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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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DreadBrassier Supporting an alcoholic partner
  • replies: 2

Hey guys, My girlfriend of 6 years has recently been drinking very heavily. Her alcohol consumption had caused issues in our relationship prior to this, but the past two or three weeks it has become a massive issue and is seriously affecting our rela... View more

Hey guys, My girlfriend of 6 years has recently been drinking very heavily. Her alcohol consumption had caused issues in our relationship prior to this, but the past two or three weeks it has become a massive issue and is seriously affecting our relationship and the mental health of us both. She's told me that drinking is her way of coping with serious childhood trauma and that the past month memories of this trauma have been getting worse (and likely exacerbated by lockdown and lack of social interaction). She also suffers from body image issues and an eating disorder. Her pattern usually consists of not eating all day, having a massive dinner, drinking until she falls asleep and becoming immovable on the couch as I try and get her to bed. A few weeks ago she passed out on the couch after having a couple of sleeping tablets and when she woke up was completely illegible, slurring her words, tripping over and was so disoriented she didn't know where she was. This was a 'breaking point' and after giving me her sleeping tablets, I found a bunch of empty bottles of spirits hidden in our room, the bathroom and in various obscure cupboards around the house. This was devastating, I had no idea that it'd reached this point. After talking with her & many tears on both our behalves she told me she would make an appointment with a specialist. By midday the next day she was visibly drunk, reeked of alcohol but was adamant she hadnt been drinking. The past few weeks have been a repeat of this: her being obnoxiously drunk and in denial; promising to make an appointment; hiding more bottles of alcohol around the house; admitting she never made an appointment; more crying; more empty promises. This is taking a serious toll on me, as I'm dealing with a number of mental health issues myself. I don't want sympathy, I can't imagine the pain she goes through and how hard it must be that it's come to this point for her. I don't think I can be with this woman, the love of my life and somebody I want to have children with, if she continues to act like this. How can I support her through this? I'm not willing to walk out of the door, as I love her and want to help her get through it. I just cannot take the lies, the false promises, the utter incoherence and 'Jekyll and Hyde' nature of what's happening. She has an appointment with a psych in two weeks time but I'm worried that I can't take this for another two weeks. Any and all advice will be hugely appreciated. Thanks!

Jskigdj Overwhelmed wife seeking advice
  • replies: 4

My husband has suffered with pretty intense depression, ptsd & anxiety for 15 years. We have been together 2 years and he has always been open & honest about his depression, and me with my mental health. At the beginning of our relationship I had som... View more

My husband has suffered with pretty intense depression, ptsd & anxiety for 15 years. We have been together 2 years and he has always been open & honest about his depression, and me with my mental health. At the beginning of our relationship I had some anxiety issues that therapy has sorted. It was worse early on that this would have been difficult for him and he was always supportive. For the past 9 months his depression has been bad. It manifests in nitpicking- on me, my body, what I wear, behaviours or mannerisms, & anger. To be clear, he has never been violent. Couples therapy helped open space to talk about it. The nitpicking has persisted, it's better but it still happens. My husband maintains that this is from when I was suffering more from anxiety, and that those feelings about the way I presented myself, for him, are a direct result. This makes me feel like he is keeping me in that space, and that he isn't taking responsibility for the affects of his own mental health by blaming me. I don't want to deny that it was difficult for him or gaslight him by avoiding responsibility. But it is difficult for me to accept. I don't know if this is fair. He sees a therapist & is very self-reflective and we can openly discuss our feelings. I have set clear boundaries that I will not put up with negative comments about my body or clothes, but it's still obvious in his gestures.pretty much all of our conversations revolve around his depression. I am always available to listen and support but it can be really exhausting and I am finding myself with little capacity to carry it. Even if I talk about something that I have done, it quickly turns around to how it affects him or how it relates to his depression. Whenever I bring up boundaries or express that I am unable to process anymore at that particular time, he gets really down on himself. I need some advice on how to lay out boundaries gently and whether or not it is ok for me to express that I reach a limit. I'm really not sure what to do, because I don't want to be cold or unsupportive but it gets to a point that I am almost in tears from overwhelm. I know that it must be so so difficult for him. But I have no mental space. There are good days and they are wonderful. but most of the time it's like being on eggshells. Of course, lockdown has intensified this. Seeking some advice on how to navigate. I love him so much, but I feel that if I don't take care of myself then it won't be good for either of us

Jane_Loz Struggling with sisters depression - unsure if my own anxieties, or legitimate concern
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone! This is my first post here; but long story short - I'm really struggling with my sisters depression. She is my younger sister, and we have an immensely close bond. However, I have ADHD and mild OCD (making me very intense, emotional and ... View more

Hi everyone! This is my first post here; but long story short - I'm really struggling with my sisters depression. She is my younger sister, and we have an immensely close bond. However, I have ADHD and mild OCD (making me very intense, emotional and high energy) and during COVID-19 I have also really struggled with anxiety (particularly to do with me worrying about her). My younger sister has had depression for 4 years now, and whilst she (to many) appears to be doing a lot better, I am anxious every day that she is going to do something to harm herself. I'm unsure if this fear is stemming from my own anxieties and obsessive tendencies (particularly because there's been 'suicide clusters' in the area I'm from and it's all over the media so I can't stop thinking about it); and I'm having a hard time working out the right way to give her care and love, but also not smother her when she's having 'off' days. I am nervous that my constant panic, checking in on her and emotional state will make her feel smothered and drained... long story short, I'm struggling to trust that when she says she's fine, that she will actually be okay. Does anyone else struggle with this, when living with someone with mental illness? That constant fear and worry no matter how much reassurance you get from the person. Any advice / personal experiences would be super appreciative. Thanks

carter_new_ Help- supporting a sister with depression and anxiety
  • replies: 7

Hello there, I am currently supporting my sister who is dealing with depression and anxiety. I am very grateful she is seeing someone but at times I am afraid she may do something as she is at home by herself most time. I am struggling to maintain my... View more

Hello there, I am currently supporting my sister who is dealing with depression and anxiety. I am very grateful she is seeing someone but at times I am afraid she may do something as she is at home by herself most time. I am struggling to maintain my own mental health, as I am emotionally and physically tired. As her big sister, I worry all the time. I wish I could take the pain away but I can't. This has unfortunately stemmed from a number of things for my sister due to COVID, failing relationship and the significant death in our family 2 years ago. I just struggling to support her and don't know what else to do.

Steve68 Supporting wife with bad depression...new to this. Am drowning.
  • replies: 24

Hello, have been with my partner for 8 years. She had a traumatic upbringing with violent parents..moved house 40 times. Forced to leave home & school at 14. Had a very bad marriage.Her young brother that was her best friend unfortunately grew up to ... View more

Hello, have been with my partner for 8 years. She had a traumatic upbringing with violent parents..moved house 40 times. Forced to leave home & school at 14. Had a very bad marriage.Her young brother that was her best friend unfortunately grew up to be a toxic person forcing her to stop contact with him. I fell in love with her instantly. She has a heart of gold but became very sad 3 years ago and stopped trusting people. Due to my work...we have had to move every few years (instability). She hasn’t stayed in touch with past friends or family and has isolated herself.Doesn't belong to any groups & hasn't been able to work for last 3 years. A new city& rental property (my work), the suicide of a close friend , a failed attempt to reconnect with her young brother led her to want to end her life. I realised she needed professional care and waited 7 days to get her into a good private mental health hospital. I also needed some respite...as she had become angry. Angry at her childhood...her brother....her not having children....not being able to work...angry...being made to live on different locations due to my work....furious....not being able to plant a tree and watch it grow...not having friends...no family connections etc. She only lasted one night in the hospital and asked me to get her out of there which I did. Fortunately has started seeing a psychiatrist and been prescribed new medication (6-7 weeks to start working) Diagnosed with severe depression...high anxiety...ptsd due to childhood trauma as well as agoraphobia. Has gone to 2 sessions so far. Has been home but is not the sweet girl I know. Either extremely sad or angry. No one she can turn to other than me...but has lashed out with angry outbursts....name calling..bringing up all I ever did wrong etc. Now asked me to stay at a hotel or friends place as she needs space ...doesnt want to see me. I tried to return home to be with her but received angry SMS to keep away..respect her wishes....that I never listen etc. So..am writing this from a strange bed ....wondering if she is ok....thinking of healing words to text her regardless of the anger and resentment she feels towards me. I feel SO lost, unsure, scared..do I give her space or insist on going back? Am terrified she will try and hurt herself. Lots of self loathing with her anger - "I'm just a worthless piece of sh*t, I've been a stupid idiot to follow you around with your work, I'm useless etc etc. I'm scared pls help!

lilykitten When you feel everything is working against you
  • replies: 4

What do you do when you feel everything is working against you? Yesterday was a doozy. I am a single parent caring for a 15 year old with extreme anxiety (no school for over a year) on the spectrum and a neuro-typical 17 yr old doing her VCE. My 85 y... View more

What do you do when you feel everything is working against you? Yesterday was a doozy. I am a single parent caring for a 15 year old with extreme anxiety (no school for over a year) on the spectrum and a neuro-typical 17 yr old doing her VCE. My 85 year old mother lives next door determined to be independent but increasingly dependent on me especially during these covid times. My ex-husband lives in the next town somewhere, is unemployed and suffers from depression but has emotionally cut me out since we separated 2 years ago. He visits the kids for 3 hours every Thursday in my home. So yesterday I go into work planning to do the shopping after work and bring home some takeaway for the kids. Mainly to allow their Dad to have some quality time with them. I get a call just as I am finishing work. My 15 year old is hysterical. "Come home now!" Her sister has been goading her and her Dad has been yelling at her for overreacting. I can hear furniture being knocked over in the background. I try to calm her hoping the promise of Maccas will calm her down but she wont have it so I come straight home. Why does her Dad just escalate situations? I get home and find her alone as Dad has taken the 17 year old out for a drive. He gets back to drop off the older child and he asks ME what are my plans for HIS Birthday tomorrow and Fathers day on Sunday like I am still in charge of organising family celebrations and gifts even if he wont tell me where he lives or what he does. My 15 yr old daughter calms quickly after he leaves then realizes she does want Maccas which is 40km away in the next town where I work. I cant do this now. For one, my mother has organised a meal locally which I have to pick up at 6pm because she cant drive and I have also promised my 17year old I would help her get on top of her VCE studies which are suffering due to the situation at home and she is feeling ignored. I get the full autistic onslaught for the next hour Mum mum mum mum poke mum mum punch mum mum tears I want Maccas! She follows me to my mothers house so I can get the money for my mothers dinner pick up. Mum can see my daughter is upset. Tries to help but only tries to convince me to get her Maccas. I explain she had the opportunity when I was at work and I do not wish to drive for another hour to get it for her as I have to help my other daughter with homework. As soon as I get back from my house my mother phones me, i ignore the call, my 15 year old is still following me around pleading for Maccas and I just want to have a coffee in peace before picking up my mothers dinner. Then mum turns up at my door. "Come on Kate she's upset, dont be so mean", Miss 17 is standing there arms crossed she is angry at her sister for taking up all my time "dont give into her Mum". I really wasn't planning to, but given the path of least resistance I finally agreed to get the Maccas. Ok ,first pick up Mums food, then drive to Ballarat for maccas, then drive home and help my other daughter with her homework. Another phone call from Mum. " Ive moved my food pickup to 7.30pm for you so you can go to Maccas" Thanks Mum. Ok drive to Maccas with 15yr old while Miss 17 yr old gets started on home work. "I want to come too, its not fair" from Miss 17. So of course by 8pm when I was finally free to help her with homework Miss 17 was too tired and wanted me to go away. I also realised I hadnt eaten. Now off to buy presents and a cake for someone who doesnt want to know me. HELP!

Waiting_2_exhale Struggling to remain supportive
  • replies: 1

My son 21 and is totally dependent on me in every way.He constantly says he needs drugs to help him escape from life because he has severe anxiety. He wont get a job because he has no confidence and says he will bash anyone that pisses him off. Wont ... View more

My son 21 and is totally dependent on me in every way.He constantly says he needs drugs to help him escape from life because he has severe anxiety. He wont get a job because he has no confidence and says he will bash anyone that pisses him off. Wont drive cos he is worried about causing an accident. He has been on so many different anti depressants and anti psycotic medications but will not take them consistently, has been on SSRI but now refuses to take them because he said they dont help, are making him fat and take too long to work. He is now obsessed with getting medication as he thinks they are faster acting and will help. He gets another medication on the streets and completely loses his mind when he cant get them but at the same time he takes so many when he does have them he goes into phycosis and he forces me to help him through. He refuses to go to hospital and says will kill anyone who tries to lock him up. This usually lasts about 3 or 4 days. He doesnt sleep, complains that no one helps him but will not accept any help. He wakes me at night saying he needs to talks and then rants and raves for hours blaming me for all his problems. I feel terrified as he wont let me leave for hours even though I have to go to work the next day. He hates me working and rings constantly to ask when I will be home or to tell me he hates his life and wants to die. Honestly it is wearing me down and making me a nervous wreck. I'm now at the point where I actually try and avoid him when he is in a mood. After so many years of trying to talk sense to him, I just dont know what to say anymore, which makes him more furious and he says Im not helping and I make him worse. I cant win and dont know what to do or how much longer I can do this. I work and go home, no socialising because I cant relax and enjoy myself because he is always at the back of my mind, worrying is mood. I feel completely trapped, sorry this is so long and rambling but I cant think straight anymore.

KatB65 Struggles with out teenage daughter, I need hope
  • replies: 6

Hi all, first time poster. We have a teenage daughter (15) who is struggling badly with her mental health. She had two suicide attempts in the last few months and is so sad, angry, flat and shut down. She is constantly self harming and it’s distressi... View more

Hi all, first time poster. We have a teenage daughter (15) who is struggling badly with her mental health. She had two suicide attempts in the last few months and is so sad, angry, flat and shut down. She is constantly self harming and it’s distressing for everyone. She’s engaged with juvenile mental health services, though engaged is probably not the right word. She is like a brick wall and simply won’t open up, or opens up to the wrong people. She was seeing a private psychologist but that did nothing and we wasted over a year with that approach. My husband and I are exhausted, hyper vigilant, stressed and are making little progress in getting her to open up to us and in supporting her. We have another child who needs his parents and it’s just so difficult to do ‘normal’ things with this constant worry. Can someone please give me hope that one day things will get better for her. As a parent it’s soul destroying to see your child in such pain and being powerless to help, thank you

SarahB03 Needing some strategies to help my teenager who is self harming
  • replies: 1

Hi, I have recently found out that my daughter has been self-harming on and off for about a year. In the last couple of months, after a traumatic event and a lot of stress at school, it has escalated. She is supported by a counsellor and we have a sa... View more

Hi, I have recently found out that my daughter has been self-harming on and off for about a year. In the last couple of months, after a traumatic event and a lot of stress at school, it has escalated. She is supported by a counsellor and we have a safety plan in place for her but my problem is she does not want to stop. And when I try to help her put in place alternate ways to help her manage her intense emotions, she agrees but ends up locking herself in the bathroom and self-harming anyway. I have told her now that I am not going to allow her to shower alone but I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I mean, how can I monitor her 24 hours a day? If I protect her from hurting herself in the shower, will she just find new and creative ways to do it? I really don't want to enforce rules on her because I want her to keep talking to me about it and not hiding it away from me but I am also responsible for her and her safety. Has anyone else been through this? How did you cope? What strategies worked for you? I am also not getting much support from my husband and am feeling so alone and helpless.