My depressed sister won't accept advice or seek professional help

[Carer07]

Hi All,

I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I am worried (and have been for a long time) about my younger sister Lisa who lives with depression & anxiety.

During the past year, my older sisters and I have been trying to offer her support, guidance and advice on how to help with her mental health and be open with her in relating to her experience of depression and anxiety - which she has refuses to believe is possible, believing that we are all just perfect and have had our lives just come to us easily (very much not the case for any of us - depression is very well known in our family with our mother having major depression for at least three decades years the impacts that has had on us kids individually + our own personal issues apart from this).

We have offered so many suggestions and recommendations on what could be of help (speaking to a psych, reading this book or that resource, relating to her from our own experience and what we did or found/find helpful, and other things specific to developing her skills and abilities for manage and deal with life and it's challenges in general) but she just doesn't listen to us, or doesn't take any action, or just blatantly says I don't need this or that or your help, or just cannot take herself out of a victim mentality and develop any solutions to help her situation. And when you explain that there isn't going to be single quick overnight or one day fix to her depression, but that it will require her to really self-reflect and work on the root causes, she isn't interested or doing anything to help herself or her situation.

Today, in her recently acquired job she has supposedly had a mental breakdown in which people had to call the police - I am yet to find out all the details about this - but it is expected/presumed that due to stress of the job, and being ill equipped to deal with conflicts her personal emotional reactions appropriately she has 'flipped it.' I am concerned for her wellbeing & how this experience will effect her depression and her ability to keep a job in the future & be independent.

I am feel stuck on what else I can do to encourage or help her if she isn't willing to try or do anything about it. I fear that one day she will take her own life because she just couldn't manage. Regardless of her saying that she wouldn't do that.

I appreciate anyone's advice on what I can do to offer more support/help, adjusting my mindset, or your own perspective/similar experience.

Thanks

[ErinB]

HI Carer07,

I know how hard it can be trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want to be helped. I'm sorry you're in that position, especially with someone so close to you.

She may be feeling a little bit attacked or ganged up on if there's so many people coming at her all at once trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do so try not to speak to her about when there's lots of other people around. Have you tried talking to her just by yourself? Does she have any friends she'd be willing to listen to if they were to bring up the idea of her seeing a therapist?

Maybe you could offer some extra support in terms of getting to appointments? Something I struggled with when first seeking professional help was not being able to get there and then feeling unmotivated when I would have to take public transport or go by myself. Maybe you could offer to drive her to her first appointment? If she's committed to having you drive her she may be more willing to get up and go.

ErinB

[therising]

Hi Carer07

Amazing how we can all grow up in the same family yet turn out quite different. I believe the difference can be in our nature as well as our experiences within our individual environments.

I'm wondering if some of your sister's behaviour is learned behaviour. While you may have mastered (through your own experiences) how to rise to challenges, perhaps your sister has stayed with seeing challenge as nothing other than stress (like your mum perhaps does). For example, while you may have mastered the challenge of deciding when to leave a job, another may stay telling them self 'I can't handle this job but I have to stay because I'm not good at anything else'. They stay with ongoing challenge/stress until they're forced to leave.

I believe that just about everything that threatens to bring us down or keep us down is actually asking us to rise to a particular challenge. If you were to ask your sister 'What is the greatest challenge you face in life?', could her answer be 'Not thinking like Mum'? Maybe you have already made every conscious effort not to think like your mum.

By the way, the physical sensations that come with anxiety, anger and a rise to courage (facing great challenge head on) are all fairly similar. How we perceive these sensations will of course relate to past experience and mindset.

Some will feel the overwhelming lows whereas others won't until they're further into their depression. I have a friend who does pretty much the opposite of someone who vibes high but they don't believe it's an issue. They enjoy lazing in front of the TV drinking beer (which lowers metabolism) quite often outside of work. They have no interest in creating new experiences or feeling excited or adventurous. Their response 'That's just me. It's not a problem'. They do proclaim to be tired and stressed much of the time and are developing health issues which reflect stress and inactivity, which they put down to 'a natural part of getting older'. Is it possible your sister doesn't realise how much of a low she's actually in? The breakdown might prove to her there are issues that need addressing. Maybe now she will accept the help it takes to raise her.

While, in depression, there can be a lot of destructive statements. It's important we have people around us who can help us instead question constructively. Eg: 'I am hopeless' can become 'What or who has led me to feel hopelessness so strongly (a lack of chemistry, particular people and so on)?'

Take care 🙂

[Carer07]

Hi ErinB.
I have been aware over the past year how more than one of us checking in with my sister can feel like an attack and have made efforts to avoid creating these feelings by having one of us siblings checking in with her personally (usually myself) which has made it better in the sense of being able to have more understanding an open conversations with her.
I can understand, that like yourself transport would be challenging - and up until your mention, didn’t think too much about how exhausting/de-motivating it can be sometimes, and how this would exaggerated more so when struggling with depression. Unfortunately no-one in our family can offer much help in giving rides to/from appointments due to distance and/or lack of personal transport ourselves, but I will consider this further and perhaps offer at least paying for taxis if this could be helpful.
I appreciate your insight and taking the time to share.

[Carer07]

Hi therising,
I can confirm that a lot of the behaviours my sister inhibits is learnt by our mother, unfortunately. It has been a big challenge to try and encourage her to learn healthier and more self-serving habits and ideals.
It is a very interesting/sobering thing to consider to ask my sister ‘what is the greatest challenge you face in life?’ and I can see how this might create an opportunity for both my own better understanding of how she feels/thinks, but also encourage her to express self-determination.

I appreciate you bringing up these various points, and it has made me realise that although I have told my sister that I did this and that (challenged my thoughts/emotions and read this book and that article etc.) to work through my own issues over the years, I have not been specific in asking "What or who has led me to feel hopelessness so strongly?” or sat with her and gone through this process as a support technique. I realise she would likely to find it a lot more beneficial than just hearing me say I did this or that offhandedly, as that would sound to her that it was very easy when it isn’t.

Thank you.

[MiddleSis]

Hi Carer07,

Thanks for sharing your story, parts of it seems very similar to my own. I'd like to say to you well done for seeking some answers, sharing your story and continuing to be there for your sister - it's flipping hard. I hope your sister is doing ok after her work incident.

I have found with my sister (in her early 40's, experiencing severe depression, rocky and violent breakdown of relationship, single parent to three teenagers, low income) that showering her with love, acceptance and patience (rather than my initial reaction which is usually frustration and anger) leads to a place where you can restart a dialogue with her. This is hard. There are days when you simply want to give up, the effort is all one way and overcoming your own emotions despite what you think to make her comfortable and loved (when the solution seems so clear) is difficult.

One tactic that worked for us, my other sister and I took different approaches to dealing with our younger sister. We found that some days my approach worked, whereas other days my sisters approach worked and we would discuss who should approach which topics. I found with my depressed sister that her willingness to talk was wildly unpredictable, one day she wanted to discuss her situation and her feelings, the next time she would barely speak at all. This was difficult for us as she typically cut all communication so the only time we could try to help was when we were face to face, which is infrequent. To maximise this opportunity, we found that choosing a single topic to discuss and directing the conversation around that helped, rather than asking, "How are you feeling?" we would ask "How are you feeling about house hunting [whatever current situation is top of mind]? Can I come with you to view some properties?"

Specific and bitesized conversations help her to feel less overwhelmed by the issues surrounding her and if she chooses she can widen the conversation.

I hope this helps a little.