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Can crying be a sign of strength and not weakness.?

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Something happened to me recently which inspired this thread.

I was preparing an event with a group of people I had known for a little time when I accidentally broke a full length mirror.

My first reaction was to be startled and then cry as it triggered me and it was so unexpected. Instead of people seeing if I was ok, they commented that I was weak because I was crying, they whispered that they were amazed that an adult would cry over such a small thing. Someone told me they thought I was stronger and disappointed I cried.

After a few minutes I was fine but sad my crying was seen as a sign of immaturity and not being strong.

So I want to know if you have experienced people reacting when you cry..?

I am someone who didn’t cry much as a child but now in my senior years I can get teary quite easily which I accept.

I am surprised at what happened to me and now wonder if those people will see me differently.

Do you think most people see tears as weakness. .?

47 Replies 47

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello All, I'm 67 and many years ago as a kid I as always told 'men don't cry' so whether they did when they were by themselves, in their shed, the loo or when no one was home I have no idea, but I never saw Dad or his male friends cry, not any funerals, perhaps they had already shed a tear, I don't know, it wasn't spoken about.

Even at school, you were teased if (male) you cried, so you longed to be by yourself and if someone noticed tears in your eyes, you made the excuse that you have 'hayfever or getting a cold'.

It's all changed these days and males do cry, I certainly do, and all the previous stigma is not accepted anymore and that's how it should be, we are only human.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thank you sbella02 😊

It comes from learning Reiki.

Reiki is an absolutely amazing practice to learn ❤️🙏

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Thanks Bella, Geoff, the rising , Paul, Geoff. mmMekitty. Summer rose, petal, Tony Quercus on the road and anyone I have missed . Thanks everyone else reading and posting,

You have many helpful and thoughtful contributions to te discussion.

Reiki I glad has helped you , petal. I had never had much luck either any a.renationalise e therapy though I know people who have been helped.

Yoga has helped me but that is exercise not therapy.

The riding

your words below really helped

”Oh, no, you don't understand. I'm a feeler. It's how I tick. I feel situations and people's nature'. I smile when I suggest also adding 'By the way, I can feel you being judgemental and depressing. You see how spot on I am as a feeler'. Hope I got a smile out of you :)”

One of my children says, I am going to say something but you are not cry as I am only being helpful not critical!!! I brace for negative feedback and I am right. He sees tears as try to gain attention and my immaturity and my defensiveness.

Hi Quirky and all,

The bit you wrote about tears being seen as defensiveness and attention seeking really caught my attention. That happens to me also at home. People have such different natures, what feels like a reasonable criticism to one person might absolutely crush you inside. One thing I say to hubby when he criticises too harshly is "it feels like you know me so well that you know exactly how to crush my self esteem". It makes it stop and think.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

"it feels like you know me so well that you know exactly how to crush my self esteem". It makes it stop and think.“

This is great Quercus. It sure I would ever say it but I can think it.

Crying is supposed to be a stress release. I can't remember where I read that. In that sense it is good but we are told, if you are male, that it's weak to show weakness and crying was a sign of weakness.

Thinking about this as I write... If you are the other person and seeing someone crying, how do you react?

Embarassed? Wanting to help? Trying to be invisible?

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Good post, SW.

First: when I feel I am going to cry, I feel my stress level is already high, & it climbs higher when I am about to cry, so if the crying itself is supposed to act as a stress reliever, it maybe only brings my stress level down to where it was when I began crying... I wonder how useful the crying was...

Now, the second part of your post bears some thinking about. I think my initial reaction would very much depend upon the situation, & even whether I am able to pause & decide how to respond, also depends upon the situation.

I am aware, when I have cried while in session with my PDr, I have felt ambivolent about how he responds, or (as it has seemed) not responded, but how he seems to simply allow me to go on crying. I think I am not used to being allowed to cry. I am wanting some response, some overt sign of care & concern, but not for him to become more than modestly emotional himself. But sometimes, I think, I would just like him to be moved to put an arm around me, too. Ever mindful of my vulnerability & need for boundaries to be respected, he will not do that, & thereby compromise the trust I have achieved with him.

So how difficult is it to allow someone space to cry, without feeling it is necessary to move in any way to sooth, stop, or interfere at all? No matter how we feel, whether we are uncomfortable, embarrassed, or judgemental, thinking, "they shouldn't" or dismissive, as if in our opinion, they have nothing significant enough to cry about, or thinking the crying is a sign of their immaturity, so they should stop being a baby...I think it must take a lot of self-discipline to hold off on judgement, on seeing your own perspective, & then seeing from their point of view, & letting that be whatever it happens to be.

I know, I've sat there, crying, thinking it's so pitiful & useless, feeling angry for crying, helpless to stop, breathless with the effort, & he has accepted it all without insisting I get control of myself & talk normally about what I was thinking & feeling. It's so difficult to make any words come out & I wonder how much he could understand of the words I did say, isolated words & phrases, not really coherent in the moment...

I see, when this has happened, & I finally finish crying, I have also been able to bear it. I didn't NEED him to do more than he did, giving me the space.

mmMekitty

sw and mmMe kitty, and all those reading.

i find after the tears I see things clearly during the tears I feel exposed and vulnerable.

i am ok with sniggers tears and tell them I am here if they need me.

Thanks for your descriptions of how it feels to cry. i think it differs from person to person.

Hi Quirkywords,

Of-course how I experience crying will be different to others. I don't find it as nearly so unacceptable as I once did, nor as difficult to experience as I did when I first cried in that way at my PDr's rooms.

Likewise I felt so embarrassed to cry over a sentimental or emotionally charged film, or tv episode.

I know I have had the sort of feedback, when I've cried from the physical pain I'm expressing, telling me, in various ways, it couldn't have hurt that much, teaching me to hold it in.

I can only keep working to accept my own human reactions to whatever comes my way. Crying, anger, fear & abandonment have been the most difficult for me. Accepting these & other emotions & expressions of emotions requires that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, without breaking.

Thank you for this space to explore my thoughts within.

mmMekitty

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

If one of my own friends or family is crying, I firstly listen to what they have to say, and I respond accordingly. If they need a hug, I'll give them a hug. If I know they need to vent or get something off their chest, I let them do so.

I've traditionally been the kind of person who feels uncomfortable when somebody else is crying, simply because I haven't known how to act. But I've since thought to myself, if I was crying, how would I want the other person to react? I find that this thinking has really informed my future reactions in these types of situations.

I feel like this is also easier said than done, in many situations. Sometimes a sudden outburst of emotion may surprise us in a particular moment, and we may be quite slow to react. Other times we may react too quickly and make the situation worse. I'd argue that it's quite situation-dependent.

Curious to see what others have to say. What would your reaction be to somebody you love, or even a complete stranger, crying?