My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.

[boxhead]

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down.  All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking.  When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you.  I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle  I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it?  Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.  

[Dr_Busy]

Thanks.  Your post was very helpful.  I have a wife exactly like Boxhead's.  That's how I discovered this site, I googled, "My wife suffers from depression" and his post came up first.

Tonight, New Year's Eve, she laid into me about something I said on the phone as I was speaking with my son.  She was two rooms away, but heard anyway.  It wasn't derogatory - I was focused on trying to help my son be happy with where he is.  

He brought up moving to another state.  I advised him to be careful that he & his wife have a job, and then I thought of my wife as an example.  We moved to another state recently for an ideal job for me.  (It both pays well and is rewarding.  To top it off, she found it!)  But she's unable to locate a job for herself here that she both likes and finds financially rewarding.  She is happy with the opportunities for enriching activities she's found, but "they don't pay the bills."  

I put that into quotes because that's what I told my son.  I forgot that my wife might be listening two rooms away.  She was miserable the rest of the night.  And fell into one of her tirades in which I was terribly at fault & no matter what I said or did.  My validating her seemed to help.  But anything else I said or did was nothing but wrong.

So much for the "Happy New Year."

[Dr_Busy]

Thanks for you post, Geoff.  I have a wife a lot like Boxhead's & yours.

Actually, your former wife sounds a lot like my first wife.  I also ended up sinking a lot of money into black hole that couldn't be filled.

I agree with you about the medications.  My current wife was recently on an antidepressant.  It was a Godsend for helping her sleep, but the dose escalated & so she started seeing a new doctor who recommended she get off it.  Then she was hell while she tapered the dose down & transitioned to a new med.  I'm still not sure she's entirely off it.

Another thing I noticed tonight is that alcohol pretty consistently brings out the devil in her.  At first it helps her feel better and happy.  But, the lull after she slows drinking comes quickly (especially on an empty stomach).  The down phase from the alcohol brings out her depression with a vengeance.  I plan to hide the only bottle left.

I hate drinking on a regular basis.  But every once and a while, I just need the break. 

[Dr_Busy]

Great comments JasperGirl.  Thanks.

You're so right about work being an escape.  In my first marriage, I worked the kind of hours that Boxhead works & I feel, in the end, it only contributed to the divorce.  One nice mechanism I discovered in my current marriage is to take 24 hours and devote it to nothing but being with my family.  That one little step has made a world of difference.

I think my daughter suffers from some of the same things you describe.

A few days ago, we went walking on a nearby beach.  It was kinda fun, but our lovely daughter developed some blisters in the rubber boots she was wearing.  I was trying to help her get on her regular shoes before we got into the car when she started to scream like nobody's business.

Next thing I knew, I heard a slap and noticed our daughter's glasses on the ground.  Later I found out that:  where I was putting my thumb to help her heel into the shoe was exactly where she'd developed a blister.

My wife describes her as autistic.  But if that's true, then so am I.

I agree with your advise.  I've found group therapy to be extremely helpful.  But, unfortunately the group I'm in will be ending this summer.  I'm not sure if I'll try to find another group or not.  I wish we could continue to meet without the psychologists.  But of course, that might not be practical.  Many of our significant others might wonder about motives less than admirable.

[Dr_Busy]

I appreciate your response.

One resource that I've found very helpful is the book, High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti with a foreword by Marsha Linehan.  Dr. Linehan brought into psychology a stress on mindfulness based on some of the teachings of Thich Nahn Hahn.  I've studied his work before and found it very helpful.  The difficult thing, of course, is maintaining enough presence of mind to employ the techniques when you least expect to need them.

[Dr_Busy]

I totally agree with you.  "Validation" is a simple word to say, but a much more difficult thing to remember to do in the heat of the moment.  And it's not just the examples you might hear online or from a psychologist.  It needs to come from you.

What I've found most helpful is to first validate internally where I am.  "I have done nothing terribly wrong.  My actions were justified because ... "  (By the way, telling her this line of thought is extremely counterproductive - it only escalates things.)

Then I validate the point she's trying to make.  She keeps making it because she doesn't feel I get it.  Validating it doesn't make it true, it only reinforces that you've heard her & understand the point she's trying to make.

Then validate her again.  Usually, the first time doesn't quite take.  And so you have to figure out another way to basically say the exact same thing.

Then validate her a third time.  I know, it sounds like overkill.  But it really does take three attempts to validate the other person before the argument is dropped and life begins to improve.

[Dr_Busy]

I agree.

We tried couples therapy also.  Useless.

I've now been in group therapy (minus her) for a year and a half.  And she's been seeing an individual and in group for about a year.  

These seem to be helping both of us.

Psychiatrists have also helped.

[Dr_Busy]

I agree with you.  My wife has been going through menopause.  In the midst of it she's discovered that she likely has terrible fibroids.  But she's not interested in a hysterectomy.  This is despite having periods now that last for 2-3 months!

I don't know if there's any "fix."  I've advised what I know about dysfunctional uterine bleeding.  But ultimately it's up to her physician.

[Dr_Busy]

Boxhead, Graves disease is intense!  Please stick in there.

She needs good medical care.  And it'll help if you're both informed as much as possible.

But the nice thing about the thyroid, is that it is controllable.  Things will get better.

[JamesSS]

Hi Boxhead. Sorry for replying 6 years late. Funny how your wife exhibits exactly the same behaviour as my wife did. Everything was my fault, nothing was good enough and she argued with everyone. She called me old, a piece of fat and complained about my cooking. She dated men behind my back for affirmation, partied with strangers for distraction and she had many secrets. It wasn't always like this. Although she was always a bit odd, after a car accident and cancer, her mental health declined rapidly until her world came crashing down upon her. After I had a stroke and was made redundant, her depression got even worse. She eventually left me. Ironically our adult daughter suffers the same illness. My advice to you is that you cannot change her. If she lets herself go as she does, your marriage is essentially over. I have since divorced my wife. I felt bad about it for a couple of years but I had to do it for the sake of our son who was subjected to a lot of verbal abuse from her. Women who have entered this stage of depression are unlikely to make a miracle recovery. They are gone. They'll never be the same. So, rather than give you false hope, if she by herself will not modify her behaviour, remove yourself and your daughter from her negative influence. Medication and therapy can only do a bit. The rest is up to your wife - not you. You can support her but the general advice given by psychologists only works in an ideal situation with mild depression. In both of our cases, our loved ones suffer chronic, severe clinical depression. Good luck.

[Candypants]

I can be that shitty wife to my husband.

I lack awareness and when I come around I realise what an idiot I am. Having a husband who deals with all of this is pretty special