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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Blackboy Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic
  • replies: 60

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NO... View more

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking. My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking. I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

An_Echidna How to ask for space from partner in panic/anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, first time posting... I’ve recently moved in with my boyfriend, who has been the most incredible support to me in my darkest moments, and is so so patient w my panicky anxiety/depression/mild BPD. He always wants to be there to support me, b... View more

Hi guys, first time posting... I’ve recently moved in with my boyfriend, who has been the most incredible support to me in my darkest moments, and is so so patient w my panicky anxiety/depression/mild BPD. He always wants to be there to support me, but often the only way I can calm down in a panic is to work though it alone. I always try to do this in the nicest way possible, but am often unable to talk or communicate effectively when in this space. Whenever I try to move away from him in a gentle way (e.g. breaking physical contact or moving to a different room) he gets really worried, and when I make it clear I want space for a bit he becomes despondent and sometimes almost seems angry... which kinda just upsets me more as I feel like I then have to support and comfort him while still trying to deal with my own breakdown. I’ve tried to talk to him about the fact that I sometimes just need a bit of space to sort myself out, but he doesn’t really seem to get it and just keeps reiterating that he doesn’t want me to push him away. Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience or could provide some advice for explaining it to him in a way that he might be able to understand better? Any help appreciated Thank you

Guest_4521 6 year old showing signs of depression...HELP
  • replies: 5

It just seems like she's lost hope. She came up to me today out of the blue that she doesn't know what she wants for Christmas (which isn't like her). I had a talk with her today to see exactly where she's at, I asked her how she would feel if she co... View more

It just seems like she's lost hope. She came up to me today out of the blue that she doesn't know what she wants for Christmas (which isn't like her). I had a talk with her today to see exactly where she's at, I asked her how she would feel if she could go back to school, and she said she just wants to stay with me. I asked her if there was anything she was looking forward to, and she said she made a wish the other day and it didn't come true. I asked her more about Christmas, I told her it would be very different to how it normally is, and she said we could have a feast at home, but when I said Santa won't bring her much this year, she said we will just wait until next year then. I asked her about how she has been feeling emotionally, and she said sometimes shes happy, but sometimes she feels something else. When I asked her what that was she just shrugged and said she doesn't know what that is (red flag!) The major things I have noticed is she doesn't plan for anything anymore...when lock downs first started she was planning things to do once it was lifted. All that talk has stopped. She seems more irritable than normal as well...throwing tantrums when she hasnt thrown one all year, screaming at her sister...I know sibling rivalry is a thing but I know my daughter, something is wrong. Question is, what can I do to help her?

samsara11 Depressed friend
  • replies: 3

I have a friend who lives in another country who gets depressed. When they message me for help, I don't know what to do. If I say, what can I do, they say do I have to tell you what to do? It's not like I can hug them, they don't want to talk, they g... View more

I have a friend who lives in another country who gets depressed. When they message me for help, I don't know what to do. If I say, what can I do, they say do I have to tell you what to do? It's not like I can hug them, they don't want to talk, they get irritated when I make suggestions and then they accuse me of not caring enough/not being a good friend/being self-centred/not being there for them even though they've always been there for me. It's very frustrating as there is nothing I can do that seems to help and I am getting abused to boot. In the end it feels as though they just want to pick a fight with me and bash me and I feel worse about myself, then if I say anything about that, they say I am making it all about me. In the end it becomes a character assassination of everything wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with them, and yet before the conversation I was pretty happy and I'm not the one who is depressed. But of course, if I point that out it just goes round in circles again. Of course this does not make me feel any more empathetic and I just want to avoid them, but then that's just more evidence that I'm not 'there for them'. What to do?

Caitlin371 Boyfriend of 5 years Depressed, Anxious, Unemployed & I’m providing everything
  • replies: 3

My partner has been diagnosed with depression & anxiety and has been on medication for a month. He was spiralling in every way for 6 + months & refusing to take accountability & get help, I was suffering living with him feeling like I was on egg shel... View more

My partner has been diagnosed with depression & anxiety and has been on medication for a month. He was spiralling in every way for 6 + months & refusing to take accountability & get help, I was suffering living with him feeling like I was on egg shells. I had tried every possible approach to help (even looking on here,speaking to my own therapist)& nothing worked until I threatened to break up with him unless he got help. Well, he got help. But after a week he wanted to get back at me & threatened to break up with me if I didn’t cut back on work (I run my own business & was going through a crazy busy growth period where I will admit, work had my attention, not him).I ended up hiring someone in order to show him how I prioritise him & need to make a change w work. Anyway, over the last month he’s been off work (quit his horrible job thank god, just hasn’t found a new one). I know he’s scared to start something new,he also wants to study, as he’s started &changed so many times. Over the last month I have also felt an incredible lack of disconnect from him. Little to no intimacy, up gaming til early hours of the morning then sleeping all day while I’m stressed running my business from home. For a while I began to feel used providing for a very comfortable lifestyle while he made no changes to improve himself. In the mix we’ve had several arguments re connection. My partner has also questioned our relationship, mentioned he feels disconnected too, feels we’re not compatible & has cut back on making time for us,even hugs/kisses/saying I love you. He is unsure what’s causing the disconnect &problems (the depression and lack of accountability to work on himself, then work on us.Acknowledges it but refuses to agree to work on it together, cause apparently it’s a doomed relationship if you need that in the 1st place. i want to work through this & be there for him. I know that I will instantly feel better when I see him being accountable, trying to apply for jobs, enrolling for the course he wants to do & actually getting a job, so I’m not spending thousands providing for him anymore.He needs routine & structure as these serious fragments in our relationship have come into play during his depression & late night gaming & unemployment. I need to know where he stands with me & what future he sees with me,as I don’t want to be a fool that paid for a mans 6 wks off while I busted my ass working growing my biz. Whenever I ask, he says “I don’t know”. Not very reassuring.

Bucknaked Son diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD has reached out to me and said he needs help
  • replies: 8

Hi my son [20] has just reached out to me and acknowledged he needs help last year he was diagnosed with ADHD and perhaps Aspergers, i have been getting long winded deep meaningful texts from him saying hes got it all worked out then he slumps into a... View more

Hi my son [20] has just reached out to me and acknowledged he needs help last year he was diagnosed with ADHD and perhaps Aspergers, i have been getting long winded deep meaningful texts from him saying hes got it all worked out then he slumps into a low and disappears for days sounds like he has done a lot of research and he mentioned Bipolar how am I best to find someone for him to talk to that understands what he is going through please? doctors appointment for a referral?

Torrri Supporting my Brother after suicide attempt
  • replies: 3

My Brother is 22 and has been struggling for awhile, he has had 3 suicide attempts with the latest being tonight :(. He always calls and instantly regrets it and seeks help. He is withdrawn has dabbled in drugs, I just don’t know how to help him! He ... View more

My Brother is 22 and has been struggling for awhile, he has had 3 suicide attempts with the latest being tonight :(. He always calls and instantly regrets it and seeks help. He is withdrawn has dabbled in drugs, I just don’t know how to help him! He has tried rehab type mental health centres and such. I just dread that phone call everyday! I absolutely love and adore him no matter what, but I feel completely useless. Our parents are divorced, which makes communication hard but I am just at a loss. I can’t keep watching him do this How can I help? Is there any other places he can go? Therapies any suggestions welcome please!

Juliana_15 Supporting a family member who won’t get help
  • replies: 2

Hello - my brother (who lives about 1.5 hrs from me) has a long-term problem with alcohol addiction. He also has diagnosed ADHD and OCD. He justifies the alcohol as a coping mechanism and won’t take his other medication due to interference. I feel li... View more

Hello - my brother (who lives about 1.5 hrs from me) has a long-term problem with alcohol addiction. He also has diagnosed ADHD and OCD. He justifies the alcohol as a coping mechanism and won’t take his other medication due to interference. I feel like he has become way worse during COVID-19 as he is also influenced by conspiracy theories and doesn’t think there’s any point looking to the future. I am sick with worry that he will hurt himself or someone else and have repeatedly suggested he seeks treatment but he deflects by saying he can’t go into rehab due to his cats (and won’t listen to my offers to pay for them to be in care while he seeks treatment). I know that he has to be the one to make the step but it’s starting to seriously affect my own wellbeing. Has anyone else been here, and found some strategies that have worked?

Pape Dealing with a partner who suffers PTSD
  • replies: 1

HI - my partner is an ex policeman and saw some disturbing stuff in his service- he is not a policeman anymore- but then he lost all his family including his wife to cancer or stroke- He is generally a lovely sweet man...but he does change persona at... View more

HI - my partner is an ex policeman and saw some disturbing stuff in his service- he is not a policeman anymore- but then he lost all his family including his wife to cancer or stroke- He is generally a lovely sweet man...but he does change persona at times when he is faced with a threatening situation.....and then he changes into Godzilla and says the most terrible things..... I was wondering if anyone had tips on how to deal with him when he looses it....

Izzy3764 The best way to show support
  • replies: 1

Hello! I'll keep this short. I am looking to find out what helps you guys the most when it comes to receiving support from friends and family? Do you enjoy being texted or given space? What phrases or affirmations do you need to hear? And also, what ... View more

Hello! I'll keep this short. I am looking to find out what helps you guys the most when it comes to receiving support from friends and family? Do you enjoy being texted or given space? What phrases or affirmations do you need to hear? And also, what makes you tick? What can people do to absolutely ruin your day? What do friends sometimes do that you wish they didn't? I want to know this so that I can help my friends with anxiety and depression THANK YOU ALL!!! Every contribution helps, no matter how small