Newbie..in need of support

[Elmo2000]

I don't really know how to start

i had a severe depression from about age 12-16 and have had some pretty bad lows. I think most people would consider me "recovered" now and I think for the most part I am but I still don't feel right. During my depression I isolated myself and cut off contact with all my friends. I had dropped out of school by the end of year 8 and didn't get back to any sort of education until year 10 going to a Flexi program where I'd made a couple of friends but left because I was in an outpatient program for 6 months then when I returned to school they said I ditched them and they didn't talk to me so I had no friends again. I'm now nearly 18 and done with school but I still can't make friends. I dont even know how to anymore. I feel like a loser and lonely but then at the same time I convince myself that people suck and I'm the lucky one and then I feel like a lonely loser again etc, etc. I'm afraid if people knew me like really knew me they wouldn't like me. I'm afraid to open up. I'm afraid of trusting and I'm afraid that I'm just gonna ghost them in the end like I always do. I have a partner and we've been together since I was 16 and see each other whenever we can but he's the same as me he doesn't have any friends at the moment but for different reasons. I think i take comfort in him a lot. Like he's both my partner my friends and my caregiver so when I start feeling like I'm pathetic it's not so bad cause we're like that together. I've not had any other meaningful friendship/relationship with anybody other than him since I was a kid.

i guess the point is that my depression at one point was very obvious and it was very strong and It was debilitating my life but now I'm studying and doing things and everyone including my partner thinks I'm really happy but I'm not. I feel numb and empty inside most days and my main issue is this inner crisis I'm having about friends. Are they just overrated anyway? Am I just making a mountain out of a pebble?

Anyway id appreciate some support and I will show support to you guys as I go through the forums

[Jacko777]

Hi Elmo2000,

I think you have a great opportunity to change how you feel about this, I think this is only a crisis if YOU think it is and with time and possibly help, you can make some positive change.

You have thought a lot about the past and maybe now it is time to look to the future so that you can decide where to best put your attention in the present. Why not give someone the opportunity to 'really know you', what if you like each other, it could be awesome! And if they don't like you, let it go, don't worry about it, don't take it as a reflection of you, it's just, differences. It all takes practice to feel that way I guess, I have suffered from trust issues and it has taken time and help to feel that I can trust anyone until I know otherwise. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, as they say.

Moving forward with your goals and passions is a great way to meet like minded people, no pressure, you might make friends, you might not. The important thing I think is that you can open up when you want, you can trust when you want, know that you are NOT a loser, know who you are and be proud of your self. Keep focused on the positive things in your life, stay filled with love.

All the best, Jack.

[Quercus]

Hi again Elmo 😊

I knew your username rang a bell! Thanks for starting a thread. I hope you can keep writing... There is a lot of support and encouragment to be found here.

I understand what you mean about ghosting friends and them getting upset. I find myself in a similar place sometimes and end up pushing people away because I am unwell and just don't feel like I have anything to give.

It doesn't make you a loser. And it doesn't make you any less deserving of having friends.

I've found setting boundaries and being open from the start has helped me. Why start out in a way you cannot maintain? Just say it as it is. If you don't live on your phone tell them so (ie don't expect me to reply to every text in 5 mins... Realistically 6 hours or more is more like me. I am pretty blunt and luckiky have really lovely friends now who accept me as I am.

Give and take. Like on the forums it is not your job to give endlessly. You care for them but they should also care for you. It is ok to admit you feel crap.

I hope you can come back and write...

Nat