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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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morningselenite Concerned about a friend
  • replies: 3

Hello! This is my first forum post. A good friend of mine has been pretty isolated recently, and I’m a bit concerned about his mental health. (Of course, we’ve all been in lockdown, but he’s been avoidant since before then and hasn’t been talking or ... View more

Hello! This is my first forum post. A good friend of mine has been pretty isolated recently, and I’m a bit concerned about his mental health. (Of course, we’ve all been in lockdown, but he’s been avoidant since before then and hasn’t been talking or posting much anywhere. The last I saw of him was a few months ago and he seemed quiet but not concerningly so) I invited him over recently and he called on the night in a state saying he couldn’t come because ‘people were following him’, which I found a bit worrying. He also posted something online mentioning whispers agitating him, which sounded like he might’ve been hallucinating? Anyway, I visited him this afternoon and he’s acting pretty off - muttering to himself and just not seeming to pay much attention to anything, leaving and reentering the room because ‘someone threatened him through his window this morning’ and he thought someone would break in, stated like that was totally normal. I asked if everything was okay and he mentioned he’s been pretty anxious and hasn’t been sleeping much as well as hasn’t been completing his school work recently. When I brought up talking to someone he was pretty insistent that he’d deal with it alone, but I’m worried it’s some kind of psychosis. I know he’s struggled with anxiety for a long time but I’ve never seen him acting like this in the time I’ve known him, and it was a little unsettling. What should I do? Does this sound like psychotic behaviour over just anxiety, should I be pushing harder for him to visit his GP or am I worrying/meddling excessively? We’ve been quite close in the past and the complete distance is unlike him, I don’t know what’s overstepping. Any ideas or opinions would be appreciated!!

Bibby My Partner is emotionally abusive
  • replies: 5

Hi All First time posting. I am a 61 year old woman, good job good person etc etc. I feel stupid that I cant get away from him and no body knows about this. I have been in this relationship for 13 years and I don't know how to escape. I am actually s... View more

Hi All First time posting. I am a 61 year old woman, good job good person etc etc. I feel stupid that I cant get away from him and no body knows about this. I have been in this relationship for 13 years and I don't know how to escape. I am actually scared. It is not physically abusive but the threat is there. He does the following: blames me for all the problems in a relationship, constantly comparing me with others to undermine my self-esteem and self-worth usually being in a bad mood, intentionally embarrassing me in public, name calling, yelling, insulting or swearing, controlling my finances, prevents me from seeing my friends and family. To name a few... when he is triggered I say absolutely nothing and after a period of time he may apaologise but says I made him do it! Any help would be so appreciated.

Carer07 My depressed sister won't accept advice or seek professional help
  • replies: 5

Hi All, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am worried (and have been for a long time) about my younger sister Lisa who lives with depression & anxiety. During the past year, my older sisters and I have been trying to offer her support, ... View more

Hi All, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am worried (and have been for a long time) about my younger sister Lisa who lives with depression & anxiety. During the past year, my older sisters and I have been trying to offer her support, guidance and advice on how to help with her mental health and be open with her in relating to her experience of depression and anxiety - which she has refuses to believe is possible, believing that we are all just perfect and have had our lives just come to us easily (very much not the case for any of us - depression is very well known in our family with our mother having major depression for at least three decades years the impacts that has had on us kids individually + our own personal issues apart from this). We have offered so many suggestions and recommendations on what could be of help (speaking to a psych, reading this book or that resource, relating to her from our own experience and what we did or found/find helpful, and other things specific to developing her skills and abilities for manage and deal with life and it's challenges in general) but she just doesn't listen to us, or doesn't take any action, or just blatantly says I don't need this or that or your help, or just cannot take herself out of a victim mentality and develop any solutions to help her situation. And when you explain that there isn't going to be single quick overnight or one day fix to her depression, but that it will require her to really self-reflect and work on the root causes, she isn't interested or doing anything to help herself or her situation. Today, in her recently acquired job she has supposedly had a mental breakdown in which people had to call the police - I am yet to find out all the details about this - but it is expected/presumed that due to stress of the job, and being ill equipped to deal with conflicts her personal emotional reactions appropriately she has 'flipped it.' I am concerned for her wellbeing & how this experience will effect her depression and her ability to keep a job in the future & be independent. I am feel stuck on what else I can do to encourage or help her if she isn't willing to try or do anything about it. I fear that one day she will take her own life because she just couldn't manage. Regardless of her saying that she wouldn't do that. I appreciate anyone's advice on what I can do to offer more support/help, adjusting my mindset, or your own perspective/similar experience. Thanks

Diddle28 Trying To Help My Partner
  • replies: 2

Hello, I hope this is the right place to ask this if not please point me in the right direction. I am wanting to help my partner but I'm not sure how. He was sexually abused as a child, I don't know too many details as I don't want to pressure him in... View more

Hello, I hope this is the right place to ask this if not please point me in the right direction. I am wanting to help my partner but I'm not sure how. He was sexually abused as a child, I don't know too many details as I don't want to pressure him into talking if he doesn't want to but how do I go about talking about it? Is there anything I should or shouldn't be saying? I just don't know how to him.

porcelain How do you be in a relationship where you are only loved 50% of the time? Do depressed partners push you away as they want to end it?
  • replies: 6

I am tired of it. Do they want to make relationships end, so they can at the end of the day say "see, life is crap, I told you, I am hard done by". I am over being the door mat for another human, I have been put down endlessly, for being who I am. I ... View more

I am tired of it. Do they want to make relationships end, so they can at the end of the day say "see, life is crap, I told you, I am hard done by". I am over being the door mat for another human, I have been put down endlessly, for being who I am. I have even been told to go and top myself (lovely!), I am tired of doing all the caring (unnoted and unappreciated) and no-one there for me. For a change it would be lovely to be loved.... Who says that this ok ? I AM worth it. I deserve to be loved 100% of the time.

safetyandstability My 40 year old brother
  • replies: 2

He came up to me today and spoke something true for the first time today. He said he couldn’t sleep, these thoughts keep him up at night. He thinks about his life without friends. He is clinically depressed, has to attend a medical centre for his inj... View more

He came up to me today and spoke something true for the first time today. He said he couldn’t sleep, these thoughts keep him up at night. He thinks about his life without friends. He is clinically depressed, has to attend a medical centre for his injections every week as part of a court order and I don’t know what to do. He is saying the dosage of injection is keeping him up at night. It breaks my heart, I don’t know how to create opportunities for him to meet people. He hasn’t spoken to strangers or even worked a day in his life. I’m scared.

exponential123 Supporting wife going through severe career struggles
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I have been happily together with my wife for eight years now. Throughout this time, she has been working as a landscape architect and by all accounts, enjoys her work, but not her workplaces. She excelled at university, but since she joined ... View more

Hi all, I have been happily together with my wife for eight years now. Throughout this time, she has been working as a landscape architect and by all accounts, enjoys her work, but not her workplaces. She excelled at university, but since she joined the workplace about ten years ago, she has struggled to thrive in her profession and feel respected by her peers, in spite of receiving a couple of promotions along the way. Four years ago, we had our eldest daughter. My wife went on parental leave for nine months and returned to work four days a week. By all accounts she was very excited. But almost from the beginning, her treatment was nothing short of overt workplace bullying. She was excluded from social events, critical meetings were booked on her one day off and she was assigned dead end projects with no resourcing or assistance. Her tenure eventually ended with her employers telling her that she was good for nothing and that they were relegating her to an impertinent role. A mental breakdown ensued. As it went on, she launched (anxiety driven) attacks on myself and my parents and we almost lost our marriage in the process. We went to counselling and learned there wasn't anything really wrong with our relationship; it was our reaction to the people around us that was the problem. After a year, she found a job in a friendly, collaborative company who were supportive of her desire to work part time. We had our second daughter after she had been there a year, then she had another year off work. Upon her return, things began to deteriorate again. It appears that she has lost the trust of management and for several months now she has spent all night ruminating on her work issues with me all night. I'm always happy to listen, but I am losing too much sleep. What makes things worse is that her family take great joy in anyone's bad luck. They are competitive and are jealous of our (perceived) success. Her mother and oldest sister constantly stoked the fire during our relationship issues and cut her down with little comments here and there. They guilt her for being a working mum because of their jealousy For the past four years now, my wife has been getting help for her anxiety. She's a lot better than she was. But the psychs do make her face uncomfortable issues and she has refused further help. I love my wife dearly and really want to support her, but I've run out of things to do and say. I'm worried she is approaching another breakdown. What should I do?

cyphix333 Need help finding assistance for my US-based friend and convincing them to seek help
  • replies: 5

Hi guys, I have a friend that is based in the US (Los Angeles) and I generally talk to him most days over online messenger and I need some help in helping him - I originally wrote a big post explaining it all but ran out of space with the 2500 charac... View more

Hi guys, I have a friend that is based in the US (Los Angeles) and I generally talk to him most days over online messenger and I need some help in helping him - I originally wrote a big post explaining it all but ran out of space with the 2500 character max, so am just summarising it. I myself have suffered depression in the past and also anxiety; I have been seeing a psychologist for my anxiety for over 2 years now and it's honestly one of the best things I have done, so I am able to use a lot of what I have been taught to try and help him. The problem is, he is very stubborn, and he is a extremely negative person (right now anyway); I try and get it through to him that the way he feels about things now isn't really how he feels about things, it's his mindset that is affecting his thoughts. Such as when he says "he doesn't care anymore", don't listen to that, that's now how you really feel. He's basically told me several times that when his money runs out that he will "off himself" and a few weeks ago even detailed how he would do it. So the point of this post is I am trying to get him some mental health help in the US, he said he would see a psychologist, but only when he could afford it - I told him if he thinks his money is going to run out anyway then what's it going to hurt using some on something that will be positive for your health and if you start getting a better mindset then it will most definitely help you in all other aspects of your life. He still kept his inaction attitude about it all, to the point that I even offered to pay for his first session - his response was basically saying that "lol what's one session going to do, that's not going to fix me, a years not going to fix me etc" . I told him it's about taking the first step and included a good quote: "Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life". But he was still hesitant and was basically ignoring what I was saying. I kept at him telling him to check into the gap of how much it would cost him over there and that there must be some type of cheap of free mental health that can help him, but as far as I know he never looked into it. So, the point of this post was to ask if anyone here knows anything about this in the US or where I can ask? I have tried to find the info myself without much luck, he doesn't seem to want to research the info, so if I gave it upfront to him then he would have it right there. Thanks very much!

browneyesxxx Living with bipolar partner
  • replies: 2

Hi my name is Nikki, I have been with my partner who has bipolar for over two years. He’s on meds and generally great. But I’ve noticed him get more and more withdrawn from me, touch and verbally. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything person... View more

Hi my name is Nikki, I have been with my partner who has bipolar for over two years. He’s on meds and generally great. But I’ve noticed him get more and more withdrawn from me, touch and verbally. I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything personal. It always creates tension. I’ve left the house today for a couple of days because I’m just tired of it. He’s been saying he will get help but just puts it off. My anxiety is through the roof even with the highest medications. I’m just having to hold everything in because if I’m upset then it’s all his fault. Then the circle begins all over again. I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post, I guess I just need to hear from another partner with some tips etc i don’t want to loose what we have but what we have is slowly slipping away and I’m struggling to hold on to my own health let alone help another 🤷🏻‍ Feeling useless

Grace12 Supporting adult son and grandson
  • replies: 11

My adult son is going through a difficult time with child custody issues. He is the primary carer but has to return his 3 year old son to the mother at the end of each week as per the Family Court orders. The little boy becomes very distressed at han... View more

My adult son is going through a difficult time with child custody issues. He is the primary carer but has to return his 3 year old son to the mother at the end of each week as per the Family Court orders. The little boy becomes very distressed at handover, cries, clings to my son and resists going to his mother until she finally pulls him from my son and takes the little boy to her car where we hear him screaming as she drives away. She says that he settles down within 5 minutes, but it is very distressing for my son, and for me too as I attend all handovers, on his lawyer's advice. I sit with my son afterwards and let him talk but don't feel that I'm helping very much. We both dread the end of each week because we have to go through this. My problem now is that my husband and I had been making plans to take a long camping holiday and we intend to leave in about 3 weeks. I haven't been able to tell my son yet. I thought if I could find someone to accompany him to handovers I would feel I'd put something in place to assist him but it's very difficult to find someone. I thought perhaps I could pay a qualified babysitter to do that, but am not sure anyone would want to do it. I feel guilty for leaving him to cope on his own, especially as he has been advised to have a support person with him. I'll miss my grandson very much while we're away, but want to spend time with my husband on our holiday, so am very torn and not sure what to do.