Partner with anxiety and depression

[Bett02]

My partner suffers from anxiety and depression. I love him and want to help him but I don't know how. Every time he has an attack he goes MIA. he says he needs to be alone and ensures me it has nothing to do with our relationship. I start to get so upset and it only gets worse and worse for the week that he goes without speaking to me. I don't know what's best, do I let him have his 'alone time' that says he needs, or do I try and be there? I do tell him I am there for him but I feel it's selfish for me to call him when he's told me he needs to be alone.  I am at a loss. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Bett02,

Welcome to BB. It is good that you are concerned for your partner. Only you can really judge if you need to leave him alone. He might just need some alone time. If he has set a boundary and you do not have any reason to believe that he is in immediate danger you probably need to respect that.

If your partner is not currently receiving any professional care you might want to try and encourage him to go and see his doctor. Also it is a good idea for you to educate yourself on depression and anxiety. 

If you want to continue in the relationship it would be helpful to have other things in your life to keep you going when he is MIA.

Sorry if I have not been much help. 

Grateful.

[Zeal]

Hi Bett02,

It's great that you're seeking advice about how to help your partner 🙂 When he has anxiety attacks, he probably feels overwhelmed and doesn't know how to control his fragile emotional state, and so chooses to be alone. He also may not want you to see him in his most vulnerable state, due to caring about your happiness and also maybe out of personal pride. These are possible explanations. As you are close to him, it's best to use your own judgement.

It must be hard to not speak to your partner for a week. This may not be a good option, but it's just an idea. When your partner is too distressed to talk to you in person and wants or needs to be physically alone, you could talk to him on facebook chat. This of course doesn't replace face-to-face contact, but could be helpful at times. He may be okay with some online conversation when he's in the mood. Being alone when you are depressed is unhelpful, but having anxiety as well complicates things. Tell your partner you understand he needs space, but that you are happy for him to be with you even when he isn't in his best state. If he knows that you are happy and willing to accept and be involved when he is experiencing periods of intense anxiety and depression, then that could be a real comfort to him. Sorry if you have already tried this!

It's great that your partner has told you that his behaviour isn't related to your relationship. You are doing nothing wrong at all. In fact, you seem very patient and accommodating. Tell your partner that not seeing him for these periods makes you quite upset, but that you understand why he wants space. Just have a talk with him when you're both in a good mood, and explain how you feel and that you are there for him.

Good luck with everything,

SM

[BELLE11]

Hi I am with a wonderful man that has just been diagnosed with depression. We are in a long distance relationship and we communicated daily from the day we met then he went mute for four days. When he finally contacted me he told me he was too embarrassed to tell me what was going on. I assured him he could talk to me about anything anytime and I wasn't going anywhere. He likes his alone time too and as I can't see him any time I want we made a promise to each other to have daily contact so that I knew he was ok. So I send a cheery good morning message every day without expectations. Sometimes he calls that night and I always thank him for doing so. But other times he will only message. I just explained to him when he was in the talking mood that I care deeply for him and when I don't hear from him I feel hurt. So no matter what type of day he is having he always sends at least one message. And I'm happy with that because it's way better than how panicked and sad I was feeling when he didn't. So I suggest you talk and explain your feelings in a non attacking way and take it one day at a time like we are. And I hope you get at least the same response I have from my boyfriend. The other thing I do is stay busy surrounding myself with family and friends and doing activities I enjoy so that I'm in a happy place and I also take a leisurely hour walk, it really helps clear my head so I can be positive if he gets in contact. 

[defunct]

Hi Bett02 & All,

I'm new to this so I apologise if my response is a little scattered or babble, please know I mean it with good intention, when I panic I just spit it out or back peddle. I admire and applaud you for being so honest, and trying to help your partner, its so easy for people to walk away.

I've suffered D&A for <3yrs, it's intensified during that time to intense paranoia and physically debilitating panic attacks. During an episode I can suffer: chest/neck constriction, loss speech, vertigo, blackout/faint, vomit, choke, hyperventilate, pace, and cry uncontrollably. After I'm embarrassed, I hate myself an I feel lost and overwhelmed, then retract and isolate. It's easier on me emotionally and mentally if he doesn't see me meltdown or in a depressive state. Sometimes I don't know why I'm D or A, and explaining that makes me feel stupid and crazy. When I do know the cause; I don't want pity, I'm scared of being judged and afraid of the response I'll get. I'm not saying you're anything like my partner or I'm like yours but from the perspective of a person dealing with it, we truly don't mean to hurt your feelings or make you feel like you're irrelevant, I always fear my partner will see I'm as "crazy" as I feel, and get tired of dealing with me and leave.

If I can offer any advice; just let him know he's in your thoughts, offer to hang out in places with few people, after an 'episode' ask once if he wants to talk about it and be as open minded as you can be, (little things like someone responding bluntly or slightly defensive, can cause me to breakdown and self loath; can't do right feeling.). Please just know I mean well an I hope I've helped, again i'm really sorry if i've babbled, made little sense or offended you. All the best Bett02