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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Grace12 Supporting adult son and grandson
  • replies: 11

My adult son is going through a difficult time with child custody issues. He is the primary carer but has to return his 3 year old son to the mother at the end of each week as per the Family Court orders. The little boy becomes very distressed at han... View more

My adult son is going through a difficult time with child custody issues. He is the primary carer but has to return his 3 year old son to the mother at the end of each week as per the Family Court orders. The little boy becomes very distressed at handover, cries, clings to my son and resists going to his mother until she finally pulls him from my son and takes the little boy to her car where we hear him screaming as she drives away. She says that he settles down within 5 minutes, but it is very distressing for my son, and for me too as I attend all handovers, on his lawyer's advice. I sit with my son afterwards and let him talk but don't feel that I'm helping very much. We both dread the end of each week because we have to go through this. My problem now is that my husband and I had been making plans to take a long camping holiday and we intend to leave in about 3 weeks. I haven't been able to tell my son yet. I thought if I could find someone to accompany him to handovers I would feel I'd put something in place to assist him but it's very difficult to find someone. I thought perhaps I could pay a qualified babysitter to do that, but am not sure anyone would want to do it. I feel guilty for leaving him to cope on his own, especially as he has been advised to have a support person with him. I'll miss my grandson very much while we're away, but want to spend time with my husband on our holiday, so am very torn and not sure what to do.

LovemyDad Seeking advice for a loved one
  • replies: 5

My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in Nov 19. Straight away he became severely depressed - it was such a shock for him. The cancer had spread to his liver and it is terminal without any operation available. Since then, he wont go outdoo... View more

My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in Nov 19. Straight away he became severely depressed - it was such a shock for him. The cancer had spread to his liver and it is terminal without any operation available. Since then, he wont go outdoors and stresses excessively over any appointments with drs etc. He refuses to see any family members/friends with the exception of his 3 children. He will not watch TV, as to him, everyone seems too happy/ healthy and he won't even go outside to his garden which he absolutely loves because everything is so healthy / beautiful / green. Only today, 4 months later, he has told me that he has a voice telling him that he shouldn't do certain things as there will be consequences / the voice is even telling him to plan his own funeral. Insofar as the cancer is concerned my dear Dad is doing very well but he has this severe anxiety / depression that has unfortunately taken over. Dad is currently on numerous anti-depressants but nothing appears to be working. Prior to his diagnosis he was very fit and a very humorous, caring, loving person. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to be the person he is today and it saddens him so much that he cannot go out and garden or catch up for coffee with his 2 brothers....... We (as a family) are desperate ................ I miss my (fun loving) Dad and will do anything to improve his mental state to enable him some quality of life for the time he has left..... who knows it could be weeks or months. I don't want him to waste that time sitting in his chair crying and desperately needing help. I want my Dad and our family to have happy memories of the time we have left. Thank you.

Maria_M Questions and curiosity
  • replies: 3

Hi all First time posting, I saw this and thought that it would be good to read and participate in if I need. I did have two questions that have been playing in my mind, it would be good for me to get other thoughts on this. My partner was diagnosed ... View more

Hi all First time posting, I saw this and thought that it would be good to read and participate in if I need. I did have two questions that have been playing in my mind, it would be good for me to get other thoughts on this. My partner was diagnosed with depression about 1.5 years ago. He has improved significantly with medication, psychologist and support from me. We can identify the first trigger/contributor to his depression, he got into a really good space then another trigger happened about 3 months ago. This caused some setbacks in his progress, triggering a depressive episode. He is always going to his psychologist appointment and compliant with medication. I’m so lucky he seeks support from professional and our relationship while impacted in some ways it has made us more emotionally connected. I am also seeing a psychologist so I can ensure my mental health is being cared for and to build my understanding and skills of depression and how to support him. my questions were: 1. How long does depressive episodes last for? I know it’s different for everyone 2. I feel like I always ask, everyday, how he is feeling and what’s bothering him because I can tell when he isn’t having a good day. I feel like it’s too much but I can’t stop worrying about him and what I can do to help. I know I can’t ‘fix’ him but I just want to support him as much as I can. In your view is this too much? If I need to cut back, any tips on how I can stop, it’s hard 3. he worries that he will be like this for the rest of his life due to experiencing 2 episodes in 1.5 years. It must be so hard for him to go through this, I wish I can help him see that it will get better. Any handy tips on how to support a male going through depression? He sees himself as weak. But he is again, doing everything he can to help himself, although implementing things at home is a struggle. thank you in advance ☺️

Potat02 Supporting my Dad
  • replies: 3

Hi, my Dad's contract is ending very soon and my Mum doesn't work right now. With the virus going around we aren't sure we can get a source of income. My Dad's taken this pretty badly and his depression has spiked back up again and the house is a bit... View more

Hi, my Dad's contract is ending very soon and my Mum doesn't work right now. With the virus going around we aren't sure we can get a source of income. My Dad's taken this pretty badly and his depression has spiked back up again and the house is a bit torn right now. What could I do to help my Dad through this? Any things we could do together or talk about or anything? I am 17 (Male) and my Dad is 47. Any and all help is appreciated and thank you in advance

froggle1988 My Introduction: when anxiety meets depression.
  • replies: 11

I am British and living in Australia. I met my boyfriend (also British) here, last year. I have struggled with anxiety for many years, at times it is manageable, but other times are very difficult. My boyfriend has been suffering from depression for ... View more

I am British and living in Australia. I met my boyfriend (also British) here, last year. I have struggled with anxiety for many years, at times it is manageable, but other times are very difficult. My boyfriend has been suffering from depression for the past few months. Before we met, he had been suffering for around 3 years, and although there had been periods of a few months here and there without feeling depressed, he has been mostly unhappy for some time. I think that the excitement of moving countries, and meeting someone new, alleviated his symptoms somewhat, but the underlying issues still remained. After a couple of months of shutting off and refusing to open up, (other than to say he didn't feel great/felt down) he spoke frankly to me last week, explaining that he felt completely helpless, and didn't see the point in anything any more. He told me he felt like he was just watching his life happening, but wasn't really there. He also said that he hates himself. I checked in that he had no plans to hurt himself, and he said he wouldn't 'because of his mum'. This is having an impact on me, and on our relationship, and of course this is worsened with me being an anxious person naturally. He has told me he will seek help, and has said that he has sent e-mails seeking out some potential counselling, but I am unsure if this is true, or what exactly is happening with this. He is a funny, loving, caring man, and at times I see glimmers of him without the depression. I love him very much. I do not want to consider breaking up with him at this time, but I also realise that this situation is far from ideal and having an impact on my own mental health. It is not a situation that can last. My own general feelings are hopeful, and I can be positive to an extent, but I am spending an awful lot of time worrying about what will happen with him, and with us, and can we survive this? On every other level we are entirely compatible. I was wondering if anyone else has a relationship with a person with a depression, when they themselves also have some mental health difficulties, such as anxiety/depression? How do you make it work? Can you recommend any routines or ways of communicating that have made things easier? Any advice would be so helpful, or... just a listening ear really. I feel quite lonely.

Sallyanne3001 Please Help, I think my partner is a FIFO worker and depressed and I don’t know what to do?
  • replies: 3

Hi There, . My partner and I have been together 12 years, we have been together since we were 16/17. We now have a 2 year old little boy and we are a Fly in Fly our family so my partner goes away 2 weeks and home for a week. In about October last yea... View more

Hi There, . My partner and I have been together 12 years, we have been together since we were 16/17. We now have a 2 year old little boy and we are a Fly in Fly our family so my partner goes away 2 weeks and home for a week. In about October last year our relationship hit a really difficult spot where communication was poor, needs weren’t being met and my partner prioritised his job over his family which lead to resentment from me. Come November we had hit rock bottom, he wanted the relationship over, said he didn’t want to be with me. I pleaded with him not to give up, try counseling with me and go from there.He agreed and we have had two really productive counselling sessions which all become undone as soon as he flys to work. The last 3 months have looked like, me putting in 100%, acknowledging the wrong things I was doing and changing them. Each time he has been home he doesn’t Intiate any physical contact (this is very unlike him) and I have been walking in egg shells to a degree to scared to set a foot wrong. bring us forward to a week ago, my partner was telling me how everything around him is negative, he can’t sleep in our house, he’s sick when he is home, he’s body is sore, he’s tired all the time, and doesn’t think he wants to be with me. He asked if he could go off for the day to clear his head and I agreed if that’s what he wanted he didn’t come hone till 2:30am and slept on the couch (in my 12 years with this man never has he ever done that) he has continued to tell me he doesn’t know what he wants, he just sees negative, that he’s not been trying in our relationship and we both deserve to be happy else where? I started reflecting on the bigger picture and thought maybe he is depressed? I asked him to read up on depression and he did yet still denies and says he doesn’t know if he has it or not? Yet won’t acknowledge the next step in seeking help or treatment. he doesn’t touch me anymore, ask how I am, hug me, tell me he loves me. He is a shell with no emotion walking around. he has all of a sudden under gone a few social events where he goes off drinking (again very unlike him) he’s always been a 1-2 drinks and come home to my family kind of guy. what do I do? I’m so lost and hurt? I understand if he has depression I need to take my own self out of the equation but it hurts the man I love so dearly and he is all I have is so cold to me? have I lost him for good? Or is this depression?

happyface2020 My Bipolar Boyfriend
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend who is living with bipolar broke up with me and it was very out of nowhere. He told me well before we started our relationship that he has bipolar. We hit things off so well and connected so well and did during our whole relationship. Ev... View more

My boyfriend who is living with bipolar broke up with me and it was very out of nowhere. He told me well before we started our relationship that he has bipolar. We hit things off so well and connected so well and did during our whole relationship. Everything was going very well and we never argued or anything. I hadn't been with him during many of his highs or lows associated with his bipolar so I don't fully know what to look out for. We were very close and doing really well and then he went on a 3 day camp and when he got back his mood had completely changed and he broke up with me. I have heard that people with bipolar can find it hard to communicate during a high or low so I feel like he has found it hard to communicate whats wrong to me. I have also heard that a high or low can be started from stress. I feel like the stress of starting university (which is a big change) and fitting in uni, work, study and more that he has been feeling could have started a bipolar high or low. Maybe this high or low is the reason for his very sudden change in mood toward me? He says that I deserve better and he puts himself down and doesn't feel like he is good for me. I don't know how to let him know that he is good for me? I wonder if these feelings of his will go when his high or low ends because he didn't feel this way before? I think he is also worried that his bipolar high and lows will be bad for me because his mood toward me will change and he might feel like pushing me away sometimes. So I think he is worried that it will make me feel down and it wont be good for my mental health because he has said things like take care of yourself and stuff like that. I don't know how to let him know that I want to be there for him during his highs and lows even if that means he wants space from me during an episode or something, I want him to know that I want to be there for him and that I will take care of myself and I am happy? I want him to know that I believe he is good for me and that he makes me very happy and that I understand when he isn't doing the best. Also if he is going through a high or low now, I don't think telling him these things will get through to him right now. What should I do? How am I going to know when his high or low is over and when to tell him these things at a time that it will get through to him? Your help is greatly appreciated Thank you!

Comforteater Neighbourly help
  • replies: 2

I am looking for some advice on how best can try and help someone that I don’t know very well. Some background, my neighbour and his dog moved in around 12-18 months ago. He set up the garden nicely with some lovely plants pots, a veg garden, furnitu... View more

I am looking for some advice on how best can try and help someone that I don’t know very well. Some background, my neighbour and his dog moved in around 12-18 months ago. He set up the garden nicely with some lovely plants pots, a veg garden, furniture the BBQ a fire pit etc etc. (we can see straight in!). All we really know about him is that he was successful in the music industry, his career faded and has dropped off. He’s marriage broke down, he doesn’t have any children and I’m not aware of family around or being close by. Over time, particularly the last 6 months or so, the house has gone into severe disrepair. We’re pretty sure he drinks heavily and daily. We’ve often had neighbourly chats in the past but he’s no longer outside very often and I find it hard to find a way to get something personal in a short conversation like asking are you ok. My husband has his number and reached out to him via text to see if he was ok and needed anything. He seems to appreciate the check in but always says he’s ok. I realise I must sound like a curtain twitching nosey neighbour here but there are months of many things that have happened that are hard for me to condense and explain why I am here. Just to mention a few…short conversations with him sharing stories of living life on the edge, telling us how he wants to ‘go out’, daily booze deliveries, hearing him throw up every day, hearing the bottles chink in the bin every few hours, no more guitar playing or regular/weekly singing sessions and seeing what was once a cared for house and garden fall into disrepair. Pre Covid lockdown, we'd rarely see him go out anymore or have any visitors. As far as I can tell his dog does have food, shelter and water. It might be nothing but I thought these were signs of someone needing help. Any advice on different options on how I can reach out would be greatly appreciated. I understand someone might not want help but I can’t sit back and do nothing.

LouiseEliz Seeking help for a friend
  • replies: 4

Hi there, This will be my first post on here. I am writing on behalf of a friend who recently confided in me he has suicidal thoughts ( of which he won’t act on according to him), severe anxiety preventing him from getting up sometimes in the morning... View more

Hi there, This will be my first post on here. I am writing on behalf of a friend who recently confided in me he has suicidal thoughts ( of which he won’t act on according to him), severe anxiety preventing him from getting up sometimes in the morning, physical exhaustion and feeling the need to be alone. I just recently took him out for a trip to the cinema to take him away from “real life “ for a bit and to just have a small talk to let him know that we can address this together. He mentioned himself he doesn’t know whether to see someone. He is worried he may see someone he knows when he s at a doctors locally, which I totally understand. The great thing is that he s talking to me openly about how he feels. He s giving himself a hard time for feeling how he does as he believes he has nothing to “feel depressed about “ but as we know it’s not as simple as that. I have mentioned things like going for walks outdoors instead of being trapped inside with his thoughts, perhaps getting some vitamin D and fresh air with me and the dog may help clear his mind and also a gratitude journal or just send me 1 thing you’re grateful for per day. But I don’t want to force anything on him. I know from previous experience that just being with someone else helps distract you from your sometimes “illogical” thoughts that seem so rational to you at the time. I want to advise him or be there for him in the best professional way so that he can seek help. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

donz40 Hi there
  • replies: 2

This afternoon while at work my husband sent a text that he was feeling lost and that he doesnt belong.. . I was going to call him but he said hes busy working . Prior to this he has said this before when he was down but i had to let him be but still... View more

This afternoon while at work my husband sent a text that he was feeling lost and that he doesnt belong.. . I was going to call him but he said hes busy working . Prior to this he has said this before when he was down but i had to let him be but still check on him. But today I said i am here for him...he didnt respond so i sent him a crisis number. I tried to call again but he sent another text he is working. I want to know how to get him to talk and communicate with me? How should i approach him? Advice, what do i say? I am not even sure on his mood