New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

[DanielV]

Hello Everyone,

I've just become a member here.  I'm in my mid 30s and have a younger sister and brother.  My brother, a couple of years younger than I; has Borderline Personality Disorder.  He has found life incredibly difficult since he was young and we (the family) simply didn't know what was going on.  We've had round after round of serious events with my brother, where crisis after crisis have severely impacted his life to the point where he has needed family help.

 Recently, he seems to have taken a turn for the worse, after a relationship with a woman broke down.  He describes being so torn by the breakup and seems unable to completely sever contact with her and so continually seems tormented by this person.  As a family member its so hard to know whether to advise him to cut of all contact with this person, or to accept that maybe, with his condition; he CAN'T simply cut off contact. 

 Getting through Christmas was difficult.  We (the family) knew he could go off at any time and we had agreed to keep conversations with him mild and let any outbursts go unchallenged, for fear of fueling the fire.

 Today my brother called me and was in an explosive mood and some perceived wrong I had done him.  I feel very guilty about this, but he arced me up and I responded with fire as well.  I regret that.  He hung up amid a fire of accusations and it left me feeling scared, upset, angry and deeply unsettled.  To say this has happened before is an understatement.

 I'm looking to reach out to others.  We as a family are having very limited success getting my brother into ongoing treatment and now it has got to the point where we now need some people to share our experiences with.

If there are any families out there living with a Borderline Personality family member, I'd be very interested in forming a social network.  Meet up didn't seem to have many such groups, so I thought best to come here.

 Thanks for your time and if you read this message, thank you for your time and energy.

[white knight]

Hi Grateful Today, thankyou for your post

Yes,those labels are simplistic and mean, hurtful etc but for some it hits the mail on the head- for me the extracts of her book printed on the internet solve a lifelong issue with me about my mother.

See, she would never get help, to concede the train wreck was happening behind her - hurting deeply the ones she is suppose to love and protect, was never in her thoughts. She was always right and I feared her.

My sister and I have been estranged from her for 5 years now and we are in our 50's. We are still emotionally clawing back our lives that we should have had, a life of calm, adult discussions,, supportive attitudes and care. The swings and roundabouts our mother had us chained to was unsustainable.

You are correct that those with BPD arent the best judges of the illness. The best judges IMO those on the receiving end.

But I admire your frankness.

This xmas just gone has been the 5th xmas my sister and I have had without any sign of turmoil. 5 years ago we sat down and decided we now have our own family to lead without our mother causing havoc and upset. We decided to create a calm atmosphere of commitment and care. It worked.

As for my mother now 84yo she has remarried. She still works behind the scenes with relatives trying to prove we are evil, twisting facts, manipulating and dreaming up ways to "force" us to comply, to give up our stance. She still holds onto her power with some. Cousins have been lost as they "side" with her. Loving aunties also elderly are scared my mother will find out they are in contact with us.She is so convincing.

The best example of how bad this was- my first marriage in 1985. One week before the wedding it was like an explosion came, she went into full flight over such minor issue. It is always a small trigger that sets her off. Hence we can never avoid lighting the fuse.

In 2010 I was to wed the second time. I was estranged from her. My daughter told me my mother said "I'm going to be in that town that day (the day of my wedding)" Our town is 4 hours drive from hers.

It was a way of again trying to haunt/stalk and ruin. I got a intervention order. If I had seen her car on my wedding day I would be a mess. The wedding went off great. But I had to ensure that..such is her power of fear.

But few understand. the magistrate, prior to issuing the order said "she is 80 years old, an old woman"!  To which I replied.."yes, but 80yo women can mentally torture you too".

The order was granted.

Tony   WK

[Pixie15]

Hi Tony,

What do you think is the female equivalent of a white knight?

What a story. I do not want to meet your mother. Isn't it funny how we always expect older people to be nicer. The trouble is that a lot of people who are on the receiving end of the caring do not really understand as in many cases they are just too young. I was actually thinking about QuentinBarnes post when I wrote what I did about the carer. I do not think that someone with BPD would be the best to care for an elderly and frail person. If it were my mother I would be trying to get her into a nursing home.

I had a guest for Christmas who has been diagnosed with BPD. Although not undergoing treatment at present. When I tried to maintain my boundaries she tried to use her child in a very mean way to make me feel bad. The child actually asked me when we were alone together if I am a bad person. Thankfully the child has other influences in her life at the present that seem to be more positive. I don't know. It really worries me. But there is nothing I can do.

Cheerio,

Grateful.

[white knight]

Hi GT,

"When I tried to maintain my boundaries she tried to use her child in a very mean way to make me feel bad"    Triangulation is a prime weapon of the cronic BPD.

For 54 years I was never close to my sister until we both split from mother. And we have remained close.

The only thing left for us to do was remove her most needed weapon- communication. All communication.

Three letters were sent to me post our split. All returned to her unopened.  I knew what were in those letters. Things like "if your father was alive he'd be disgusted in you" and many more statements of hurt and ridicule.

Ones life begins truly when you no longer need to know whats in such letters and when nothing she says can heal the wounds inflicted.

There is no game when there is only one player. My mother knows no other way of behaviour but to manipulate and one minute make you the golden child then next week the villain. Sadly that up and down effect all my life has had its results. Moodiness, mental illnesses like bipolar 2, depression and dysthymia.

I just no longer wanted to be one of her chess pieces.

Tony WK

Tony  WK

[Happygal]

Hi Daniel

I have read the different posts and am saddened to see that so many family members just give up. I know it is hard to deal with BPD, but it is a mental illness and, if we love them we should try and help them. I am interested in how you go with trying to get him help. I am also on the verge of trying to get my husband to agree and accept help to, which i have little chance of achieving but i will try for his sake and mine. Even though life with him can be very hard, i love him deeply and at times he can be very loving and fun. I am not giving up on him and hopefully i cna get him some help. The book seems like a good idea, i could buy it and one day he may just look at it. Good luck and i look forward to your reply.

[white knight]

Hi happygal.

Quote "and am saddened to see that so many family members just give up.".  Unfortunately BPD sufferers. mainly those that do not seek treatment for various reasons including denial ("it's you that has the problem") leave a trail of destruction as they go through their lives.

I've googled "children of parents with BPD" and found after much reading that such children (like myself) can and often do develop mental illness from being raised by such parents. So, yes you are correct, BPD sufferers have a mental illness, but their treatment of others can be so severe, so hurtful and so possessive that their children end up with other illnesses like bipolar and depression. Even loss of confidence.

So as a result of this, We children have to not only cope with our parent placing huge stress on our lives but we need to cope with our own illnesses.

And where you end up at that point is- try to convince the BPD parent to seek treatment. BPD sufferers are known to not seek treatment then when they do they dont last in therapy for very long due to their stubborn stance.

In the end (in my case I'm 58yo so say at least 50 years of tolerating this) you are desperate to have a calm, stable and content life without the manipulation, outbursts, demands, childish pranks and scheming.

I apologise if I paint this mother of mine in such a manner that others reading here will be hurt by this description, and every case is different with various degrees of severity of the illness. but I had had enough. It was time to care for myself.

The stories I can tell over decades would astound many. But one trait of my mother hits the nail on the head. I read it in extracts of Dr Christine Lawsons "walking on egg shells". She says that the "queen" character of the BPD mother treats her children as if they are an extension of herself, owned by her and even as a 50yo man "you will obey me" was in her stance. She owned us children and any behaviour not 100% perfect and 100% for her benefit would not be tolerated. Consequences would begin, the defaming with relatives, the threats of erasing you from the family will (not that I cared) or the worst...causing conflict between us siblings.

We've just finished xmas. For 5 years straight it went off very well. My sister and I had a ball, cared and loved each other without the beat up stories, the lies and the games.

Forgiveness has been tried many times. Had she tried treatment it would have been different. There is a limit to everything in life.

[Happygal]

Hello White Knight

Yes i can understand that after many years you would just want a peaceful life. I have suffered the same as you in many ways and yes i have depression, but luckily i am getting treatment and improving. I do have to walk on eggshells as well at times and he always demands attention to himself but is not always willing to return the same attention.

We have just been away with family and he has been pretty good, whilst among them, as i suppose he doesnt want them to see. But this was a pleasant break for me from his moods. My stepdaughter also suffers from his behaviour, she lives with us, and she always says he treats me bad.

I am thinking of approaching him about it soon, but am very worried about it. Thankyou for your reply.