive on spirituality.   The sense that there is a close connection, almost a bond, with the universe that is so far away from me and yet so close that I feel I can touch the sky.   As far as I know, this planet is the only inhabitable one, so I won't be moving away any time soon.   Whatever the future holds, this is a one-way ticket to somewhere beyond our experience and imagination.   I was reading that some people think this life is a computer simulation so someone in the future is obviously controlling us.   Fascinating stuff, although a little far-fetched.   I had enough trouble getting my head around Free Will.   

I have found that the best thing to do when I'm feeling down is close my eyes and float away somewhere special for a while.   It's my own form of meditation I suppose but by the time I come back to reality, I have lost the worry or whatever that I had before.   That is one of the benefits of having a vivid imagination I suppose.   It could be a tropical island, a huge forest somewhere or a cave in the middle of a desert.   Somewhere where you can forgot all of your worries and breath easier for a while.   It also drowns out the sound of my past and I like when that happens.   I also value being alone too although that probably would not suit everyone.   Being the ultra introverted person that I am, I find human interaction just a little bit draining.   So I have to recharge my batteries fully before starting off again.   A few hours writing can do it for me too and allows me to collect my thoughts and maybe try to make sense of what is going through my mind.   Now there is a demanding task.   Sometimes I use the dictation on Word and just sit here and ramble on.   It doesn't alweays make sense when I read it back but it's fun talking to myself. :)Four minutes to midnight.   I wonder if I'm going to turn into a pumpkin when the church bell strikes the hour.   Well, the nearest church is a couple of k's away so I can rule that idea out.   I remember you said that you like your environment to be quiet.   I think that was in reply to my statement that I liked to have some music in the background or someone talking on Youtube.   We are all different aren't we?   Well, it has passed midnight and I don't feel any different so I guess the bad fairies left me alone tonight.   Maybe it's not the fairies at all but The Wee Free Men.   TP novel extraordinaire.   Right, time to say goodnight Em.   I hope your days are filled with sun and laughter and your nights, peaceful and restorative.

Godnat

amd1953 (Always Making Dreams)

[Emotions26]

Good morning randomxx

I will reply to you in more depth when I have the time to think more clearly.

I am not feeling that well today.

I want to let you know that on my part I do not feel that you are intruding by writing to everyone on here.

I believe that every post on the forum is open to any member to respond to.

Not always easy to do depending on each of us of course.

I also respect how you expressed

"l kinda feel like l'm intruding in you and em's private world and l can well appreciate those too so l'd hate to do that."

I sense that you are caring and considerate of others.

I understand your thinking that way. I would probably write something very similar myself.

This is a similar situation to real life where one enters an already established group of people who clearly have been conversing with one another for some time.

Trust your own instincts and be true to yourself.

Will reply when feeling better

Em

not made of stone

That was a lovely way to be described. Thank you

[Emotions26]

Hello amd

You might have read my reply to random who had written to me earlier.

I am leaving brief responses at the moment due to not feeling well.

I think that you know me well enough to be aware that I like to give thought to my replies.

As do you

Your last reply was quite uplifting and your humour shone through.

A joy to read.

So you  do know about Terry Pratchett. Great

You speak danish?

for now

buona mattina and ciao

Em

(ever meaningful)

[Emotions26]

ps

of course

I will reply as soon as I can think more clearly

Em

[Emotions26]

Good morning amd1953

I managed to get out into the garden in the afternoon yesterday and work on an area that had been bugging me for a few years.

Fatigue and struggling to breathe properly comes and goes. I find that I am worse after I have been active for a couple of days. Yesterday I felt lightheaded on standing up after bending over or squatting.  It has now been 7 weeks since I first had symptoms of European covid.  I am not a very patient, patient. I did what the experts advised and I should be over this now!  Grumble, grumble.

I achieved what I set out to do yesterday. The area is even more calming to sit in now. I can still see more that needs to be done, of course, in other areas of the garden. A garden is always an ongoing area of work if not planned to be low maintenance.

Do you have a place in your garden where you sit and write or close your eyes and allow your mind to wander off as you described?

My garden is my playground and an extension of me. I lose all sense of time when I am pottering around out there. I think that I have written before that my environment affects me greatly. On days that are very windy or the rainfall is non –stop, leading me to be house bound, I can feel irritated with myself.

I also love sitting outside basking in the silence interrupted only by birds.  This reminds me of an orchestra within the beauty of nature.  I also am able to view some stunning sunsets when from either outside or inside.

Nature is my friend and companion.

I find the subject of the universe fascinating as everything that we know stems from humans. For me there has to be far more. I also believe that we are one of many stars inhabited not by humans as we know them. I have had a few deep discussions about this over the years.

I remember thinking at one stage that life is like a board game and we have no idea what is moving the pieces.

I wish that I was able to close my eyes and allow my dreaming to be a form of meditation. I also have a vivid imagination but my mind is very busy. I really do need to perform tai chi or tai chi gong on a daily basis. It is a blessing for you that you can find that place within yourself where you let go of all that weighs you down.

Human interaction is draining. It is hard work in most instances. I spend less time with others now. I have de cluttered many from my life and feel better for it. I still need some time with people though as in those who are not egotistical and can have an interesting conversation with me. Many do not understand the true meaning of the word conversation sadly.

You mentioned dictation on word. Goodness.  I had not heard of such a thing.

I just discovered that I can use styles!

I went looking for it. No surprise I could not find it. I think that the version I have of Microsoft is antiquated. That is fine. I will leave it be as if I start changing things the whole computer can shut down in protest.

Even though I do not have dictation I talk to myself frequently in particular when out in the garden.

I would like my days to be filled with sun and laughter; my nights to be peaceful and restorative.

This is the case sometimes. Then that is life. We cannot argue with life.

I am missing that hour that I lost.

Ta ta for now

Keep on making dreams

Em and me

Ps    My responding to posts on this thread is a form of writing in itself. As I have mentioned before I have been writing down my thoughts all of my life.

[amd1953]

Greetings Em,

Yes, the garden can be a place of great peace and quiet which, as you know, is my everlasting joy.   A little exercise goes a long way too as long as it isn't overdone to the point of irritating aches and pains.   I am embarrased to admit that I have neglected my garden greatly over the past few years due to the problem with my spine plus the neck damage I received in a car accident a few years ago.   At the moment, it is a bit of a jungle, but I hope to get outside more as the weather here improves.   If I do a little bit at a time then it will, hopefully, have an impact in the end.   I do love being outside when it isn't too hot because I get exhausted when I overheat.   I am guessing that most people do and know what I mean.   Just being out there in the sun with a gentle, cooling breeze on my back lifts my spirits no end.   I know how lucky I am to have this place, but I also know that ownership is only a fleeting experience.   Whatever we own now, we are merely caretakers.

Yes, there are many places in my garden where I sit down for a rest and just absorb the magic of the moment.   I often wish I lived out in the middle of the bush but that is not possible at the moment.   However, I am thankful for what I have now and satisfaction is the key to happiness.   I too have trouble breathing but I am not sure what it might be.   It has only become noticeable during the last few years, so I just keep going and hope it goes away.   It was interesting that you referred to your garden as a playground because I share the same sentiment.   It is a place where you can just go and enjoy nature.   All part of the "staying well" process.   

I'm a bit of an amateur cosmologist myself and always keen to improve my knowledge of the vast unknown.   So much to learn and so little time! 🙂   

I think you could argue with life if you really wanted to but you might find it a one-sided conversation.   It is true that much of what we experience daily is supposedly a random event in time and space.   Interesting when the rest of the universe is held to such precise laws.   If life was a computer simulation, then that would mean someone in the future is pulling our strings.   That might explain many if not all of the chaotic events of my life.   Yes, I agree that human interaction can be very draining especially when you have to endure people who are out to prove that they are so much better than you or simply want to stir you up to get a reaction.   Since discovering these Beyond Blue forums, they have become my oasis in the desert.   Well, the waffle meter alarm has sounded so I guess I should take a rest for now.   I hope that you are as well and as happy as you can possibly be and until we meet again.

BFN

aMD

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd & Em-me

Did I intend to return here to answer Em, about my writing?

I have written a lot over the years, since I was 13. While in awful relationships, I didn't, but would begin again after.

At first, I wrote what the words in my head were, like taking dictation. Sometimes I liked what came out. More often I didn't understand what I had written.

I joined a writers' group, one for people with low vision or blindness.  I gradually became comfortable with the members of this group, & began thinking of them as friends, although there was little contact outside the meetings.

I liked the structure, knowing pretty much what was going to happen, & that there was little socialising & chit-chat, or our facilitator would bring our attention back to the writing. I was a member from the start, up until COVID came along & the majority of us decided to disband. That group lasted 15 years.

We did exercises & learned about how to critique & edit the writing, about how the first draft was to be as 'free' as possible, no critics (inner or otherwise) allowed.

Now, I have not written more than what I've written here on BB. I want to get back into more writing, poetry, short fiction, or whatever way I want. Like when singing, I want no limits. But I have limits, mostly my aching leg/s, back, odd feelings in my feet, which are distracting enough that I can't sit & write for as long as I like, when the 'mood' takes me.

There were a few years when I wrote to get the thoughts & feelings out, to stop them before I could sleep or do other things I needed, to stop the seemingly endless stream repeating. I felt out of control of all my thoughts & feelings, when my 'de-Fences' (as I've just decided to call them), fell down. In that few months, or maybe up to six months, I had that & all my old memories coming up & wanting out, needing expression, but I barely had any language, because I had kept everything so hidden.

There was no rebuilding of my de-Fences.

Writing has always been my best outlet - seems so natural & easy for me.

The character count limit is making me practice editing! (Hehehe)

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

I'm glad to hear that you are interested in writing.   It is a skill universally acceptable to those who enjoy reading the thoughts of others.   I really enjoyed what you wrote, and I see a person passionate about self-expression.   I see a strong connection with read, writing and conversing.   I could have said talking but to me that covers a multitude of sins.   I haven't met too many people who are willing to share what is going on inside their minds.   Perhaps it is that feeling of vulnerability that prevents many from naturally flowing on to the page.   I have read that repressing self expression really inhibits the imagination.   Writers are artists too just as much as those who love to draw, paint and sculpt.   The freedom of the imagination to create and communicate ideas is surely essential to positive mental health.   Instead of keeping things locked up inside, many agree that you have to let them flow without inhibition.   Even if nobody else reads what we have written it is still an activity worth doing.

I hope you continue to find the motivation and inspiration you need to produce what you value the most.

Regards AmD

[Emotions26]

Hello randomxx

I did write that I would reply later to your last post and want to apologise for not doing so.

I find that when I am feeling physically unwell my mind becomes more troublesome which is common sense as mind and body are one.

How are you?

Your desire to touch the paintings does make sense when I think about it as you are a true artist who feels your work emotionally  as well as in a tactile way.

That tells me more about the depth of your passion for your art.

I imagine that you have some incredible pieces. I do hope that you have kept them and not thrown them out in despair.

I also feel that I understand a little more about your need to escape the depths within yourself that you visited and interpreting those moments in art would be so very intense. Perhaps this was what you needed to leave behind the intensity of your emotions; self experienced as opposed to your incredible gift of portraying that on canvas?

I am not trying to convince you to return to something that is unhelpful. I thought that looking back at that experience now as opposed to the most difficult period might be a way of releasing some of the intensity of the memory should you still have any.

Cliffs are a very interesting phenomena of nature. They are well depicted in children's story books as representing danger usually. The same is used in cinematography. In fact they are photographed frequently and highlighted in so many ways.

The height factor that you are drawn to is interesting also.

Your desire to make them higher and higher would if it was me have that exploring that phenomena. A wonderful exercise in depth for me. Queen of the deep should be my title. Keeper of the deep? Hmm something else to occupy my mind.

Cliffs represent risk to me. Does that open up any ideas for you? You are drawn to their appearance and portraying their towering. A child's perspective? As everything is so much taller and can seem never ending in reaching the sky through the eyes of a child.

Do you draw or sketch?

Sorry about so many questions. Just my nature. No pressure to answer any really as I don't want you to feel that you are exposing your deeper side or even more revealing your identity.

You have not written again and I wondered if you like the idea of starting your own post.

I do not know how you can let others with whom you have met know.

MMmekitty whom I call m&m or mmm me and more might be able to help you with that.

I don't even know how you get the attention of a community champion or valued member either.

Just a thought

If I don't hear back from you; thank you for your replies up to now and all the best moving forward.

Em