Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I have a chronic illness and my partner won't seek further help for depression

replies: 2

My partner and I have been together for 10 years (not married) and he's always struggled with varying severity of depression over this time. I supported him to see a psychiatrist years ago and he's been medicated since then, but he has always refused counselling so his management strategies haven't improved. I developed a chronic pain condition a few years ago as well and it's reduced my capabilities a lot. This past year he's slowly spiralled down again; he's having sleep problems, more bouts of being unable to communicate and struggling to get through the day. He is tired all the time and hates his job, but is scared to quit or lose it since it would be hard to find another now. I think me being sick too has a bit to do with the pressure he feels there. He hasn't seen his psychiatrist in 12 months and has been getting medication through various GPs. I tried the same approach that worked to initially get him to see a psychiatrist initially, but he says he's too tired to even go to one appointment and doesn't think he can deal with talking to a psychologist in a useful way. I've spoken to him about it 3 times now but he just won't or can't move past that point and the conversation just makes him sadder. I try to avoid doing things that bother him and be emotionally supportive but I've been struggling to balance his needs against mine. I'm worried that he will keep sliding until he can't work anymore and then have a huge crash but nothing I say trumps over his feelings of exhaustion. I really don't know what to do at this point so any suggestions would be great.

Found my boyfriend is taking antidepressant

replies: 21

Hi, I'm new to this. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few years. We are not living together. He had been really loving and supportive until November last year when he went distant suddenly. Around Christmas, he took some time off work, I found he became happier and more talkative, but it wasn’t quite the same as before. In the last few weeks, I can feel he has been pulling away again. I was really hurt. He even said at some stage he just wanted to be friends, but would like to help me and support me whenever I needed it. I found his words couldn't add up and I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me. Just a week ago, I noticed he was taking antidepressant. Now everything seems to make sense. I’m not quite sure what his condition is as he has never mentioned it to me. But he did mention in the past that he gets panic attacks. Work had been quite stressful for him in the past few years. And at the beginning of this year he started working in a new organisation. I have read a lot online about depression and anxiety in the last week and I really want to be there for him. He doesn't have any friends and his family is far away. He tends to keep a lot to himself and very self sufficient. The fact that he’s taking antidepressant is kind of good news as I wasn’t sure if he would want to seek any professional help in situations like this. We used to text each other a lot everyday when we are apart. But now he has stopped texting me to say hi. When I text him, he responds, but wouldn't say much. He just doesn't sound like the happy, funny guy I used to text to. He has also stopped showing affection. When I'm with him, he acts quite normally (he even laughs sometimes), and we still have sex, but I can tell he doesn't want to be emotionally intimate. As he has never mentioned to me he has depression and/or anxiety, I'm not sure if it is appropriate to start a conversation about it bluntly, or should I be more gentle? Also I'm not sure what to do in general. Should I just accept the way he is right now? Is it ok to ask for more affection? I know I need to be strong and not take anything personally, but still, when he is so distant it hurts and makes me doubt his love for me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

My sister Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts content

replies: 4

I’ve just gotten off the phone to my sister I’m feeling hopeless overwhelmed and extremely anxious, she called me In hysterics wanted to end her I could feel her pain and agony over the phone and tried to say the right things to help her feel positive but I found myself lost for words. I don’t know if I helped the only thing stopping her is the pain and grief her passing will inflict with her son and our mother the guilt of that is the only thing stopping her I don’t know who to go to, to seek help or how I can help

Trapped in relationship and desperately seeking help Trigger warning

replies: 2

I am posting here for the first time, so my apologies if I have not done this correctly. I don’t even know where to start - in the words of the psychologist that I have just started seeing, “this is extremely complicated”...... I am the wife of a man who suffers from severe depression. We have three little amazing children aged 3,5 and 8. The severe nature of his depression has only evolved in its extremity in the last 3 years. He has had two 6 week hospitalisations in the last 2 years as a result of wanting to take his life...... the last one only a few months ago and the kids saw him being wheeled out to the ambulance......We all have experienced so much trauma as a result of his illness. I spend my waking hours advocating for mental health and the importance of prevention over cure in an attempt to provide a more positive pathway through life for my kids and the kids in my care. I have written to politicians, I have pleaded with government authorities and I have been faced with nothing but silence...........I walk on eggshells daily, hourly, I can’t speak without my words being manipulated in to to a self serving darkness. My voice is not heard, will never be heard as a result of the illness that plagues my husbands mind. I am not allowed to feel, to exist, to speak freely as the consequence is that my husband will take his life..... how do I explain that to my children...? I am trapped in what feels like a garbage compactor, I am being squeezed tighter and tighter into a space where whatever way I turn, trauma exists....... I understand his illness and I have been there for him for the last 12 years, through the lies, the job losses, the trauma and yet, still, here I stand, unwavering........ although now, I am tired... I am scared......I no longer have a voice, an identity. He is a beautiful father and a man who so desperately wanted children and a life that he never had..... I don’t think he loves me though, I don’t know if he ever did.... I guess I am desperate to find someone who understands what we are going through, what it’s like to be the family, the spouse of someone who has such severe depression..... I feel so very alone and all I do is just try to protect my precious babies from any more trauma related to the possibility of losing their dad... I also don’t honestly know how much longer I can keep going in a relationship where I feel so incredibly trapped....I am grateful for any advice.... thank you

Our home and family seem to be falling apart

replies: 8

My husband of 20 years just drove away because “he needed to go out”. I have no idea if or when he will be back. I am so worried about him... how we got here is a long story but one told on this forum too often I suspect. I believe he has depression, which comes in severe attacks and has done all through our marriage. This one was brought on by a confrontation with our 12 year old youngest daughter who also seems to be struggling with mental health issues, where she seems to completely change personality in an instant and become aggressive, sneaky violent and hurtful. My husband became very angry with her after I had said I was at my wits end and needed help with her. She had trashed our living room in a rage. He grabbed her and smacked her and was being more aggressive than I had ever seen him (he is never violent). I had to tell him to stop and leave her. After this incident he descended into the depression again. I am sure he feels terrible for losing his temper with her. He is also withdrawing from our other children (we have 4 altogether) and myself. The kids are all keeping their distance, staying in their rooms and getting more and more into their electronic pastimes. I know this irritates him. He is a religious person and is upset that the children do not believe in the way he wants them to. His depression is usually brought about by feeling disrespected by the children or useless as a person. He refuses to seek help - I have asked him to many times over the years. I want to seek help for our 12 year old and he doesn’t want that either. He thinks it is her behaviour and she can just stop. He should understand that she can’t. I have made an appointment for her anyway, and will take her myself. I know I can’t force him to accept help, but I would love some ideas as to how to help our family, which seems to be falling apart. Everything is so tense, no one speaks, we don’t do anything together apart from go to church. And that is only because no one wants to upset my husband by not going. We all have issues socialising and are a household of introverts. Talking to each other about important issues is very difficult if not impossible and usually descends into accusations of ‘judging’. i am worried about my husband and want to help him.

1 year with partner and last month has had real lows and broke it off

replies: 3

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, when i first met him, he told me he did get some lows sometimes but that was linked to an gambling addiction - during the first few months of the relationship he got support through a councilor and that seemed to help. He started a new job and due to the way the rostering works, he had to stop his weekly talks. I'm not sure what triggered it but i noticed it quite often and now he has ended things saying i deserve better and that i should find someone who can provide me what I deserve etc.. he says he needs to get his head sorted before he can be in a relationship - I understand but im also finding it really difficult because he is my best friend and in a way i know i've kind of lost my support person. I've been checking in just to make sure things are okay and to let him know i love and miss him but should i be doing this? I don't want to say the wrong things or make him feel more guilty than he already does. He did tell me yesterday, he has looked up for some support and we are meant to be catching up one night to discuss further. Im just heart broken so finding it difficult where to draw the line, i love him and want nothing but happiness for him, but could i make it worse holding on?

Elliebells

replies: 3

I’m a widowed mum supporting my 39 year old son (Lives with me) with mental health and drug/alcohol addiction. He hasn’t had any ‘pot’ since his second psychotic episode 2 years ago but his alcohol consumption is out of control. He hasn’t displayed any violent tendencies although he can become exhausting to be with when he becomes verbally excited. I’m extremely anxious and not sure where to turn for support. For us both. We share the same GP and he is trying to help but my son is resistant.

Recognising mental health in preteens

replies: 2

I’m a little concerned with my partners 8 year old. A little history, from the day she was born she has been clingy to her mother. I know this is normal behaviour, however my reading has suggested there should be some level of this starting to subside. She is now 8 years old and cannot handle it when mum leaves the room. As soon as she leaves DD8 gets up to follow. I try and get her to stay as her nun is just going to the bathroom but she won’t let up until she’s with her Mum again. I feel Mum has made it worse by allowing it to happen. Also due to always having mum with her when she is sick, sad, angry or has any emotion, she has absolute zero emotional regulation. Once she is upset she would never be able to regulate that herself, and it takes hours of attention for even Mum to get her to calm. I’ve caught her making up illness many times. I also know she will fake being sad, hurting herself, basically do whatever it takes to have Mum doting over her 100% of the time. My question is, because I’ve never seen it in any child I’ve been around, am I overacting being worried? I’m just scared this is going to develop into her being codependent, or having a fear of abandonment which can lead to more serious mental health issues. Again I reiterate, this is all day every day.

what happens after you care for a family member?

replies: 11

Anyone out there feeling lost after looking after a family member?

Parent going to a nursing home against his will

replies: 2

Hello, I am struggling with the fact that my Dad needs to go into a nursing home. He flat out refuses to go and is in denial that he needs to be there. How do I deal with this I have so much guilt and emotions about this? For a bit more context I am currently caring for my Mother full time, work full time and am engaged. My sister is helping but tends to get things in more of a mess that anything else and cant deal with the legal nor emotional side of things, we have recently had a SACAT approved for Dad and this has all happened only recently and I am feeling very overwhelmed. My father was not a good father nor a good husband and has only been back in my life for the past 4-5 years. He has Dementia, I don't understand the extent of this but he repeats and ruminates on his past a lot. He can not be in his home as he is not looking after himself properly and I can't do more than I already am. He is currently in the hospital and they are saying he needs a nursing home but are not supporting me in this and I am finding it hard to navigate this aged care system and all the things I need to do. Can anyone offer any advise on their experience in this area. Thanks

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I have a chronic illness and my partner won't seek further help for depression replies: 2

Found my boyfriend is taking antidepressant replies: 21

My sister *Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts content* replies: 4

Trapped in relationship and desperately seeking help *Trigger warning* replies: 2

Our home and family seem to be falling apart replies: 8

1 year with partner and last month has had real lows and broke it off replies: 3

Elliebells replies: 3

Recognising mental health in preteens replies: 2

what happens after you care for a family member? replies: 11

Parent going to a nursing home against his will replies: 2