Depressed boyfriend appears to have Borderline Personality Disorder

[WorriedPartner]

Hi there,

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about my depressed boyfriend breaking up with me during a dark space. A pyschologist who knows both myself and my now ex-boyfriend has told me he believes he is suffering with BPD, which would explain a lot of his confusing and abnormal behaviours. This provides me with relief that I was not going 'crazy' (as his behaviour was extremely , confusing).

He has extremely low, depressed moods at times (like when he broke up with me only days after talking seriously about marriage), severe anger issues, a huge fear of abandonment/being alone, he is extremely jealous, often says he feels an 'empty' feeling, he has never had stable relationships, has threatened suicide, has extreme irratibility and sometimes paranoia. He has broken up with me 5 times seemingly out of no where (no fights, no sign of trouble at all), and always come back within a month.

This time feels very different though- he was very depressed this time, unlike the others, and I am still worried, confused and feeling helpless. I feel like the best option is for me to give distance and no contact- I don't feel like I can do anything. We are not in the same country right now so it helps with keeping me from reaching out and stopping by to check on him. I am trying to respect his wishes of wanting to break up, but my mind keeps returning to his confusing and sometimes scary behaivour.

The relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I was very 'normal' before, and now I have nightmares, anxiety with panic attacks and

[WorriedPartner]

quite dark thoughts at times. I really am unsure of what to do next, and how to move on from a huge roller-coaster relationship. I really do love this man, and we had amazing times when he was stable. He is unaware (to my knowledge) he has BPD, and he refuses to believe he has anything wrong with him at times (and instead it is the world picking on him from his perspective).

Does anyone have any advice about this kind of breakup? Is distance and no contact the best decision for myself? I want to be mentally healthy and strong again, and I feel quite destroyed after trying to 'keep the peace' for so long. I truly love this man and believed we were meant to be, but I am now wondering if that was part of a game when we first met. Everyone around me has noticed this and commented that it appears he is playing a cat and mouse game.

I really do believe he is suffering a mental illness quite badly, but once he comes out of these depressed episodes he refuses to believe it is anything deeper. He always comes back to me once he breaks up, but this time I really feel like he has used me up to the best of his ability. It is confusing and scary for me. One minute he is showing me enagement rings, the other he is throwing things and breaking up with me. I am so unsure.

Any advice would really help.

[Nikkir]

Hi WorriedPartner,

Thanks for reaching out to us. I really feel for you, it must be very difficult to be on such unstable ground alot of the time and not knowing what the future holds or what he is going to do. Firstly, you need to take care of yourself, maybe talk to a GP and or counsellor or therapist so you can build up yourself and process some of what you have been going through. Do you have plans to reunite and be in the same country again ? There is not alot you can do if he won't acknowledge that he has a problem and seek help. I am not in a position to diagnose, maybe you could reach out to our DR Kim on BB, but he does sound like his emotions are up and down and breaking things and then happy, not a good space. However, as to what you do about it, you could just say if you saw him again I need to set boundaries. You need help, I can't do this anymore the way it is. We have to take care of ourselves before we take care of others its just how life is, its not selfish its just a fact. BPD can be many disorders, he may require medication to stabilise his body and brain, he may need therapy, he may have a number of things BPD is quite general unless he is diagnosed by a professional it really is hard to say what he has and where it started. The main thing is set boundaries and take care of yourself. Take it from me as a person who has cared for someone with BPD, take care of yourself and you will wear yourself out before they will especially if they are not ready to seek help. Here is a link from bb https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

You can call us on 1300 22 4636 or chat online anytime. We hope to hear how you are doing. If it is BPD there are many many options for treatment and resources but for now, you need to focus on you. Much love Nikkir x

[WorriedPartner]

Hi Nikkir,

Thanks so much, it really helps me by sharing this online as my family and friends really don't understand the complexity of the situation (they are a bit old-fashioned and just see my ex boyfriend as being attention seeking and narcissistic, when I really see much more going on).

I have been talking to a counsellor who has helped me a lot, and it feels good to have an objective, non-judgemental third party provide advice and reassurance that I am not losing my mind- my ex boyfriend has been so up and down I was starting to think I was the one with the problem.

He was supposed to come back to Australia in 2 months once he got help for his depression back overseas, however now we have broken up (again..) I am unsure if he will return or reach out again, although he has every single other time, but this time might be different (which just adds more stress to the situation, because it leaves me uncertain and in the dark). If he did return or reach out, I had already planned to have a serious sit down with him and try and explain how deeply this impacts me and my own life, although I feel like I did this last time and he promised he would go and talk to someone but didn't.

I do love him, I do see a serious future with him and it is hard for me to let go of all of that. I have a conflict of emotions and unfortunately I am starting to feel serious resentment towards him, which I never have before, but this time I feel really pushed to the very edge. He has done some horrible, cruel things to me, but also been a supportive, patient and loving man as well, so it is hard for me to believe what is real, and what is not, and what is his mental illness.

Thank you so much for your response and being so understanding, and also providing information on BPD. My goal is to keep staying healthy and focussing on other productive things, but I will admit it has been extremely hard since he cut me off without an explanation, once again.

I often have nightmares of some of the horrible things he did and said to me during his anger/mania episodes, and then other times I remember the really amazing memories we shared and I feel incredibly depressed and anxious wondering whether he will return. My loved ones have all commented that I have changed, and I am frightened this relationship has changed me somehow.

Thanks again Nikkir, you have really helped by reaching out.

[159357]

I have no experience with this so i can't help but,

I honestly hope you sort these things out, it might get worse if you don't

[Sophie_M]

Hello everyone, we're closing this thread as it is on the same topic as an earlier thread (linked below).  Please feel free to continue your discussion in the original thread - it's much easier for members to follow an ongoing story if it's all kept together. Thanks!

Depressed boyfriend pushing me away and feels like a burden