What can we do?

[Kleintje]

I believe my son is suffering depression. He shows many of the symptoms as indicated on the website. When he graduated as a paramedic and couldn't get a job, he just wallowed - no clear direction. We convinced him (finally) to see a career psychologist which he did and it did seem to help a little as he has some ideas but still nothing really concrete. He doesn't live at home but stays at ours when we go away. We noticed money has gone missing when we have been away. He is now using online gambling sites (via a credit card which we have access to) and we are concerned he has got himself into serious trouble and owes money. We wonder if he is on drugs hence the need for money.... we are providing some financial support but it has gone too far and it isn't fair on the other children who are self sufficient. Just don't know where to begin...who to seek help from for both him and us as we are finding it is weighing heavily on our minds.

[blondguy]

Hello Kleintje

A warm welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting. I am Paul and can try to be of some help to you..

I am sorry for what you are going through right now. Graduating as a paramedic is a great achievement as you are well aware. It is great that he eventually agreed to see a health professional. If I may ask....did your son show any relief of any sort after seeing his therapist? The visits have the best results when attended on a regular basis....even with occasional support from his Gp for 'fine tuning'

I am concerned that your son stays at the family home when you are away.....and you have had money going missing as well. Being caring parents you have given your son your full trust which is commendable. Please forgive me but that is 2 red flags so far.....and the third one is the gambling online. And you are also kindly providing financial support too.

I have had depression for many years and have spent 30 years in senior corporate roles that involved training trainers...so I do understand depression and its ramifications. I am just a bit stuck and if I may ask you what your son does during the day and if he is being pro-active seeking employment considering his achievements?

Since these forums are very secure and private I have had an issue with a dear friend (a senior manager) that needed a place to stay because he was in a financial mess. After 6 months I found out he was stealing from his employer to fund his gambling habit. I ended up finding out when his directors came here to Melb from Sydney to query the company losses. He is a kindhearted fellow executive that lied to my face everyday and also took money and valuables.....and stored them in my home...oh my..that hurt. I do hope that the access to the credit card you have kindly provided can be restricted/terminated.

As per any drug usage does your son have any symptoms that you can (if you wish) elaborate on? The money disappearing is most likely the online gambling...any drug usage would show more severe symptoms/behavior like weight loss.....chronic lack of sleep...cooking food at 3am and making a lot of noise doing so...asking to borrow/or just taking the keys to your car...traffic fines...a short temper...shakes..tremors....pale/grey complexion. I have experience in helping a person that was on a very nasty and highly addictive drug that is unfortunately 'popular' now. I am not saying for a moment that your son has any issue here...just politely asking.

Paul tbc

[blondguy]

cont'

There are many kind people on the forums that can provide you with the support you need as loving and caring parent(s) not to mention your other children that are self sufficient. I understand you very well when you wrote you just don't know where to begin. You have just begun here...and for the courage to do so. I usually check my inbox everyday and I do hope you can post back...if you wish of course.

My Kindest thoughts to you and your family.........You are not alone here Kleintje

Paul

[Kleintje]

Hi Paul

thank you so much for responding...my husband approached our son tonight to discuss many of the issues ...re excessive spending on the credit card.. he is apparently helping a mate and is paying his registration (ie we are) and whilst we admire his efforts to help someone else out, he needs to help himself first. (I am getting the conversation second hand as I wasn't home as felt it better to do a father/son situation) He admitted he needs help but denied thinking a psychologist would help (so not quite sure where he thinks his help will come from)..He said that he knows that his deceased grandparents would all be disappointed with him.. which to me does not auger well in his state of mind. He cut up his credit card so now he has no 'fall back' option. His comment about gambling was to try and get money quick to help the situation (which of course has made it worse). To add to this, my husband has his own business and has been under pressure for a while. Whenever I suggest ways to alleviate that, I am told to mind my own business... but all I am trying to do is make the situation workable for all. We have probably let this go on too long before addressing things, but one of our other children attempted suicide last year (whilst living overseas and they are still there) and so we were concentrating on that situation and ignoring this one. The last thing I want to do is push him over the edge where he feels worthless the best solution is for him not to be here. He really is a good person, has so much to offer but is in limbo. No he is not actively seeking employment (working a few part time jobs but nothing with any real long term future)... The therapist was a short term career option, but we believe he needs to seek more about his self worth.Re drugs... he doesn't eat very well (lives on Iced Coffees and smokes)..no real pride in his appearance (in general but does make an effort for special occasions)..just wondering if that is why he needs money to feed a drug addiction (he denies it).So easy for one to have a few more drinks to try and ease the feelings of angst one is having.... and I know it is important for us to remain strong to be able to help

[blondguy]

Hello Kleintje, no worries..I am happy to help,

You have a ton to deal with right now. I am very sorry to hear about on of your children overseas and being in a dark place. That would be horrible for you with the geographics involved. I have a 23 year old daughter in a dark place right now that is refusing any help..even mine. It breaks my heart but as you said 'they have to want to help themselves first'

Your husband being a director would be under significant strain. You are a kind and good hearted person to offer your help and receive the answer you did makes my mind boggle...that was cold....ice cold.

If a person is taking drugs another tell tale sign is being underweight and poor sleep if any. Helping a friend with his rego is kind (of you) but its still a decent chunk of cash and unusual especially not working.If any property or items that can be pawned/sold disappear is a huge red flag where addiction is concerned. Remaining strong is important however it is easily said..Being there for him is a huge start but it is very difficult to deal with denial when your son or my daughter wont help themselves

Denying the help from a psychologist......same as my daughter. Your son mentioning that his deceased grandparents would be disappointed is a worry. He also doesnt get it that depression is no different to a physical illness like diabetes or hypertension...a broken limb...a virus. Depression is still chemically based in nature making it a physically based illness even though the symptoms are psychological.

I am usually on the forums once a day and you are more than welcome to post back again Kleintje

My Kind Thoughts for you

Paul

[Kleintje]

Feel as though we have alienated our son...he is very cool towards us since we brought things to a head.He doesn't seem to want to help himself..how far do we go...we have cut out financial support (just providing a roof over his head..as he living with his brother who is also covering his costs...)when will he realise he has hit rock bottom and needs to change what he is doing...I want to be there for him but wonder if at the moment it is best to just let him be and wait for him to make contact ...is it worth writing to him..saying how I feel without getting too caught up in the now and what he isn't doing?....I would be devastated if something happened and I did not act ...

[geoff]

dear Kleintje, there is so much that you and your husband have had to and presently trying to cope with and all of this is a great worry for the both of you.
I am sincerely so sorry for knowing that one of your children tried to commit suicide and being so far away, so there are problems on all fronts here as well as your husband's business struggling, what a great deal to cope with all at once.
Your son who has been taking money out your card, and any child doesn't like their credit taken away from them, but at the moment that's the best decision you have made, but from what you have said it sounds as though he maybe on drugs, because living on 'iced coffee and smoking' a lot is a give away that he is on drugs, what type I don't know, but if he is smoking marijuanilla then this could normally lead onto something else, something stronger, I don't know if this is what is happening, but every person on drugs will never admit they are taking them.
You may get an answer from your other son who he is living with, but you have to be discrete when asking him questions, so just ask about where he sleeps and does he need any more blankets, ask him if you can go into his room there maybe signs which could tell you, but just have a good look around rather than ask too many questions before what will happen is that he too will close up.
If he is on drugs, and I can't be sure I'm right, but he will money.
I am only surmising here, but for him to pay for his mates registration sounds a bit funny.
I really hope that you get back to us, because we would like to follow this through with you.
I am also concerned that you may need to see your doctor, because it's a hell of a lot to handle. Geoff. x

[Kleintje]

Thank you Geoff for taking the time to read and reply....it is so hard as you want the best for your children but there comes a point where you can't do any more without it having a cascading effect on the family....I have been in his room but don't know what to look for...he is very smart (in some ways not so)..so could cover his tracks re drugs....he doesn't drink (occasional beer) so I am not worried about alcohol....I really don't know how to help him help himself...have said all I can without being too demonstrative and accusing.....I just want him to feel that he has a purpose in life....and to work for it ...rather than just drifting.......to add to it all ..my daughter is experiencing g some lows... (and there who was on a scholarship but blew both knees in her course of study and playing...graduated with high honors. ..but soccer is her love...she is very intense with relationships and invests her whole being when she meets someone..so when things don't work out it is a massive drop in confidence etc...I am not sure how I can help everyone and still remain in control of myself

[geoff]

dear Kleintje, thank you so much for getting back to me, it means a great deal to me.
Every parent does want to help any or all of their children, just as you have said, but depending on what type of drug he is on, he will slip up somewhere along the line, and if he is smoking marijuanilla using what they call 'a bomb' it's can be made out of a plastic bottle, can or something else which could be hidden under his bed or amongst his clothes but it will have some water in it or look under his bed.
He could also hide it in the garage or his car or he could smoke it like a cigarette but it's a fat looking cigarette, or if he is doing it by needles then he will always need to cover up his arms, making sure that his shirt is covering down to his wrists, I'm sorry to say all of this, but if it's tablet form then he will hide them in a drawer probably, with easy access, and remember he will slip up somehow, especially if he is 'high'.
Aggression can also be an indicator.
It's never easy to stop them once they start and that's what hurts the most, because any suggestion for him to get help will go in one ear and out the other, and if you try and force him this will only make it worse.
You may have tried to research online but google this 'how do you help your son who is on drugs in aus' as well as 'where can parents go for drug support when their son is using them'.
I applaud you for trying to remain in control, but hell it's not easy as there is so much for you to try and handle, but I would love for you to keep in contact, and can I also suggest that you go and talk to your doctor. Geoff. x

[Kleintje]

I haven't been able to find any sign of drugs....but I am getting more worried about his state of being....he is not getting up out of bed .. (as mentioned, he doesn't live at home but near in a house we are renovating which he is supposed to be helping with).....my husband is a high achiever and sets very high expectations on everyone...I feel that our son is feeling he is not good enough and everything he does is wrong...., he refuses to seek help in any form....I have made an appointment with our doctor ..hopefully we can get some tips as to how we can get him to realise he needs assistance to work through this...we are wanting to help but he is pushing us so much....it is affecting our relationship as we are Snapping at each other as we both try to come to terms with this scenario...the last thing we want to do is push him over the edge.....the lack of motivation, the lack of desire to interact with any part of society ...no real friends looking out for him....he is feeling so isolated and I am feeling his pain but I then say things out of frustration......trying to keep a happy face is hard too......