My husband has suffered with pretty intense depression, ptsd & anxiety for 15 years. We have been together 2 years and he has always been open & honest about his depression, and me with my mental health. At the beginning of our relationship I had some anxiety issues that therapy has sorted. It was worse early on that this would have been difficult for him and he was always supportive.
For the past 9 months his depression has been bad. It manifests in nitpicking- on me, my body, what I wear, behaviours or mannerisms, & anger. To be clear, he has never been violent. Couples therapy helped open space to talk about it. The nitpicking has persisted, it's better but it still happens. My husband maintains that this is from when I was suffering more from anxiety, and that those feelings about the way I presented myself, for him, are a direct result. This makes me feel like he is keeping me in that space, and that he isn't taking responsibility for the affects of his own mental health by blaming me. I don't want to deny that it was difficult for him or gaslight him by avoiding responsibility. But it is difficult for me to accept. I don't know if this is fair. He sees a therapist & is very self-reflective and we can openly discuss our feelings. I have set clear boundaries that I will not put up with negative comments about my body or clothes, but it's still obvious in his gestures.pretty much all of our conversations revolve around his depression. I am always available to listen and support but it can be really exhausting and I am finding myself with little capacity to carry it. Even if I talk about something that I have done, it quickly turns around to how it affects him or how it relates to his depression. Whenever I bring up boundaries or express that I am unable to process anymore at that particular time, he gets really down on himself. I need some advice on how to lay out boundaries gently and whether or not it is ok for me to express that I reach a limit. I'm really not sure what to do, because I don't want to be cold or unsupportive but it gets to a point that I am almost in tears from overwhelm. I know that it must be so so difficult for him. But I have no mental space. There are good days and they are wonderful. but most of the time it's like being on eggshells. Of course, lockdown has intensified this.
Seeking some advice on how to navigate. I love him so much, but I feel that if I don't take care of myself then it won't be good for either of us
