Can crying be a sign of strength and not weakness.?

[quirkywords]

Something happened to me recently which inspired this thread.

I was preparing an event with a group of people I had known for a little time when I accidentally broke a full length mirror.

My first reaction was to be startled and then cry as it triggered me and it was so unexpected. Instead of people seeing if I was ok, they commented that I was weak because I was crying, they whispered that they were amazed that an adult would cry over such a small thing. Someone told me they thought I was stronger and disappointed I cried.

After a few minutes I was fine but sad my crying was seen as a sign of immaturity and not being strong.

So I want to know if you have experienced people reacting when you cry..?

I am someone who didn’t cry much as a child but now in my senior years I can get teary quite easily which I accept.

I am surprised at what happened to me and now wonder if those people will see me differently.

Do you think most people see tears as weakness. .?

[quirkywords]

Sbella

I give person space and try to sense if they dont want me around .If they do I set quietly and may hold a hand.

Tine space and support is what I offer a person who is crying.

[mmMekitty]

I admit, I get so nervous. I'm not comfortable if someone wants to have the arm around them or hand holding & stuff....so I don't know quite how to put their immediate needs before my discomfort.

Long ago, when I didn't recognise my feelings &someone on the bus sharing the seat with me, began to cry,& I was able to sit & talk with her about what was going on.

Today, I'm not sure I could do as well as I did back then.

Today, I'd feel under some stress, want to help, & yes, want to stop the tears & know I most likely can't make anything better, & start to cry myself, thinking how I dont know what to do.

I don't know if what I did that day on the bus was helpful enough or not - but I could 'forget' about it, & it hasn't overly worried me....

Now, if something like that happened again, I think I'd worry a whole lot more.

mmMekitty

[quirkywords]

mmMekittyThanks fir explains how you feel I feel many will relate to how you felt then and now.

Now i think I sometimes may offer too much comfort to so e one but I try to offer space an$ time. I know some people are embarrassed and just want no fuss.
As yiu aware and have insight I think whatever you do will be welcome.

If we feel uncomfortable we will make the person crying feel worse so we must feel ok about how we approach them.

[Jafar the Barmecide]

This has been a very important topic for me, I have only just learned to allow myself to cry. I was never allowed to cry as a boy and my Dad would physically punish me for "blubbing". I quickly learned how to change my thoughts if I ever felt even the slightest emotional response. I bought into that, and I participated in bullying other boys who committed the cardinal sin of 'blubbing'.

Imagine the shame and humiliation I felt then, when I found myself trying to hide my sniffles in the barracks, 4 days into basic Army training at Kapooka age 17, questioning my manhood, hearing Dad's voice telling me not to be a p****er and toughen the f*** up.

Then again trying desperately not to be heard underneath the itchy blanket on my first day in prison age 21. I have been conditioned into not showing the least bit of emotion or fear and I think most men of my generation have varying amounts of this conditioning.

I didn't even cry when my wife died nearly ten years ago now, I simply reached for the pain relief I had left over from a motorbike accident and developed a habit so I didn't have to feel at all.

Since I got clean and started to work on myself I have allowed myself to cry and while I am still uncomfortable in the presence of crying I would never call it weak and try however awkwardly to offer comfort.

There was an occasion where I saw my 9 year old son for the first time in a few months, and welled up because his eyes were SO much like his mother's, i still stopped myself because of that conditioning. Later, on my own, I was going through a box of letters and things and found an old card printed for my wife's funeral. Then the floodgates opened and it was ugly uncontrollable deep sobbing, snot and tears- the works, for a good 40 minutes.

I was embarrased to share this experience at the next men's group, but i did, and there was no judgement and light comfort, men will always make light of it and the one quote from that group that stuck in my mind was "Well, you finally proved to yourself that you're not a psychopath, so there's that"

I hope this isn't thread hijacking, i can make another thread if this post doesn't belong here

[mmMekitty]

Hello Jafa the Barmecide, welcome to the forum, & thank you for such a moving post. Right now, I am so tired, again. I am moved by your story (very much abreviated here, I'm sure), It looks to me, you've had a long & difficult journey - & you are coming out on top.

Your post today does have a place here.

However, if you want to talk things through more, you can begin your own thread.

For myself, I would like to talk some more, at least when I am not so tired.

Warm regards,

mmMekitty

[blondguy]

Hi Jafar

Thanks for heartfelt post...You have been through some serious pain in your life combined with an old fashioned upbringing (as you mentioned about not crying)

my kindest

Paul

[quirkywords]

Welcome Jafar

Thanks for your honest post and for contributing to this thread.

I like the way you have examined the part crying or lack of it has played in your life.

You are open to trying new things.

[Annas1]

Hello All,

I've returned to BB after quite some time away, again struggling with familiar themes of anxiety and communicating feelings of vulnerability. For me, expressing my feelings of vulnerability is almost synonymous with wanting/needing to cry. Blocking the process of crying has been my lifelong habit - it was very clear that my place in my family was dependent on my ability to not need emotional reassurance.

So this thread is so relevant for me, and I really appreciate being able to read the experiences of others both in relation to their feelings about crying and the social norms they have felt confined to.

I too have known the freedom and relief of a good cry, and am trying to work on being more open to these sad feelings as they arise. Usually, this is very hard for me, and I tend to get myself wound up in tension and anxiety and in a real state before I can justify connecting with the tears of vulnerability. And even then, in private or out of sheer desperation.

My recent thoughts/reading lead me to wonder if there is a link between repressing/denying vulnerability and complicated attachment in childhood. If tears are a call to another's compassion (including our own towards ourselves), they are psychologically problematic if we have learned that compassion for our pain is not available in childhood.

In any case, I also appreciate mk's sense of weariness. Sometimes fighting these feelings is a heavy and tiring burden. I'd like to lay mine down, and show compassion towards my vulnerable self.

Gentle thoughts to all.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Annas1,


Fristly thank you for finding your way to our forums and sharing your expereinces with our community members.  Here you will find a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings without judgement.  Our community members are very supportive and will  offer some insight into what your going through.

Regards

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Annas1

Your thoughtfulness, soulful sensitivity, beauty and philosophy are so incredibly touching, so impacting. To hear how consciously you're working to undo the damaging mantras of those who led you to feel worth less is inspirational, something to be proud of. It is hard work, not just undoing the damage from others but also waking up to it.

'...tears are a call to another's compassion, including our own towards ourselves...' This is so incredibly profound. It gave me a chill. Being a sensitive gal, whenever something speaks to my soul, I get a chill. Someone once defined this feeling as the feeling of when something 'rings true', at the deepest level. it is a ringing that touches us.

With that call you speak of, we can be led to witness

• how people answer it
• whether they answer it or not (ignore it)
• whether they shut us down, as opposed to leading us to open up
• whether they ridicule, through words or laughter
• whether they chastise us or refer to us as 'weak' based on them not being able to manage emotion consciously and constructively

and so on.

While I cannot recall every time I've cried in the way of sadness in my 51 years on this earth, the times I do recall largely relate to the deepest of pain. One a few occasions, I recall laughter in response with the words 'You're being ridiculous' attached. On other occasions, I recall the most loving heartfelt embrace, which led me to feel what true love is. You've led me to see who has loved me in the most soulful and unselfish of ways, who loves me purely, without agenda. While you thoughtfully share your consciousness, you have also led me to understand what it takes to love myself more, to accept myself more, to embrace myself in the saddest of times.

When I posted that quote from Washington Irving, I had never considered the unspeakable love he mentions, to include the love we have for our self. This is something you have led me to see and I am deeply grateful to you. Again, 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.' - Washington Irving.

When we are led to tears through sadness, when we are led to feel sorrow for our self, this must be the call for us to accept nothing other than love.

I wish you love and many soulful revelations on your path of evolving self understanding 🙂