Hi everybody

[RavenGirl]

Hello

I'm not so sure if I'm comfortable posting many details here but here goes. I've been a supporter for my partner for a while. We have a history, we've known each other since he came to Australia 15 years ago (yeah long time lol). We did date 9 years ago, we broke up and we got back together last year and he revealed that he broke up with me because he had depression and anxiety that was undiagnosed. What I am looking for is some kind of help really. Everything is going well but I want to help him out without feeling like I'm controlling or forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I remember when I had a meltdown a few weeks ago because I was frustrated and he revealed that he had a bad case of depression that he shut everyone out and was in a bad place. I want to help him and so far just being there is okay but I am scared he will get in that dark place again. He has been brave and strong for me when, three weeks ago, my friend died and he took me to the funeral which is a big step and has taken care of me. I want to pay him back though, I want him to just know I'm there and there is nothing to worry about.

I'm not good with introductions so umm, yeah. I guess if you want to chat well, I'm here?

[RavenGirl]

Hey White Rose

There are times he doesn't talk much and times he talks like I guess, normal. He works night shift while I work during the day and sometimes do split shifts. We do have times together though before either one of us go to work.

My partner used to go to gym but due to workload and what's been going on he had to cancel it. A lot of the times he likes playing computer games or going out to eat for lunch when it is just the two of us. There was one time I snapped and that's when he told me he was in a bad place with his thoughts and needs my support seeking help. Mind you, it was around this time I lost my friend and aunt but at that time my partner has priority as at least I can be there to help him.

We don't live together and that gives the both of us space. we have spoken about moving in but at the moment we're just taking it one day at a time. I have stayed over for overnight and it was nice and relaxing. We both have the same goal of being their for one another and also helping our friend who has extreme anxiety. My partner says he wishes our friend could talk to him because he knows what it is like to go through it but our friend doesn't want to burden anyone. I'll be picking him up in an hour so we can go to my partner's for a game so we will see how it goes. I'm trying to read as much as i can to help him as well. What use would I be, after all, if I am uneducated on such things?

[RavenGirl]

Well will be visiting friend then partner. I hope my knowledge can be used in a practical way today. Just hope I don't make things worse :s Fingers crossed

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Just thought I might be able to give you some hints as a partner, from someone with "issues"...

If they go silent or don't look happy ask them if they are ok.

Remind them that you love and care for them. I read somewhere that someone would keep saying this until the other person responded. Play that by ear.

Remind them about their distraction tools. For me that is deep breathing and getting away from the source of the pain.

most importantly, know and recognise the signals and what works for them.

[RavenGirl]

Hey small wolf

Thank you for the advice. I did talk to my partner at the beginning what the triggers may be, like if he was in an uncomfortable situation he would want to be left alone for a bit. I also recognised that when something goes wrong in his eyes or if he feels like a huge surge of relief he would break down. We don't live together so the only time I can actually know is when we are together

He went to his appointment and his shrink suggested taking some time away from his phone and just relaxing and enjoying his games and also have some me time. Similar to what my own shrink told me except she said I need to be kinder to myself and that the death of my friend isn't my fault.

I asked my friend about his triggers and he said he isn't sure but he got triggers in his last job and is always afraid of screwing up. Apart from anxiety and depression he might also have OCD or so his doctor said. I'm hoping he spoke to my partner a bit on their lads night. Would make things easier for the two of them.

[smallwolf]

On triggers, and this works for me... what were/are you doing it happens. Example only...

For example, certain emails will or work situations will send me into the RED zone. And even if that actual event is not the trigger, then something related to that event pushes you/me/him over the edge (so to speak). It could be just a word or even the lack of a word.

There are also web sites to help you identify anxiety triggers. Sometimes getting prompted allows us to consider the scenarios that cause anxiety, such as thinking about the future, or failure, or saying something wrong.

If you are able to identify the triggers then you have a chance of working out ways of dealing with the problem(s).

Again for and the email problem... be able to turn off notifications on my phone was a game changer. Unfortunately, now I get a number on the top right that tells me how many unread emails there are. Identifying the trigger is the easy part (I think). The hard work begins then with working out coping mechanisms and then using those tools when anxiety hits. And that takes practice.

If you and your friends have a way of talking periodically (at a coffee shop?) that can also be used as a coping mechanism - the act of talking, and enjoying each others company, distracts from the things that get you down. You could even share coping tools?

[White_Rose]

Hello Raven Girl

It looks like you are getting a bit of a handle on what bothers you and understanding what bothers your BF. As Smallwolf has said, once you get to know your triggers it is easier to work on ways to manage them. I have found at times that knowing something is likely to upset me I avoid that situation. One example is TV, or rather some of the programs. If I feel a bit vulnerable I avoid watching them but when I am feeling well I do watch and give myself a pat on the back for not getting upset.

I think when we can see we are coping better it is such a boost. No one likes feeling bad which makes managing something a real victory.

Taking time away from our phones is good. I think we use them too much in many ways, emails being one of them. Having said that I have discovered in the past week how frustrating it is not to read my emails on my phone. For some reason I cannot receive my emails although I can send them. Several people have tried to fix it for me but to no avail. I am going to bite the bullet and contact my service provider. This is a trigger for me because I am invariably waiting for someone to talk to me even after going through the if you want this press one etc. Not a good idea to speak to me for a while after one of those phone calls. 😊

It's really good you and your BF are talking with your friend. Although you are writing on BB and do not get an immediate answer, it is somewhere to express to safely express your feelings. Chatting together is helpful as none of you feel alone with your difficulty and that is a huge thing. We do not want to talk to everyone about what is happening in our lives so having several people who know how it is, is good for us.

Mary