I'm new here

[Dwings]

Hi
I'm new here and was recommended to join the forums. I dont know where to start. I'm in my mid 30s, still single, and recently Ive felt so depressed that I can't do anything. Friday just felt like the worst day ever and I haven't been any better since. Its like a whole bomb was dropped on me. My account was overdrawn, I keep getting rejected, people take advantage of me. I feel like there is no way out of this. I felt this way last year and though I could deal with it but it just keeps coming back. I tried making plans and changing but it just keeps failing. Ive had the worst bad luck

[smallwolf]

Part 2...

I got married before the Internet thing took off and so things like online dating etc are more of a curiosity. Or put it this way... friends of my son use such tools. But I am also a person that wants to know how things work etc. Finally I reminded of "The Big Bang Theory" episode where Raj and comic shop guy joined one of these sites. And I understand why such tools came into existence and how they might have morphed into something else.

So a google search for something like "success rate of online dating apps" may give back results different to the marketing you see.

And perhaps then you find your experience is not dissimilar to others and becomes a tool (vs the answer).

If you are single and in times like these with the lockdown that being alone feels greater. Where before you could connect with people at work, when you are at home, the connection is lost. There are other issues with working from home,, but that is a whole different story.

From your story, and others that I have read on the forums here, your experience is not that different to theirs. That is not your fault in any way. Yet it is only when you speak about it and find that out, I can imagine it is easy to look at yourself in negative ways.

Happy to hear this person replied to you as well.

[Dwings]

The lockdown certainly hasnt been easy. I have been feeling stressed frustrated and alone. I do occasionally talk to my good friend who's in the same situation if not a little worse. So putting things in perspective, I guess there are others that feel the same as me.

I look at those studies of dating apps and get mixed reviews. Apparently a lot of good reviews from men who found their other half online, so I'm the unfortunate one that has had no success. There were some that virtually gave up because they were paying for a service that gave them nothing.

I remember having conversations with other people who met their other half through dating apps and they said its worked well for them, they tried to convince me to keep going. Ive kept going but nothing has happened.

I often imagine if I lived my adulthood before online dating and social media what would've happened. I can tell you a great trip I had in my mid 20s. I went all over Europe by myself and after a few days into the trip, I felt so confident and motivated every day, I met so many people face to face. It was great. Best trip I ever had. I built up so much confidence that not long after, when I got back to Aus I met someone and we were in a relationship, although that unfortunately ended in a bad way.

Looking back I wish I had the same confidence and motivation now. Facebook was around then but there wasnt the dating apps today like Tinder, Bumble etc. Social media wasnt that big if I recall

Yes I was glad the hear back from the girl recently but she said she needed to focus on herself which I can understand. Lately Ive been thinking what if I dont hear back from her ? I dont want to think too negative but this has happened to me before.

[smallwolf]

there are a couple of ways to the take the response of "needed to focus on herself" and part of this comes down to honesty and how we see ourselves. Two negative ways are the "she is just saying that" followed by "rejecting me". The other way of looking at it is to say "It is not me, she just wants some alone time".

On alone time... and I am throwing out thoughts here... either you let it go, or send a message at some time to see how she is going? A third option might me to explore with her what alone time means so you get an idea of the parameters or boundaries and work it out from there. In some ways that could be viewed as respecting her.

There is a big difference between meeting people face to face vs online. I think that what a person will say face to face is the very different to online even if etiquette says you should be the same online as in real life. It is also easy to ignore someone online, etc. The current lock downs do not make thing easy either.

What happened in the last relationship? (You do not have to answer if you don't want.) Other than the obvious connection, are there things from the your time overseas that you could adopt now in terms of meeting people or relationships in general?

[Dwings]

Yes I did send her a small message the other day just letting her know that I hope everything is ok and stuff, whether I'll get a reply or not who knows. I wont bombard with her messages. Part of me says to wait patiently and hope she'll reply, whether its a week, 2 weeks or when you're out of lockdown and when things are better. The other part says to try meeting others online but that hasn't really been successful. This girl was so nice to me and I enjoyed the conversations. I felt the same with others but at least she responded and gave me some hope. I mean I hope to meet her face to face if that happens.

Yes I agree with face to face Vs online. I get so nervous when I meet someone in person after chatting online I would get lost on what to say because we've discussed so much online and already filled in the topics. Whereas in person without online, I like discussing topics and asking questions not too personal but just little things like job, studying, favourite things.

Im ok with discussing my last relationship I mean it was a long time ago. We started off alright, connected well for the first few months I was so happy but then things got rocky. We wanted different things, I wanted to travel more, she couldnt. After we broke up she wanted to be friends but that just made it worse. She accused me of things that did not even happen, so I havent spoken to her since. There's been occassions where people have heard from her but I didnt want to know about. Ive moved on with my life, travelled overseas interstate and gone to so many events. But the last few years Ive been wanting to settle down and meet the right one.

Its hard to say what to adopt from those years ago. I guess back then I felt more confident being in another country.

[smallwolf]

On chatting... I get what you mean by meeting a person and not quite knowing what to talk about. A couple of year ago I had a similar experience. It's like everything you knew about the person gets lost in the ether. On the flip side there can be people I know little about where conversation flows easily. Of course it helps if the person you are talking to is also "open".

For example, an elderly gentleman I was chatting with one day...I asked whether he did anything exciting during the week. To which he answered No. So I asked him about what he did and I would be the judge. So he told me and we started chatting about the water colour painting which he has been doing for a few years.

Depending on what you call personal questions, you can sometimes get away with it.

The same gentleman I was talking to above said that he would not take his work home. So I probed a little more about this to find out the reason why. Part of it can be about how you ask the question.

And for what it is worth... I suck at conversations with random people. But there is one person I know who has this ability to talk to anyone.

How is your work going at the moment?

[Dwings]

With conversations face to face, I'm more of a listener than a talker and when I talk my responses usually compliment the conversation, something like "thats good" or thats interesting.

In person I'm a bit hestitant on asking certain questions or keeping the conversation going because I do worry it could be too personal the first time I'm meeting a girl. For instance I dont ask a girl her age but if she does tell me without me asking, I like to make her feel good and tell her "you look younger than that".

I remember I went on a date with a girl a couple years back. We met online and the conversations were good, but when I met her in person she seemed ok but kept talking about negative stuff and I tried to make it positive but didnt work. There was just no connection in person.

Whereas I met this girl years ago in person. She's a friend of a good friend of mine and it was her birthday party. That first meeting was great, she was so nice, complimented everything, had that bubbly personality. I knew I wanted to see this girl again so I asked my good friend for her number who was quite happy to set us up. I met her friend again in person and it was so great. I had a such a great night talking to her and she was so nice to me.

Unfortunately she lives in another state and I dont know if she felt the same as me. Although there was another opportunity when I went to her city but she was overseas at the time.

Work has been ok, bit average really. Its the same every day. I cant get motivated. I try to be positive about it but nothing changes. Although there were some better moments when I talked to a couple of girls there.The other thing was I got told by my boss about a possible pay increase, which would normally make me feel good but it didnt at all. I dont know why this didnt change my mood, probably because either my workload isnt going to change or I still feel empty, being single and alone.

[smallwolf]

On the pay raise... Depending on what is going on with in your life it can be a positive or viewed negatively. Getting a raise is good yet can be viewed in other ways if there are other things going on.

On asking personal questions... Yes asking about their age may not be appropriate. However that doesn't necessarily mean you can't ask questions. Something you might see as personal they may not and vice versa. You can also tell them they don't have to answer the question. Or ask permission first. Of course there is a boundary. Or something they say may have resonance with something in your life? And being a good listener is gold!

[Dwings]

I suppose getting a pay rise is a blessing given the last 12 months where I was in a bad position financially. If I got upset or stressed with something, I tend to go out drinking and lose control of what I was spending. One particular time happened around September and I'm not proud of what I did. I felt lonely and upset and then there was sadness in the family. I recovered a little bit but I still cant forget that time. I have learned from that and tried to be more aware and be more in control.

And as sad and tough as it is being in lockdown, in some ways its a positive, given I'm not going out spending money and not spending money on travelling. I do hope I dont make the same mistake as last September once we're out of lockdown

Since your last post, can I tell that my friend online has been in touch with me and she's in a much better place. We've had good conversations, like we did when we first started talking so I feel really good thats she's talking to me and the signs are looking great.

I want to thank you for your advise on sending her a follow up message. If I didnt come here for advise, I wouldve assumed the worse and gave up. For some reason in the back of my mind, I didnt want to give up on this girl. She was so glad that we talked again. For her to say that makes me feel so positive inside.

[Dwings]

I wasnt sure if I should post here or not but the past few days have really been stressful. I have hardly slept because I have so much on my mind I dont know what to do. The work I'm doing from home for some reason has been more stressful than going into the office, perhaps because I miss my collegues or I have been in the same spot for several weeks and I usually take time away from home but obviously cannot because of the lockdown.

I usually have a distraction in communicating with the girl but I have this horrible feeling that she may not be interested with me anymore. We had good conversations and decided to video call each other, because we could not meet up in person, but after that the online conversations became less and less and perhaps she saw me different in the video call. I felt so nervous and didnt say too much but I'm the type of person that doesn't show emotions until I really feel comfortable talking to a person face to face.

I'm worried that I will get ghosted again and slip back to where I was before, blame myself and accept that I'm not good enough for anybody and have plenty of regrets.

Am I overthinking this too much because of whats happened in the past?