Hi everybody

[RavenGirl]

Hello

I'm not so sure if I'm comfortable posting many details here but here goes. I've been a supporter for my partner for a while. We have a history, we've known each other since he came to Australia 15 years ago (yeah long time lol). We did date 9 years ago, we broke up and we got back together last year and he revealed that he broke up with me because he had depression and anxiety that was undiagnosed. What I am looking for is some kind of help really. Everything is going well but I want to help him out without feeling like I'm controlling or forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I remember when I had a meltdown a few weeks ago because I was frustrated and he revealed that he had a bad case of depression that he shut everyone out and was in a bad place. I want to help him and so far just being there is okay but I am scared he will get in that dark place again. He has been brave and strong for me when, three weeks ago, my friend died and he took me to the funeral which is a big step and has taken care of me. I want to pay him back though, I want him to just know I'm there and there is nothing to worry about.

I'm not good with introductions so umm, yeah. I guess if you want to chat well, I'm here?

[White_Rose]

Dear Raven Girl

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you stay and talk with us. It can be difficult to start a conversation because it is not like talking face to face. This is a safe place to ask for help and information.

People with depression commonly feel they are not good enough for their spouse/GF/BF/partner etc. Some simply leave the relationship while others leave for a short time or stay and try to recover with the help of their family or partner. It is a shame leaving happens because often the best support comes from a partner. You want some help to understand what is happening for your partner and how you can help.

Beyond Blue has a large library of information. Go to the blue tabs at the top of the page and hover over The Facts. Follow the prompts to the information. You can download single fact sheets or send for any booklets you want. All free of charge. There is information specifically for friends and family and I think some Carer information, though I'm not sure about this last one.

That will give the information which I think will help. The other suggestion I have is for you to go to the Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) forum a bit further down the list of forums. There are conversations happening there you may like to join in. Or you can simply read what others have said. You can also start your own thread. It's good to introduce yourself here but we get lots of new people posting in for the first time and your post may well get lost. Going to the carers forum will attract others with similar experiences to you. It's great to know you are not alone.

Has your partner gone to his doctor? Does he receive any counselling at all or medication. If not it would be worthwhile for him to get checked out and start the ball rolling towards getting well.

It is amazing how someone in a dark place can rouse themselves to help someone else. It is usually short lived but oh so welcome. You need to look after your own mental health (MH). Part of it is the ordinary things of life like a good diet for both of you. Exercise is also good for both of you. These simple, everyday activities can really help. What about any hobbies or activities you or your partner enjoy. Doing something enjoyable is not only good at the time but also affects the depression in a positive way.

I hope this helps. Please continue to post in and if you start another thread, leave a note here for me to follow.

Mary

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

It's nice that you want to be there for your partner. I think the main thing or best thing you can do is let your partner know that you care and want to help. That said, as someone who has anxiety and depression I might not tell you everything in case I think I am putting a burden on you. I think my wife has enough to deal with, without my problens. Then again I need to remind myself that we are a couple and should act as one, a union. Communication is important.

Secondly, if you have not already looked, there are resources on beyond blue for partners and carers. You might get additional information there.

Finally, as a carer and partner, you also have to look after yourself. My wife was assisting someone recently with work related issues (not me) and it can have an effect on you as well. In terms of tears, frustration, anger. Not at the person you are helping, but at things that causes or caused the problems. So it is important that you also look after yourself.

If you also want to ask me or us questions, feel free to do so. Will answer as honestly as possible.

By the way, the introduction was fine.

[RavenGirl]

Hey White Rose

Yes my partner went to the doctor and has his meds increased and is seeing a psychologist. He was nervous because first time going to see a psychologist especially a man one because he heard of experience from a workmate who had a man psychologist that told the workmate to 'man up'. The session went well and he has another one soon. I hope it goes well and I have no intention to leave. He only asks that I be patient. He manages his own medication and all those but when the moods hit, which is whenever there is pressure on him that is when I worry. One time there was immense pressure he had to see a doctor because it was that bad. As for diet he is lactose intolerant so keeping an eye on what he can eat and not eat is important. Exercise, well he does that at work.

It was a big thing for him to help me. I let him know that I appreciate what he has done. For his birthday I asked what he wanted and I gave it to him and he appreciated it.

I don't want him to feel that he is a burden to me. He never will be. I want to do what I can to show he is supported. How does one be patient and help at the same time though?

[RavenGirl]

Hi small wolf

Thank you for your honesty about my introduction. That was the same thing that mine and my partner's friend told us. He confessed his anxiety has been on an all time high and he doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't want to be a burden. I told him because my partner who is also his friend also has anxiety it might be best to talk to him about it as I don't know what it is like to have diagnosed anxiety. I did tell him that I can do my best to listen and give advice if he wants but me being a woman as well I don't know if he feels comfortable about that.

I've looked at some of the resources I should probably read them thoroughly. I've been trying to take care of myself by working. I lost a friend and aunt three weeks ago in a space of three days so I've had a hard time and my partner was there for me even though he has problems of his own. I will admit I need to take care of myself as well. I've been working after grieving and at times I just break down because the death of my friend has affected me a lot. I'm coping better though.

Thank you though although I do have a question: How do you get the courage to tell your partner something is wrong? How do you tell and when?

[smallwolf]

There are two occasions...

Firstly, my wife knew something was not right based on how I was acting. I was very down. But I did not tell her how I was feeling. The next day, after the kids had gone to school and wife had gone to work, that was when I collapsed mentally. And I called my Mum. In that phone call, I found out that my dad had been on anti-depressants, among other things. At that point, I could have been suicidal. So I made an appointment to see a GP who then referred to me to a psych for 2nd opinion. In this time I also found out that depression can be hereditary. During this time I was telling my wife about the next step. But nothing in great detail. (That comes later.) The end result of this was I got a mental health plan from my GP. This was in Oct 2017.

Sometime in Jan 2018, my wife "A" and I were invited to a party. Things were happening at work which were getting the better of me. I was going downhill. Also note that my psych also needs holidays so it was fair time between the previous visit and this occasion. My wife went to the party and I did not. After my wife returned home, I asked/told her whether we could have coffee tomorrow. I said that we needed to have a chat about how I was feeling and why I did not go to the party with her. Actually, I think she said that I should have gone with her. My reason for having a coffee in public was for two reasons. Firstly, the kids would not hear what I had to say. And secondly, no distractions like there would be at home. So we had coffee out.

The next day I met "A" at the shops after I had been to church - business I had to attend to. After sitting down at the table, there was the initial awkward silence as I tried to get my thoughts together. But then I asked "Do you REALLY know what anxiety and depression is?". All she could do was shake her head. At that point, I began to explain the physical symptoms and not so physical and the 10000 things that run through my mind daily. I also told her she could read the documents on BB here for more information. I also said that it is hard to tell her on a daily basis what I am feeling. (I shed a tear writing this because I can still see the tears rolling down her cheeks as I explained it all! She was not a blubbering mess but...)

My wife "participates" in some of the homework I have to do. A recent one was "finding fun activities". She is aware of the meditation, and other things my psych wants me to do. 48 chars left 😞

[smallwolf]

A know of some other people who are friends on my wife, or who I know, and maybe because of my experiences "A" has been helping them in their time of need. I prompt her ("A") what things can be done to lighten the load of anxiety and depression, which are essentially distraction exercises. I believe that anxiety and depression are not things that can fixed by the individual.A psych can provide you with the tools to get better, but then it also takes a community effort between sessions. So that if the individual is feeling down, someone can help pick them up, in a figurative sense. I also have weekly (if possible) coffee break when I can rant to someone else about things affecting me.

At the end of the day (I hate that cliche!) I had three options... (1) remain in the status quo or (2) work fixes the mess they put me in or (3) QUIT!

There are many ways option (3) can be interpreted, and all of which were probably considered. There is a 4th option which is a plan B (career change?). In reality option (1) and (3) were not satisfactory. I believe that my health was/is more important than work. And if you really look at possibilities in option (3), all that does is transfer the pain onto others. Instead, my choice was to cry out for help, which is working out... slowly but surely.

(Final point... my first words to Mum were "I cannot cope. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do". And then I started crying. I am lucky that I have a supportive family, even if my mind hates myself sometimes. I am telling you this, because some people might try to do it all on their own, or not know what to do or where to turn to help. I could no longer stand the pain and my decision was to seek help.)

I hope that I did not tell you too much. But had to write it all out, so that you might understand where the "courage" comes from. I owed it to my wife to tell her what was going on.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smallwolf

What a courageous post. Thank you for sharing with Raven Girl, me because I am reading your post and all those who read this post. You do need to have been there to fully understand what goes on in someone's head, but when partners/wives love their spouse they are more able to see and understand the effect. Clearly your wife loves you and will support you.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Raven Girl

It's good your partner is receiving help. Seeing a psychologist is a positive step. Your partner's workmate was no doubt put off by the psychologist's remark. Generally psychologists do not say make these remarks because it is not helpful and anyone going to a psychologist is doing their best to get well, even though it takes a while. So pleased your partner had a good introduction and feels more comfortable.

Just to clarify, I was commenting that the person with depression often feels like a burden to others and sometimes wants to leave to avoid being a burden. Sorry I did not make this clear. I am certain you are being supportive to him at all times.

Please accept my condolences on the death of your friend and your aunt. It's hard to realise that someone we care about has gone and we will never see these people again. Grief will pass though at the moment it seems so overwhelming. When you become upset try not to fight it but sit and let it wash over you. It does hurt I know but this way you are accepting your loss and starting to let go of your grief. It will take time before you can remember them without hurting.

Have you thought of gathering other friends of you and your friend together to talk about about the person has gone? When a friend of mine died many years ago we all got together and talked about her and how she had fitted into our lives. It was a bit sad but was also a celebration of her life. We talked and laughed and sighed and everyone felt much better for acknowledging her passing.

I can relate to Smallwolf's comment "I cannot cope. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do" I think when we can admit that, we are starting the journey to getting well. So do not get too upset if your partner says something on these lines. Keep him company and let him talk. Let him know you are there, that you care. I am sure you have already done this.

When someone needs a special diet they do tend to eat well. I understand your partner is getting enough exercise at work but sometimes it's nice to go for a walk together and simply be together. You asked how you can be patient and helpful at the same time. Ask your partner what he would like you to do. Would he like you to listen or talk about what's happening? Are there times when he simply doesn't want to talk. It can be tiring. Really all you can do is be with him and take your cue from him. Also remember you will sometimes get it wrong. Be patient with yourself.

Mary

[RavenGirl]

Hey Small Wolf

You're very brave for telling me this. I have tried to read some material but it's a lot to take in but I am not giving up. I only have a little inkling of what it's like. My partner has had meltdowns and he stresses out. We don't live together at the moment but we've been talking about it as it might help him but I just said whenever he is ready. I'll let him talk and let him do what he wants. He's a good man and I love that he has been patient. He does have meltdowns when he feels something doesn't go right and when I am there I just let him hold me but if his nieces and nephew are there I encourage them to hug him. His family, well, whether they do have or not they are very supportive of him and help him out when need be. He feels happy when he is with his family and enjoys playing games with his nephew as well.


His first breakdown was when he adopted a dog and had to return her because she was dog reactive and got attacked by next door. He didn't know she would be dog reactive, the RSPCA didn't tell him. Even when he walked her a dog burst out from the gates of it's home and she reacted and I had to get him out of the situation because he was going to have a meltdown and he did. I calmed him down and said it wasn't his fault and gathered the nieces around and they hugged him. They help him a lot and I am grateful because even at such a young age they know what he needs.