A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

Automaton · ‎06-03-2017

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

MarkJT · ‎14-03-2017

Automaton, you're welcome and thanks for the words - appreciate them.

I am trying to get my head around what it would be like to go through what i did but also throw in having autism as well. I have read over your posts a couple of times and will again to make sure it sinks in. Try and get some kind of understanding of what it is like for you.

The beauty of this forum is that it is completely free of stigma and judgment and that is just so valuable.

It is great that you are here and although I will never be able to say 100% but i am in the high 90% that a fair few other people will have read your posts and got so much out of them. You are helping others by being here and posting what you do. Gold!

Mark.

Automaton · ‎14-03-2017

I am trying to get my head around what it would be like to go through what i did but also throw in having autism as well. I have read over your posts a couple of times and will again to make sure it sinks in. Try and get some kind of understanding of what it is like for you.

Hahhaha... >.<' Very confusing would be the right word, life's a big, mind-numbing, scattered mess. You find that things that work for others don't work for you the same way, you find that often you can't understand your own behaviour, your own needs, motivations, and feelings, you need to constantly teach yourself about yourself, and make a conscious effort not to allow yourself to wander off too much, but at the same time allow yourself (and your body) enough essential freedom that you don't fall into depression under the huge stress that is the world out there (or around you). It's overwhelming, and it's exhausting. Certain everyday sounds, lights, people, and objects will make your mind and body suffer "physical" stress, and wear you out or send you over the top. You tend to hang on to the simple and calm things that make life beautiful and easy to understand. When things unexpectedly spin out of control, you have no idea what just happened, but you feel that it has or must have been significant. Later on you deal with the lasting scars those shocks and traumas have left on you, and learn that you are very much vulnerable, (that your parents have failed in bringing you up to be ready for the cruel world) and that you need to learn to somehow protect yourself.

I sincerely hope that my written/traced thoughts and steps in this thread will help others along their own journey, as well. ^_^

MarkJT · ‎14-03-2017

I am thinking that you are describing the autism and PTSD world that you are living in but i can relate to so much of that and as i have said before, you write so incredibly well it is very very easy to understand.

I think you sitting right in the middle of all of that surrounded by a thick fog whereas i am sitting slightly off the middle and surrounded by clearing fog!

The reason why i am not in the middle and surrounding by heavy fog is that i do not have autism.

Mark.

Automaton · ‎14-03-2017

Hmm... yeah, that wouldn't be too far off the truth, I think... After all, most of my autism is all that a "normal" person experiences, except heightened multiple times (at least that seems to be the case, based the feedback I'm hearing from allistic people), and that (very) often overloads my brain. We're basically either hypersensitive, or hyposensitive (undersensitive), and often both, to different things we experience. Like I said, it's a big mess of a world for us when you are using common knowledge.

There are other problems, too, that I didn't mention; like my world of memory, which is very-very strange... My memories get all mixed up, and sometimes I can remember really-really old things to an incredible detail (like they happened yesterday) -- but often they never actually happened exactly that way (often they are the mashup of several memories into one). I remember some things forever, while other, key things I completely forget, or I am left with only a hazy impression of (like my yesterday's plans and schedules). This is probably why I've learned to rely on my intuition so much -- it's a clue to my lost memories.

My short term memory is also quite dodgy (don't ask me what I was doing two hours ago, or what I ate for breakfast), which is complicated further by my stimmy "zone-outs" (which I feel the need for, and where I am truly living, but I completely lose track of space and time), so I can definitely relate to your situation.

The more I am in a busy environment, the less I am able to recall from my short-term memory, and to use my brain. Where this is very different from a neurotypical experience -- overloads aside -- is that when I am out, I see, hear, smell, and feel all sorts of things that "normal" people don't notice (I can't help this... this is the way my body and mind work and live in the world, this is just how I've always experienced it). This means that all this comes flooding through my memory, as well, so to remember what key things it was I was going out for to begin with, and what I've just been doing is extremely difficult if not impossible. This is where stimming helps -- to block out everything, and let me concentrate/think/focus, get in control, and use my brain.

MarkJT · ‎15-03-2017

The zone outs...i love zone outs. Feeling completely at ease just lost in my thoughts somewhere or the surrounding that i am in. Just pure freedom and zero worries.

Automaton · ‎15-03-2017

The zone outs...i love zone outs. Feeling completely at ease just lost in my thoughts somewhere or the surrounding that i am in. Just pure freedom and zero worries.

Huh... hmm... not quite the same... Multiply it by 10, then you get the picture. Not saying they're bad, on the contrary, but it doesn't make it easy for me to live a responsibly balanced life when I go on one of these "fits".

And when I say no time and space, I really mean no time and space -- no sense of being here and now, in my body at all. My world turns quite into something else -- like I've taken a trip into a metaphysical realm...

(Yes, I do realise this sounds a lot like I'm on drugs, but I can assure you this is not the case. My body and mind do this on their own, and have a need for it.)

Automaton · ‎15-03-2017

They can last anywhere from an hour to seven full days (my longest ever so far). And remember, while I'm in the midst of it, I have no idea how much time has passed, what's happening around me, or what condition my body is in, truly (I don't have precise feeling and control over it).

Guest_322 · ‎15-03-2017

Hi Automaton,

Sorry, this will probably read as very much out of place as it won't flow from your more recent posts very well. But to respond to 2 of your posts from almost a week ago...

I agree that the line between autistic and alltistic can often be very murky. It can be a fine line sometimes. As for anyone who straddles that line, I have no definitive answers. I suppose that's partly why a spectrum is used when assessing Autism. Maybe the same applies to alltistics in the sense that a "spectrum" applies to us too.

Yeah, you're definitely onto something there about how we can all learn something from one another (regardless of whether we're alltistic or autistic). I guess it goes back to how we're all individuals when it comes down to it.

Thank you very much, I really appreciated your comments and insight. It was most helpful. The one that stood out to me the most was how stimming is a body impulse.

I knew that it served a self regulatory purpose but I had always thought that it was more of a conscious effort. In the sense that you're overstimulated so you intentionally stim to try to down-regulate was my perception. I had thought of it as more of a semi conscious compulsion rather than a body impulse. Thanks for educating me about it.

Also, I enjoyed reading your comment on how your interests give you a sense of "safety." I had not previously looked at it that way.

Speaking of which, I will now warn you that I'm known to not edit so I'm prone to typos. Also, I kind of ignore many grammatical conventions. You may have picked up on it by now ha, ha.

Thanks again for you intelligence and refreshingly different outlook.

Dottie x

Automaton · ‎15-03-2017

Hi Dottie,

Thanks for chiming in -- I appreciate the feeback. ^_^

Maybe the same applies to allistics in the sense that a "spectrum" applies to us too.

Definitely. We're all part of one giant spectrum of human neurotypes. I don't think any one of us can say that their brain is the "norm", or like "most people's". Every human brain, just as every human body and every human individual, is a little different.

Yeah, you're definitely onto something there about how we can all learn something from one another (regardless of whether we're allistic or autistic). I guess it goes back to how we're all individuals when it comes down to it.

Absolutely! And we're all human. ^_^

I knew that it served a self regulatory purpose but I had always thought that it was more of a conscious effort. In the sense that you're overstimulated so you intentionally stim to try to down-regulate was my perception. I had thought of it as more of a semi conscious compulsion rather than a body impulse. Thanks for educating me about it.

While we have conscious control over it (the same way as anyone else has over their own body and behaviour when they are not completely worn-out), the need is very much "physical", and a natural body impulse. This is why it's such a crime when I see autistic children being told off for stimming, and being forced not to stim. It's human cruelty, and will traumatise them and scar them for life -- stripping them of a dire body essential...

The need to stim will also present itself when we are understimulated, to get in touch with our bodies and our physical existence, and for recovery (self-regulation) after strenuous nervous and mind exercise.

Trust me, most of us feel embarrassed, and wouldn't be doing it if didn't help us and we didn't have to. This shame we have to feel is also wrong...

Also, I enjoyed reading your comment on how your interests give you a sense of "safety." I had not previously looked at it that way.

This is definitely psychological, but in a world that doesn't make sense you need something to hold onto that does, that is familiar to you, and that makes you feel safe.

Speaking of which, I will now warn you that I'm known to not edit so I'm prone to typos. Also, I kind of ignore many grammatical conventions. You may have picked up on it by now ha, ha.

Don't worry, you're by no means the only one... (a.k.a. "I'm used to it. My 12-y.o. self would try to correct you and educate you, but I've moved past that...") ("...sort of...") XD

MarkJT · ‎16-03-2017

I have found my journey into mental health injuries and illnesses to be a completely fascinating one and here I am again, being completely fascinated with what the brain can do.

It will take me a few days to actually digest all of the last few posts!!

Mark.