What can we do?

[Kleintje]

I believe my son is suffering depression. He shows many of the symptoms as indicated on the website. When he graduated as a paramedic and couldn't get a job, he just wallowed - no clear direction. We convinced him (finally) to see a career psychologist which he did and it did seem to help a little as he has some ideas but still nothing really concrete. He doesn't live at home but stays at ours when we go away. We noticed money has gone missing when we have been away. He is now using online gambling sites (via a credit card which we have access to) and we are concerned he has got himself into serious trouble and owes money. We wonder if he is on drugs hence the need for money.... we are providing some financial support but it has gone too far and it isn't fair on the other children who are self sufficient. Just don't know where to begin...who to seek help from for both him and us as we are finding it is weighing heavily on our minds.

[geoff]

dear Kleintje, well that's a good start, but remember people become very cunning, and please I'm not just suggesting that he is on drugs, but trying to find out why he is behaving like this.
Perhaps he's in denial of having some form of depression, and by living alone could increase this as his mind is going to think negatively, which is a strong indication of having this illness and can certainly change his personality, which does mean disagreements will happen and that's what will upset you so much, and I am so sorry about this, but let's keep together and talking to each other.
When we have children ourselves we are always looking out for their safety, no matter how old they are, just as I do with my two sons, aged 37 and 35, and now it follows through to my two little grandchildren aged 4 and 2, and so it still continues, so I know how you feel.
Perhaps you could google 'reach out' and have a read of any of the sites it suggests before you see your doctor, this could help you to ask questions that you hadn't thought of before.
Please I do really hope to keep hearing back from you, so please try to. Geoff. x

[blondguy]

Dear Kleintje

You have made a joint appointment with your doctor which will help a great deal. It is very difficult with our kids as I have a 23 year old daughter in a depressed state and it does cause me great pain.

I just noticed you mentioned that 'very high expectations' are set. This is well meaning and noble and can help the kids sometimes. Just in my family situation I have seen my sister my brother and myself experience much difficulty in life with 'having too far to fall' after not meeting my dad's very high expectations. My sister at 49 and my brother and myself 53 and 56. We are still paying a high price for having the bar set so high.

Please dont get me wrong, I was only talking about my family here in relation to those high expectations you mentioned, not yours.

Geoff is very wise and made a good point of your son being in possible denial of having some form of depression too.

My kind thoughts for you Kleintje

Paul

[C_L]

Hi Kleintje

I am new to this forum - but I have to say that the feedback and support that Paul and Geoff are giving is superb!! I don't think I can add any insights except that I am also the mum of a depressed/anxious teenage boy and send you all the best wishes in the world. C x

[Kleintje]

Hi Geoff

Things are just so so .....nothing to really be too concerned about which is cause for concern..... we have left the channels of communication open with our son, but he is choosing to maintain silence. He has started some study at TAFE which is hopefully going to give him more of a sense of direction. He is still not really engaging with other members of society.... just a bit at work (in the night club on weekends) but nothing on a social level. He is not playing sport (and was good at sport until he had an injury which knocked him about).... he is helping his brother a little who also has his own business... so we wonder if there is a bit of jealousy that his twin brother is having fun and enjoying life and he is in a rut. Regarding finances, we know that he is struggling, but we have done quite a lot to prop him up, that there comes a time we can no longer do it and that is very soon. We have tried to explain this to him .....It is hard as you don't want to see them really down and out, but maybe that is what needs to happen. The lack of communication is frustrating.....Such a contrast to our daughter who has come to terms with her situation and not that everything is good all the time, she has been very positive in realising her brush with death and working to heal herself. She has created a webpage/blog and has been extremely honest about her feelings and that has also helped others who have read it talk about situations that have affected them too...... I am not sure whether her brother has read it ....which is a shame as I think it could help him. We will continue to guide, support and it is great to know that there are others that can offer support to me as often you feel like you are an island. So Thank you ...

[Kleintje]

where to now? broached what is happening again (it is a constant thing). He wants us to tell him what to do..is that so he can lay blame? He won't act upon any suggestions. Refuses to see someone but does realise he has a problem but denying he is depressed. His behaviour is causing much grief within the entire family. It has affected my relationship with him, my husband and friends. I feel as though I have failed him in many ways. I am trying to deal with my own issues of self identity and it is so hard to offer support when I feel I don't have any myself. I don't want to socialise as I am embarrassed when asked what is he up to... no one wants to hear the reality of what is happening or can understand unless they have experienced it themselves. Having to keep up this 'happy' persona is so hard as it is such a lie and I am started to feel down constantly when alone. I feel that if we sever ties (as the final ultimatum for him to take control) it could lead to dire consequences.... having had one child attempt to take their own life, I don't know how I could cope with it again.I tried to talk to my doctor to no avail.. his reply was..'he is an adult and needs to make the decision to seek help'.. true, but how can we convince him he is not in a good place and that by talking it out with professionals may help him with this ....

[C_L]

Hi there.

I'm not sure I have the answers for you - but I do know I have found it helpful to speak to a professional - a psychologist - who was able to give me some insight into my own patterns and reactions/feelings/coping mechanisms - and by extension - it has given me some ideas around new ways to deal with my sons mental health challenges. I only had a few sessions but I have found it enormously helpful. I wish you all the very best - I understand how frustrating and exhausting this whole process can be. Take Care. Cx