Going to try this....

[Pinkgiraffe]

Hello everyone, I have had an account here for ages but have never used it, so now is the time. I am 49 years old and live with my partner of four years who has been the most amazing gift of love and support. My previous diagnosis was on Complex PTSD (years ago) and for many years I was able to go without medication but have recently gone back on. I receive good counselling but I don't know if I still fall under that diagnostic category - right now I feel a great numbness and lots of various anxiety issues. I also have a chronic illness so have been isolating from COVID since March.

'm hoping to reach out to people on here, listen as well as be able to share my stories and I think I really need to begin to talk more to people about both my situation and support other people (which always feels like I am doing something productive). I could go on for ages about my situation - my biggest issue right now is that my brain is not working as it used to. Not sure yet whether it is depression, my chronic condition or something else, but I work in academia and I am currently unable to function the way I am meant to when working in a University setting. It is a long story but I'm hoping people here may be able to give me some words of kindness and wisdom. Thanks for listening.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Pinkgiraffe,

A warm welcome to the BB posts.

I'm also medicated and experience numbness and don't function the same as I used to. From my experience it sounds like symptoms of the drugs. Since being on them I've not felt like myself which might be the same as you. Something to consider anyway.

You could always get another opinion on your diagnosis?

I'm actually booked in to see a new psychiatrist next month.

Or if you're feeling like you don't have the symptoms of Complex PTSD trust that.

I'm happy to hear you have such a loving and supportive partner- a blessing.

💜

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue. We all have different stories to tell and all have something valuable to say. I have found that talk therapy has been helpful for me as well as writing here. I do not have time just at the minute, but I will share some of my experiences with you at a later date. In the meantime I will listen to your story.

Tim

[geoff]

Hello Pinkgiraffe, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Each one of us has our type of depression but there is a common trend, it consumes us with loss of energy and how we are feeling, all in different levels of not being able to function, and I say this, only from experience and not as a doctor. but every person who reads this or has joined understands.

If you want to come back and explain a little more about your uni settings, then we can assist you with our experience.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Pinkgiraffe]

Thank you for your reply. I am about to have a phone appointment with my GP so I will mention the possible issue with the medication today. I've also been having increasingly bad migraines, so they could also be a part of the reason.

[Pinkgiraffe]

Hi Geoff and thanks. I have a long story but after dealing with a DV situation I started Uni many years ago, first few months my daughter and I were couch surfing and eventually got into public housing. I ended up doing really well at uni, and eventually finished a PhD a couple of years ago. I'd worked really hard to get myself out of some bad situations, moved to another city, started a full time post doc and after many years of being alone started a new relationship. But sadly two years ago my feelings of anxiety crept back - I left the post doc role and decided I was going to work part time and pursue some creative ideas which assist me emotionally. This year with Covid hitting, I am struggling with doing any academic work. I can't seem to be as intellectually on top of what I used to, and only work two days a week at home. After all the work I have done, I now get paid to occasionally write and collect resources for the uni. But I also just don't have the passion I used to anymore and can't conjure it up. In some ways Covid just brings out more of my reclusive nature, but due to the other chronic stuff I don't leave the house and also feel too tired to engage with most people over the phone or net. I thought if I got back on here it might help and stop me from shutting everything in my life down.

[monkey_magic]

Morning Pinkgiraffe,

I also get migraines. It's started after taking meds.

Hope that helps.

Good luck with your GP appointment, hope it goes well.

💜

[pinwheel23]

Hi Pinkgiraffe (love the username by the way),

The Covid situation has definitely appealed to my introverted nature and has had me barely interacting with people as I would usually. So I just wanted to say that you've done a great job reaching out here. We're all here to listen and support you.

It sounds like you've achieved a lot over the years. You should be proud of all that you've done in addition to the work you continue to do 🙂

It can be kinda frustrating when you don't feel passionate about something that used to be a big part in your life. I'm not too sure about whether it's something that can be brought back without it coming to you naturally. Perhaps passively attempting to work on something might help? Trying not to put too much pressure on yourself to perform to your previous standards (although that can be really difficult).

I look forward to hearing more of your story

Take care,
pinwheel23

[InhaleExhale]

Hey Pinkgiraffe,

Welcome, I hope these forums are helping to stop you from shutting down. I think the anonymous nature is so helpful for people to reveal their true feelings when talking face-to-face is too difficult.

I use creativity too as a mental health buffer. I wonder what it is that you are interested in?

Completing a PhD is a phenomenal achievement. It sounds like you have been through huge struggles in the past, let this give you hope that you can do it again, even with covid getting in the way.

InhaleExhale.

[Pinkgiraffe]

Thanks Pinwheel23 and InhaleExhale. Last year when I left my Post Doc I decided I was going to get into painting and drawing, as well as do freelance writing. I went through a period of really loving all of that and now I still enjoy it but am not doing it as much as I was beforehand. I have many great thing in my life which I am doing my best to hold on to and remind myself of those things daily. I recognise so many people are not in as good a situation as me, so I hope I can help others as well on here :0)