Relatives after brain surgery - personality change, anger, depression and anxiety

[Gruffudd]

My brother has had some tumours removed from his brain and is sort of fine physically but we are experiencing a different boy than before, angry, anxious, depressed. I think he is quite scared too. He is very rigid. The nurses deserve a bravery award. As a five year old when the same thing happened with my dad I asked the doctor if I could unplug the machine. He said, no. Has anyone got some advice more constructive then my question to the doctor back then? My brother is quite difficult to be around at the moment. Dad is not much better as he is thinking about his own head.

[geoff]

hi Rob, I am truly upset that your brother has had to suffer through this, and sometimes we think that life isn't fair and so many times it's not and rather perplexed as to why he has to go through this terrible ordeal.
I know from myself by an experience I wish I never wanted to happen, but it did, and it also changed my personality to be exactly the same as how your brother feels, because what it does is make you live in a world of your own, no one can comprehend the seriousness of this so their life just goes on normally, while we struggle with our main and most important organ that has been disturbed, because we can't perform the tasks properly if our brain has been affected , so there are many chronological functions that need to learnt once again, so this causes us to be annoyed and frustrated.
People may tell us 'not to worry' and just go on doing what we usually do, but it's never that simple, because we can't and that's what people don't understand.
His memory is going to be greatly affected, suffering from headaches, tastes change, needing plenty of sleep, and the medicine may make him feel sleepy, which is going to annoy him because he won't be able to perform what he used to do.
I'm really sorry for this but can you please let us know the results of the tumor because this will be very important. Geoff.

[Gruffudd]

Thanks Geoff,

It wasn't cancer but was large enough to kill. It will make for some long term challenges. One big one going by dad will be keeping the family and work together. He isn't that nice to be around at the moment, mind you dad doesn't think anything is wrong.

R.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi - I certainly feel for you and you family and friends in trying to manage your brother and his change of personality. Have a look at this information sheet as I think it gives some helpful points that lets you see how you are not alone 

http://synapse.org.au/information-services/impact-of-brain-injury-on-families-carers.aspx

Whether the cause of the ABI ( Aquired Brain Injury ) is traumatic, due to illness, drugs or any number of reasons.. the effects can be so varied. For some it is quite dramatic, but for others it is subtle .. just things you can’t quite put your finger on but they just don't quite seem the same. It could be that their sense of humour isn’t the same , or their tolerance to frustration or their ability to concentrate or empathise.

For most people they come into contact with, these things may not even be so noticeable, but for the people that knew them really well before even small changes can seem very obvious.

With your brother it seems that not only you have noticed the changes, but maybe he has to, and maybe that it's part of why he is so sad , angry and anxious. The rigidity may be a way to deal with anxiety or may be part of his ABI (more concrete thinking). I hope that you can feel compassion for him and hope that he is trying his best given his ABI.

All you can do is stand on the sidelines and bear witness to his struggle. Applaud any success and help him to pick up the pieces when he messes up . Continue to encourage him to get ongoing therapy to “retrain" his brain to work better and FEEL better as it seems that he feels pretty awful a lot of the time.  (The recent work in neuroplasticity tells us people can improve after ABI) .However , don't beat yourself up if you can’t “make him” see help or change. 

Also don’t be upset with yourself if you don't really like him and the way he behaves at the moment . You are human too. Just try and find in your heart to see him through the lens of someone with “problems" and just be kind when you can. I think a similar construct might work for your dad! 

In the meantime, look after yourself and your own happiness… 

[Croix]

Dear Rob~

Everybody else has said it all except for one thing. If you turn it around nobody could ask for a more caring, understanding and supportive soul as a son or brother.

If it was me , and knowing how I tend to react to things, in the long term I might feel anger and resentment mixed in with the grief and loss as a brother does not live in accordance with expectations from the past.

Os gwelwch yn dda yn arbed rhywfaint o dosturi i chi eich hun.

Please save some compassion for yourself.

Croix

[Gruffudd]

Thank you Dr Kim, there are plenty of useful resources on that website. One thing is certain, he is always my brother and has always given me plenty I like and that I don't much like. I do have my worries for him. Particularly as his work is people based which will present him with more challenges then dad had in reconnecting because dad worked with machines. Time will tell though.

Diolch i chi, Croix. I think mother and I might need a holiday once everything settles. Now that we have mostly moved into our adjoining houses a spare room has been made ready for my brother. It might help settle after a most uncomfortable week back hone with the family.