Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Medication for 15yo daughter?

replies: 1

My daughter has just turned 15. She's been suffering with depression for at least 6 months (It's been really prominent for 6 months, building up for a couple of years). There's some self harm, I'm not sure if it's escalating or staying the same. She's ashamed and doesn't want to talk to me about the self harm. Her school is supportive. She's seeing a psychologist but she doesn't really tell her what's happening, like that she is still self harming. She has no trauma history. We've tried to look at thoughts and triggers but haven't been able to identify any. Her GP thinks her main problem is genetics and he strongly supports medication. I guess my question is, when do you know as a parent that the time is right to try antidepressants with your child? What has your experience been? I don't want her to keep suffering but the warnings that come with antidepressant use in teens scare me.

New wife, newborn, depressed husband

replies: 8

Hi, I have been feeling overwhelmed as of late and thought I'd join the community. My husband have almost been married for a year, and I recently gave birth to our daughter who is currently 3 months old. My husband had been distant and irritable for majority of last year, I thought it was due to still working through the pandemic, stress about having a baby. However a few weeks ago after a long strained year of our relationship he finally opened up and told me he has been suffering depression for most of his life, he had attempted suicide when I was 9 months pregnant, he has been abusing drugs, but felt he reached a point where he was afraid I was going to leave so finally was honest and told me what he has been going through and feeling. It has been a few weeks since finding out, our intimacy has returned and he had been sharing his feelings and thoughts but it is still so hard to be wary not to say or do anything that could trigger him into a bad mood, especially being a first time mum and trying to cope with my own anxieties and stressors from that. Just have been feeling like I am treading water in the deep end.

My (depressed/anxious-prone) partner wants to leave his new job... Again...

replies: 4

And I am struggling. I don't know where the line is. I don't want to be unsupportive, I don't want to be controlling, I don't know what to say or do. I feel like advice I've received is so conflicted. On one hand, I'm supposed to support him, not judge him, not tell him what to do. On the other I'm supposed to "not enable" him. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do in this situation. He says it's because he is just not enjoying it, doesn't like how long the hours are, and doesn't how hard the work is. I understand all of that. But he was excited for this job for weeks, and has wanted to do it since he was a kid. It's been one week employed after years of unemployment, and he suddenly doesn't like it? I think he is just intimidated, but I don't know how to tell him that without being 'unsupportive'. Also, if he leaves, I know he'll go to bed for days and avoid his family and repeat over and over what a screw up he is and how much he regrets leaving it.. We went through this about 2 months ago, when he quit that job before his day. It was so, so, so emotionally and psychologically exhausting being in this house with him after that. I do not want to go through it again... But I can never tell him that

My partner blames his depression on me

replies: 4

Hi, I am a little stuck with what I should do. My partner is suffering from deep depression and anxiety and when he is in a bad way he blames it all on me saying I don’t know how to uplift him and putting up with someone who isn’t supportive is the hardest thing he has to do, and says that I have no common sense about life and that makes him nervous because how can he be with someone who can’t help or protect us in the future (we have been together 6 years) ... as I’m typing this I am making him sound awful and I admit that it can be but maybe I am not doing or saying the right things to help ? he is the type of person who keeps to himself and I’m all he has, when I try to get him to do things to get out and about he says why do I want to be like everyone else on social media etc.. he is a very fit person physically but his mentally is a different story.. I don’t know how to say the right thing to help him see better things in life... I’m really struggling because his depression is being taken out on me emotionally and I’m become too tired to try and then it just goes in a circle back to me not knowing what to say and being unable to help him when really I’m just tired because I have tried and he doesn’t see or listen

My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.

replies: 29

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down. All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking. When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you. I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it? Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.

Supporting suicidal friend

replies: 7

Hi. I have a friend who has potentially undiagnosed depression and anxiety and a history of suicide attempts. Lately she has been lashing out at me and telling me she does not want me in her life, doesn't need me etc etc. She has previously mentioned she feels like a burden and I think this is because she doesn't feel she is worthy of my love and support. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, just by offering to listen if she needs to talk. Sometimes she comes good again and apologises and says she did not mean to take it out on me. She is not in a position to seek therapy at the moment and has an unsupportive family. Any suggestions on what I do when she says she does not want me in her life? I'm scared that would tip her over the edge, as I seem to be her only support.

Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar

replies: 13

Hello, My best friend has bipolar disorder. Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agenda and selective memory., All I have ever done is treat her kindly. We talked about food, she made suggestions worth doing, since I was only eating vegetables, legumes. The conversation ended amicably. The next morning, she went ballistic and said some verbally abusive things which hurt. I became a liar because I followed her suggestion, it seems. She told me to leave her alone otherwise she would terminate our friendship. She has qualities which to me are very rare. I care about her very much. I am a kind, caring but a passive individual, never spoken ill of her, never put her down or commented on her shortcomings or actions, but she appears to be overanalysing our discussions to look for possible faults or shortcomings of my own for some reason, misunderstanding what is being communicated or is just saying them to hurt me. She often puts herself down, and I counter it by trying to boost her. She deserves it. The last time something like this happened , which was her getting angry because I apologised to her because I thought I upset her. It turned out was joking but I misunderstood. I was also called a liar then because she felt my apology was false or pretend. I genuinely felt I’d said something wrong and upset her, and felt remorseful. She stormed off and said she needed space. I have never known anyone to react to apologies with hostility. I waited two weeks and it was like nothing happened and she apologised to me for not being chatty, even though she was the one that wanted me to leave her alone. The normality didn’t last long, though. She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything. I researched bipolar because she knew basically nothing. After being triggered off over a discussion about food, I do not know how to approach her, or when, in fear of having her rage at me again. She’s right though, I *do* have an agenda. When I got to know her, I realised how bad her depression is and how badly if affects her life. I wanted to try and put some happiness, relief, normalcy back into her life. I want her to be happy, because I care about her. I’ve never expected anything from her other than her friendship and company. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

Navigating a new relationship and my partners depression

replies: 7

Hi All, I've been thinking of joining a forum like this for quiet some time and it's been really encouraging reading other people's posts. I really just needed a place to be able to communicate how I'm feeling as I can't always be so blunt with my partner. I started seeing him about 7 months ago and right from the start he told me that he has depression (his parents and siblings all have it too) and he has managed it for years through medication and counseling. I met him during a good period for him where he was feeling really on top of it but about a month into our relationship, he got demoted at work and decided to quite his job. It sent him into a depressive episode which has lasted about 6 months now. We love each other and he is pretty good at communicating with me about how he's feeling (which I appreciate) and he is still getting treatment. But it's really draining for me some days and recently (the longer this episode lasts) I have more and more days where I just wish that we could go on a date and spend time together without the depression. It seeps into everything. Even when he's not feeling flat (which is rare), he's always so tired and when we're out together I'm always so conscious of how he is feeling. It's tiring always having to carefully choose my words when we talk about his depression, because often when I tell him what I need, he feels like he's not good enough for me and he won't be able to meet my needs and sometimes he feels attacked. So I'm always having to cushion my words and beat around the bush, when sometimes I just want to be blunt and honest about how hard this is for me even though I know it must be so hard for him too. I'm about to start a new job as a teacher and I'm so excited. I really feel like I've found my passion and he's been so supportive of me. But it's also hard being with someone who doesn't feel excitement and happiness the way I do and sometimes I just really want him to be excited with me. I feel so selfish for wanting that, because I know that he can't help how he feels and he has been so supportive. I really do love him and there are days when I really do see a wonderful future with him. I am doing my best to support him and understand his depression. But there are so many days when he just can't meet me where I'm at. When I tell him I love him and see a future for us and he tells me he's emotionally numb. It's so hard! Anyways, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I can’t cope with my alcoholic husband any longer, please help.

replies: 7

Hi all, I have never asked for help like this before but I am running out of options. My husband of 12 years is an alchoholic and I feel I have run out of options on how to help him and how to cope myself. By day he is a charming, kind, successful man and by night he drinks until he blacks out and is tired, dark and aggressive along the way. He can’t remember the things he says and does. I have been keeping a journal of his ‘incidences’ and they are so shocking I can’t re read them. My family knows I’m in trouble and I feel so guilty for letting it go on and on but I feel trapped and powerless. I feel like I’m slowly going insane living in constant fear of his drinking and dysfunctional outbursts. It effects everything in my life as I’m constantly devastated or picking up the pieces (literally). I don’t know what else to do. I have tried banning alchohol, tipping it out, withholding funds, telling family and friends about his drunken behavior, yelling and screaming at him, kicking him out of the house, couples counseling, threatened to go to the police and even moved the family next door to my mum so she can help me/us with his alchoholism. He has tried medications, AA, psychologists, psychiatrists, abstinence, cognitive behavioral therapy. He has been saying for years that he will go to rehab but it hasn’t happened. He has no reason be be an alchoholic, no history of trauma etc just long term alcohol abuse. Am I missing something here? We love each other dearly and haven’t been able to leave him but Is this my only option???

Husband at crisis point

replies: 3

Im new here but feeling very out of my depth and hoping for some supportive words from those who have been here before. My husband has been having issues for quite some time, our family has encountered some pretty traumatic losses over the last 5-6 years and his way of dealing with things has been to literally through himself into work and essentially make himself as busy as he possibly can. However things had been getting steadily worse over the last couple weeks with several friends and family starting to also get very worried before he finally crashed at the beginning of the week. I made him an appointment with the gp who wanted him sent to hospital and ended up keeping him in the surgery for a good 2+ hours before allowing him to come home on a trial basis provided he doesn't drive (suicidal thoughts) and daily appointments with her. Since home I'm having to physically supervise his medication usage and he has now decided he was just having a couple bad days and it's all a lot of fuss over nothing. Saying that though at today's appointment the moment we got to the drs he shut down, started shaking, couldn't string his words together and was a complete mess, then tried to deny it all 10 minutes after we left. Im not a complete stranger to mental health issues, our daughter has severe anxiety and I lost my dad to suicide 3 years ago and while I'm thankful he at least is getting help I'm terrified it won't be enough, or that I'll crack under the pressure and I even found myself hiding his tablets earlier today when I had to duck out of the house briefly. We have been told it could be a minimum of 3 weeks before we start seeing improvements and thats provided this first choice of medications actually work for him, so any words of advice to help me get through this first stage? Noting he doesn't want anyone to know and while I don't agree (especially in regards to his mum who would be incredibly supportive) I want to respect those wishes so other than his work who witnessed the crash and my boss, so I had flexibility no one else knows so limited real life people to lean on at the moment.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Medication for 15yo daughter? replies: 1

New wife, newborn, depressed husband replies: 8

My (depressed/anxious-prone) partner wants to leave his new job... Again... replies: 4

My partner blames his depression on me replies: 4

My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me. replies: 29

Supporting suicidal friend replies: 7

Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar replies: 13

Navigating a new relationship and my partners depression replies: 7

I can’t cope with my alcoholic husband any longer, please help. replies: 7

Husband at crisis point replies: 3