A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

[Automaton]

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

[Automaton]

Just got crudely (and completely inconsiderately) rejected by the specialist psychologist I was referred to (because he is currently booked out) without a single further reference or contact given (even though I explained my situation and specifically asked for help). He's an arrogant @#%* who just doesn't care. Yet he has power and responsibility over people's life and health...

It's making me lose all faith in our inefficient, irresponsible, and completely useless medical system. Truly, I got more help online than I ever did from any doctor by visiting them in person. That's both for my physical and mental health.

Autistic people, particularly adults, have such a hard time finding sympathy and (professional or any kind of) help. Now I'm starting to understand all these autistic online support groups by peers and their endless positivity, support, and good vibe on autism -- it's all to combat our hopeless situation and give us strength to endure, and to make it (because we're that deep in a pile -- being not treated like people, being constantly offended/hurt, misunderstood, hated, and rejected)...

If I didn't have all these online peer support channels and resources, I don't think I would have made it long at all. I owe my life to the Internet, everyone who shared information with and supported others online...

I'm feeling really down, right now, but at least confident in my own abilites to make it, and not depressed (in big part thanks to you guys, here <3).

For any autistic or neurodiverse person who reads this, know that I feel your pain, that you're not alone, and that there *is* hope, there are those who are with you, understand you, and share your burden even if they are miles away. The Internet connects us, and we *need* to use this technical resource for our health and survival. A good place to start getting to know yourself and your situation is Amythest Schaber's "Ask an Autistic" YouTube series, and her blog, and anything on Tumblr with the hashtag (search term) "actuallyautistic". Stay strong, keep yourself safe, and believe in yourself. ❤️

[MarkJT]

Automaton, mate sorry to hear that you have run into a pretty ordinary psych. I hate getting poor customer service. In my profession (policing), if we give bad service we get a blister for it so i demand it wherever i go.

On the note of policing though, the bad eggs that get caught being corrupt, give us all a bad name so please do not lose faith in the system. There will be a psych out there somewhere that will be happy to help. It must be incredibly frustrating and i feel for you.

Yep you are feeling down now but as you say, you have the abilities to put this behind you are move on.

Love the last paragraph - brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Helping other people in your situation. Awesome.

Mark.

[Automaton]

I hate getting poor customer service.

The only problem is that this is not about "customer service", but about saving human lives, and such "ordinary" (I would call them completely irresponsible) psychologists get away with it, arrogantly, because the medical system provides work for them and protects them.

While the patient is left to fend for themselves in the terrible condition that they are in, jumping through ridiculous hoops while feverishly fighting for mere survival...

What the world needs is community maintained websites where doctors and psychologists practically literally collect rotten eggs based on how many people they've caused more misery to than helped. It would help to weed out the abundance of useless medical practitioners, and make the world a better place for all.

Right now I'm disgusted, I truly am, with our society and people like that -- and I'm angry that we've allowed ourselves to sink so low, and that we are content with it.

[MarkJT]

Richard Branson has a great quote, "You should not worry about customer service, you should worry about your employees. If your employees are happy then you don't have to worry about customer service" (or very similar to this). Love that.

Unfortunately this big chunk of dirt and rock that we live on has far to many people that are only worried about themselves and how much money they are earning. If people just sat back and showed more gratitude, we would all be a whole lot better off....but that is a pipe dream. One of the driving factors for me is to be grateful for who i am and what i stand for.

I am not religious at all but I will able to look at myself in the mirror when i'm about to take my last breath and be happy with what i did with my life, I am not confident that some people in the medical profession will be able to do the same thing.

Obviously you need to find a way to move on from this though. What strategies can you use to do this? Anything come to mind?

Mark.

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

Gosh, what a disheartening and disappointing experience you had with this psych. Sadly, sometimes there is a power imbalance when it comes to specialists. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning it. It's not okay- it's an appalling situation.

Is it possible to go back to whoever gave you the referral and ask if she or he can give you some other referrals or at least contacts (?)

As for psychs- like any profession- there are good ones and not so good ones. Only a minority of psych students will go on and become psychologists. Being a psych student myself (commerce/psych), I do worry about how some of my peers will fare as the next generation of psychologists.

People want to become psychologists for all sorts of reasons and the entire psych education system is very competitive. So you end up with the high achievers in honours and the highest achievers as clinical psychs.

Granted, some will be brilliant psychs but some will/have become psychs for the wrong reasons. For example, if your honours grades and thesis is graded exceptionally high, some unis (not all) will automatically grant you entry to their postgrad psych programs without consideration for your suitability as a practicing psychologist (i.e. academic merit over personal attributes).

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is a partial explanation for why there are psychs who probably shouldn't be psychs.

Anyway, sorry about going on a weird tangent. I know you're feeling very down at the moment. You deserve better than this...

Also, thank you for your insight and I appreciated how you elaborated on your self stim experience. You've opened my eyes that little bit more.

Take care, you're worth more than how you were treated by that psych.

Dottie x

[Automaton]

Thanks guys, both for the moral support, and the great encouragement (call to action) and detailed insight. You're both helping me, at least to cool off, first, and to not overwork myself over it... >.<'

One of the quirks of living autistic is that you tend to get worked up about injustice in the world way too much -- or perhaps just the right amount... (who knows...)

It's a great "tangent", Dottie, I really appreciate it -- I always appreciate caring knowledge and insight, especially that which relates to the origin of a problem.

And you're right, Mark, I need to think about what to do next, and to learn to anticipate further blows like this one in the future...

[Guest_322]

Hi Automaton,

No worries at all, I'm glad you found our posts encouraging.

Yeah, sadly there are grave injustices in the world. I think it's a good thing to care about those injustices. The worst thing is indifference.

Take care and I'm sure you'll figure out your next step in good time.

Dottie x

[MarkJT]

Automaton, one of the best things I (and many others) did was to identify our triggers. Once you can do this you can mentally prepare for when it happens because unless you are going to go live on a desert island with no one else, you have to face triggers.

You can get to a place where you know you are going into a situation where it is going to be difficult but you can mentally prepare for it and it makes it much easier to handle. This of course doesn't help when we are faced with an unexpected trigger. When this happens, it is important to remember just to deal with the trigger and move on. These are the times that catch us by surprise and it is easy to slip into bad habits like being to hard on ourselves, getting really angry for a sustained period and the like.

Take the time, chill out as best you can, do you breathing exercises and practice some mindfulness.

For example, when we get bad customer service it is that time where we can take off and deal with it. Tell yourself that you cannot control what others are like. If they have a complaint service, make a complaint but if they do not, this is the time to try and make sure somebody else's poor attitude and behavior does not affect us to much.

Mark.

[Guest_322]

Hey Automaton,

I left you a little virtual present in Sara's thread, A bouquet for pearls, in the Staying Well forum. I hope you don't mind.

Dottie x

[Automaton]

Thanks Mark. I know (most of) them, but, for me, it's often too hard to keep track of and predict triggers when they are happening because there are just so many of them! -- especially now that my body is burned out and exhausted. You are certainly not wrong, and I definitely need to be prepared, and protect myself somehow. No matter how hard this feels and seems, I need to find a way...

(That lonely desert island is starting to sound mighty inviting... >.<')

I actually really struggle with that: I can't sever myself from people in the world. I see them for who they really are (deep down), and it breaks my heart when they are covering up their own potentials with worthless rubble because they don't understand the essence of the world and themselves.

Ironic, really, seeing as I'm autistic -- and I have alexithymia! -- but I am always in tune (spiritually) with the people in my environment, and just can't make myself a separate entity, and not care about them... I constantly worry about people, and what they're doing to each other and themselves.

I've been that way for as long as I can remember... I am a healer type of person, spiritually, so maybe that has something to do with it...