Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

•

15-07-2016

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Navigating financial assistance and support – How do I access assistance

replies: 5

My husband and I have always worked hard and paid our bills. Now we have come to the point that we may need some assistance to keep our house and pay all the bills one my income alone. What avenues are available and what we should do? My husband is battling serve anxiety which has manifested into serve depression. We were so lucky with family support and learning about the mental Health Act Waiver that we were able to get the quick access support he needed by going into private hospital. At first it was really hard, it was little dropping off a 2year old at daycare the emotional blackmail of Please don’t leave me here was one of the hardest things I’ve done. He progressed so well in the private hospital but it did become his safe heaven. He has finished his 6 weeks stay in the private but in coming home he has regressed, he has is appointments with the GP and Psychologist tomorrow so that’s reassuring. One of his anxiety trigger points is money and he will soon run out of sick leave. What are our options? What support is available? I can’t see him returning to work for potentially months as he couldn’t pick up the groceries which was a click and collect- they came out to his car and out the food in the boot and he came home an absolute mess. Thank you so much for any advise Lise

Husband with a pornography addiction

replies: 2

Hello All, I’m new to this forum but am hoping that some of you might have some advice to give. Three years ago I found out that my husband had a pornography addiction ( began well before we met - probably decades old). I knew before this that he watched porn and that didn’t bother me, but it we not until I accidentally found over 2500 downloads of hard core porn that I realised there was a big problem. I was able to see the download dates and times and it was evident that the level of engagement was as not within reasonable limits. He was also using a tumbler account of a workmate to log on to sites with extremely explicit content. When I first approached him about it he really didn’t think there was a problem and it wasn’t until I showed him the amount of time he was spending online engaging with porn that there was some type of recognition. He rarely came to bed at the same time as me, stayed up until all hours of the morning and would actually be surfing porn on weekends while I was in the same area of the house. ( He still rarely comes to bed with me.) Anyway he agreed to get counselling and this occurred for about 6 months before he had to go overseas for work. I think the usage reduced but he also got better at hiding it as well. Would use in-private windows (oh but would then forget to close them down!!). However, whenever I did ask him about the usage he was quite up front about how it was going - but would never volunteer that formation. I know he did really try to limit the it the usage and is very remorseful for the hurt this has caused. Anyway... fast forward about three years and the engagement is still occurring, probably not as much, but now I’m so tired of being patient and understanding. We have very little intimacy because of all this has been so damaging - especially to my trust in him. I don’t want to leave, we’ve been together for 13 years and there is a lot of good in the relationship. But I’m now getting to the point where I am scared that this will never be resolved and I’m going to have to engage with this over and over again (which I find quite personally damaging) . I’ve seen a psychologist about this but I’m not sure I have the energy to go back again. I just want to withdraw but I know this is not helpful. I’m not sure how to gather the energy to continue to deal with this. many advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Looking for support

replies: 7

Hi everyone, I’m new here! I think I’m looking for support. Some kind stranger who will listen to me and tell me things will be ok and it will get better. I moved to Australia to married the love of my life. We don’t have any kid just me and him for the last 10 years. We have small circle of friends and to me, my husband is my only family. He’s always been struggling with mild depression but I don’t know that it’s going to be this serious. Over the year, life is getting harder and harder for him. He will be the light of the party, but in private, he’s sad and depress. Sometimes he’ll tell me that something like he wanted to kill himself but because of me, he didn’t. He’s been seeing psychiatrist but he’s not getting better, I feel that he’s getting worst with his meds. A few days ago, he decided to check himself into mental health ward. I’m so proud of his decision and I hope this will help him. I really want to understand him and help him get better but deep down, I know that I won’t understand or know how deep his pain is. And this is the worst part, someone I love is right in front of me but he’s so far away, I want him to know that I’m right here. I work 9 to 5 then visit him everyday after work. It’s hard going through this alone but I need to be strong for both of us. I cried when the nurse asked if I’m ok or when an Ola driver asked me. But whenever I walked in those double doors I need to be a strong person, be his rock. I want to know how long it will take, will he ever be the same person again or what else can I do...

Where is the line where I can say It's not me, it's you?

replies: 3

Context: Somewhere in the middle of getting a grip on my own reality after a recent self harm episode I stumbled into. One of my friends is having their own moment in parallel caused by other unrelated external triggers piling on for them. Just got off the phone with them and the conversation felt like it was veiled stabs because I'm not rushing 200km to see them or able to step out of work more than half an hour for a call. But Ugh, I know my perception is off at the moment while meds adjust and I'm struggling with my issues, where does the guilt stop, what is the line I can draw to say, this is where I can help or listen to and what is the best way to communicate this when the person speaking and the person listening are both in their own quagmires. As much seeking suggestions as just a need to vent on the matter while my brain ticks over. Regards, Helarctus.

How to help a friend with PND

replies: 1

I literally don't know if this will even make any sense, but I'll give it a go. I have a friend who I am extremely worried about; however I am more concerned for her children. There is a significant history of trauma (a late miscarriage, child with cancer and early childhood trauma) which has impacted her life greatly. Since the birth of her youngest, over 12 months ago, there has been a rapid decline in her mental health. Nightly anxiety attacks, no longer leaving the house, unable to cope with the children or maintain a conversation. I have witnessed one of her anxiety attacks and even as a health professional I found it confronting. I have spoken to her and acknowledged her traumas and the impact that they could be having. I have supported her and listened for endless hours about her ongoing struggles. I have spoken with her partner and continue to emphasize that he is doing a fantastic job. However she goes to the Dr and paints a picture that nothing is wrong, refuses to take medication and will continuously say the Dr believes she is fine and places the blame on her partner. Now here is where my concerns lay with the children. The eldest is spoken down to often, struggling with social and emotional connections. The middle child (cancer survivor) is almost school age, still in nappies, terrified of everything and has started making comments about "Mummy screaming at her" or "Mummy getting very angry". She spends 98% of her time in her bedroom on her iPad, does not attend preschool and also struggles with social and emotional connections. The youngest has spent most of her life in a cot, portacot, pram. Very developmentally delayed and often wants to leave with people when they leave the house. My friend has made comments about being scared of herself. Her partner no longer does anything for himself out of fear of being repercussions and the house has such a negative energy about it. We have started avoiding gatherings, however something just does not sit right with me and I need to help her in someway. Mainly for the kids.

Out of the Loop

replies: 5

My wife has experienced periodic anxiety for many years now. Until recently, we hadn't identified it as such. Episodes include her lashing out at me verbally and family around her. I feel attacked and abused personally and resent her attacks. We have had conversations and she doesn't realise how aggressive she becomes during these events. She has said she is open for me to confront her in these times but I don't feel equipped in how best to do this in the heat of battle. Often, I attack back and we both withdraw from each other until tensions are eased. Sometimes this is days. In the past we have come together and broken the silence by talking things out but the cycle repeats and I feel hopeless to change the pattern. She is on medication and is presently getting counseling but I don't know what is happening with the sessions. I feel out of the loop and unsupported myself.

Drinking too much alcohol due to partners high stress levels

replies: 5

My wife finds everything difficult and stressful, possible early onset Alzheimer’s. I am coping partly by drinking too much because of the constant nature of this stress on me. I use music to relax, enjoyment of nature etc but I need more coping skil... View more

Helping my BFF with depression

replies: 3

Hi, I am new to the forums. Looking for some advice. My BFF gets engulfed in what he calls "the darkness" and when he is experiencing an episode, I can't seem to find anyway to help him through it. He is a gay man who feels isolated from his community, his best friend who is also gay has moved overseas and all his other friends in the community have partners. For most of his life he has struggled with his weight and has zero self esteem and hates himself. He has had some terrible things happen to him, bashed, mugged, cancer, heart attack, unsupported by his family when he came out - he is in his late 50's now. I have begged him to get professional help or contact Beyond Blue but he refuses. I just feel so helpless as there is nothing I can say or do that seems to make any difference. I don't think he really wants to die as he has fought so hard to live but I can't take the chance. He keeps saying the world won't miss him, he would be better off dead, I would be better off if he was dead and it scares me. The sense of relief I feel when he comes out of "the darkness" is overwhelming as I feel I can relax for a while. He has taken a huge step towards helping himself by walking every day and has lost over 10kg. He has stopped drinking and eating only nourishing food. He says he is now facing his demons and trying to deconstruct his thoughts, draw a line in the sand and use 2021 as a rebirth. He is in so much pain mentally as he is facing all of the issues he buried and I am not sure he can do this without help. He hides this from his other friends and refuses to discuss it with them or allow me to seek support from them or my family. I feel so isolated and helpless, any suggestions? Thanks for listening

I think my husband is depressed

replies: 4

Just over a year ago we went back to fifo snd at the same time my mother in law passed away very unexpectedly. My husband struggled with this as expected. They weren’t hugely close but still I would find him crying quite often. Each weekend he came home it was like he would overreact to anything and yell. He has said when public speaking at work he shakes almost out of control and feels it’s anxiety. He is always tired. Drinking a lot more and gambling. I have just found he has become very close with a female colleague. Intimacy declined rapidly between us which is out of character for him. I found a text message from her that is not something a friend says, someone a little closer. He says nothing is going on but I think otherwise as rumours were suggested a few months ago. He began trying harder with me. But I still feel something is not right. He wants to do what he wants to do not think about me or our two kids. We have been together 20 years and had ups and downs like all relationships. But when I ask for him to show me his messages he flew off the handle and walked out. He won’t talk. He now says we need to seperate. I’ve suggested for over a year he needs to go speak with someone but he doesn’t. How do I help

I'm not sure what to do

replies: 4

It's obvious to me and people around us that my husband is struggling emotionally. He seems to have checked out from our family (with me and two young children) and is critical all the time. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't even try. When we go out as a family to events, it's always just our children and I and I have to make excuses for him constantly. He is critical at home and most days even the slightest thing sets him off. Basically, if something happens that he cannot handle, he gets angry then disappears outside or on the computer. This happens most days. I'm most concerned about the effect on our children because they don't want to go near him and come to me 100% of the time. They also won't stay with him to allow me to go out for even a 5 minute run to the shops and they always ask why daddy doesn't want to play/doesn't come with us/yells at us/is always cranky, etc. I've explained that sometimes Daddy doesn't feel good or gets cranky and that's why he gives himself a time-out (goes outside or on the computer). Needless to say, I am constantly criticised and have the responsibility to do everything. I won't be in a position to leave for at least 18 months when I can get a full-time job when my youngest is old enough. However, something needs to be done now. I can't force him to seek help and he isn't physically violent. I also have a firm boundary that if there is ever any physical violence then I will walk out the door immediately and I'm not afraid to do that. What can I do to prompt intervention now? I have tried talking to him but am told I'm stupid. I regularly see a psychologist myself because this situation has gone on for years and it was causing me anxiety. I'm now at a point where I can be in control of the family, household, finances etc but my husband separates himself from the family. What do I do next?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Navigating financial assistance and support – How do I access assistance replies: 5

Husband with a pornography addiction replies: 2

Looking for support replies: 7

Where is the line where I can say It's not me, it's you? replies: 3

How to help a friend with PND replies: 1

Out of the Loop replies: 5

Drinking too much alcohol due to partners high stress levels replies: 5

Helping my BFF with depression replies: 3

I think my husband is depressed replies: 4

I'm not sure what to do replies: 4