Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[therising]

HI amd1953

I smile when I consider your carpet situation. I think it's the kid in us that absolutely thrives on a sense of wonder or perhaps some other part/s of us. I was just thinking the other day 'I wonder how it would look if I pulled up all the carpet in the house and polished what I hope would be floorboards underneath in somewhat fair condition'. I wondered, imagined and became quite excited and then the financial manager in me insisted 'You can't afford to wonder about that kind of thing'. Curse the financial manager in me that can be a bit of a kill joy at times but it does serve me well when it comes to having enough money to pay all the bills. Wondering can become a costly experience unless there's a part of us that keeps the reigns on our wonderful self. It does not hurt to give ourself a 'wonder budget' though, where we are free to wonder within reason.

I recall my father once having said 'If all children had it explained to them the origins of different forms of math, they would find math far more fascinating'. He was speaking of what you speak of, some of the philosophy behind it all and how it ties in to the world, to life. I believe he is right. Typically we're taught math in the most boring of ways, without any fascinating back story. Personally, it is in my nature to thrive on certain philosophies but when someone even mentions the word math or says 'What does this equal?' or something along those lines, my brain starts singing 'La, la, la, la, la'. It insists on dancing to a different tune and has always done so, even throughout my school days. Math may have been a different story if it had fascinated me from the very beginning.

I like to believe that life is best experienced somewhere between simple and not so simple. Of course, simple is a preference at times. So, kids have it right to some degree...show up and let things unfold on occasion. And then there are people who show up and complicate it for us. With me being born in 1970, the 70s were a magical time. While they were simple for some people, for other folk the 70s lacked certain life saving medication that's around today and it lacked certain human rights that now thankfully exist. It lacked so much more but still had so much to offer. Today, I believe society's heading to the other extreme, over complicating things. I think this is why I tend to gravitate toward soulful types of things. They're things that speak to the senses. For example, while I have a Kindle, nothing beats an actual book. The compulsion to to open a brand new book and smell the pages always grabs me. The sound of the pages turning, the texture and feel of them against fingertips and the sight of it all can never be truly replaced. If not for the child in me, I would not be excited by a new book. I would not stand laughing in the pouring rain on a hot summers day. I wouldn't feel compelled to touch so many objects, just to sense what they feel like. If not for the kid in me, I would be too sensible for that. I wouldn't do a lot of things I feel compelled to do, while being led by a part of me that insists 'Simply show up and sense what life has to offer'. If I was the only one in the village laughing in the rain while soaked to the skin (while being criticised for it), I'm okay with that. I guarantee I'd be the happiest person in the village 😊

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Every day seems like an hour in the day to me.   They all fly by, and you forget them just as quickly.   I suppose that is way people keep journals so that they can at least look back on something they hold dear to themselves.

I don't really have the patience to do that, as much as I would like to.   My life is one of peace and solitude and not one of excitement or intensity.   To admit to having waited a lifetime for such a scenario would be the understatement of the millennium.   That would be impressive if I had been alive for that length of time.   Ten lifetimes would not be enough to make up for the time I have sadly squandered chasing after fireflies and unicorns.   I have been away with the fairies more often than I probably should have been, but being able to forget reality for any length of time was worth it.   I might even be one, if I stopped to consider it more deeply.   That is where the pot of gold lies, not at the end of that beautiful yet elusive rainbow, but rooted in deepest, darkest corridors of the soul.   Nietzsche lost his mind through attempting to solve the problems of the world.   His greatest mistake was making it public.   If he had been more discreet, then he could have sidled away, and nobody would have been any the wiser.   If anybody ever read my notebooks, heaven forbid, they would think that they had stumbled across the ramblings of a mad man whose idea of the world and reality balanced on a grain of sand.   But time squandered is an asset that will never be realised.   If only we had taken that path rather than this one.   Everything might have been different.   What dreamers we are!   Our heads are in the clouds and our minds are in the deepest thoughts of our souls.   We seize on everything that comes our way and subject it to the harshest scrutiny in order to secure its essence.   We end up by wringing out every last hope of finding what we have been searching for.   If we are lucky, we find what it is.   If not, then we have laboured under a misapprehension.   Fate dictates its own punishment.

amd1953

[amd1953]

Addendum

Shock and horror.   I have detected a spelling mistake in my last post.   Oh, the shame of it!   Off with his head!

I wrote way instead of why on the second line.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

First, I must say you have the most beautiful way of writing. While I once heard a definition of 'the mind' as being 'the brain at work', the way you write has led me to the conclusion that the soul must have a mind of it's own. You write with a sense which I don't believe the brain itself possesses. When writing from the soul, perhaps the brain simply lends its knowledge of the English language. What a relief for the soul, to have a brain that lends itself to expression.

I believe we come into this world with so many abilities to be developed and exercised. Some are incredible, almost magical in the way they work. I wish we were taught from the very beginning how they work. We could work the magic almost effortlessly with the right education. 

• 'How does the imagination work to its fullest extent? What can I do with it? What can I conjure through it?'.
• 'What are feelings about? How do they work? How can I use them as a faithful compass, with them directing me along with no self doubt?'.
• 'How does inner dialogue work? How do I tap into and listen to 'the voice of reason' or 'the voice of intuition?'. How do I master my inner demons, directing them instead of them directing me?'
• 'How do signposts or hints work, in the way of meaningful coincidence or synchronicity etc. How do I easily recognise such things, helping direct my decisions or confirming that I'm on the right path?'

With little to no formal education in regard to such matters, we are not constructively taught how to see through the imagination, hear through inner dialogue, feel our way through life, open our mind to the best directions or follow the guidance life occasionally throws our way (as a hint). Hence the struggle at times. While the Harry Potter books and movies are a bit far fetched, I think their success comes down to a longing 'to go to magic school', to learn the magic that cannot be gained from math, science and things along such lines. While there is a certain type of magic to be found in such subjects, nothing quite beats what's natural (the stuff we were born to know and master).

With that pot of gold, perhaps it's not about discovering the treasure all at once. Maybe it is about finding gold coins, one at a time, with an empty pot given to us to be filled from day one. While your soulful use of language is gold, your imagination is gold, your ability to connect with other soulful people is gold, your pot is definitely far from empty as I imagine it to contain so many other abilities that are not simply gold but magic also.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Thank you so much for your lovely comments in your last post.   They mean the world to me, and I do mean that sincerely.   You also have a way with words and sentiment.   So, in turn, I salute you too.   It is so rare to find another person who is willing to donate some of their time to communicating their thoughts and opinions.  Having someone else offer their worldview is a truly inspiring event because not a lot of people are willing to expose the innerworkings of their mind to public scrutiny.   Most of the people I have encountered during my lifetime have always been very keen to search for flaws and weaknesses which I think is a shame because we are all human and far from perfect.   I have never pretended to be anything than what I already am although I am keen to improve myself in any way I can especially my thought processes.   But as I have grown older and just that little bit wiser, I have learned to accept that there is only so much we can do and that we have to set our own boundaries for our own peace of mind.   I have never gone out of my way to intentionally provoke or harass any other person but that has been something that I have endured for decades.   If it is due to my personality or character, then I am limited in my choice of defence.   I cannot change the way I look which I have often thought is the driving factor when interacting with people.   I am sorry that I do not meet their demands or expectations but then why should that be as it is.   We are the subtle combination of our parents and that trend continues back into historical obscurity.   On forums such as this one, we have the advantage of being able to offer our thoughts, opinions and comments without fear of retribution.   If I am lucky to connect with someone then it is definitely one of those wonderful pots of gold that we discover on our way to wherever we are all going.   Connections are priceless and even more so, our physicality does not enter into it.   We have our anonymity to ensure our safety.

Hopefully, some of what we offer on here goes to help others in similar situations.   Inspiration can be found in the strangest places.   

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

Thank you also for your kind words. I find the forums here to be a soulful place to come at times, where people meet on a different level in life. While they may meet through various levels of suffering or sometimes for a casual chat, there is something special about this place. Perhaps it involves a mutual understanding that in no way do we wish to be judged, instead we wish to be free to express ourself and be raised in the way of our spirits and consciousness. Here is where we come to evolve, individually and together. The amount of care, encouragement and acceptance here is inspiring.

I believe self acceptance to be one of the greatest gifts in life. With it come so many incredible emotions or things to sense, such as a sense of peace, a sense of pride in who we are, a sense of freedom and so much more. Without self acceptance we can live with a sense of torment, worthlessness, sufferance and more. Self acceptance is an incredible thing. What is perhaps even greater is the gift of imagination. While it can create a sense of sufferance at times, it can be the most liberating gift above all else which we have been given to work with. If we can be led to imagine we are more than enough, perfect in being our imperfect self (forever in the process of developing) then we are liberated through our imagination. If we can be led to imagine some of the faults we face are not our own, they belong to others and are theirs to work on, then again we are liberated through imagining we are not riddled with faults and flaws, something we have once believed. There is something truly magical and transformative when it comes to the imagination. If only we knew how to use it to it's fullest potential.

[Emotions26]

Hello to   A Mythical Dragon from 1395

If only

I have been lost in a fog as though absorbed by the words within a story written by a person with an unusual imagination.  Led astray?   Distracted or perhaps wanting, unknowingly to wander off into a different version of my own world.

The rising found a gap and stepped in to fill the void.  A different style of writing which is probably just what you needed.

I am sure that we could have found more to discuss if time had prevailed though.

We are here on the forums to write to who we please and support others as we feel comfortable

These words are for all who pass and choose to pause and read, leave a comment if they so wish

I had not forgotten you A Mythical Dragon only lost myself within the loss of my own words

So do not take this as having anything to do with who you are.  

Life consists of change and change offers movement 

New beginnings does not mean endings though

I am sure that we will connect 

Enjoy all of your writing connections different with each new beginning

Perhaps this is the start of many more new connections for you

I wish you all the best always

As you once wrote to me adieu but not farewell

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Glad to hear from you as always.   Hoping that you are doing as well as you possibly can do.   If you are not, then I send you multitudes if not hordes of newly hatched bluebirds to brighten your way.   We all need time to ourselves sometimes, and I hope that you can find your way through the fog.   As long as I have a healthy pulse rate, breath in my body and a twinkle in my eye, I will always be ready to read your words.   Please take care.

A Masterly Discourse 1953

[therising]

Hi Ems

I hope you don't mind me saying that I have never heard an experience so perfectly conveyed through words, 'I have been lost in a fog as though absorbed by the words within a story written by a person with an unusual imagination. Led astray? Distracted or perhaps wanting, unknowingly to wander off into a different version of my own world'. This is exactly how life feels at times.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

I still have the ability and the motivation to go through my life and pick out the good, the bad and the ugly from it.   I have been doing it for decades and my mind is still sharp enough to even remember names, dates and events.   As lives go, it is no doubt worse than some and better than others.   One thing I am sure of is that if I ever wanted to write my autobiography, not only would it not sell many copies, but it would probably be seen as a work of fiction rather than fact.   I have always thought of myself as very plain and ordinary.   For some reason or other, I have a very long history of not being able to make lasting friendships.   There is just something about me that appears to turn people away.   Fortunately, over time, I have learned to ignore that and live my own life the way that want to live it.   I no longer rely on validation from other people because I know that I will never receive it.   The only person in the world who has the ability to make me happy is me.   Since I retired in 2018, I have been far happier and more contented than I have ever been in my life.   I have lived alone since 2009.   They have been the best years of my life.   This is the final phase of my journey, and I can honestly say that I am not afraid of what lies at the end of it.   The best thing of all is that I am doing it all alone now.   Whatever weird times of the day I wake from sleep, I revel in the thought that there is no one else moving about the house.   Nobody to pick on me or tell me I'm wrong.   No one to argue with and no one to run from.   No arguments, no cold silences.   No sacrifices to make.   No masks to wear.   It is all very positive stuff.   I only have one regret and that is that I didn't run away when I first had the chance.   My cat showed me more affection than any human has ever done.   I think that speaks volumes.

amd1953