Can crying be a sign of strength and not weakness.?

[quirkywords]

Something happened to me recently which inspired this thread.

I was preparing an event with a group of people I had known for a little time when I accidentally broke a full length mirror.

My first reaction was to be startled and then cry as it triggered me and it was so unexpected. Instead of people seeing if I was ok, they commented that I was weak because I was crying, they whispered that they were amazed that an adult would cry over such a small thing. Someone told me they thought I was stronger and disappointed I cried.

After a few minutes I was fine but sad my crying was seen as a sign of immaturity and not being strong.

So I want to know if you have experienced people reacting when you cry..?

I am someone who didn’t cry much as a child but now in my senior years I can get teary quite easily which I accept.

I am surprised at what happened to me and now wonder if those people will see me differently.

Do you think most people see tears as weakness. .?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Quirky

I can really relate to your experience of crying more as you move through the later stages of life, as this has also been my experience.

This may sound strange but allowing myself time to actually feel things and cry is a new luxury as I head towards sixty.

I feel like the last thirty five years of my life have been a blur between career, marriage and motherhood responsibilities, and I’ve been too busy to feel or grieve anything properly.

So much has been hidden away. Buried deep. Because there was always a deadline to meet, a meal to cook or a child to attend to.

When I became a carer for a young teen with OCD everything intensified. I was on a never ending roller coaster with no way to get off. And I was expected to be the strong one, for my girl and to get our family through it.

So, I didn’t cry. Too busy and too afraid of what would happen if I started. Not sure that makes me strong but it was how I survived.

These days I have more time to reflect and experience feelings. I give myself permission to cry. Just looking at an old photo of a departed loved one can reduce me to tears. And you know what? It feels good.

Kind thoughts to you

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky,

Wow! The the only people I see as worth being disappointed in are the group of people who judged you so harshly!! That shocked me completely.

I'm not surprised the mirror set off tears or that you feel teary more often. In the last few years especially you've had so many emotional experiences.

The fire, fear and loss, births to rejoice in, deaths to grieve, lockdown and upheaval and anxiety galore... it is a huge amount of emotion to contain. Why should you feel ashamed?!

Even if none of those events had happened there are always feelings we have inside that no-one knows about. Sometimes the strangest things trigger a meltdown in me too.

The other day I was a mess just because I couldn't figure out something on the computer. It had nothing to do with the computer. I felt embarrassed too though. Why should we though?

Just wanted to say I know that you're strong. I find unfortunately people judge as they will until it happens to them. All we can do is pity their lack of empathy and keep our heads up.

[quirkywords]

meMekitty

Thanks for your post.

Fear is fear pain is pain

Crying is my go to not my default, I would like it to be my default but it happens spontaneously.

Tony I read that helpful post and was nodding as I read it. Thanks.

Thanks Summer Rose for you your thoughtful reply.
I like you give yourself permission to cry.

Quercus

yiu are such a wonderful person.
Yes I will not judge myself because others do but I will feel sorry for people who have no empathy.
Deep down I know I have come through a lot in past 2 years and I am proud. I know have a long way to go.

[quirkywords]

A question

Do you think the gender difference between expecting males not to cry even when boys and seeing females as people who cry a lot, is changing?

Or do you think that really as a country we are encouraged to keep our feelings under control especially at work and in relationships?

[Petal22]

Hi quirkywords,

I can only speak for myself, 😊 I believe that it’s ok to see boys and grown men cry…… I wellcome it and accept it……. We are all the same no matter our gender…..

( we are all one)…..

I think it starts with everyone single one of us to change perceptions of things in the world and be ok with certain things and show this acceptance to others.

We can only hope to lead by example and hopefully we will awaken others that they too can change perceptions and be accepting.

This is how we all grow 😊

[blondguy]

Hey Quirky!

You have written an excellent thread topic here...with heartfelt responses from many members

I understand that there are some people who are petrified of seeing a counsellor/GP etc which is their choice

Just for me I find that crying is a sign of strength and healing old 'wounds'....I feel sad for people that have avoided counselling for so long that they find their emotions overwhelming which only exacerbates their own mental health issues in later life

my kind thoughts

Paul

[therising]

Hi quirkywords

I believe crying can be seen as evidence of emotional maturity. I think we gradually mature into becoming more sensitive, which can help explain becoming more emotional as we age. With every questionable emotion I have, I question it. Can take seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or years to get an answer but eventually an answer tends to come when it comes to what a particular feeling is all about. I think as long as we open our mind to the reasons as to why we feel the way we do, as opposed to suppressing our feelings, answers typically do come. I believe most of us started off as 'feelers', even voicing our feelings quite easily. We could feel injustice ('That's so unfair'), we could feel meanness ('You're so mean'), we could feel a need for adventure ('I'm so bored'), we could feel the need for questioning until we were told often enough 'Don't question me, just do as you're told'. We felt a lot back then. I think part of life's challenge is to return/re-turn to being a feeler while refusing to be shut down, this time around.

To anyone who says 'I had no idea how weak you are', regarding your feelings, to them I would respond with 'Oh, no, you don't understand. I'm a feeler. It's how I tick. I feel situations and people's nature'. I smile when I suggest also adding 'By the way, I can feel you being judgemental and depressing. You see how spot on I am as a feeler'. Hope I got a smile out of you 🙂

One of my favourite quotes of all times is so heartfelt and inspiring. I'll share, while I imagine you'll be able to feel the impact and beauty of it:

'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of
unspeakable love.' - Washington Irving

[mmMekitty]

Hello Quirky & all. I like your question, Quirky, about the social regard for emotions, especially with regards to crying.

I am sure there still is a strong peer pressure in whatever environment, be it work or school, or around public places, to not be openly sad or tearful for reasons relating to sadness or upset, except in those socially permitted areas, such as funerals, memorials, & to a limitted extent, during natural disasters, but somehow people are expected to suddenly perk up & show a huge amount of resillience, even stoicism. The people who do that are held up as heros & examples for us all.

Doing that, I wonder if people who cannot live up to these ideals, then percieve themselvs as being 'weaker', 'failing' to respond 'appropriately', as having a 'problem'?

*

Another thing I was thinking is about how, along with a greater acceptance of gender fluidity, society as a whole, may be gradually more accepting of displays of emotions. ?

*

How many people would still insist that 'sticks & stones may break your bones, but names will never harm you'? I, for one, have thought for many years, the saying absolutely disregards the impacts & intensity of emotional/psychological threats & attacks. But how many would still say this to a child, or words like 'buck up', or 'pull yourself together', or 'get yourself together' when a child is upset, likely crying, following some taunt or explicit bullying? I would really like to think this is no longer a common response, but have strong doubts.

*

When undergoing physiotherapy, I am praised if I don't show how much it hurts, told how well I coped with it.

Dentist, too.

How many more more such messages do we hear, which reinforce the notion that it is better to not show tears or any upset or distress of any kind?

😸Thanks again, Quirky. You got me thinking.

mmMekitty

[sbella02]

Petal22, what a beautiful way of putting it, your analogy of a free flowing river in our bodies.

Quirkywords, in my opinion, I do believe it's changing - the difference in how emotionality is perceived with respect to gender.

In general, I think that phrases like "fragile masculinity" have encouraged awareness of the disproportionate way that our perceptions of emotionality may affect men's mental health in particular. But I do still think that there's stigma that needs to be broken, which discourages people (particularly adult men) from expressing their emotions, where they are shamed for not being masculine. Even women can be shamed for being "too emotional", or our emotions are often trivialised with phrases like "it's just that time of the month". I think this is a societal weakness that needs more awareness around it.

What are your thoughts?

SB

[sbella02]

mmMekitty,

I really resonate with your point about the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". It's almost demeaning, as it ignores the psychological implications of things like bullying, manipulation, or emotional abuse.

I also think that in general, the way I've seen a lot of parents react to their children expressing emotions is reinforcing harmful stereotypes about emotionality. Natural reactions like crying are hushed or suppressed, which can be detrimental for that child's self-esteem and psychological wellbeing.

I also think it's interesting that you mention health professionals praising patients for their strength after something like a procedure. I never even considered this, but it's true - it seems almost like an institutionalised belief that emotional suppression is a sign of strength.

SB