Need urgent help with adult son.

MrB · ‎17-01-2015

My son is 37 years old, has his own business, has a series of failed relationships and is continually depressed. He is addicted to alcohol, smoking, weed, a prescription drug and Facebook yet manages to live an almost "normal" life. He was brought up in a peaceful, loving home and given every opportunity in life to succeed yet he chooses to live in squalor. How can a person who grew up with highly motivated people and enjoyed the fruits of their labour be so completely unmotivated? How can a person change from a normal 16 year old boy to someone I can barely recognize? How can a person become so utterly lazy? How can a person be less thankful for what has been done for them? He does not take care of himself any more. My wife excuses everything he does by saying that he is ill, that he is sick, that he is suffering from depression. I have done everything in my power to accept her diagnosis but even if I do, it doesn’t make it any easier for me to cope with the situation. He is a source of constant friction between us. What should I do? Stay with him every day and live his life for him? Make him rich over-night by giving everything I have saved for retirement? Physically drag him to doctors and counselors yet again? Walk away and not come back? Show up every three months and work my guts out to restore everything back to “normal?” Today I walked into his house an hour ago. I have been working with him and helping him and cleaning up for a week. He had been “asleep” for 16 hours and had cats in with him. The house was full of their crap and stunk. He barely stirred when I asked if he was alive. I had to leave – I could not cope. I have no answers? I have no-one who can help. Any suggestions?

white knight · ‎18-01-2015

Hi Mr B. Welcome to beyond blue forums.

I'm glad you posted, but I dont know if you'll be happy with my response.

A few things you said in your post implies strongly that your son is indeed in depression, deep depression. Which means a number of things.

It is great you have tried to help him clean up/cope. But if you have with you expectations of him to transform into a "normal" person then you will and have become - disappointed. Then, this disappointment downloads to statements or questions to him in an authoritarian voice and guess what- it will not help the situation, it wont make him conform and it will only lead to you being resented by him and your wife.

Depression is one of the least understood things by "normal" people. I mean, you have this theory, that having been brought up in a clean and orderly household, with good parenting (and I'm sure he has) that he should mimic such lifestyle and habits himself. But he is ill. Very ill.

Your wife has told you this. But you dont like it if she defends him because she actually has her own mind and she may well realise the extent of his illness. There is "friction" between you and her because you want her to agree with you. But to her credit she is an individual and exercises her right to stand by a person that is unwell. What a mum

Because of your level of frustration I would suggest that you do indeed "walk away".Leave the situation to your wife and medical staff.

This doesnt mean you dont love him but it means you do not have the necessary patience nor understanding to cope with it. Add to that a view of yours of 'expectation' and your son might very well have a view of himself of 'not ever being good enough' in his fathers eyes. Loss of confidence is a major player in the world of the depressed.

Your son needs to be handled with kid gloves,care and patience. Professionals know now that depression needs be allowed to run its cycle and only when that cycle runs out can he begin to act more normally like in terms of hygiene and normal sleep patterns and length of sleep.If he tries too hard to recover, be too positive, or he is obliged to snap out of it,he will take longer to recover.

Some threads you can search for (even if you only read the first post) using the search function above that might make sense are

Depression-a ship on the high seas

Meltdown-back to basics

6 tips for helping the mind- when things dont sink in

Once recovered offer to take him camping.And have no expectations,only encouragement.

Tony WK

MrB · ‎19-01-2015

Thanks Tony, I needed that boot in the rear from someone else. It is just so sad and frustrating to see your child in such a position ad I feel beyong helpless. Thanks for the advice.

Bruce

white knight · ‎19-01-2015

Hi Mr B

Perhaps you did. But the honour and the courage came when you replied in the manner in which you did.

Now that that is over and dusted, good luck with your new insight.

You are not alone in your previous approach. So easy to not see this despicable illness. So easy to feel sad and frustrated.

If you didnt then you love for him wouldnt be as strong as it is.

Onwards and upwards. Tony WK

Luci3 · ‎12-03-2017

Hi Mr B - I really admire the fact that you've opened up about your pain at seeing your son's plight- and that's resulted in the spot-on response from White Knight, which you have recognised that you needed. I cried when I read of your wife's support of her son - what a beautiful, brave and sensitive lady. My insight is not as a professional, but as a long-term sufferer of major depression, with bouts of living in squalor also. I'm quite sure that if your son was capable of cleaning things up and not living in such a state, he would. He probably feels deep, deep shame and guilt, particularly as he's had 'every opportunity'. It is easy to judge others if one has minimal knowledge of what others are dealing with. (Just as an aside, his cats are giving him acceptance and love which he so desperately needs, and they love him no matter what a mess the place is.) To bring a different perspective to things, and your judgement of your son - do you have a common ailment which afflicts many? e.g. needing glasses to read properly. Imagine if one of your family, who had not experienced such an affliction was saying that they had never needed glasses and that you didn't need them - and was implying that you could try harder, and you were the cause of considerable despair for them, because of your attitude that you couldn't read without them. Well that attitude would be just ridiculous, right? - Of course it would, because that affliction is something you can't do anything about. In fact, this is your son's situation - no doubt he would love to be up and about, with a nice clean house, achieving things etc, but his affliction is something which he is powerless to do anything about at this point. Believe me, his anguish about the situation is probably far more than yours. It will be agonising, and he will feel that he is stuck in it. My father who is now deceased, had a tendency to always judge me harshly (he had lived through the Depression, the War etc etc). I still feel sad to think of the hardships which he and others of his generation experienced, but he was unaware of the painful situations which i had experienced, largely as i did not want to cause pain to my parents by telling them. When he was dying, he used to tell me how much he loved me, and i could tell that he meant it then. By that stage, he'd recognised that i had some qualities that others didn't. Don't let your view of things to prevent him from knowing you truly care. He needs to know this.

white knight · ‎12-03-2017

Hi mr b

Thankyou gor listening.

Your love for your son is without question. Good luck

Tony WK

Dan1576 · ‎12-03-2017

Hi Mr B. The addictions your son is exhibiting are what are known as a 'dual diagnosis' in the Mental Health and Alcohol and Other Drugs field. This combination of mental illness and drug dependency is all too common. The drug dependency develops to mask the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness the person is feeling.

Unfortunately the relief from drugs is only temporary and dependency only exacerbates the condition. I learnt this through my dependence on prescription medication after the onset of my mental illness. My mental illness was bad but made infinitely worse by taking other drugs.

I suggest you try and get your son some professional help (psychologists, drug and alcohol counselling, GP) as it sounds like he will have difficulty turning this around himself , even with the help of people such as yourself. I suspect he will need to address the drug and alcohol issues first before tackling the underlying mental health issues but the situation definitely warrants some professional intervention.

On an end note, look after yourself and your wife. Get professional help yourself if you think you would benefit. Your son is not the only one suffering in this situation and there is only so much you can do. That how much is for you to decide; not anyone else. From someone who has been in a similar position to your son, you have permission to not blame yourself and grieve for the sense of loss your feeling.

Again I'd say try and involve professional help. You're at your wit's end and you need all the assistance you can get.