I have nothing left

[NothingLeft79]

hi I’m not sure where else to go. I’m a 41 year old male. Both parents have died of cancer, my sister is still a drug addict who’s children now take the drug aged 13 & 17. I was a weekly recreational drug user for a long time but after my dad died slowly I used it 3-4 times a week to relieve the pain. I met my wife who was a daily user, we cleaned up, moved away and her daughter started calling me dad. 10 years together and at the start we struggled to get clean. Eventually we did and I wiped all out debts and bought what I thought would make us happy. I went into 40k debt on holidays wedding honeymoon furniture car bike etc. I become a manager of production which I’m very proud of.
eventually my ex turned back to drugs and i started slipping too, I told her if she gets it again I’m leaving. This happened 10+ times. so she destroyed us and Lied about me to cover her tracks. Depression hit me again and I got anti-depressants.

I moved interstate as rumours came back to me and I knew it would end bad if I stayed.
now I’m interstate alone and no contact with my daughter. I’ve taken a 40k per year pay cut and I’ve just declared bankrupt. My ex kept everything I owned and I can’t afford to go to court to fight it.
now I have found a large lump under my collarbone and I feel pain radiating from it and I’m too scared to get it looked at.

I’m never happy, I fake laughter and pretend to be the man, making jokes of my own life as if it has no effect on me. I recently began drinking alcohol and getting into fights which is highly unlike me. This lead to relapses on drugs. I’ve now quit everything but I feel numb and deeply unlovable. I feel like a burden to all that I meet. Anti deps ruined my sex drive so dating isn’t an option.
I feel like the walls of life are closing in on me with an internal sense of impending doom lingering around my heart and I can’t deal with a diagnosis of cancer.

I am sick of pretending I’m ok.

I have nothing left.

[Sophie_M]

Hi NothingLeft79,
  Welcome to our friendly online community. We are grateful that you have reached out here today as we know it can be tough to do this for the first time. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling that you have nothing left. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming, it sounds as though you have been going through a lot and we think you are so strong. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. Hopefully a few of our community members will pop by and offer you some words of kindness and advice. 

We would urge you to reach our for some support. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/
It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​ You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/
Or you might be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope

Thanks again for reaching out to us here. Please feel free to keep us updated here whenever you feel up to it.

[NothingLeft79]

Thanks for the links.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I have not endured 1/2 of what you have been through. I have a good grasp of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations so that feelin you spoke of with the walls closing in on you I am familar with.

There was a time when my GP and I were trying to rule out medical causes of what I was feeling. Anyway, my PSA was elevated and was referred an specialist. Another test and elevated again. Did an ultrasound and MRI and nothing stood out. And then I had to do another test. If the results were high again, they would do a biopsy. Luckily it was better than expected. However the wait betwen the test and results was not ideal. The specialist said to try to compartmentalise it.

Whether the lump under your collarbone is benign or not... without checking there can be that lingering thoughts. Yet if you see a GP you will get some answer. And if you are like me the depression will make you think the worst case scenario? What would you suggest to a friend?

I am here and will listen to you.

[Guest_1643]

Hey

I'm sorry to here the pain you're going through. I'm am here for you if you can write more. Your wife took the $ but not your dignity, I can see in your writing you have a lot of integrity

[geoff]

Hello NothingLeft, a courageous effort in posting your comment and from you've told us my heart drops for you from what you have and are still trying to cope with is certainly enormous.

Your ex took everything from you, and whether or not she still owns them or used them for her drug addiction is not for me to say, but it has left you in bankruptcy which I am so sorry for.

Can I suggest your doctor review your medication and tell them why you are asking, also ask them about a medication which stops the craving to take drugs and/or consume alcohol, these combined with counselling could be the answer you're looking for.

We understand how you are also thinking about the lump under your collarbone and realise how worried you are, but it's better for a doctor to tell you now, rather than in a few months time.

You have so much to cope with but let us try and help you now.

Take care.

Geoff.

[NothingLeft79]

Thanks. I have had a scan and nothing showed up. It could be a sport injury as I broke some ribs and had a Torn muscle in my chest playing football last year.
you are right, the depression is making me think worst case scenario.

not only would I tell a friend to get it checked out I’d make the appointment and encourage them to go so I’ll book in this week. Thanks

[NothingLeft79]

Thanks for your feedback I’m going to try councilling ASAP