Supporting a depressed partner who does not want therapy... Need advice.

[Violet12]

I'm at a loss. After what I thought was a really good week, I found out he was feeling depressed most of the time, and when he was feeling happy, he'd start to have anxiety and take medication. So he has had a no good week and I thought it was good the whole time. He told me this morning he was feeling so depressed lately, just wanted to sleep all the time, and is betting everything on him feeling better when we move.

I asked him to try therapy - honestly probably the 50th time I've asked him. He tried it once a year ago for anxiety, and while I know it helped (he started going outside more and having more insight into his mental health) he doesn't think it did anything. So he doesn't want to do it again. He says "they'll just tell me to exercise and stop being sad, and they won't tell me anything I don't know already" and he won't believe me when I tell him that's not true.

He is on antidepressants. He says he feels dizzy most of the time from them and brain-fog. I asked him if he wants to try a different dose or switch to a different antidepressant altogether, and he just says "eh" and changes the subject.

I really don't know what to do. I can't express how incredibly disheartening it is to hear he still feels this way and after this long, and still won't try anything. For the past few months he has been in bed maybe 70% of the time. He spends almost every waking minute just looking at his phone. He showers/brushes his teeth about once a week. I've tried everything I can think of and I know this might sound really self-centred but it's starting to depress me that I can't change anything for him or get him to change anything.

I've heard so many mixed messages about ultimatums, but most of what I've read says do not give your partners ultimatums to go to therapy. I feel like if I did he would just not put effort into the therapy anyway as he'd feel like he was forced to be there.

Another thing that is getting to me, is that I don't have any gauge for how bad it is. If he laughs occasionally, doesn't cry, and sometimes talks about things he's looking forward to - then maybe things aren't as dire and I don't need to feel so messed up? I am just scared. Scared nothing will change. Scared he has no hope. Scared he will only get worse. Scared that I'm doing the wrong thing by him. I don't know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi Violet, welcome

We do come across this often here.

The real issues I feel is twofold- a state I call stubbornness and lack of care for the carer.

"Stubbornness" admittedly could be too strong a word as the lack of motivation to seek further therapy is understandable if he felt it didn't work. Sadly, for some of us that have attended therapy numerous times with some success it's hard to understand why some try once or not at all then give up. Logic should say- try another therapist, they aren't all the same.

The, not caring for the carer is harder for me to accept. The struggles carers go through is huge. There is always a breaking point and I sympathize with you as you approach yours. Put simply, if someone with an illness can attend the bathroom, get something to eat or talk on the phone/social media, then they can also- make the carer a cuppa when arriving home from work, order things online for the household or make a snack, sadly (again) some lean on their carers more than they should. Not wanting to attend therapy adds to this problem. I mean is it so hard sitting with a trained person chatting about your struggles? If not for him then for your sake? Where does your wishes become priority?

Please copy and paste the following in the search box above

Does stubbornness have a place?

Is there room for stubbornness?

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TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Violet12, and a warm welcome.

I'm sorry this has happened because what it does is affect how you are feeling yourself and that's a concern.

Whether you believe he's in denial is for you to decide, with him trying to protect himself from the truth as to why he is feeling like this and as Tony has said 'try another therapist, they aren't all the same'. and definitely not, they all have their own personalities, manners, approaches and their ability to understand what each person has booked an appointment, so they are different and if the previous therapist wasn't able to help, then the next one maybe ideal.

It is impossible to force somebody into counselling, simply because they may refuse to open up.

If his medication is not doing what it should be doing, then the first step is to ask him to see his doctor and if they have a good connection, then he maybe persuaded to try and find the light he desperately wants.

Can I also suggest you book an appointment because you need the strength that's required to help you through this?

est wishes.

Geoff.