A broken automaton with a heart (as opposed to working humans without souls)

Automaton · ‎06-03-2017

Hi everyone,

Autistic and struggling with depression -- nothing new here... Starting independent life as an adult has been overwhelming to say the least, many 'real life' traumas, but crux of my current state has to be, after growing up in perceived and felt, warm, supportive family love, my parents' sudden withdrawal, indifference, and plain coldness towards me -- particularly my mother's -- without inciting cause. This became especially apparent at my coming out with a disability. It seems all they have concern for is how I serve them, now, as an object of gain, or salvageable investment, and any weakness shown makes me more useless in their eyes, to be discarded later. This shocks/confuses me to no end, as I never thought such a thing, such a change in my own parents, was possible. It makes me wonder whether my autism has made me blind to these changes all these years, while growing up in my family. They may as well be different people, wearing the faces of my parents. My family is dead, or worse; they have been killed and raised from the dead -- they have been zombified!

I feel that to never have parental love is extremely hard, but it is so much easier than to have plenty of it, and then be stripped of it for life by the same people who gave it to you in the first place. It is certainly not a trivial thing to deal with, to have to know with utmost certainty that your own parents no longer love you, and that your entire family is gone and you're left all on your own, with your difference/disability and personal limitations, to cope with the feral 'real world'. In honest truth, we all need some genuine love and support, and a safe haven, no matter how strong we believe ourselves to be -- in fact, from my own experience, in spite of it...

Anyway that pitches the main reason for my being in the depths of the mess I am in now, and what brought me here -- struggling with PTSD, OCD, depression, phobias, panic attacks, and anxieties. There are of course at least a dozen other serious traumas in my independent fight for survival, fitting in, and acceptance, but if I started writing all that, you'd be reading from dusk till dawn, and I'd rather not recall them all at once... (I know you'll appreciate it...)

Glad to be here, sharing. Hope I can help others as much as I can receive useful advice and support.

Guest_322 · ‎08-03-2017

Hi Automaton,

Thank you for the thoughtful advice. I appreciate your concern. You sound like a caring person.

I suppose "typical" refers to the majority. But it's not necessarily a valued loaded word- I agree with your point that it's contextual and doesn't mean better or worse.

You have a great attitude and outlook, which is something that Mark picked up on quickly.

And it is very important to note that only you know what's best for you, and you need to fight for your own rights -- don't let anyone impose upon you anything you're not ready for or don't believe in your heart will help.

I really liked your comment about each person being the expert on him or herself, and recovering and/or experiencing life on his of her own terms. There's no one-size-fits-all approach as what works for most won't necessarily work for all; I agree that it's important to recognise that differences exist. There's value and beauty in difference.

About my job, it's been a steep learning curve. Hugely rewarding but also very challenging at times. But above all, I would say it has been an eye opener. It has challenged the way that I perceive the world.

Say, sometimes a child with ASD is unfortunately written off as showing "bratty behaviour" by strangers when he or she is, in fact, overstimulated and needs support (not judgement).

Or when there's stimming and it is sometimes perceived as "weird" behaviour. But, in reality, it can be an attempt to self regulate in an overstimulating world or it produces a desired sensory experience.

It makes me think twice when I witness, say, a child throwing a "tantrum" in public. Granted, it could be a child genuinely throwing a tantrum but it could also be a very overstimulated and distressed child with autism. So I guess what I'm trying to say is my job has helped me try to understand first before judging so quickly.

Also, as you probably already know, many people with autism have vast knowledge about their chosen area/s of interest. I once worked with someone who was like a human encyclopaedia (very impressive).

While we label autism as a disability, there's definitely ability there. Also if we lived in a world where most people had autism then I would be the one who has a disability.

I think you're an awesome person with insight and strong analytical skills. Just keep being you.

And I'm sorry about your parents; their reaction said more about their own insecurities than anything about you as a person.

Dottie x

Guest_322 · ‎08-03-2017

Hi again,

I just wanted to quickly add that I agree with your point about not writing people off based on labels.

Just as people without autism aren't a monolithic entity, people with autism aren't a monolithic entity either. We're all individuals at the heart. Anyway, I must jet before I hijack your thread ha, ha.

Just keep being you.

Dottie x

Automaton · ‎09-03-2017

Hmmm... Thanks, Mark, but the reason I am an automaton still, and not a human being, is that despite knowing all this, and apparently taking the right attitude and actions, I still have no control over myself, my depressive mood swings, my excessive social anxieties, my (violently) fluctuating energy levels, and my seriously disturbed sleep patterns. In one word, I'm still a wreck, and not able to function even to the most basic needs -- like taking care of when and what I eat.

Part of this is my autism, and not having grown up knowing methods to take care of myself and my needs. What many autistic people have had the luck of being taught, I never have. I still don't know how to effectively stick to schedules, when and how to stim (self-stimulate), how to reward myself, and how to cope with and express various personal problems (inner and outer). This is made more difficult by my current mental illnesses, which are further crippling what little ability I have to self-manage.

Your message really hit home, this time, and made me both genuinely sad and really think. I sincerely thank you for it, but this is the reason I am still an automaton, functioning on a crazy autopilot. I don't feel out of the woods at all -- I'm in the deepest depths of it, and still without a trail to follow...

Just note that I don't expect you to know this path. I am grateful for the emotional and moral support you've given me, but if I am going to get through this, I need to get a hold of my autistic nature as well, because "normal" strategies often don't work with me. I may know all this, but it all comes to nothing if I can't implement methods to recover because my body and brain behave differently, and learn differently to what is expected in these situations. Hopefully the professional I'll be seeing can help me in that regard, and help me learn about myself. As you said, yourself, my problems are too overwhelming for any person to handle on their own -- which is the same conclusion I came to, and why I'm seeking help.

But at the same time, I am trying to make sense of it, and learn about myself on my own, as well. Since no-one knows me better than I know myself (even if my abilities to know myself are not always up to the task), I feel, despite that I honestly appreciate any outside support, insight, and/or help offered, only I can truly help myself. And it's probably very important that I keep trying to.

Automaton · ‎09-03-2017

Hi Dottie,

The problem with typical/normal, autistic, and any categorising label is that it doesn't take into account that nature has no such categories. When do you draw the line that someone is autistic, or allistic/neurotypical? And when you do, those who fall in-betwen the two categories, because they are autistic enough to be different from "normal" and yet not autistic "enough" to be classified as autistic, where do they belong, and how are they being treated just?

In nature everything is a spectrum, from sexual orientation, and race/species to the neurological and biological state of people -- you will find specimens/individuals on all points of these spectrums. Therefore there is no typical, only the majority (as you said yourself) -- but even that is questionable in how you measure the "majority". Categories and labels are a simplistic human invention.

For the same reason, I completely agree with your complimentary message -- I *don't* think that all neurotypical people are "soulless", and I don't consider myself to be segragated from everyone else, and on the "other side", just because I'm autistic. It makes it hard for me hard to understand some neurotypical behaviour the same way that it is hard for allistic people to understand some autistic behaviour. But that doesn't mean I don't need to respect it, and keep trying to understand it. Both neurotypes are part of the human spectrum, and there are good people, with many merits, on both sides. We are all people, and, furthermore, each of us is a unique individual, with unique experiences and personal qualities.

My chosen title for this thread was written from an allistic point of view just as much as from an autistic -- it applies to anyone who feels this way, and is going through similar hardships as I am -- broken individual vs. soulless society.

I really like your perspective, and I see you are truly on the right path to understanding the people you care for. Autism can be at times hard to understand, especially because we have difficulty expressing and knowing ourselves, as well. Being autistic is really hard, I won't kid you, but there are ways to make the best of it.

Thank you for sharing your personal, interactive experiences, and for your support. ^_^ My parents made some big blunders, and I'll have to live with that -- but at the same time they're my parents, and only family on this earth, and I need to forgive them, even if I'll never forget. They will need to earn my trust again.

Automaton · ‎09-03-2017

A few personal notes to help you with your understanding and work:

Say, sometimes a child with ASD is unfortunately written off as showing "bratty behaviour" by strangers when he or she is, in fact, overstimulated and needs support (not judgement).

Understanding, patience, and support is what most children with ASD need, *never* judgement, and very rarely punishment. The world is so complicated for us that most of us are so willing to always do the right thing, and if we appear to be misbehaving it's because we're having a problem, and don't know how to express it and deal with it. This is, in many ways, true to adulthood as well. We will do certain, non-sensible things excessively because we are trying to communicate something important, but we don't know how to.

Or when there's stimming and it is sometimes perceived as "weird" behaviour. But, in reality, it
can be an attempt to self regulate in an overstimulating world or it produces a desired sensory experience.

Generally, from my own experience, in public, it either serves to block out too much input, and calm oneself, or to block out all (inner and outer) distractions and help mentally focus. Note that by this point our body takes a life of its own, and the "strange" behaviour is not conscious/voluntary, but driven by a physical need (body impulse). To not act on that need puts an immense strain on the mind and the body.

Also, as you probably already know, many people with autism have vast knowledge about their chosen area/s of interest. I once worked with someone who was like a human encyclopaedia (very impressive).

Our special interests give us a sense of safety and rules that make sense in our world, so we keep them really dear to our hearts. I was such a child -- a "walking encyclopedia", a "little professor". You could ask me anything about dinosaurs, dog species, and other animals, or my studies and grammar. ^_^

MarkJT · ‎09-03-2017

Automaton, do you like being challenged? In a good way of course. What I am getting at is that I understand what you are saying because you articulate it so very well. I would love to set you a challenge that one day you will change your name and only when you feel that you are human again. Not before just to please anyone, only when you feel like it. You can have it as a long term goal. Goal setting is great but it can also add perceived pressure and undue stress so this is why it is a long term goal. One day - no time limit, just one day.

Yes you are spot on that i do not know what it is like for you and you are the one that has to navigate your journey but this is what we are here to do, for you to lean on us and discuss various things, to ask questions, to have a good old fashioned whinge and whine or just interact.

Sorry i made you feel sad but then at the same time i see that you are thankful that, that happened as it made you really think. I am all about turning negatives into positives and this is a prime example.

Do you think far ahead and think of all of your problems going on at once? or do you break them down to smaller problems? as in look at each on individually. For me, it really helps if i break down each piece, deal with one and then move onto the next. Do not know if that is possible for you though?

Mark.

Automaton · ‎09-03-2017

Do you think far ahead and think of all of your problems going on at once? or do you break them down to smaller problems? as in look at each on individually. For me, it really helps if i break down each piece, deal with one and then move onto the next. Do not know if that is possible for you though?

If I think about the whole challenge from end to finish, it mentally exhausts me just thinking about all the steps, and I never get started. I can deal with challenges by breaking them down into smaller tasks, and taking those tasks on one at a time, but I often get lost in one task in the process, and end up immersing myself in it fully and spending the whole day on it -- with absolutely no sense of time (and place) -- until I'm completely exhausted. When the next day comes, I often have difficulty remembering what the long term goal was, what the steps were for, and what they meant. All of it means close to nothing to me the next day -- no matter how genuinely passionate I was about it the previous day -- just like it happened sometime in my distant past...

MarkJT · ‎10-03-2017

Automaton, know exactly what you mean. Due to the PTSD, my memory is trashed. It is the one thing that I just have not got better at. I can control most anxiety rises to prevent attacks, can get through bad days with minimal fuss, can control anger, no longer dissociate but memory, it is just not there. Even these threads, i have to continually read back to see what was written previously to try and make sure i stay on topic! (so if i get off topic, happy for you to steer me back!!).

To counter the bad memory, i take notes, plenty of notes. My phone's calendar is full of stuff, i basically set a reminder for everything. Any chance that you could set times for tasks. Between x and y times, i am going to do z?

A question if you don't mind, how do you tell the difference between what is mental health related and what is autism related? i.e. when i get angry at something, I have to work out if i am genuinely angry at it or is it the PTSD flaring up. That make sense?

Mark.

Automaton · ‎10-03-2017

Sometimes it's hard to tell. I usually see if others (the majority) have the same issues the same way, and if they don't, then I suspect it's related to my autism. The thing is, my autism is me, so I've never known what it's like to be allistic (neurotypical/"normal"). Mostly, though, from what I've learned, the things that are my autism related are more "physical" limitations, as in brain functioning -- a difference that I've always had in function, and that isn't related to my current mental condition. Also, my autistic behaviours/mindset are closely aligned with and dictated by my body, so they feel most natural to me. That being said, when my mental health gets worse, my autistic behaviours also amplify, and my behaviour becomes more unexpected/unpredictable to me.

I'm curious, why do you think PTSD has affected your memory? I find that a little odd. Our capacity to remember things is something that tends to be more physical (brain-wiring) in nature. Unless you are filling your short-term memory with too much "other" stuff -- like excessive worries/look-outs -- leaving no room for what's important.

As for notes and reminders, they only work to a certain extent with me -- and this is due to my autism. They will work when I am fully at my wits, and paying attention to their presence -- but I physically can't do this for long, day after day, because I get tired of it (it takes a lot of mental effort, while punishing instead of rewarding), it bugs me, and it doesn't feel natural -- and when I am "in my zone", even loud alarms will not help snap me out of it -- my brain just wants to continue what it was doing. The urge to continue is too strong (I guess kind of like a really strong addiction). It completely changes my mood and my thinking, I'm at my best performance, and it feels way more natural than when I am fully at my wits, which, although it helps me be more reasonable and responsible, doesn't help me live balanced, and feel alive.

People are saying online that I need to base my life on feeling routines -- a set schedule of activites that my body/brain gets used to doing every day, at the right time (kind of like what you suggested) -- but I haven't yet succeeded in establishing that reliably (I'm working on it). Also, I'm worried that this will leave me more vulnerable to unexpected surprises (really unpleasant shocks for me), so I'm still somewhat afraid to truly commit to it. But it's the only working way I know how to put balance in my life...

Automaton · ‎10-03-2017

Mark, are you ready for this? My current state is actually even more complicated than PTSD -- didn't think that was possible! It turns out I am also going through autistic burnout, which is something that does not even have a medical/psychological diagnosis yet:

It is much akin to (a severe) depression, but the cause of it and the way out of it are entirely different, and it only happens to autistic or neurodivergent people.

God, I feel lucky... >.<'