I don't know what else to do as a carer

[Dove20]

I don't know what else to do. My grandpa is 84 years old and lives with me and my family. Most of his friends have been long gone. I'm worried about his mental health.

He stays in his room all-day and then when the time comes he will eat in our dining room. However, every time I try to encourage him to go for a walk with me, sit out in our backyard to see the sunset or watch tv with our family he will refuse. He does not even eat dinner with us or want to sit out in the lounge room with us. It's just him and his room. I have to reveal that he is a hoarder so everything is piled up to the roof with things that he owns and things that he has picked up off the street. I don't know much about hoarders lifestyle but maybe he has an emotional attachment to everything he hoards so he stays in his room all day?

I've always been worried about my grandpa and the lifestyle he lives but after truly realising the impact of isolation due to covid, I am now extra worried. It is especially concerning to me as he has no living friends nor does he want to go to senior centres to interact with other seniors. I try to make small talk with him every day, telling him that the weather is nice or that the wind is beautiful but he never engages back other than 'yes it is'. I hate to think that this is what his last remaining years will look like... isolation, no social interaction.. just years in his room.

I understand that the elderly do not have the same stamina as our younger selves, and that may be the reason why he does not want to do many things. But our family have bought him a walking stick and a walking aid for him to use so he'll feel more secure. However, he refuses to use these as he believes he does not need them. The past few years whenever we would try and help him be more comfortable he has refused our help. It's frustrating to see. I don't understand it as all we try to do is help him. He has even thrown out his bed and instead sleeps on a wooden plank because he said its better for his back. I think that was the most heartbreaking to see for us. It seems to be that he wants to be... uncomfortable? I have a theory that he lives this type of lifestyle because he is religious and believes in reincarnation. So maybe he thinks that if he suffers in this world he will be rewarded in the next? but I would hate to think that is the reason to refuse any help from his family members. I'm worried he might be depressed.

Should I be concerned? Any response will be welcomed.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Dove20,

This is a very timely thread as many of our elderly citizens have had their lives shut down with covid19. Simple pleasures and just the regular attention from carers and medical professionals has removed much of the small interactions and insignificant chatter that fills a normal day.

Withdrawing from family, sadly, is more common than you might think. I don't know if it is feelings of being a burden, or just a deep desire to be left alone when some people reach a certain age. Another problem, as you mentioned, is the loss of close friends and partners - no one will ever compare (in the mind of the individual) as these past memories are firmly embedded, and the gulf to forming new memories only increases the sense of disillusionment. Living for the present just seems to be a detestable notion for some, and it's sad when the more you try to make someone feel supported and cared for, the more resistant they can become.

The tricky thing for carers is remembering the things that would make you happy aren't necessarily the same for the recipient. I find trying to allow space to be alone without becoming isolated, along with some familiar tunes and photos, can help reduce anxiety; although I do keep my dad physically active whether he likes it or not - mostly to keep the bones strong and to retain his sense of balance (but a wheeled walker is essential for outdoors). Loss of mobility is to be avoided for as long as possible for good physical and mental health.

Also, it is just as important to think of your own mental health, and taking grandpa to Senior's activities can be a handy break from the caring role, if only for a few hours. Despite complaints, social interaction is necessary to maintain etiquette and empathy for others to some degree.

Regards,

t.

[Dove20]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your response. Seeing how isolated my grandpa feels makes more empathetic to our elderly citizens than I used to. Sometimes it leaves me in low spirits for days thinking of how things are the way that they are.

I wasn't aware that withdrawing from family when you reach a certain age was a common thing. I guess I won't understand it for a while as I'm still young. It is difficult to not feel emotional when my grandpa withdraws from our family as we've been living together for about 12 years now. Not just our immediate family, but he refuses to socialise with our close relatives as well. I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I try to make him feel less lonely by turning up the TV so that he'll hear it from his room to let him know that we're still here and that he can come out of his room to talk to us. But he rarely comes out to talk to us. I know how difficult depression can be as I have depression myself. We just want to alleviate his pain but he won't accept it.

I know that everyone finds joy in different things, but I can't help but feel emotional when I see my grandpa in his room all day without interacting with anyone at all. I try to suggest taking him to social Senior activities but he refuses. He refuses to do a lot of things. He even refuses our help when we try to aid him in walking. There was this one incident where he went out and didn't tell us where he was going. So when he did not come home in a few hours we got worried and had to go and look for him. Coincidentally when we came back home after our search we found him leaning against a high gate outside our property struggling to walk. He wasn't even walking he was leaning on the gate. He had dust and paint fragments on his clothes from leaning on the gate. He also had white dust and paint fragments on his hands from holding himself up against the gate. All of us tried to help him by grabbing his arms and by letting him lean on us but he threw a really big fit that scared us. He was yelling, flailing his arms saying did not want any of our help at all. Despite being about 10m from our front door, it took a long time for him to get home as he could not even walk properly. He was shuffling. It took even longer for him to lift his leg up to get through the door. It was a heartbreaking experience for all of us. All that he let us do was stand there and watch him.

The more I think about this the sadder I get.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Dove20,

I'm sorry you had to witness such outbursts of defiance from your grandpa - he is battling many things in his mind on the journey to acceptance. It sounds like he was always strong and independent and he retains this fighting spirit. I understand your feeling sad about this as it can be hard to stand by, but from your grandpa's perspective, it was a milestone for his determination - he conquered Everest! (well not quite, but the feeling would have been the same). Encourage his resolve and reward small achievements.

The thing to remember also, is that we are all free to make our own decisions on how we spend our time and what we choose to do - even if it poses risk (I believe that is in the 'Charter of Rights for the Aged'). I still have a problem with that clause in relation to people with impaired cognitive function, but I can understand the premise as it is what I would want for myself in the same situation. In my dad's case it has to be a guarded freedom as he would be a risk to himself and others if complied to the letter. Surely, safety must override all clauses.

Respecting these fundamental rights can put your own mind at ease, and help you not to feel responsible for the actions (and inactions) of your beloved and well cared for grandpa. All you can really provide with surety is to be there when you are needed, and that will be of great comfort to your grandpa when he comes to terms with himself (if not stated implicitly).

Peace and solitude may be all your grandpa desires and that is a worthwhile pursuit. The burdens of age are only given to the old, for the young could never endure it.

Take care of yourself, and focus on the time you have together for whatever that entails.

Kind regards,

t.

[Dove20]

Hi t,

Thank you for your response. You're right to assume that he was strong and independent. Since the start of his residence with my family, he has always done things on his own: his own shopping, his own laundry and his own cooking. He would even go out to social clubs! However, in the past 4-5 years, he couldn't do these things anymore as he doesn't have the energy. It has been hard seeing him adjust to no longer being as capable as he was before. I think maybe the reason why he refuses our help is because he does not want to admit that he is a senior now. You’re right to say he hasn’t come to terms with this yet. Is there any way to help him come to terms with this so he can accept our help?

I can't help but think that he's suffering and just won't ask for help despite us being here. Do you think I'm overreacting? I'm concerned that his denial of his age is hurting him and his health. Especially his mental health as he’s withdrawing from any social interaction with his family.

I know that I may be projecting my own mental health concerns because I myself cannot deal with the pains of loneliness and isolation, but I can’t help but react like this. Not to mention, my family situation has affected my mental health so badly that I want to do things to make things better so we all can be at peace.

My mum has become his full-time carer for a few years now. However, ever since my sibling became a single parent of a newborn baby and had to move back home my mum couldn't handle taking care of everything anymore so I had to step up and make some sacrifices.

I can't lie, but it has been difficult to progress further into my studies, career and life because of the heavy emotions I've been feeling over my family situation. Sometimes I think I would be further on in life if I didn't have to experience such turmoils like this. But then I always try to catch myself after. I'm grateful that I'm able to take care of my family. But sometimes when I look at myself, I can't help but feel shame that I couldn't uphold my family obligations and personal life goals/aspirations like a lot of other people could. Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

Dove

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Dove20,

You are a caring person by nature, and appreciate the values in placing the needs of others over yourself. Selflessness is the highest virtue and, as such, you are already "further on in life" even though it probably doesn't always feel that way. These life skills and awareness of your conflicting emotions are part of the fabric of your life, and can add a level of confidence, maturity, and empathy into your future.

Whatever you choose to do must be how you feel within yourself. But do be aware of the 'wrong' feelings (guilt, obligation, expectation, coercion), and allow yourself to pursue your own needs unencumbered. Provide the help you can as and when you are able, or when circumstances demand - that is only right. In no way are you a bad person for thinking of your studies and goals in life - this is your life and you have every right to aspire to your hopes and dreams, and there is no shame in that whatsoever.

Helping grandpa come to terms? Patience, and assisting in small unobtrusive ways (sometimes behind the scenes) so he retains the feeling of independence of which he holds so dear. Occasionally, though, you just have to insist - it's a delicate balance.

Respect yourself and take heart that you possess the sensitivity of a virtuous person.

Kind regards,

t.

[Dove20]

Hi t,

These days I've been feeling really down in the dust trying to get a hold on things in my life. I feel like I should be able to hold my emotions together but I don't think I'm coping well. I feel like I'm basically unemployed working at a dead-end job because I barely get any shifts anymore. I don't feel a sense of purpose. I feel so much guilt for not doing something worthwhile with my time that will make some money. I've been trying but failing to find a second job for months now. I know people say that the job market is just really bad and that I shouldn't blame myself, but I read an article saying all the jobs that were lost when covid first started have now been recovered. So I've been feeling so low knowing I can't find a job despite having an education.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of things that have been making me feel down.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Dove,

For what it's worth, you are not alone in your thinking - there is a decided despondency hovering over many people with or without jobs. Finding a cure, the national debt, the future of employment in a contactless world - so many uncertainties leaving us feeling insecure.

These are not normal times and although certain jobs have rebounded, other sectors still flounder. There are many stories of dubious integrity out there designed to attract views - I was always told to 'rely on the source' at uni, which often meant discrediting numerous reference books (and the discrepancies were sometimes quite vast).

Although it's never pleasant feeling depleted and listless, it is sometimes these lows that energise the desire to find purpose (as distinct from complacency when things are going okay). But some of the biggest achievements can arise from bleak origins - just like before a big summer storm, you can feel the heaviness descend upon you before the cloud breaks and tension dissipates with the refreshing rain.

Having an education is not the same as having passion to work - employers need to see both (and I would opt for the latter any day). Pursuing what you believe in will always be an asset to place you above the status quo. However, if not finding your dream job, then studying towards it is the next best thing - education never ends so it should match your interests.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg of things that have been making me feel down" - carrying a burden? Lay it down and take a break. Happy to chat anytime 🙂

Regards,

t.